Holding On To Hope
by Lorilozz
Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they’re soon faced with a heartwrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?
1. A New Beginning

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 1 - A Beautiful Beginning**

"Haley? JJ?"

Nathan closed the screen door and smiled at the homely setting of the kitchen before him. The table was set for three and Haley had placed a small vase with wildflowers picked from the reserve across the road. It was the little touches like that; the ones that were unmistakably Haley which made her house a home. Their neighbouring houses on the pretty, tree lined street were almost identical in layout, both older style California bungalows, but the warmth that she managed to create in each room was something he had not been able to master in his own home.

"Nathan!"

He turned at the sound of Josh's excited voice to find the boy racing towards him from the adjoining living area.

"Hey buddy. How was school?" The last word was followed by an 'oomph' as the little boy barreled into him, wrapping his arms around Nathan's waist and hugging tightly. He ruffled the child's hair, before squatting down so that they were on the same level.

"It was so awesome. We played basketball in gym class today and I played really good. They made me captain and everything!"

The sparkle in the boy's excited brown eyes made Nathan's heart skip a beat. At that moment Nathan knew the feeling of pride a father experienced when his child accomplished something. For the past year since he'd moved back to Tree Hill and next door to Haley and Josh James, Nathan had been helping JJ improve his game. The boy was a natural, and Nathan being an avid basketball fan found he cherished the time they spent together in the backyard or at the River court just shooting hoops and clowning around. He'd never thought much about having children in the past. In truth he'd never really wanted them, but since bonding with the 8 year old boy he'd he'd grown to love, he couldn't imagine life without him… or his mother.

"You've created a monster." The soft words spoken in jest brought a smile to Nathan's face. It had only been around 10 hours since he'd seen her, but it was quickly becoming the norm for him to miss her as soon as they were apart. He knew he'd fallen for this woman; that she felt the same way and instead of scaring him as it may have done a few years ago, he embraced the feeling; reveled in it. Nathan Scott was in love for the first time and it felt like heaven.

JJ released his grip on Nathan and ran into the other room to continue watching cartoons. Haley smiled widely as her son scooted past her, still caught up in the excitement of the day. She couldn't remember a time when JJ had been happier or more proud of himself… and she knew it was all because of Nathan. He'd built up her son's self-esteem and the usually quiet boy was gradually becoming more confident.

"It's like he's absorbed your ego through osmosis!"

Nathan smirked before taking hold of her wrist and pulling her body flush against his. "I missed you today." His words were murmured against her lips before he kissed her deeply; showing her just how much he really had missed her.

Haley sighed with pleasure, her arms instinctively moving to wrap around his neck, fingers gliding through his hair as she parted her lips, eagerly accepting Nathan's request to deepen the kiss. It had never been like this for her before. She knew she was relatively inexperienced in relationships, only ever having one lover previous to Nathan; her ex-husband, but she also knew that the chemistry that sizzled between her and this dark haired Adonis was palpable.

"Eewww. Yuck!" The indignant exclamation shattered the moment and both adults turned to see the eight year olds look of disgust. His brow creased as he wrinkled his nose and Haley couldn't help but laugh at the comical expression.

"Be careful. The wind might change."

"I'd rather be ugly than watch you guys play kissy face every night."

This time it was Nathan's turn to chuckle. JJ's antics always amused him, especially like now when he knew it was all talk. The young boy was definitely pleased that Nathan and his mother were dating and had even told him so during one of their basketball bonding sessions at the River court.

_JJ who had just finished his soccer-style victory lap of the River court after winning a game of one-on-one against Nathan ran over to the bench seat to collect his belongings. _

"_Are we still going to the zoo tomorrow?" The young boy's warm brown eyes were full of excited anticipation as well as a hint of fear that Nathan would break his promise._

"_We sure are buddy. Your mom is going to pack a picnic lunch for all of us and we're going to have an awesome time." Nathan pulled JJ into a one armed hug, before messing his hair and then laughing at the playful glare he received._

"_How is your mom today?" He'd only started dating Haley two months earlier and although they saw each other every day, he hadn't had a chance to speak to her for more than a few minutes the day before because she had been so busy with work. She taught Music and English at the local Junior High School and like with everything else she committed herself to, Haley gave one hundred percent to her job. Nathan only wished that he'd had a teacher so involved and eager to help when he was still in school._

_JJ sighed dramatically. "She's a real grouch today! She got mad because I forgot to clean my room before we came here."_

"_I'm sure she didn't mean to get mad. She's just been really busy and is probably tired. Plus… you're the man of the house. You can clean up your room without your mom having to remind you." After the words escaped his mouth, Nathan worried he'd stepped over a line. He'd never had cause to lecture JJ or discipline him in any way, so he hoped that the boy would listen to his advice without getting defensive. Never having spent time with children before, Nathan often found himself floundering like a fish out of water when a new situation arose._

_JJ considered Nathan's words and nodded his head in agreement, even puffing his chest out a little at the thought of being 'the man of the house'. "Will you help me cook a special dinner for mom? She's doing work stuff again today so she will be really tired, but I'm not allowed to cook anything hot… only sandwiches."_

_Nathan smiled and agreed to help out; happy for the chance to sit down to a meal with Haley and JJ. He understood how much pressure Haley was under at the moment. He had seen his colleagues stressing over the last week marking papers and was thankful that he was just the basketball coach at Tree Hill High, rather than an academic teacher. _

_As they were pulling on their sweaters getting prepared to leave the River court, JJ turned to Nathan with a serious expression on his face. "I'm glad you're dating my mom. She smiles and laughs a lot when you're around."_

"_I'm glad you approve JJ." Nathan returned with a smirk, thinking it was adorable how protective the boy was of his mother._

"_My Dad left when I was only really little and mom's never had a boyfriend until you. I'm glad she waited for you." _

_It was heart-breaking how JJ talked of his absentee father so nonchalantly. Nathan knew only too well what it was like to grow up knowing his father had abandoned him. No child deserved to be deserted by their parents, but knowing how wonderful JJ was, Nathan couldn't understand how Mitchell Johnson had ever walked away, never once looking back. Who could leave such a wonderful little boy… and such an amazing woman? _

Even now, months later, the thought still infuriated him. Although he couldn't help but accept that if JJ's father hadn't left his family, then Haley and her son would never have moved to Tree Hill six years earlier and he may never have met them at all. The thought flooded him with a sad emptiness Nathan had never experienced before. Quickly, he pushed such thoughts to the back of his mind; they were far too depressing.

He was soon brought out of his reverie by Haley's soft laughter. "Where on earth do you pick up these phrases JJ?"

"School. It's what everyone says mom." The exasperation in his voice caused another giggle from Haley. Her son was growing up so quickly. She couldn't believe he was already getting to the age where she was becoming uncool. What happened to the days when he had hung on her every word?

"Are you staying over tonight Nathan?" The enthusiasm in JJ's voice made Nathan smile.

"I don't know buddy. I mean, if you really don't want us to 'play kissy face' anymore, maybe I should just stay at my house from now on."

It was difficult keeping a schooled expression, especially when panic flittered across the young boy's face. "No! You can kiss my mom whenever you want to Nathan. I promise."

He pretended to mull it over for a few seconds, exchanging knowing glances with Haley who was playing along perfectly. "Are you sure? This is your house buddy and I don't want to put you out."

"Yep, I promise I won't make yuck noises when you kiss anymore. I love it when you stay Nathan. It's always better when you're here. Plus mom smiles lots more."

Haley's heart warmed hearing her son talk about how happy Nathan made her and she knew he was great for JJ. "I guess that's settled then. You're staying over tonight." She pecked Nathan's lips, making sure to make loud kissing sounds for JJ's benefit before walking off to finish getting dinner prepared.

JJ rushed over to Nathan and crooked his finger in request for Nathan to squat down in front of him, which he did so willingly.

In a hushed voice to ensure his mother didn't overhear their conversation JJ told Nathan sombrely "I didn't really mean it Nathan. I don't mind if you kiss my mom."

Nathan pulled the boy into a hug. "I know buddy. I was just joking about not staying over. You know I love being here with you and your mom."

JJ hugged him tighter. "I love you, Nathan."

Nathan's breath caught at the words. It was the first time JJ had ever said he loved him and Nathan was overjoyed because he had wondered if it would ever happen. It had taken a lot of courage for Nathan to open up and tell both Haley and JJ that he loved them, but once he'd done it, it became a habit to do so regularly. And even though he understood that JJ had some trouble opening up because of what he assumed were abandonment issues courtesy of

his father, Nathan was eager for the day when his sentiments were returned.

"I love you too JJ." Nathan pulled back and kissed the boy's forehead which normally would have resulted in a glare from the boy who was forever trying prove how grown up and manly he was becoming, but this time he smiled widely before turning to face his mother.

"Mom? Can Nathan live with us all the time?"

Haley dropped the spoon she was using to serve up their dinner. It was a topic that had been raised recently by Nathan who had expressed his desire to become a more permanent part of their lives. Haley loved the idea and if it was just her that she needed to consider in the decision making process then he'd already be moved in, unpacked and his butt would have left its own imprint in her couch! But since JJ was born, he became her number one priority in everything that she did and any decisions she made. Nathan was the first man she'd had a relationship with since her divorce, and although it felt like they'd known each other forever, they'd only been dating for 6 months. She just wasn't prepared to risk JJ getting hurt. She loved Nathan, more than she ever thought possible and knew JJ loved him too, even if he hadn't said it yet. But until she was sure that her son would be able to adjust to Nathan being a permanent fixture in their home she'd refused to consider it.

The way her son asked the question, as it if was the most logical step in the world for Nathan to live with them, made Haley realise that the time had come. But just how to go about discussing it with Nathan and JJ was not as clear cut. She needed some time to think before she spoke with Nathan, and they really needed to have this conversation away from the prying ears of her eight year old.

Feeling bad for the position Haley was being put in, Nathan decided to run interference. "It looks like dinner is almost ready sport. Why don't you go wash up so we can eat?"

As the little boy rushed out of the room Nathan noticed Haley sigh with relief. Of course he still wanted to move in, and he believed that it was the right thing for all of them including JJ, but this was her call and he wouldn't disrespect her by questioning her decision. The ball was in Haley's court and he would be ready and willing when she decided it was time.

Making his way over to where she was currently serving, he stood behind her and slipped his arms around her slender waist, telling her without words that he wasn't upset at all by the topic that had been raised. "I love you Hales."

She relaxed back against him, loving his thoughtfulness in trying to put her at ease. He was always putting her needs first and seemed to know just the right words to say. Nathan Scott was quickly becoming the man of her dreams.

Several hours later after they'd eaten and managed to get JJ to finally fall asleep, Nathan lay in Haley's bed on his side observing her through the en suite doorway as she brushed out her hair in front of the mirror. She always followed the same routine every night and he loved watching her. He loved that she just stuck to the simple things like washing her face and using moisturiser rather than spending an hour applying fifty different miracle creams to cure wrinkles and skin defects that weren't didn't even exist.

Haley possessed a natural beauty that didn't require much effort. He'd been with enough vain, high maintenance women to know that it all stemmed from a lack of self-worth. She may be a little reserved compared to the flashy women he'd dated, but Haley had a quiet self-confidence that each and every one of the women in his past would kill for, but would probably never have.

Her brown orbs found him studying her reflection in the mirror and she smiled that sweet guileless smile that was intrinsically Haley. Putting the brush down on the counter, she turned and made her way to the bed, removing her robe and sliding under the covers that Nathan had pulled back for her.

Turning so that they were facing each other, she placed a chaste kiss on his lips. She noticed his eyes were alight with happiness and his smile was infectious.

"What's got you in such a good mood tonight Nathan Scott?" Haley's soft hand tenderly stroked his cheek.

"JJ told me he loved me earlier." His grin was so wide even a blind man could see that the declaration meant the world to him. They'd never really discussed the issue before. Haley knew her son loved Nathan and that he would express that love in his own time, but knowing that it had finally happened changed things for her… it cemented that what she had with this man was real.

She kissed him deeply before resting her forehead against his as strong arms wound around her waist and pulled her warm, soft, naked body up against his own hard, chiselled form. "I knew it would happen, babe. He just needed some time."

Haley looked into his stunning blue eyes and knew that now was the time to have a serious talk. Their relationship was changing so quickly; moving forward at such a rapid pace that she could hardly believe it had been a year ago that he'd been no more than the man who moved in next door. Of course she'd heard his name mentioned in conversation from time to time; it was bound to happen when her best friend Brooke knew him in high school… and not to mention the fact that he was pretty well known in the small town for his glory days playing for the Tree Hill Ravens. But he'd only been a name and she could never have known how important this man would become to her.

Nathan detected the almost imperceptible shift in her mood and knew instinctively that she was worrying about JJ's earlier comments about him moving in with them. "About what JJ said earlier… I don't want you to feel pressured to make any decision because of it. If you're not ready for me to move in, then I'm happy to wait until you are."

"It's not that I'm not ready Nathan. I'd love to have you here with me… with us, every day. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up with you every morning..."

Nathan tucked a loose tendril of her soft blonde hair behind her ear. "But?"

"If we do this Nathan, we need to be sure because it makes us and our relationship really serious. It's a big commitment." He could see she was struggling to express herself and wished he could understand where her reservations were coming from.

"As far as I'm concerned it's already serious, Hales. I'm totally committed to this relationship; to you and to JJ. Me moving in here just means that I get to spend even more time with you. Something I could definitely get used to."

Seeing that she was still unconvinced it suddenly hit him exactly what she was worried about. How could he have been so clueless? It was obviously a painful issue for her and even though he thought he'd assured Haley that it didn't matter to him, he saw now that she needed further reassurance before she could take this step in their relationship.

"Hales" He tipped her chin up so that she was looking into his eyes. He needed her to see that he meant his words. "This is about you not being able to have any more children, isn't it?"

Even put to her in Nathan's concerned tender voice, the words being spoken out loud still had the effect of someone slapping her across the face. It seemed that the pain would never go away. She bit her bottom lip to stop from crying and nodded her head in confirmation.

"I meant what I said to you before Hales. It doesn't change the way I feel about you. You and JJ are more than enough for me." He kissed her lips softly. "I know that we're not ready to make major decisions about the future at this stage and we've always made sure not to get too far ahead of ourselves. But I need you to know something okay?" She lifted her eyes to his again hearing the conviction in his voice. "I'm going to marry you some day Haley James."

Her quick intake of breath showed him how unexpected his declaration was, just as the small upturn of her lips revealed that she was pleased by it as well. He was relieved to know that he was successfully putting her mind at ease. He still didn't know the full story surrounding her infertility, but he did know that the news had shattered her and had also created some deep insecurities about what she had to offer a man. He was determined to eliminate every one of those insecurities and make Haley see just how perfect she was.

"I love you so much." Her tears were borne of happiness and relief and along with her warm smile, made her look more beautiful to him than ever before.

"I love you too Hales." Nathan brushed away her tears and kissed her soft lips. "So…am I moving in?"

"Yes Nathan. I want you here always."

After all the pain, struggles and disappointment Haley had been through, she knew it had all been worth it when it had brought her here to this moment… and this man. Her soul mate.


	2. Quicksand

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 2 - Quicksand**

**AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed with such positive feedback for this new story. I'm so glad that you liked it and I hope you continue to enjoy the lead up to the main storyline.**

**Thank you to Bec for her being a wonderful beta and to Dawn for her feedback throughout the writing process.**

* * *

It had been a few weeks since they'd made the decision for Nathan to move in and during that time he'd been packing up his belongings and negotiating the end of his lease with the estate agents. The day had finally arrived and Jake had offered to come over to help Nathan with the heavy lifting.

Jake and Brooke had brought Jenny over to play with JJ, knowing the two friends loved to spend time together. It was great having children so close in age to keep each other company. She and Haley were having a catch up over coffee while the boys worked. When Haley had first met Brooke she thought she would have nothing in common with the brunette spitfire, but the more time they spent together, the more Haley realized that you didn't need to have similar interests to be friends with Brooke Davis, she was such a warm and open person that you couldn't help but want to spend time with her. It had been a long time since she'd had a really close friend and Haley cherished their relationship.

"So it's finally the big day. Are you excited? Nervous?"

Haley smiled and responded with absolute certainty "I'm excited. I know that this is a good thing and it's been a while since I've had something good in my life besides JJ."

Brooke gave her a funny little look that said 'you two are just so cute' and pulled her friend into a hug. "Nathan's a really great guy Haley. I mean, he hasn't always been a saint, but he's got a big heart and you've definitely managed to capture it… I think the whole of Tree Hill is still in shock"

Haley laughed. She had heard the stories about Nathan over the years from Jake and Brooke as well as others who knew him… which seemed to be everyone's claim due to him being the town's golden boy back when he was captain of the Tree Hill High basketball team; The Ravens. She had heard all about his playboy ways and issues with authority figures from various people in the town, but she'd also heard about them from Nathan. He'd been completely honest with her about his slightly colorful past and she'd assured him that that's what it was... his past. She only cared about the person Nathan was now; the Nathan Scott she loved.

The sound of crying brought both women to their feet and had them running out to the front yard where they found JJ holding the hand of Jenny whose tears were falling down her cheeks. Brooke rushed over, dropping on her knees in front of the distraught girl and obviously looking for any sign of injury.

"Jenny? What's wrong baby?" Brooke seemed almost on the verge of tears herself and Haley understood how she felt. Any mother hated seeing their child in distress, especially when they were powerless to stop it.

The young girl threw her arms around the woman, nuzzling her face into the crook of her neck. Brooke uttered soothing words and rubbed her back tenderly.

"There were some kids at the park who called her names and made her cry." There was a reserve across the road which had a lake, some walking tracks and a park with a children's playground. Normally the adults wouldn't let the kids play without supervision, but the playground could be seen from the house and the children knew not to talk to anyone they didn't know. "I told 'em to leave her alone, but Bobby Wilkins kept being mean and calling her…" He looked at Jenny hesitantly, not wanting to repeat the taunt and upset her.

Jenny sniffled and said sadly "He called me a bastard because I've got no mommy."

Haley could feel the anger radiating off Brooke while keeping her own temper in check. It was a taunt she'd always feared that Josh would have to deal with, but luckily had avoided so far. Children could be so cruel, but what angered her more was that kids didn't just make this stuff up, they had to have heard it from an adult… usually their parents. Some people were despicable, she decided.

"I kicked him in the shin." JJ added proudly.

"JJ! You know better than to use violence." Haley scolded, although internally proud that her son had stood up for his friend against a bully.

Brooke looked at JJ with a smile. "Did he cry?"

JJ nodded biting his lower lip with uncertainty, hoping his honest answer wouldn't land him in more trouble with his mother.

"Good."

JJ smiled at his Aunt Brooke's comment while Haley simply rolled her eyes and shook her head good naturedly. They may have different parenting styles, but even she could see the humour in her friend's reaction.

Jenny pulled back to look at Brooke through glassy eyes. "Am I a bastard?"

The brunette's heart broke a little in that moment. She tenderly pushed some stray locks of hair behind Jenny's ear. "No, of course not baby. You are a beautiful little girl who has a Daddy who loves you… and you have me. Do you know how much I love you?"

The little girl shook her head slowly but her lips turned up slightly at the corners indicating she knew exactly how much she was loved by Brooke and looked forward to hearing her say it.

Brooke brushed the remaining tears from the little girls cheeks. "Well, I love you from here to the moon and back."

"All the way to the moon?" Jenny asked with a grin.

Brooke nodded with a matching grin. "and all the way back."

Jenny threw her arms around Brooke again. "I love you Brookie Cookie."

"I know you do. I love you too Jenny Penny" Brooke pulled away and kissed Jenny's forehead. "Now, do I need to go and kick this kid's butt?"

Jenny giggled and shook her head before grabbing JJ's hand and pulling him into the house.

Jake watched on in awe from the front porch of Nathan's house. He felt so much pain and anger knowing that his little girl had to hear such horrible things, but the overwhelming emotion he felt at that moment was love and gratitude… towards Brooke. It never ceased to amaze him just how wonderful she was with his daughter, treating her like her own child. God he loved her.

"That's one helluva woman you've got there Jake." Nathan clapped his mate on the back watching their girls walk back inside the house.

"I know." Jake sighed contentedly.

"How long have you two been engaged?" Nathan's question was teasing, knowing from Haley that Jake seemed to be putting off the wedding.

Irritated with the question and it's insinuation, Jake's smile disappeared as he turned away and started walking back inside Nathan's house now that the situation with Jenny was under control. "A while."

"How long's a while?" Nathan called after his friend, following him inside and waiting for an answer. He couldn't understand Jake's procrastination and hesitance. It was obvious that he was crazy about the girl and he'd already proposed… so what was the problem?

"Two years. Look, can we just drop it?" Jake huffed with annoyance and continued taping up one of the last boxes.

Sensing that he'd pushed the issue far enough for the day, Nathan began helping. "Sure. Just make sure you don't put it off for too long, man. An amazing woman like Brooke shouldn't have to wait forever."

Wanting to turn the heat off himself, he hoped to fluster Nathan with his next question. "Oh yeah, speaking of amazing women… when are you and Haley getting engaged then?"

Nathan looked through the window towards Haley. "We'll get married some day. We just need to settle as a family first. I'm not even fully moved in yet."

Jake studied the other man carefully and was surprised to find that Nathan Scott, the same guy who in high school would have seemed the least likely to ever settle down, was serious. With a small smile Jake nodded in understanding before taking the other side of the box and the men began what felt like their hundredth trip of the day over to Haley's.

"You okay Brooke?" Haley asked as they sat down with a cup of coffee to resume their chat now that the kids were happily playing in JJ's room.

Brooke nodded before gazing over at a pile of boxes the boys had left in the kitchen. "I'm so happy for you Hales. Everything is just falling into place. I can't think of anyone else who deserves it more."

"Thanks Brooke. I really am just so happy. I love Nathan and JJ does too. I know it's going to work out." It seemed that over the last few weeks she hadn't been able to stop smiling. Nathan had practically been living with them already, spending every night with her and even keeping clothes in her closet and toiletry items in her bathroom. But knowing that he was there to stay… that this was now his home felt different; it felt right.

"Oooh… do I hear wedding bells?" Brooke rubbed her hands together with anticipation.

Haley laughs at her friend's enthusiasm. "Not quite yet. We haven't been together all that long and there's JJ to consider… but…"

"But what?" Brooke was obviously intrigued; the woman was able to smell gossip from a mile away.

"Well, we were in bed a few weeks ago…"

"Ooh kinky… details? I always wondered what the Boy Toy was like in bed." Brooke's eyebrows wiggled suggestively.

Haley playfully smacked Brooke across the arm. "We were talking about him moving in and about him being sure about this huge commitment because of…"

"Oh. He's fine with it, right?" Brooke asked concerned. She had been friends with Nathan in high school when most people simply saw him as a cocky womanizer, but she'd always known there was so much more to Nathan Scott. Now she'd really grown to admire the man he'd become, especially around Haley. The thought of him hurting her or rejecting her because her inability to have his children was extremely disappointing.

"Yeah. We've spoken about it before and he already told me it didn't matter, but he really convinced me the other night, you know, talking about a future together."

"Really?… I need exact words" The brunette was gradually getting used to this new side of Nathan, but it was hard to imagine him talking about a future and settling down.

"I'm pretty sure his exact words were 'I'm going to marry you some day Haley James'"

Brooke squealed with delight at the news. "Look at you! You so had that memorized!" It was so obvious to her that Nathan and Haley were meant to be together... they just worked. Like her and Jake… at least she liked to think so.

Upon seeing her friend's face fall, Haley put a hand on hers comfortingly. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Shaking the negative thoughts out of her head, Brooke pasted on a smiled. "Nothing."

"Don't even try that with me Brooke Davis."

Brooke sighed sadly. "I was just thinking how you and Nathan will probably end up married before I manage to get Jake to even set a date."

"Oh Honey. It'll happen. Jake loves you… anyone can see that."

"I know he does. I can hear it in his voice and I feel it in his touch…" A few tears sprung from her eyes, which Haley knew meant some serious emotional turmoil because Brooke rarely ever cried. "It's just… why won't he commit to a date? Sometimes I worry that he thinks he made a mistake by proposing."

"No! I don't think that's it at all. You just need to try talking to him about it again. Let him know how you feel."

Brooke smiled sadly, releasing a sigh of defeat. "I've tried, but he always closes up and gets defensive… and the truth is, I'd rather spend the rest of my life with Jake without being married, than risk losing him by pushing the issue."

Haley felt so helpless not being able to comfort her friend. She honestly had no idea why Jake was putting off the wedding. She was almost certain it had nothing to do with him not loving Brooke; she knew in her heart that he did. All she could do was hope that the two worked it out because they were perfect for each other.

She remembered the days when she first met the two of them. Brooke had just moved back to Tree Hill after finishing college in LA and Jake was the only one of her high school friends who had stayed behind in their home town. With Jenny being only two months old when he graduated, Jake had decided to stay and raise his daughter where he had his parents as a support network to help out with the baby while he attended the community college.

Even with his job at Karen's Café, Jake had found it difficult to make ends meet and was facing the possibility of having to move out of his two bedroom house, so when Brooke returned looking for a place to stay, he offered her Jenny's room and had his daughter sleep in his bedroom. The arrangement was only ever meant to be temporary; six months at the most, but they settled into a comfortable routine with Brooke working on her fashion designs from home and looking after Jenny while Jake worked.

They became a little family unit with Brooke and Jenny having grown to love one another immensely. And so without ever really discussing it, the unspoken decision was made for Brooke to stay on living with them. From there Brooke and Jake's relationship gradually changed; the two of them falling in love. It was something new and different for both of them. Not being in love of course, they'd both been there before, but it was nothing like what they felt for each other.

Brooke had been in a passionate, yet tumultuous relationship with Nathan's half-brother, Lucas for a couple of years in high school. They'd been madly in love, but there was just something missing from their relationship that they could never manage to capture. After it ended Brooke knew that the problem was that she never really trusted Lucas; always feeling that he was looking for something more than she could offer, that she wasn't good enough.

Jake had also been in a serious relationship with Jenny's mother, Nikki, who had been a year older and in college at the time. He'd loved her, but after she abandoned him and their daughter right after she was born, he realized that she hadn't felt the same way.

This love between Brooke and Jake was something new for both of them; a love that had built up over time on a solid foundation of friendship, trust and respect. They'd both fought it for months; ignored the building sexual tension between them for fear of ruining their friendship and the happy home they had with Jenny, but eventually passion won out and once they'd stepped over the line of friendship they knew it was pointless to try and turn back… not that they even wanted to.

Haley shook herself from her thoughts and smiled at her friend. "It's all gonna be okay, Brooke. I know it is."

The conviction in Haley's voice was exactly what Brooke needed to hear. She knew Jake loved her and in the end, nothing else mattered. They'd get married one day, but until then she was just going to enjoy the wonderful life they shared.

A few moments later the boys entered the room laughing loudly, Nathan heading straight for the fridge.

"Are you about ready to head out babe?" Jake stood behind his fiancés chair, leaning down to slip his arms around her and place a soft kiss on her head. She nodded her reply while settling back into the comfort of his arms.

"I can't believe you guys finished so quickly." Haley made her way over to Nathan who had just finished chugging down a bottle of water. "You must be exhausted."

"Nothing a good massage won't fix" Nathan smirked and lifted his brow suggestively.

"Hey, why don't we take JJ for the night? I'm sure Jenny would love to have him stay over and we can drop him off tomorrow afternoon."

Haley turned to her friend with a big smile. "That would great, as long as it's okay with Jake."

Jake nodded happily while rubbing his hands affectionately up and down his fiancés bare arms. "Sounds good to me. Besides, Brooke wears the pants in this relationship, not me." They all laughed, even Brooke who had stood up and shoved him playfully. "And don't you forget it."

After organizing an overnight bag for JJ, Haley and Nathan kissed him goodbye before he ran out to Jake's car with Jenny. "Thanks again guys. This place hasn't been a kid free zone for a while."

"You're welcome. We'll see you tomorrow after lunch." Jake shook hands with Nathan and pulled Haley into a hug, kissing her cheek. Brooke hugged them both goodbye before the couple started down the front steps.

Brooke, with a mischievous gleam in her eye, turned back to face them. "And don't forget to treat it like a new home, Nate."

The other couple looked puzzled before Nathan called after her. "What do you mean?"

"You need to christen every room!" Her sing-song voice called out as she made her way to the car.

Haley laughed loudly at her friend's antics. There was never a dull moment with Brooke around. Grabbing Nathan's hand, they walked back into the house. Just as she was about to go and clean the afternoon's dishes, she felt him tug her back before pinning her against the front door.

"Nathan? What's gotten into you?"

He smirked before capturing her lips in a searing kiss. "You have Haley James. You've taken over every part of me."

She smiled widely feeling totally secure in his love for her. "I'm so glad we did this Nathan. I love you so much."

"And I love you, baby." Nathan lifted her off her feet, her legs automatically wrapping around his waist for support. She giggled like a schoolgirl as he kissed her neck and clumsily navigated his way through the house before sitting her on the kitchen bench.

"What are we doing?" she murmured against his lips

"Christening the kitchen."


	3. Never Alone

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 3 - Never Alone**

**AN: Thank you to all the readers for taking the time to check out my new story, and especially to those who take that little extra time to review. Your feedback means the world to me. Once again I want to think Bec for her wonderful work as my beta and also Dawn for her feedback and encouragement.**

**Also, I feel the need to mention that this story will probably rise to an 'M' rating in the next chapter or so. **

* * *

Haley smiled appreciatively as Nathan held the restaurant door open and let her walk through. He was always such a gentleman with her and she often found it hard to reconcile the man she knew with the stories of the man that he was back in high school and college. 

"What would you like to do next Hales?" He reached for her hand and entwined their fingers as they walked along the street towards his car. "We could see what movies are showing or rent a DVD… or go a little crazy and party like teenagers."

Haley giggled as Nathan dropped her hand and attempted unsuccessfully to emulate John Travolta's dance moves from Saturday Night Fever on the sidewalk.

"What? You don't like my dancing?" His mock look of wounded pride only brought forth more laughter from Haley.

"As long as you promise to never do that in public ever again… I'll be happy to go to a club for a while. It's not very often we get a night out together, so why not have a little fun?"

Nathan was surprised by her response. He had only been joking with his suggestion, never actually thinking that she would want to go out to a club. It was then that he realized that he only knew her as Haley James, responsible mother and Junior High School teacher. He wondered what she would have been like if she hadn't shouldered so much responsibility from such a young age.

"Let's go to Tric! I've only ever been there once in all this time and I've known Karen for years now. Besides, she's looking after JJ overnight so it's only fair we go and spend some money in her club." Haley watched as Nathan's face fell; his whole body tensing. It was like watching him close off completely in front of her eyes.

"Nathan? We don't have to go there if you don't want to." Her hesitant voice brought Nathan out of his reverie. Deb Scott had been part owner in Tric! And Nathan hadn't stepped foot inside the place since his mother's death when he was just 18 years old. He looked up to see Haley watching him nervously, obviously worried that she'd done something to anger him.

"No. It's okay. We can go."

"Are you sure?"

"I said we should go, didn't I?"

Haley's eyes widened. He'd never snapped at her before even when they'd had their disagreements, so for him to be acting this way when she'd done nothing wrong really hurt.

"Why don't we just go home?" Her whisper barely concealed the fact that she was on the verge of tears.

She'd never felt this uncomfortable with him before and hated not being able to read his mood. Not wanting him to see her glassy eyes, she turned and started walking towards the car, wanting to just get home, before she felt Nathan arms slip around her waist from behind, pulling her to a stop and back against his solid chest.

"Hales. I'm sorry." Her tension filled body relaxed a little with his sincere apology. "I should never have spoken to you like that. It won't happen again."

Leaning back and letting his strong body engulf her, she knew there was no way she could stay mad at him. It was so unlike Nathan to ever lose his cool, especially with her or JJ, and if she was being honest with herself she'd probably been a lot moodier than that on one of her bad days.

"It's okay" she promised, placing her hands on top of his.

"No, it's not, babe. I was a jackass and you deserve better than to be spoken to like that." She heard a sigh escape his lips and his warm breath caress her cheek, causing her to turn her face slightly, nuzzling against him as his chin rested on her shoulder. "You deserve better than me."

Turning in his embrace, she placed her small hands on either side of his face forcing him to look into her eyes. "I love you, Nathan; all of you. And that means even moody, jackass you."

The teasing glimmer of amusement in her eyes made him smile and he knew he could believe her. He still didn't know what he'd done right to have this amazing woman in his life.

"I love you too, and now I'm going to make sure this is the best date you've ever had!" The smile that lit up her face made venturing into his mother's club worth the pain. He was beginning to think he'd go through anything for her.

Haley looked around the club and suddenly felt extremely old. At only twenty six and twenty seven respectively, she and Nathan were by no means past their prime, but seeing the crowd of young people, some who were obviously not long out of high school, made her rethink the decision to hang out there. To make matters worse, Nathan who had been his normal charming self on the way to the club had immediately tensed upon entering the venue but denied there was anything wrong. By the way he was knocking back tequila shots, she knew he was lying.

"Nathan, why don't you slow down a little? I've never seen you drink this much before." Haley knew she sounded like a nagging wife and winced as the words left her mouth, but she really didn't think that drinking was going to solve whatever issue was bothering him.

He turned and smirked at her in the way that made her bones melt. "You're right. Let's dance."

Grabbing her hand and guiding her to the dance floor before she could even protest, Nathan inwardly groaned at his Neanderthal behaviour, but pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind where he was also trying to keep his pain. Nothing would make him feel better tonight; nothing but Haley… and a little alcohol.

Reaching the dance floor, Haley was surprised when Nathan stopped, manoeuvred himself behind her and placed his hands on her hips, grinding slowly. She'd never been one for big public displays of affection, but feeling his warm body pressed against her back and his breath on her neck, she gave into the moment and began to move along with the music… and her lover.

When his lips made contact with the smooth skin of her neck, Nathan felt her tense for a moment, obviously unused to such intimate contact in a public venue, but as he continued to kiss his way down her neck and along her shoulder she relaxed, dropping her head back against his chest and offering him more of her creamy flesh. As his grinding became more insistent, pressing his straining jeans into her back, he knew he was going too far, but a combination of repressed grief and too much tequila had him pushing further anyway. He knew she was turned on, could tell by her shallow breathing and it only spurred him on, his hands moving up from their position on her hips, to cup her breasts through the lace camisole she was wearing.

Immediately she pulled away, a blush of embarrassment creeping up her cheeks as she quickly scanned the dance floor to see if anyone had been witness to her boyfriend's drunken antics. Haley was so confused by his behaviour which screamed 'college frat boy' and even more so by the look of hurt that flashed across his face after she'd pulled away.

"Um… I have to go to the restroom. I'll meet you back here?"

Nathan smirked, looking as though he'd just had the best idea of his life. "Make it the bar."

He turned and made his way over towards the bar without a second glance back at his girlfriend. If she didn't like him drinking, that was too bad. He needed her tonight and if she wouldn't have him, then he'd stick with his friend Tequila.

Haley took a deep breath, shaking her head sadly. She didn't even need to go to the bathroom; simply needed some space from Nathan to figure out how to handle him during his strange mood. A couple of teenagers practically ran her down as they stumbled from the restroom, giggling in their inebriated state. She couldn't handle that right now, so needing to think, she veered off to the right and down a short hallway where she found a small area with two black leather sofas that were thankfully unoccupied.

Plonking down without grace, Haley fell back against the comfortable sofa focusing on the wall across from her. It was then that Nathan's odd behaviour was explained. She expelled a sigh of frustration; angry at herself for not realising that this used to be his mother's club and that was why her boyfriend was behaving in such a manner. She stood up and made her way over to the brass plaque, running her fingertips across the shiny surface as a tear slid down her cheek.

She recited the words with a shaky voice. "Deborah Scott. Beloved mother and friend. Gone but never forgotten."

Nathan's mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer the summer after he graduated high school. Being just the two of them since his father Dan Scott left his family when Nathan was just a boy, the teenager made the decision to give up his basketball scholarship to Duke and remain in Tree Hill while she received treatment for her illness. It never really crossed his mind that she wouldn't make it; it was simply another battle that she had to face after a life of fighting tooth and nail for everything she had. Unfortunately it was a battle she couldn't win and within seven months of diagnosis, she passed away.

When he'd relayed his story to her, Haley's heart had ached at how much that tragic event had affected him. She knew then that he'd never really dealt with his mother's death and she hoped that she could help in the future, being no stranger to tragedy herself. It seemed that things were worse than she thought, and right now he needed her.

Haley could feel him before he even had a chance to utter a single word. His pain radiating from him like a beacon. He stood staring at the plaque; face expressionless before moving his gaze to lock with hers, all his anguish clearly visible within his now glassy blue orbs.

"I'm sorry Nathan. I didn't think…"

Her words were cut off by his lips crashing down on hers. His tongue plundering her mouth, the kiss urgent and needy and in that moment she realised just how alone he had been for so long, and that she and JJ were his family now. She kissed him back hungrily wanting to do anything to help ease his pain. Wrapping her legs around his hips when he lifted her from the floor and crushed her against the wall, she gave herself over to him completely. She didn't know if anyone could see them in the dimly lit back room and didn't much care. This was for Nathan; she'd do anything for him.

Nathan, who had begun a frenzied assault on her lips in his need to lose himself in the woman he loved, soon found himself slowing down, letting her overwhelming love and tenderness calm him and wash away his pain. He pulled back from the wall, walking them over to the couch where he sat down, Haley straddling his thighs. She peppered his face with soft kisses, whispering just how much she loved him.

Capturing her lips again he delved into the sweet depths of her mouth, praising the gods for the invention of the mini skirt as she ground herself against him. He couldn't believe this was the same woman who got embarrassed by PDA.

Haley felt a hunger for him that she'd never experienced before. Not only was it a physical need to be one with her lover, it was a need to comfort him and take away his pain. Being bolder than ever before, she reached between them to undo the button of his jeans, lowering the zipper.

He took in a ragged breath trying to comprehend just what was happening… and by her instigation. He didn't question it though, simply let himself get lost in their lovemaking.

When they'd come together in a crescendo of ecstasy, he pulled her to him, arms engulfing her in a warm embrace, stroking her hair as she continued to kiss his neck and shoulder, soothing his anguished soul.

"I'm sorry about tonight, Hales. I'm so sorry." He whispered shakily

"Hey, it's alright. Just make sure that from now on you talk to me, Nathan. You never have to go through anything alone ever again."

The conviction in her voice and the truth in her eyes had him sighing with relief. It felt like he'd been alone for so long now. "Promise?"

Nodding her head vigorously she kissed his lips. "Promise."

They stayed there safely wrapped up in each others arms until the pulsing music stopped and the house lights came on. Haley groaned; disgruntled at having their cocoon of warmth disturbed. She whimpered at the feeling of loss as he slid from her depths. Hastily fixing themselves up, Nathan stood taking Haley with him before placing her on her feet. She swayed somewhat, blinking rapidly as she felt a wave of dizziness hit her.

"You okay babe?" Nathan's voice was laced with concern. Even though it had been a harrowing night for him, it certainly hadn't been walk in the park for her either.

Haley nodded her head, the dizziness vanishing as quickly as it had come. She smiled at him reassuringly; putting it down to the difficult night she'd had combined with lack of sleep. Reaching for his hand, she entwined their fingers and followed him towards the open area of the club.

Nathan knew he had a lot of making up to do for what he'd put her through. He just wanted to get her home and hold her close through the night, knowing with every part of his being that he would be doing it for the rest of his life. He turned back after feeling her small hand slip from his and saw her swaying precariously. His reflexes kicked in allowing him to pull her to his body as she collapsed.

"Hales?" She lay in his arms, not responding to his voice. "Haley!"

After a few moments he felt her stir and a swell of emotion ran through him. She had scared the life out of him when she wouldn't come to.

"Nathan?" The blonde looked up at her boyfriend before glancing around the almost empty club, clearly disoriented.

"It's okay, baby. I've got you."

One of the bartenders brought over a glass of water and after a few minutes Haley felt fine, if not embarrassed by the fuss she'd caused. Refusing to let her drive, Nathan asked the bartender to call them a cab, and after much protest from Haley, picked her up and carried her outside to the waiting cab.

"Nathan, I'm fine to drive. We can't just leave your car here. What if something happens to it?"

"I don't care about the stupid car, Haley. I care about you and getting you home safely, so don't bother arguing with me."

Haley chuckled. "Well, aren't you just the caveman tonight?"

He looked at her, a mixture of shame and love in his eyes. "Before, I was being an ass… now, I'm just looking out for the woman I love."

Haley sighed and nuzzled into his neck as she sat snuggled into his side in the back of the cab. "You always know the right thing to say. You're quite the charmer when you want to be Mr Scott."

"Ha. I'm always charming!" Nathan grinned as he felt her smile against his skin. He loved knowing that even after the events of the evening, they could be like this together, now; so happy and in love.

"And oh so modest."

Nathan laughed with abandon, the sound warming her heart to the core after such a strained evening. This was the Nathan she loved, and she planned to keep him this happy forever.

"Nathan? Is mommy going to get better?" JJ's whisper brought Nathan out of his reverie.

Haley had been feeling unwell since she fainted at the club, but had put it down to a stomach bug. Nathan tried to convince her to see a doctor but she was being stubborn, not wanting to make a fuss over 'a little illness'. However, after a week of barely being able to keep her food down, dizzy spells and being constantly tired, Nathan knew Haley needed to go to the health clinic. He'd called and made an appointment for her early that afternoon and was letting her sleep before she had to leave. Lying on the sofa with her head on his lap, Haley had dozed off while watching a movie, his gentle hands stroking her hair softly.

"Yeah. She's going to the doctor soon and he'll make sure she gets better." Nathan responded as the boy crouched down on the floor and took his mother's hand in his.

"Good. I don't like it when she's sick. Mom's not s'posed to get sick 'cause I can't make her feel better." Nathan knew exactly how the boy felt; helpless. The usually vibrant woman in his arms had been so listless over the past few days, taking most of the week off work which was saying a lot for the Haley James, who never had time off unless absolutely necessary.

"You do make me feel better, JJ, just by being here with me." Haley's sleepy voice caught both of their attention.

JJ smiled brightly at his mother and kissed her cheek. "Nathan said the doctor is going to make you not feel sick anymore, Mom."

Haley twisted on the couch so that she could look up at her boyfriend who was smiling at her in such a warm way that she almost blushed. She reached up and stroked his cheek tenderly, so grateful to have had him around while she'd been ill.

"That's right baby. I'm sure the doctor will have me feeling well in no time." Haley glanced over at the clock on the wall and realised that she'd need to get going if she wanted to make her appointment. "Speaking of which. It's time for me to go."

"I'll drive you. JJ and I can go to the shops and then bring you back home. I don't think you should be driving yet." Nathan was readying himself for an argument from his girlfriend, but she simply kissed him on the cheek and nodded her head.

"Cool. Can we go to the arcade, Nathan? I wanna race you on the Speedmaster game again" JJ's look of excitement caused both adults to chuckle.

"Sure bud. Whatever you want to do. But we can't stay too long, we're going to be leaving as soon as your mom is finished okay?"

"Yep. Let's go." With that, the boy was already out the front door.

* * *

"Aww Man. Did you see that?" 

Nathan smiled at JJ who had just managed to beat him out on the motorcycle simulation game which involved a virtual race track. It wasn't even like Nathan had let the young boy win, he seemed to have a natural talent for riding a motorcycle… not that he'd be divulging that information to Haley any time soon. She'd freak out for sure, swearing that her son would never sit his little butt on such a dangerous vehicle. Just the thought of her protective motherly instincts made him smile.

She reminded him a lot of his own mother. Usually thinking of his mother brought a wave of sadness… and anger at her being ripped from him too early, but not this time. Instead he felt a warmth when he pictured her smiling face every time she'd see him. He knew he had Haley to thank for this shift within him. Knowing that he had someone by his side, who loved him unconditionally just as Deb Scott had, made dealing with his mother's death that bit easier. He knew now that he wasn't alone.

"Nathan? Did you see?" He was brought out of his thoughts by JJ's impatient question. The boy had dismounted the game's motorcycle and was tugging on Nathan's polo shirt to get his attention.

"Yeah. You've got some moves, buddy. You're a natural on that bike." The resulting smile from the compliment tugged at Nathan's heart strings. He really did love this little boy. He wondered what it would have been like to be JJ's real father. To have watched him grow from a tiny baby to the great kid he was today. He felt a pang of sadness, knowing that he'd missed out on a lot of Josh's important moments… and that he'd never have a chance to enjoy those moments with a child of his own… his and Haley's.

"Is it time to get mom yet?"

Nathan looked at his watch and realised that they'd been having such a blast that the time had flown by and it was indeed time to pick Haley up from the clinic.

"Let's go get your mom."

A couple of hours later Nathan observed Haley as she busied herself with the dishes. She'd been acting strangely since they'd collected her from the doctors, constantly needing to be doing something to keep herself busy. Considering the doctor hadn't confirmed what was wrong with her yet, he felt slightly anxious himself, worrying in the back of his mind that it could be something serious, but refusing to let himself think that way.

Haley, however, seemed to be lost in another world. She'd barely said a word and seemed to go from having a small secret smile on her face to looking frightened. The whole thing was unnerving him.

"Hales?"

"Hmm?" her response barely a grunt as she continued to wipe the dish she'd been cleaning over and over again for the past few minutes. He was starting to notice that she seemed to be avoiding him as though there was something she was hiding.

Haley couldn't seem to bring herself out of thoughts of her afternoon appointment. When Dr Shore had been unable to find a direct cause for her symptoms, she'd taken blood and urine samples. Haley was informed that the blood tests usually took up to 48 hours depending on the backlog, but due to Haley's medical history, they were being moved forward. The urine sample was being tested immediately and the results would be ready in a few minutes.

She hated doctor's rooms. Hated medical facilities of any kind really and the wait seemed like hours, but finally the test results arrived. She'd watched the other woman's eyebrows raise in surprise.

Nathan could see her lost in thought again and moved to stand behind her at the sink, gently kneading her shoulders and resting his chin on the top of her head. She let the dish slip from her hand into the soapy water and rested back against him. "Talk to me, baby."

Haley took in a sharp breath at the word. Baby. For the first few years she'd flinched every time a baby was mentioned, but as time went on she learned to accept her fate of never having another child; never feeling another baby grow within her womb. The word no longer affected her as it used to… until today. Today, when her doctor had informed her that she was pregnant.

Dr Shore had laughed as Haley's jaw dropped in shock. Before Haley could protest, she explained that in some rare cases, women in Haley's position managed to conceive. It was a total fluke of nature and so rare that the possibility was sometimes never even mentioned to a patient. If she was honest with herself, she was glad she hadn't known of the slight possibility, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to come to terms with the hand she was dealt and her life would have revolved around a faint hope… and that was no way to live.

"Are you sure? I mean, I don't think I could handle it if I accept this and then you were wrong." Haley couldn't contain her tears any longer as she sobbed her heart out. This was like a dream come true and the overwhelming emotions flowing through her were making it impossible to keep her composure.

"I'll have them run a blood test to confirm it, but the urine test is pretty accurate Haley."

She wiped her eyes and smiled at the doctor. "I hope you're right. But I'd like to wait until you can confirm it before… I just need it confirmed."

Nodding her head, the doctor stood up and gave her patient a hug, feeling so privileged to have been able to give such wonderful news to a woman who'd been through more than anyone should ever have to. "I understand, and I will get the results to you later today."

The telephone rang giving her a reprieve from having to skirt around the issue with Nathan. She really didn't want to have to lie to him, but until she knew for sure that she was having his baby, she just couldn't say anything. Telling him made it real, and if the test results had been wrong and her hopes shattered, Haley wasn't sure if she would get over it.

Knowing that it was probably Dr Shore, Haley stood frozen, unable to force herself to take the few steps to the phone. Luckily, Nathan assumed she was worried about her wet hands and answered it himself.

A moment later he looked at her with a mixture of concern and relief before handing the phone to her after she'd dried her hands with the dish towel.

"Hello?"

"Haley, It's Dr Shore here. I have the results for you."

The blonde swallowed visibly, facing away from Nathan, not wanting him to see her heart break if she didn't get the news she longed for.

"It's positive, Haley. You're definitely pregnant. Congratulations."

A sob escaped her lips. Tears of joy running down her face and within seconds Nathan was right beside her looking as if he was about to faint with worry. She knew how it must look to him; as though she'd been told she was seriously ill, and she hated putting him through those moments of panic, but was unable to control herself.

"Thank you Dr Shore."

Nathan took the phone out of her shaking hand and placed it on the bench, before tipping her head up to look into her eyes. "What is it baby?"

That word again… only now it simply filled her with joy. A feeling of complete euphoria.

"I'm pregnant."

Thanks,

Lori xoxox


	4. Like Magic

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 4 - Like Magic**

**Warning: There is a very low level sex scene in this chapter. I believe it still fits within a 'T' rating, however if you feel you may be offended, please do not read.**

_**Author's Note: Thank you to Bec for bataing this for me again and to both her and Dawnie for their feedback.**_

_**All of your reviews have been amazing and I love seeing the alerts in my email inbox. Thank you for your comments and suggestions. They really are appreciated. I hope you enjoy the this update.**_

* * *

"I'm pregnant." 

Haley couldn't believe she'd whispered the words, when all she wanted to do was shout them at the top of her lungs. She knew she must look like a grinning idiot; a crazy one at that with tears streaming down her face, but she didn't care. She'd been given the one thing she'd longed for most in the world since her life had been shattered six years earlier… and she'd never been happier.

Her smile slipped a little as she realised Nathan hadn't said anything. It was like he'd frozen, his hands falling from her shoulders to rest limply by his side. A look of shock was written across his face as he opened his mouth to speak, only to close it again.

Having been lost in limbo over the last few hours since her doctor's appointment; busy trying not to get her hopes up but also knowing that after having that seed of hope put in her mind, she'd never truly recover if her dreams were dashed, Haley hadn't stopped to think about how her boyfriend would feel. They'd never had to discuss the possibility of a pregnancy before, so there was really no way of knowing if Nathan would be happy about it.

He'd always been so wonderful and understanding when she'd told him she couldn't have any more children. Was it possible that the reason for his support was because he didn't want to have any babies with her? She knew he loved JJ and the two of them got along famously, but her son was already eight years old and past the early stages where he depended on his parents for everything.

They'd only been together six months, and by most people's standards that would be considered far too early in a relationship to have children. They'd only just moved in together! She knew that Nathan loved her and even said he planned on marrying her… but did this change things? Judging from his current reaction, Haley realised it was entirely possible that Nathan didn't want a baby; that the news which had her heart soaring, could actually be his worst nightmare.

"Are y-you sure?" Nathan asked quietly, when finally able to form a sentence.

His head was cloudy with the many questions running through his mind. How was this even possible? Haley had told him all about the condition which prevented her from being able to have any more children. Did the doctor know that? Maybe it wasn't written on her file. He couldn't let himself believe, only for it to be a mistake. That would break his heart… and Haley's; she would be devastated.

"Yes. Dr Shore just confirmed the blood test results."

Nathan nodded along mindlessly. "Blood tests. They're accurate right? Not much chance of botching those up."

Haley sighed at his detached, clinical tone. No emotion. No jumping for joy at the news. No screaming about not wanting a baby. God, she would rather that than him acting like a freaking android… at least she'd know where she stood. Her eyes, still slightly clouded with tears of joy began to well with tears of a whole different kind. This could not be happening to her again. Why is it that when she felt like she'd been handed the world, something would come along and snatch her happiness away?

His heart was racing at a million miles an hour as he tried to comprehend it all. Blood tests were accurate. It would be highly unlikely that they'd made a mistake. He could believe it now. It was real. Haley was pregnant; Haley was having his child. He was going to be a father! Blinking a few times, Nathan shook himself out of his thoughts to see that she was no longer smiling; her eyes now full of worry and hurt.

Without thought he drew her into his arms, his hands sliding up until they tenderly framed her face and lowered his lips to brush against hers in a sweet caress.

"We're having a baby" He whispered, smiling against her lips. He felt her rigid body relax within his embrace as all the doubts she had evaporated into thin air. She wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, loving that this man could be so wonderful as to put her on cloud nine with just four tiny words. The joy, wonder and excitement in his voice left her with no doubt about his feelings. He was happy about this baby; their baby.

Pulling away completely breathless the couple smiled widely as they pressed their foreheads together and revelled in the magic of the moment. Nathan's hands found their way to her stomach, edging beneath her top to caress her smooth skin, picturing their child growing within her womb.

"I'm gonna be a dad" His words so filled with awe brought more tears to her eyes.

"You're going to be an amazing dad"

Nathan knew by the love and conviction in her voice that she meant it. She had so much faith in him; had put so much faith in him by letting him into her life and her son's life and he would never be able to thank her enough for that. "Thank you, Hales."

He kissed her quickly before pulling her into a possessive hug.

"For what?" she asked nuzzling his neck.

"For everything. For loving me. Letting me love you and JJ. For our baby. My life was so empty before you came along and now I feel like I have everything I could ever want. I feel complete."

This woman had so quickly become his world. He loved her and her son more than he'd ever imagined loving anyone and now she'd given him the most amazing gift of all… a child. He'd never had definite plans about having children and probably could have gone through life without them… but knowing that they had made a life together amazed him. It felt right. Perfect. Meant to be…and maybe it was. He felt as though fate had brought them together and orchestrated this tiny miracle.

Nathan moaned as he felt Haley placing soft kisses along his neck and jaw line before reaching his earlobe and suckling gently on the spot just behind his ear which drove him crazy. "Make love to me."

Nathan pulled away looking extremely concerned, holding Haley out with his arms. "Are you sure?"

"Nathan. I'm telling you right now that it is perfectly safe to have sex while I'm pregnant." She responded seriously, but soon broke out in a saucy grin. "And you better be willing because I'm going to need a lot of loving over the next 6 months."

It was a joke, but part of Haley couldn't help remembering how lonely she'd been through her pregnancy with JJ. Mitchell had been completely freaked out by the idea of making love while she was carrying their child. She now knew it had more to do with his misgivings about having a child altogether, but at the time she'd felt so isolated, not to mention unattractive. It hadn't helped that she'd been horny as hell with no one to satisfy her urges and it all culminated in a miserable nine months for her. She wanted more this time; wanted to experience what it was like to be deliriously happy with a supportive partner by her side… or in her bed as it may be.

Nathan chuckled lightly. "I know that Hales… and I'll be more than willing to ravish you to your hearts desire. I just wasn't sure if you would be feeling well enough. You've been so sick lately."

Haley smiled at his concern. He was always so thoughtful and trying to look out for her best interests in any way he could. "I'm feeling great Nathan. You know I've had my good times and bad times with the morning sickness. Well… this is one of those good times."

She stood on her tiptoes, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him lightly. "And now I want you to show me a good time".

Her husky whisper sent a thrill all the way down his spine, causing a distinct tightening in his boxers. When she caught his bottom lip between her teeth and sucked on it lightly his arousal stirred to life, urged on by her slow grinding motion.

"Okay. So I guess you are feeling better."

Haley simply smiled suggestively and nodded her head. "Yes. Much better. And we don't have to pick JJ up for another couple of hours. I wonder what we could do to pass the time."

Before she knew what was happening Nathan had lifted her into his arms and was heading for their bedroom.

* * *

"God I love your hands, Hales. They feel like magic." Nathan sighed into her mouth as she threw his newly discarded shirt to the floor and ran her hands over his sculpted chest, shoulders and back.

"Yours too baby. Now please take these damn clothes off and touch me." Her desperate whispered plea sent a bolt of arousal surging through him to his already straining erection, currently confined only by his underwear.

Taking his time, Nathan removed each item of her clothing slowly, gently placing tender kisses along her creamy skin, tasting every inch of his lover, delighting in her sighs of sensual pleasure.

Nathan had always been an amazing lover; whether their coupling was slow and sensual, or hard and fast he always treated her like a princess. As though she was the most important thing in his world. But the way he was touching her now; the way he was kissing her was on a whole new level. His caresses so loving and his touch so gentle that it brought tears to her eyes.

When they both finally lay completely naked on their bed, Nathan holding himself above her, kissed her deeply, pulling back to look into her eyes and silently questioning if she was okay; if she was sure she wanted this. Lifting her head from the pillow, she placed a tender kiss on his lips.

"I love you so much, Nathan. We have created something so wonderful and I just want to be with you right now; share my happiness with you."

Her words filled him with a sense of absolute peace and contentment of which he'd never experienced before. This woman who he loved and cherished beyond all reason looked at him like he was the only person in the world; like he was her everything.

"I've never been happier. Hales, I never have... and never will love anyone more than I love you right now."

He entered her slowly, both expelling sighs of relief as they finally became one. Their movements were unhurried yet incredibly erotic as they both climbed higher; getting closer to the edge.

Haley was the first to reach her peak, climaxing loudly; her throaty moan causing Nathan's orgasm to hit a moment later. They lay together, bodies slick with sweat as they gasped for air.

"Oh my God, Nathan. That was… I've never… WOW!"

He knew exactly how she felt, but couldn't help chuckling at the English teachers inability to form a full sentence. He pulled her to him, their bodies moulding together as she lay her head on his chest. "It was pretty WOW, wasn't it?"

She lazily peppered his chest with kisses as he lovingly caressed his hand up and down her bare back, goose bumps erupting as her skin tingled from his touch. They stayed like that for long minutes, silently enjoying the comfort of being in one another's arms.

"Hales, I know it really doesn't matter in the large scheme of things, but how did this happen? The doctors told you it wasn't possible because of your Premature Ovary thingy."

"Premature Ovarian Failure, but just say POF. It's easier."

"Phew. It's a bit of a mouthful." She chuckled at the over dramatic look of relief in on his face. He was such a joker sometimes.

"I don't know how, Nathan. But Dr Shore told me that on very rare occasions a woman with POF will produce healthy eggs. Apparently the chances are so slim that usually they don't even mention it." she shrugged her shoulders honestly now caring how it happened, just so happy that it had. "It's just a fluke I guess."

"No Hales. This isn't a fluke. This is fate." All signs of humour gone from his face, he tipped her chin up to look at him. "I know that we were meant to find each other, Hales… and now we've been given this amazing gift. It's fate."

She smiled happily at his words. "You really believe that?"

He nodded confidently. "You have no idea how much you mean to me Hales. You and JJ have become my family, and now we're adding to it."

He slid his hand between them to caress her belly. "I've been alone for so long now, ever since my mom died. I know that I have Luke, but even though he's my brother and I love him, we grew up with different moms in different houses… and now we live so far apart, that it's not enough, you know?"

"Well you have a family now, Nathan. You'll always have us."

He dipped his head to kiss her softly. "I wish you could have met my mom. She would have loved you, Hales. You're exactly the type of person she always wanted me to meet. I think she knew that it would take someone like you for me be happy."

"She sounds like an amazing woman Nathan. So strong and determined. I wish I'd known her too."

"She was strong… and brave. The way she brought me up on her own; sacrificed everything to make sure I had what I needed. The way she never gave up and fought so hard against the cancer. It may have killed her body, but it never even got close to touching her spirit."

"You're brave too, Nathan. It's not just hard on the patient, but on their family and friends too."

"Thanks, but I don't feel brave. It still scares the hell out of me Hales. I know that I couldn't go through that again. I don't think I'm strong enough." A tear escaped and ran down his cheek as he stared off at the wall. "I watched the person I loved most in the world fade away before my eyes…. And there was nothing I could do Hales! I felt so helpless… so useless. I don't ever want to feel that way ever again."

He was being so open and honest with her. Laying his thoughts, feelings and greatest fears out for her to see. She had been watching him intently, but when he looked back down at her with such love and trust, she had to look away. The guilt was eating away at her again. There'd been ample opportunity to tell him her secret, the one thing she'd kept from him.

He knew almost everything about her, from her marriage to her high school sweetheart straight after graduation at the age of eighteen. To her unexpected pregnancy not long after and then her husbands abandonment when Josh was just two years old. Although she'd been truthful about Mitchell's unhappiness with his life… not wanting to be stuck with a wife and child while his mates went out partying and lived the usual college lifestyle, she hadn't explained the real reason he left them.

The first couple of months of their marriage had been pure bliss. They'd done all the normal things college students do and being married didn't affect their social lives at all. Then Haley had found out she was pregnant. I hadn't been in their plans as they were both going to college and had careers to think about. After the shock wore off, Haley came to love the idea. She marvelled at the fact that she and her husband had created a life that was growing within her. She loved her son from the very first day.

Unfortunately, her husband didn't quite see it the same way. He had even brought up abortion to which she steadfastly refused. After a few heated arguments, Mitchell declared he'd had time to clear his head and was happy about the situation. They never once argued about the baby after that day… but then, Mitchell never spoke about the baby at all. He made Haley keep her pregnancy a secret until her belly was too large to hide, and quickly turned the conversation around as soon as anyone asked he or Haley about their child.

They drifted even further apart after Josh was born and she just accepted his disinterest in his family; ignored the nights he didn't come home and the frequent weekends away with the boys. She had still loved him… they'd been friends their whole lives and started dating when they were only sixteen, so it was impossible to just turn off her feelings, but they dimmed… only a faint hope still alive within her that she would get her Mitchell back. The Mitchell who had always loved and protected her.

Nathan knew all about her past with her ex-husband, but she'd let him believe that the gradual deterioration of their relationship was what caused their divorce. She just hadn't been ready to tell him the truth. It was too devastating to remember that time… and even though in that moment, lying in his arms was the perfect opportunity to be honest with him and relieve herself of her guilt… she couldn't do it. She couldn't bear to ruin this moment. She'd tell him eventually… just not yet.

Pushing the guilt to the back of her mind, she snuggled closer to him and let his arms engulf her, making her feel safe. Safe from her guilt…her past; everything.

* * *

"Brooke? Where are you?" Haley asked with a little concern after her friend finally answered her cell. The couple had just arrived at the Jagielski - Davis house to pick up JJ and found no one home. 

"Hi Haley. Sorry, we kinda lost track of time. We're at the River court with the kids. Do you want to come and meet us here?"

"Yeah, sure. We'll be there soon."

"What's going on?" Nathan asked as he came up behind her, his hands sneaking around to rest on her stomach, imperceptibly stroking her warm skin. She wondered if he even knew he was doing it. They'd only found out about the baby a few hours ago, but already he was finding ways to touch her and be closer to their child.

"They're all at the River court. I said we'd meet them there seeing as though it won't be long before it gets dark. We should let the kids enjoy the last bit of daylight."

Pulling up at the River court, Haley couldn't help but smile as she watched the four of them running around. She wasn't surprised to see that Brooke had been roped into joining in the fun. She always moaned about hating sports and not wanting to play, but eventually she would give in… usually when little Jenny begged her with her adorably sweet smile and eyes sparkling with excitement. A sign that Brooke had begun to enjoy participating in the fun was that she now changed into street shoes instead of wearing her heels and using them as an excuse not to play.

JJ was the first to see them arrive and waved them both over excitedly. Even though he'd been used to not having a Dad around to play with, simply sharing Jake with Jenny instead, he'd become accustomed to Nathan fitting that role in the last year and was still so proud to have him there, especially for a game of ball.

"Mom! Nathan!"

Nathan picked the boy up when he threw himself into his arms excitedly. He leaned over to hug his mom and kiss her on the cheek before Nathan put him back on his feet. JJ seemed a little embarrassed about his open display of affection and quickly turned to Nathan with a serious expression. "Will you play with me?" He took a covert glance at the others before whispering "Aunt Brooke was on my team but she kinda sucks. I wanna beat Uncle Jake and Jenny this time."

Nathan chuckled and nodded his head in agreement. "Sure. Let's go school their butts."

JJ giggled giving Nathan a high five while Haley simply rolled her eyes at her two favourite boys and their ever-expanding egos before taking a seat next to Brooke on the park bench.

"How are you feeling Hales? JJ said you finally went to the doctor today." Brooke's voice was laced with concern for her friend who hardly ever got sick.

"I'm feeling good. Great actually." The smile that graced her face was dazzling and had a curious Brooke looking at her in confusion.

"Well that was quick. Must be some mighty good antibiotics they gave you."

Haley chuckled. "Well I'm sure I'll be feeling like crap again tomorrow morning…"

"What's going on with you Haley? You've been sick all week and you're telling me it's not going to stop, but you're grinning like an idiot! I've been so worried about you. It's not like you to get ill and after what you went through years ago…" Brooke's exasperation was obvious. She always did hate being out of the loop.

"Brooke. Stop rambling and I'll tell you. You have to keep this a secret. We'll tell JJ soon, but at the moment only you and Jake will know."

The brunette nodded her head in eager agreement. "Got it. Lips are sealed. Now tell me already."

"Nathan and I are having a baby"

There was a moment of stunned silence before Brooke jumped off the bench and squealed excitedly. She had no idea how this possibly happened, only that it would mean the world to Haley that after years of believing herself infertile, she was going to have another child.

Haley laughed at her friend's reaction and eagerly complied when pulled into a tight hug. "I'm so happy for you Hales. You'll have to explain to me how the hell this even happened, but right now I don't think I could comprehend it, this news is just too damn exciting."

Jake and the kids were looking at the two women like they'd grown an extra head each, but Nathan simply grinned widely knowing what all the excitement was about. The smile had barely left his face since he'd first found out and he didn't anticipate that anything could take away his happiness.

After pulling apart, Brooke realised the commotion she'd caused and lamely jumped in the air and clapped while shouting "Go Team". Five pairs of eyebrows rose at the display before the children starting laughing hysterically. Jake chuckled at his fiancé's antics, loving how crazy she was at times, before running over and planting a kiss on her lips and then whispering in her ear. "God, I love you."

Haley's gaze wandered and immediately locked with Nathan's as they silently communicated their love and joy over the news. After all the pain and heartache she'd been through, Haley knew that it was worth it if it brought her to this time where she had a healthy son, a man she loved who loved her back… and his child growing within her. She wouldn't change a thing.

Lori

xoxox


	5. Adjustments

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 5 - Adjustments**

_**Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. The support for this story has been amazing and it really does make a difference because I have so much invested in it. After planning it out in great detail, it looks like it's going to be a long one folks... plus I've got plans for the sequel as well.  
**_

**_ Once again, I owe a big thank you to Bec for being a great beta, who always does me the service of being honest, and pointing out anything that I may not be happy with later on. Thank you also to Dawn for spending countless hours discussing this update and my overall plot outline. You've been amazing!_**

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* * *

Haley struggled with the zipper on her skirt. The damn thing just would not do up! She groaned loudly with frustration knowing if she didn't get out of there soon, she'd be late for work. She heard the material rip whilst giving one last good tug, and immediately burst into tears. She was fat!

Nathan entered from the adjoining bathroom freshly shaven to find his girlfriend sitting on the edge of their bed, head in her hands and tears streaming down her face. It had become commonplace for her to cry at the drop of a hat over the past month or so… and coming into her fourth month of pregnancy, it only seemed to be getting worse.

"Hey. What are the tears for Hales? You know I don't like to see my baby cry." She snuggled into his embrace as he sat next to her placing his arm around her comfortably.

"It was the last one" she sobbed with a hiccup

"What was the last one, babe?" He had surprised even himself with just how patient he could be with Haley's pregnancy mood swings. He never knew what to expect from her at the moment but generally found if he was supportive and avoided any arguments he would come through unscathed.

"The skirt, Nathan! Pay attention." she snapped after pulling back to glare at the man responsible for her resembling an African Elephant. At his startled expression she began to sob again, apologising for being the worst girlfriend in the world.

After a few minutes she seemed to have composed herself, so Nathan pulled away and asked gently what was wrong with her skirt. She stood up and showed him where the material had ripped at the zipper.

"This is the last skirt I could fit into which doesn't have an elastic waist. And now I'm too fat for it!"

Nathan successfully managed to hide his smile at her antics. "You are not fat, Haley."

"Nathan, I'm so fat that I ripped my skirt trying to get it on. There is no room for argument here."

He moved closer undoing the clasp at the top of the zipper and letting the skirt fall to the floor. Kneeling down in front of her he took her hands and placed them beneath his, over the top of her barely visible baby bump. He placed a soft kiss near her belly button and felt one of her hands slide from underneath his to spear through his hair affectionately.

"You, my gorgeous girlfriend, are not fat. You are pregnant. You are growing our child inside of you right now and with each and every day you glow a little more, and look just a little more beautiful to me."

He looked up to find her smiling down at him, completely placated. "You promise?"

Nathan grinned up at her, his hands roaming around to cup her firm buttocks. "And you are sexy as hell, baby. If we didn't have be at work soon I'd be making love to you right now."

A cheeky grin appeared on her face as her hands held his forcing him to look up at her. "I have two free periods at the end of the day. My class is on a field trip."

"Really, Miss James? As you well know I have Tuesday afternoons off… so I can only assume you're suggesting a little afternoon nookie?"

"And they say gym teachers are slow!" she teased

Just wait until this afternoon Miss James and I'll show you just how slow I can go. His husky whisper against her belly, sent a sensual shiver down her spine. Her skin tingled with anticipation and she wished they didn't have to work at all.

"Mom! Hurry up or we'll be late!" JJ's impatient shout from the down the hall had them both coming back to reality. Nathan quickly walked over to their walk in closet and selected an elegant sophisticated plum coloured skirt with a slight split up the side, handing it to his girlfriend.

"Wear this. Your legs look killer in it." He kissed her deeply before heading for the door. "I love you. I'll meet you here this afternoon… and make sure you're wearing the skirt." He winked, leaving a flushed Haley to stare after him.

A moment later his head popped around the door frame and he smirked at her. "Only the skirt."

Haley giggled to herself like a schoolgirl before quickly scampering around to get herself ready, all the while thinking 'today is going to be a good day'.

* * *

"Today sucks"

Haley slumped down on the seat at the empty table with a petulant pout on her lips. She looked around the almost empty cafe, thankful for the peace and quiet it afforded after having endured a whole two classes with Ashley Wilson ; a thirteen year old boy sent from the depths of hell to torture her. A little overdramatic maybe, but Haley was convinced she was onto something there... she'd have to keep an eye out for a little devil's tale.

"Hi Haley. I'm glad you could make it today, we haven't caught up in a while."

Just seeing Karen's friendly face and her motherly manner had Haley's mood brightening.

"Hey Karen."

"So, how has your day been so far?" The older woman took a seat opposite, automatically toying with the condiments in the centre of the table, straightening them out perfectly while she waited for the blonde to get what was obviously bothering her, off her chest.

She ran through a mental catalogue of everything that had happened that day, blushing slightly as she remembered her encounter with Nathan earlier that morning and the promise of what was to come later that afternoon. Her face clouded over however as she remembered the events of the rest of the morning.

"Well, i'm too fat to fit into ninety nine percent of my clothing, my son is shutting me out of his life and I have just spent two hours teaching the spawn of satan how to play piano... so far it's been just great."

Blowing out an annoyed breath, Haley's gaze lifted to find a sympathetic smile on her friend's face. At that moment she knew it was true when people said sometimes all you need is your mum to make your troubles go away. The relationship with her own parents could only be called strained at best and Karen had become a surrogate mother since she arrived in Tree Hill, knowing what it was like to raise a child on her own.

"Still having problems with JJ?"

"Yeah. I mean it's not like I'm dealing with bad behavior or anything like that, but it's like I can't reach him at all, and he has completely withdrawn from Nathan. It breaks my heart Karen, to see this distance between them when they used to be so close. What's worse is that I know it's killing Nathan, but he plays it down because he doesn't want me to worry. He loves JJ so much and to have him treat him more like a house guest than a friend and father figure... it's tearing him apart."

Trying to talk to her son during the ride to shool that morning about his attitude towards Nathan had been a waste of time. It might have been easier if JJ had kicked and screamed, but instead he simply refused to acknowledge that there was a problem at all. They knew it had something to do with the baby and had tried to get him to open up about his feelings regarding his new brother or sister, but it seemed to be a 'no-go' topic. It hurt to know that her son was hurting... and that he wasn't happy about her pregnancy. She had hoped that things would get better, but they seemed to be deteriorating since the day she and Nathan had told him about the baby.

She still remembered the way his face had fallen when they'd told him their good news; the way he looked at Nathan's hand on her stomach, his little eyes narrowing in disdain and then... nothing. His face had become a mask and the boy simply shrugged his shoulders.

"Okay. Can I go play now?"

Still a little perturbed by this anticlimax, Haley had taken comfort in Nathan's reassuring embrace and the way he tenderly stroked her stomach through her clothes.

"Um, well do you have any questions or anything to say about this, Josh?"

JJ simply shook his head, avoiding the anxious gazes of his mother and her boyfriend, looking like he was ready to bolt at any second.

Nathan sighed, then plastered on a smile for both Haley and JJ's benefit. "Well, if you want to talk about it you can come to us any time, okay buddy?"

The young boy nodded hesitantly before running out of the room without a glance back. That had been almost a month ago and her son still barely spoke to Nathan unless absolutely necessary, he avoided the topic of the baby as though it didn't exist and he barely hugged her at all, claiming he was getting too old for that stuff.

"I don't know what to say, Haley. I know you don't want to upset him, but I think maybe it's time that you and Nathan forced a discussion about this. With only having the one child, I never had to worry about Lucas dealing with a new baby, but I have heard that some children have difficulty coping... and with all the changes in his life over the past year with you dating Nathan and then moving in together, well he might just be having trouble adjusting."

Haley knew there had been a lot of adjustments for her son in recent months, but had thought he was happy with the changes and was coping with them really well. Perhaps she had only been seeing what she wanted to see. The blonde smiled warmly as a waitress placed her lunch in front of her. She and Karen used to have a meal together at the cafe every week before their lives had become too busy, and even now Karen always made sure that there was home made mac and cheese ready whenever Haley was expected to pop in. The blonde wolfed down her food, a common occurrence these days, now that her appetite had returned with the end of her morning sickness.

"Gosh, I feel like such a glutton sometimes" Haley blushed upon realising that Karen was barely half way through her meal.

"You're eating for two now and I don't ever want to hear any nonsense about you eating too much and getting fat. You're one of those lucky pregnant women who look healthy and radiant. I on the other hand did not look my best while carrying Lucas. I swear I thought they'd need a crane to take me to the hospital with all the fluid I was retaining."

Nathan told her all the time that she looked beautiful and that she wasn't getting fat, but she often wondered if it was just because he loved her and was supposed to tell her those things, so hearing it from Karen really meant a lot. She felt stupid being so insecure, but after being treated like a leper by her husband during her first pregnancy, she couldn't help but have some lingering issues.

"How is Luke doing? I haven't seen him in such a long time."

"Oh. He's good. I think." Karen's smile failed to reach her eyes and concern flared up within Haley.

"What is it?"

"It's probably nothing and I'm just being a worried mother but I get the feeling that he's not happy. I know he's achieved more than he could have ever dreamed of when he got drafted into the NBA and I know he loves the game, but I just have the feeling that it's lost some of its shine; that he is searching for something more, you know?"

Haley nodded in understanding. She hadn't spoken to Lucas much in the last year or so, but she had discerned a note of restlessness; of discontent. She and Luke had become fast friends after meeting through Karen not long after Haley moved to Tree Hill. He didn't visit often, it was difficult with him being busy with basketball and living across the country, but he always tried to make time to see his mother. Also, being friends with both Brooke and Jake in high school meant that he'd spend time with them while visiting and was introduced to Haley, the two of them connecting immediately. She had heard plenty about Luke, the blonde Scott brother who had made it big in the NBA, but she hadn't expected that he would share her love for literature, a topic they could discuss for hours.

"I've noticed that too, Karen. But you know what? Luke's a really smart guy and I'm confident he'll figure out what's best for him and sort himself out."

"Yeah, you're right. He is planning to visit soon, which is great because it's been over a year since he made it back home."

"It has been a while." Haley took a sip of water, looking thoughtfully out the window and onto the quiet street. She chuckled slightly, shaking her head.

"What?"

"I just realised something, Karen. I have been friends with Lucas for six years and he's almost like another brother to me. Now Nathan has become a huge part of my world. God, I'm living with Lucas' half-brother and I'm going to give birth to his niece or nephew. They both mean so much to me, yet I've never actually seen the two of them together. Isn't that strange?"

Karen chuckled seeing how that situation would sound odd to those who didn't know them. "Yes, it is a little strange, but then the boys' relationship is complicated."

Haley bit her lip pensively. This was the perfect opportunity to find out more information about Nathan's relationship with his brother. She knew that they loved each other and grew up to be close despite living in different houses, but she also sensed a distance there, her suspicion compounded by the fact that as far as she knew, the brothers had only shared a few telephone calls and emails in the entire time she'd been dating Nathan. She spoke to Luke more than Nathan ever did, but whenever she brought it up her boyfriend would just dismiss it as them leading different lives and Lucas not having a lot of time to keep in touch.

"You're curious about the history between them?"

Haley looked up, startled that Karen had been able to read her so openly. "I know I should wait for Nathan to tell me, but with the baby on the way I would really love to see them become closer again, like I know they were in high school. Maybe if I can understand what went wrong, then I could figure out how to help."

"Maybe. I'd love to see that too. To be honest, I don't really know exactly what happened, but I can hazard a guess. Lucas and Nathan both love basketball, and back in high school they both lived and breathed it, but Nathan was the star. I swear watching that boy play was like nothing else, he just had this grace that made it seem like every movement he made was choreographed to perfection. He was the town's golden boy and when he received a full scholarship to Duke he was headed for the big time, but then as you know he turned it down to stay with Deb when she became ill."

"Yeah, we've spoken about that. He would never admit how much it cost him because I know he loved his mother very much, but I can tell it really hurt having to give up that dream."

"I don't think many people understood him turning down that scholarship. They're belief being that Deb would either beat the cancer or succumb to it whether he was here with her or off at college. But Nathan loved his mother very much and he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he hadn't done everything he could for her and spent every moment he could with her."

Even after all these years it was still difficult for Karen to talk about her friend's death. They'd been brought together under the worst of circumstances, both used and dumped by the same man, left to raise their sons alone. But through a shared misfortune the two forged an unshakable bond, raising their sons as brothers and becoming more like sisters than just friends. Lucas was her flesh and blood, but Nathan had been a part of her life since he was born and she loved him dearly, so this slight rift between the two men was something she wanted to end... and she had a feeling that the only person who could do that was sitting right across from her.

"Do you think he's jealous of Luke?"

Haley hated to think that was the problem, because realistically what guy wouldn't prefer the life a celebrity sportsman rather than life in a small town living with a high school teacher and her son.

"I don't think it's that simple, Haley. You see Nathan not only had to watch his mother fade away before his eyes, but simultaneously he saw his brother live the life that was meant for him. You probably don't know this, but Luke never wanted to play college ball. He applied to Duke to study literature, but after Nathan had to turn down his scholarship, Duke offered it to Lucas. It was a bit of a shock to everyone and I know that he struggled with his decision; with how much it would hurt his brother, but in the end he did was best for him, and I supported him one hundred percent."

"Surely Nathan understood that, though. Obviously I didn't know him back then and he's changed a lot, but I really can't see Nathan holding that against Luke."

"Oh, I don't believe he did either. There are other things that added to the awkwardness of the situation, including Peyton."

Haley raised her brow inquisitively. "Peyton? As in Nathan's high school girlfriend and Brooke's best friend at the time?"

"Yes. I don't know exactly what happened, I guess I was a bit out of the loop being 'old' and all, but I do know that some time during their first semester at Duke, Lucas and Peyton started dating. Nathan and Peyton hadn't been together for a long time and what I remember from back in those days, it was hardly an epic romance, but all of a sudden, Nathan had lost his mother, was stuck going to community college instead of a pregistous school and had to work to support himself, while Lucas had _his_ basketball scholarship and _his_ ex-girlfriend."

So many things were starting to fall into place. Brooke had never said much about the falling out with her best friend, just that something had happened after high school that ended their friendship... and going out with her ex-boyfriend would probably do it. Knowing how devastating it must have been for Nathan to watch his brother live a carbon copy of what his life was supposed to be, well it made sense that there would be some issues there.

"He really got the raw end of the deal, didn't he? I'd probably be a little pissed too if I'd been close to sporting greatness with all the money and fame that comes along with it, but ended up as a high school basketball coach shacked up with a single mom and her kid."

Karen gasped, realising the direction of which the blonde's thoughts were taking. "Oh honey. Nathan loves you and JJ so much. He wouldn't trade his life for Luke's no matter how much he may have wanted it in the past. Basketball was always his focus, but it was also a way of getting a better life for himself and especially for his mother. I don't think it would ever have been enough for him."

Reaching across the table and taking her hand, Karen continued. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to that boy. I've watched him grow from a baby to the man he is today and he's never been happier. Things weren't good for him after we lost Deb, but you've brought him back to us. Actually, you've given us an even better, happier Nathan and I'm just so glad you came into all of our lives. You really are a God send, Haley James."

"Thank you, Karen. You're so good to me; like the mother I wish mine had been. You've all made this town my home and welcomed me into your lives like I always belonged here. And I know you think I've been good for Nathan, but it's the other way around. He is the best thing that's ever happened to JJ and I. I really can't imagine my life without him."

"I really don't think that's something you'll ever have to worry about."

* * *

Nathan kicked the door shut behind him, almost falling flat on his face as he struggled to toe off his shoes while making his way further into the house. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about his girlfriend all day, and their arrangement to meet for some afternoon nookie. She had looked so unbelievably hot this morning in her plain pink cotton panties and matching bra. Where she got the idea that she was getting fat, and therefore unattractive, he had no idea because he'd honestly never found her more beautiful. It must be this pregnancy glow thing people talked about because she just radiated a sensual beauty that he picked up like a homing beacon.

Pulling his polo shirt over his head and throwing it across the foyer where it landed on the entryway side table, before sliding down to the floor, Nathan couldn't wipe the grin off his face thinking about making love to Haley. Next came off his belt, followed quickly by his shorts which were left sitting in the middle of the hallway. He was on a mission and there just wasn't time for trivial things like picking up his clothing. He wanted to make love to her and he wanted to do it now!

Hearing the front door open and close, Haley knew that Nathan had arrived home and wasn't looking forward to informing him that their little liaison would have to wait for another day. After the disastrous morning she'd had, she'd been looking forward to spending some quality 'alone' time with Nathan, but it seemed the Gods were against her once again. Her jaw dropped as he entered the living area clad in only his boxers and a look of pure lust in his eyes. God, but he was the perfect specimen of a man and she inwardly cursed that she'd have to wait until that evening to enjoy him and his glorious body.

The air around them crackled with electricity as soon as their eyes met. He was more turned on than a teenage boy watching his first skin flick, it was almost embarrassing. But she had that effect on him, this way of making him need her and only her, forgetting about the rest of the world and the problems that plagued him there.

He'd crossed the room to reach her in a couple of seconds, one arm wrapping around her waist, pulling her hard against him and his growing erection, his other hand sliding up the back of her neck, to tangle in the blond locks she'd freed earlier after finishing work. A breath hitched in her throat as he rested his temple against hers, looking longingly into her eyes.

"Hi." The husky whisper sent a shiver of excitement running down her spine.

"Hi."

Nathan smiled at her breathless whisper. He'd surprised himself with the urgency of his want for her, so he could understand her own startled reaction.

"I'm glad you left the skirt on." He lowered his lips to hers, his demanding kiss overpowering them both. "Although I had kinda hoped that you would take my advice with the 'only the skirt' thing. But no matter, it's easily fixed baby."

Haley was in a daze, her senses assaulted by the sheer force of Nathan's desire and obvious need for her. The feel of his strong hand sliding down over her shoulder to gently stroke her breast through the silk of her shirt was enough to bring her back to reality for a moment and she was about to protest when he silenced her with another soul shattering kiss, backing her up against the living room wall with surprising gentleness, at odds with the urgency of his lips. She knew she should be stopping him, but as his hands traveled her body, pulling her shirt from the waistband of her skirt, she found herself unable to produce a single coherent thought, let alone remember why she would want him to stop this blissful encounter.

"God, I want you so bad, baby. I want to bury myself inside of you and make you scream my name."

"Ha! I always knew you'd be a screamer Haley-bub."

Nathan jumped back from his girlfriend upon hearing the strange female voice, spinning around to face the person currently getting quite an interesting show. He knew immediately he was seeing one of Haley's sisters. Although they were quite different, he could see the similarities there and this woman obviously knew Haley well enough to have a nickname for her.

"This is the funniest damn thing I've seen in ages. You can close your mouth now lover boy, it's not a good look for you… and you're ruining the rest of the package." Taylor James smirked and wiggled her eyebrows appreciatively, thoroughly enjoying the fact that roles had been reversed for the first time ever, and she had actually caught her little sister with a guy.

Haley struggled to contain her giggles as she took in the sight before her. Poor Nathan was standing in his boxers, a raging hard on clearly visible and a mixture of shock and mortification written on his face. She could see her sister, ever the antagonist, was clearly enjoying the awkward situation.

"Maybe I should wait in the kitchen. Let you calm down." Taylor's eyes glanced down at the front of Nathan's boxers during her last remark, before she spun around and left the room with a spring in her step.

"Or maybe you should just learn to knock!" Haley yelled after her sister in mock reproach.

"What the hell was that?" Nathan asked incredulously.

"I'm so sorry Nathan. I was going to tell you as soon as you got home that Taylor would be arriving this afternoon, but you kind of made it difficult." This time the giggles escaped

"It's not funny Hales."

"Yeah, it kinda is." She reached for his hand and pulled him to sit on the sofa beside her, gently rubbing soothing circles on his back, as he dropped his head into his hands and groaned in embarrassment and frustration.

"Oh my God. Your sister is going to think I'm some kind of sex addict or something. I can't believe I said those things in front of her."

Haley made an odd snorting sound showing her skepticism about his remark. "Taylor James is the queen of inappropriate, babe. This is like family hour compared the crap she used to pull, and besides, I love it when you talk dirty to me."

Nathan looked up slightly placated with a faint smirk on his face. "Yeah?"

Haley nodded her head vigorously with a wide grin. "Plus, that totally earned me some cool points after having been the boring sister for so long."

Nathan leaned across and captured her lips in a tender kiss. He still found it hard to believe sometimes that he had managed to get himself such an amazing woman. Pulling away he pouted and whined childishly. "Why now? I've been looking forward to getting you naked all day"

"Is the live porn act almost over, or should I drive around town for half an hour while you two get your jollies?"

"Shut up Taylor. We'll be out in a minute." Standing up, Haley affectionately ran her hands through his raven hair as he pulled her between his knees and hugged her around the waist, placing a few soft kisses on her slightly swollen belly.

"That's Taylor? The same sister who is getting married in a few weeks?"

Haley nodded with a chuckle. She still found it hard to believe that her sister was actually ready to settle down from her wild child ways.

"Jesus. Poor guy."

Whacking him softly across the shoulder in playful reproach, Haley stepped out of his embrace and began to pick up the clothing he'd discarded earlier, handing them to him before she made her way to the kitchen to have a word with her sister.

"You always did have impeccable timing, Tay."

"Oh, come on. You have to admit that was some funny shit, Bub. Did you see lover boy's face?"

"There was no need to taunt him, Tay. Not everyone is used to your wicked humour."

"True. And then some people never get used to it like that asswipe ex-husband of yours. Known me all his life and still can't take a joke."

Not wanting to get into a conversation about Mitchell and her sister's loathing for the man, she quickly changed the subject. "Well, Nathan happens to have a great sense of humor, but just lay off him okay, because it's hard enough meeting someone from my family for the first time, let alone when they've just seen you almost naked."

"…and sporting a mighty impressive hard on, if I may say so. Nice job bub. I totally approve of your choice of man candy. Lover boy is fine."

"The name's Nathan actually, and I'm glad you approve."

Both women turned to find him leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest, smiling amusedly at their conversation. Taylor actually had the good grace to blush at being caught out.

"Hey, sorry about before. Sometimes I just can't help myself and I let my mouth work without communicating with my brain first."

Nathan chuckled, muttering under his breath "I bet the boys love that."

Taylor scoffed half in disbelief, half in admiration of the guys balls for calling her out on that one. "What I meant was that I often speak without thinking."

"Really? I thought you just liked taking the piss."

Taylor raised her eyebrow in surprise. It wasn't often someone would call her on her shit. Most guys either sucked up to her or tried to get into her pants; she was seriously impressed by this guy. She and Haley hadn't always had a perfect relationship growing up, but the two had become very close when Haley's marriage broke down and she was now fiercely protective of her younger sister. She deserved the best after all she'd been through.

Taylor gave Nathan a genuine smile. "I like him Bub. He's a keeper."

Thanks for reading.

Lori

xoxox


	6. Echoes of the Past

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 6 – Echoes of the Past**

**IMPORTANT A/N: THIS STORY WILL BE MOVED UP TO A RATING 'M' IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.**

**If you do not have this story on story alert, please remember to search for 'all ratings' if you wish to read future updates, as this fi****c will no longer show up on the normal 'K – T' pages. If you don't know how to do this, just PM me.**

**This is quite a long chapter ****- definitely the longest I've ever written. I know some of you would like to see more regular updates, but it's important to me to produce quality work that I'm proud of rather than rushing chapters out for quick satisfaction. Thanks again to everyone who has been reviewing, your support means a lot to me. Also, thank you to Bec (pinkythesupergirl) for beta-ing, and to her and Dawn (BabblyBaby) for their constant support and assistance.**

* * *

Karen's gaze swept around the table, looking at all the important people in her life. Sometimes she wondered how she became blessed with such an amazing group of family and friends. 

"Thank you so much for tonight. I honestly wasn't expecting this at all but it was a wonderful surprise. Not quite as wonderful as the other surprise of the evening. Having Luke here has to be the best birthday present I could have asked for."

She smiled warmly at her son sitting to her right. She'd expected to be having a quiet dinner with Nathan, Haley and JJ to celebrate, but instead found herself being treated to a surprise birthday dinner at their home along with Brooke, Jake and Jenny and a very unexpected Lucas.

The cake had been cut and heartily devoured by all and Haley had just prepared coffee to round up the gorgeous meal she'd served. Jenny was up in the spare room sleeping, having worn herself out, but unfortunately JJ who had previously been put to bed had gotten up claiming to be thirsty; somehow managing to avoid going back to his room and was currently snuggling into the side of his 'Uncle' Lucas, struggling to keep his eyes open, but determined to stay awake.

"Wow. That was a big yawn Josh."

Everyone chuckled at the young boy's attempt to look alert after being caught yawning. He stole a glance at his mother who raised her eyebrows to show that she had indeed noticed that he still hadn't done as she'd asked and gone back to his room.

"JJ come on. Your mom asked you to go back to bed." Nathan knew as well as Haley, that the eight year old would stay up for hours if they let him.

"You're not my Dad. You can't tell me what to do!" His eyes glaring and his faced flushed red with rage, the young boy looked nothing like his happy, carefree self of just a month ago.

The room was filled with tension, everyone shocked at the usually placid boy's behavior. Nathan knew they were trying to ignore the awkwardness, but he could see them all looking at him from the corner of their eye, wondering how he was dealing with the strained situation. The only thing that kept him from losing his composure was Haley's warm hand clasping his; her thumb rubbing soothing circles on his skin.

"Joshua James! Go to your room. Now!" Haley's restrained voice failed to hide how shocked and upset she was by this outburst.

The young boy looked on the verge of tears as his eyes began to water and his lower lip trembled. He glanced around the table, embarrassed at being scolded in front of everyone, before glaring in Nathan's direction and racing off to his room, the door slamming behind him.

Before long the chatter resumed amongst the guests and Nathan took the opportunity to slip out of the dining room unnoticed, except by Haley who had been tuned into his bewildered sadness since the earlier incident.

Leaning over the kitchen bench, he took a few deep breaths, willing himself not to cry. It was killing him inside to have JJ treat him like a stranger, and now with open hostility, he wondered if he could take much more of it. That little boy meant the world to him and it honestly felt like JJ hated him and he couldn't understand why.

Haley watched him from just inside the doorway, closing the door behind her. He looked so defeated; his shoulders slumped and his knuckles white from gripping the bench. She chewed her bottom lip in frustration, hating how helpless she felt. There didn't seem to be anything she could do to make this situation better. Even Taylor had commented on JJ's strange behavior, but had had no further luck in getting him to discuss it with her. It had been great having her sister staying with them, but sad that she'd become almost a kind of buffer, easing the awkwardness between her boyfriend and her son.

Instinctively, Haley moved behind him, her gentle hands wrapping around his waist from behind; wanting to help him in the only way she knew how. She felt his body relax as she moved closer, pressing herself into his back, placing a soft kiss on his shoulder blade before resting her cheek against the very same spot.

Nathan exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and placed his large hands over the top of hers resting on his stomach. There was nothing that could make this okay, but if anything could make him feel better, it was this woman. Just this simple touch was enough to calm him down and lessen the hurt a little.

"I'm so sorry Nathan. I really am... I just don't know what to do with him. But he will come around. I'm sure of it"

Nathan didn't respond, not wanting to speak the words aloud; the words that had been plaguing his mind for the last couple of weeks. He knew once he voiced his concerns about Josh never getting over what was troubling him, then it would be a real possibility; a possibility without a good resolution.

The thought of spending years in this situation terrified him. Loving a little boy who despised him was becoming more painful every day, and the worry of it not ending was too much to bear. A wave of guilt washed over him as he realized that he was clinging to the fact that now he and Haley were having a child, he was a part of their family and wouldn't simply be cast aside because things weren't working out perfectly. How could he think like that knowing that not only was he making JJ miserable, and Haley in turn, but he was using their unborn child as a lifeline? The thought sickened him.

Haley felt him pull away from her emotionally before he even removed her arms from his waist and slipped out from between her and the bench. She watched as he turned with a fake smile plastered on his face, one she had only seen him use on her son recently, never on her and hated that he felt he needed to. She didn't want him to hide his feelings from her, not when they'd become so close and seemed to share everything with one another.

She blanched at that thought. Who the hell was she to expect complete openness and honesty from him? She still hadn't filled him in completely on her past, and there were no excuses now except that she was a coward and didn't want to rock the boat and upset the perfect little life they were building together. Well, their boat had well and truly been rocked now and their life?… not so perfect at the moment.

If it were anyone but Nathan, she'd have told them by now. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but this would hit a little too close to home for him and the last thing she would ever want to do is hurt this man. Nathan was the one thing holding her together at the moment; helping deal with JJ, even though it was affecting him much more than her, dealing with her hormonal mood swings… and just generally putting her well-being ahead of his own. Something she realized was like second nature to him.

"We don't want to keep our guests waiting"

And with that he was gone, leaving her feeling extremely troubled, but knowing there was nothing she could do, at least not until everyone had left and she could talk to him about all of this. She had no idea what she was going to do with her son, but she would fix this; she had to, because JJ, Nathan and her unborn child were her world and she do anything to keep that world from spinning off its axis.

Haley sighed as she closed the door after saying goodbye to everyone. The only guest left was Luke who was currently playing a game of NBA live with Nathan in the lounge room. She could hear them taunting each other playfully and smiled, seeing that even though they had their issues, they were brothers and would always love each other.

She had begun clearing up the last of the plates and loading them into the dishwasher when she felt her ass being groped. Squealing she spun around and couldn't help but laugh at the lecherous look in Nathan's eyes as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. He pulled her to him and slanted his mouth across hers in a heated kiss, taking her completely by surprise. In fact his behavior was surprising in general after the disastrous evening they'd had.

Nathan's hands traveled down her back to cup her buttocks, kneading them softly and eliciting a throaty moan from her which was lost in their kiss. She flattened herself against him, feeling the growing bulge in his pants and suddenly all her worries and the events from this evening and the past month melted away. She was intoxicated by him and the warmth and security his touch offered her.

"I'm starting to wonder if seeing you guys like this will ever stop being weird." Luke's voice was like a bucket of cold water being poured over the couple.

Nathan groaned in annoyance at being interrupted by a bothersome sibling once again. Could they never get any private time around here? Between Taylor and now Lucas, he was seriously considering a ban on family members staying over. Taylor had taken a trip to Charlotte for the weekend and Nathan thought it would be the perfect time for he and Haley to rectify the problem of not having made love for a couple of nights, but then Haley had offered to let Lucas stay so he could have a few drinks, and Nathan knew she would feel weird having sex whilst his brother was in a room down the hall.

Pulling Haley into his side, he kissed her forehead sweetly. "Well get used to it because you're going to be seeing it for the rest of your life."

Lucas studied his brother carefully, not used to seeing him act this way with any woman. He had to admit that when he first heard that Haley and Nathan had started dating, he'd had his concerns. Nathan was a great guy; the best, but his track record with commitment was pretty dismal. Searching his brother's face he found no trace of humour, only a determined glint in his eyes and knew that for the first time, Nathan was in love. He also noticed the way his face softened as he looked down at his girlfriend, who was grinning up at him, obviously very pleased with his comment.

"I've changed my mind about crashing here tonight. I only had a couple of beers so I'm going to head over to Mom's."

Nathan knew he should protest; assure his brother he was more than welcome to stay, but he was selfish and wanted nothing more than to be alone with Haley.

"Okay man. Well, make sure you visit again before you leave."

Lucas walked over and gave his bother a hug, feeling like for the first time in a long time, that there was hope for their relationship to get back to how it used to be. The past was in the past and Nathan seemed genuinely happy with his life. Next, he bent down and engulfed Haley in a warm embrace, kissing her cheek and then just to annoy her, ruffled her hair as had become his custom, stating that she was like his little sister and it was his job to piss her off.

"Oh. I promised JJ we'd go to the River court and play some ball tomorrow after lunch. Can you let him know that I'll be over to pick him up?"

Haley felt Nathan tense beside her and inwardly winced, knowing that Lucas had just hurt his brother without even knowing it. Her son, who used to nag Nathan constantly to play, had steadfastly refused her boyfriend's recent attempts to reconnect with him through their shared passion for the game, saying he no longer like to play.

Lucas noticed the sudden shift in the atmosphere and realized his mistake. He really felt for his brother. Both Haley and Karen had filled him in on the wonderful relationship Nathan had formed with JJ, and he had looked forward to seeing them together, knowing that the young boy had missed out on a father figure for so long. Unfortunately it seemed he'd missed out on that pleasure, with the distance between the two obvious to all. If he'd never known of the previous close bond, he would have thought that JJ had disliked Nathan from the beginning, rather than being the one who ultimately brought Nathan and his mother together.

"Hey, why don't you come? We'll make a day of it and invite Jake and Jenny to join us, maybe even have a sleepover at Jake's?"

Haley smiled appreciatively at her friend, silently thanking him for his efforts. Maybe Luke could help bridge the gap that had formed between the two most important people in her life.

"Nah. I don't think so. I've got… some stuff to do."

"Nathan, please." The hesitant but hopeful plea came out a little more desperate than she'd intended, but it seemed to have reached him as he nodded his head affording her a small smile.

"Great!" Luke looked over at Haley with a cheeky smile. "I'm sure Brooke would love to have a girl's night here. We can even keep Jenny so that the two of you can even go out and have a bit of a 'girls gone wild' evening"

Haley chuckled. "Well, Taylor's back tomorrow, so anything is possible with her around."

Nathan groaned dramatically. "God, Hurricane Taylor is about to hit and Tree Hill will never be the same."

* * *

Nathan pulled the car in next to Luke's and Jake's parked at the Rivercourt where he'd left not long ago to collect some drinks and snack. He'd known in his gut that it was a mistake to come along today; known that JJ wouldn't want him there and would be miserable, not to mention how miserable he was himself. Their game of basketball, rather than the fun event they always looked forward to, had been a disaster. Josh was still in a mood from the night before and refused to be cheered up even by Luke or Jenny. Nathan had tried to avoid the young boy but even opting out of the game due to odd numbers did not manage to lift the boy's spirits. 

He sighed heavily, resting his forehead against the wheel. Last night in Haley's arms he'd forgotten all about the problems he'd been having and was truly happy for a few hours, sleeping peacefully after making love to the woman he loved, but upon waking, reality had confronted him once again and with a heavy heart he prepared himself for another difficult day.

Lifting his head and looking through the windshield he was confronted with a sight that both sent his spirits soaring and broke his heart at the same time. JJ was laughing animatedly as Luke gave him a piggy back ride, running circles around Jake and Jenny who were doing the same. The eight year old looked so carefree and happy that no one would have known that he had been so sullen for almost a month… and all it took was for Nathan to leave; his presence obviously not wanted nor welcome.

Collecting the bag of snacks that were sitting on the passenger seat, Nathan plastered on a smile and approached the group who were so involved in their playful games, they hadn't noticed his return.

"Come and get it"

Nathan unpacked all of the drinks and snacks from the bag and placed them on the bench for everyone to grab. Jenny was chattering excitedly about making a basket while Jake smiled on proudly and Luke pretended to complain that she must have had professional tuition since his last visit because she's just too good for him. Before long it became apparent that JJ hadn't joined them and Nathan turned to find him sitting in the middle of the court fiddling with the ball. It tore him apart to see JJ so unhappy, especially knowing that he was the cause.

Luke followed his brother's gaze and sighed, wishing that there was something he could do to repair this broken relationship. No matter how hard Nathan tried to hide how much this was hurting him, his smile never quite reached his eyes.

"Look man, I'm gonna pass on tonight. I think it'd be good for JJ to have some space from me."

"No, come on. Just keep at it and he's sure to give a little eventually."

Making sure that Jenny was out of earshot, Nathan shook his head. "Look at him Luke. You know what he's usually like, that goofy little grin and you can't get a word in with his constant chatter. Look at what he's become lately. That's because of me. I don't know why or how this happened, but it did. I'm hurting someone I love dearly and it's killing me. So just for tonight, can you please take him to Jake's and make sure he has a good time?"

Lucas nodded warily, even though he thought it would be better for Nathan to come along and keep trying with JJ. Part of it was selfish really, because he knew that the fact that JJ was so excited to see him while so hostile towards Nathan was causing even more tension between him and his brother. The last thing they needed was some new resentment to widen the rift between them. He felt guilty enough about everything that had happened between them years ago, even if his brother didn't know the full story. He just hoped that Haley would be able to help bring them together again. He had a feeling she was the only person who could.

"Are you gonna play now Uncle Nathan?" Jenny's wide smile brought a genuine one to his own face. She was such an adorable little girl and she had a soft spot for her 'Uncle Nathan'.

"Sorry Jen. I'm not feeling too good. I'm going home now, but I'm sure these guys are happy to keep playing."

"Okay, but you're still gonna play NBA live with me later, right? You promised to teach me that trick!" Nathan felt guilty for letting her down, but knew he couldn't handle another tension filled evening.

"I won't be there tonight, but I will teach you next time. I promise."

All of a sudden JJ appeared next to Jenny, grabbing a drink from the bench. "Uncle Luke's better at it anyway. We don't need Nathan."

It felt like a knife to the heart, but he managed to ignore the comment. "I'm sure Luke will be happy to show you Jen."

The little girl turned to JJ and glared at him, hands on her hips a pose she'd obviously learnt from Brooke somewhere along the line. "Why do you have to be such a meanie?! It's your fault Uncle Nathan doesn't want to come to my house tonight because you're always being mean to him. You're such a jerk JJ!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not you stupid-head!"

Jake broke up the quarrel in his usual firm, but gentle manner and while the other two men distracted the children from their argument, Nathan took the opportunity to slip away to his car. It wasn't until he heard the squeal of his tires as he reversed and took off down the road, that he snapped out of his concerned reverie. This whole situation was getting worse and he didn't know how it could possibly improve. It was obviously bad for JJ having him around, but he honestly felt that there was no way he could leave his family; it just wasn't an option. He wouldn't give them up for the world, so he'd have to keep trying with him until he could make a breakthrough. That little boy was far too important to him to give up, and especially now with Haley expecting their child, he needed to make things right.

* * *

"Haley, would you get your hot little pregnant ass out here now?!" 

Haley rolled her eyes, more amused than annoyed by her sister's impatience. Brooke and Taylor were dressed to impress and rearing to go for their girl's night out, and having to wait for Haley was not pleasing them at all. Taylor was the only one of Haley's family who had ever visited her in Tree Hill, and she and Brooke had hit it off immediately when they met years earlier. Unfortunately for Haley, it always meant that they'd gang up on her when they got together.

"Hang on! Give me a few minutes."

"Baby, I'll be fine here by myself. Go have fun." Nathan smiled reassuringly, but she could see that it didn't quite reach his eyes. She'd tried to get out of her girl's night after Nathan had told her what happened at the River court, but he insisted that she go out. He was adamant that she deserved a fun night to forget about everything. What Haley wanted to know was, what about him and his need to forget about the strain he's been under.

Running her hands up and over his chest and shoulders to clasp behind his neck, Haley pulled him down for a kiss; a kiss meant for seduction.

"But I can have much more fun here." Her husky whisper sent a thrill to his groin and caused him to groan in frustration at her ability to turn him on so easily, but he refused to give in.

"As tempted as I am right now… because honestly, baby, you look like sex on legs, I'm not letting you pass up this chance to have fun tonight. Besides, isn't this supposed to be a mini hen's night for Taylor? I know you don't want to miss that."

Haley pouted, knowing that he was right. She didn't want to let Taylor down. "Okay. I'm going."

"That's my girl." Nathan smiled and admired her outfit for the hundredth time since she'd gotten changed. She wore a gorgeous crimson singlet that hinted at her now fuller breasts, a ribbon tying underneath the bust with a satin underlay and sheer material falling from the bust to mid thigh, subtly covering her baby bump. He let his gaze roam lower to the black maternity jeans that clung to her slim legs like a second skin and were tucked into a pair of knee high boots. Her hair was left out to fall in a golden torrent over her shoulders and down her back, just how he liked it best.

With another quick kiss goodbye, Haley turned to leave. "If you wait up for me, I'll make it worth your while."

Nathan smirked, watching her saunter out of the room, her hips swaying seductively for him. God, he had an amazing girlfriend.

* * *

"This place is great, Bub! Who woulda thought there would be a cool place to hang out in little old Tree Hill?" 

Haley laughed as they took a seat at a table near the dance floor while Brooke went off to the bar to get a drink for herself and the bride-to-be. "Yeah, I came here with Nathan not long ago." She blushed as she remembered their passionate lovemaking in the darkened area at the back of the club, and quickly changed the topic to avoid being caught looking so guilty. "Plus it's the only 'smoke free' club in town, so there wasn't really much of a choice if you wanted me to join in the fun tonight."

Taylor smiled at her younger sister warmly. She'd been quite shocked to learn that Haley was pregnant to a man she hadn't been dating for long and wasn't quite sure what to expect when she came to visit, but soon realized that the couple were perfect for each other. She just hoped that her nephew would come around soon and talk about his problems rather than taking them out on Nathan and making everyone else miserable in the process. She hated seeing JJ so depressed.

"I really am so happy for you Bub. I know how much it means to you to have another baby and I couldn't imagine a better guy for you to share this with."

Haley reached across the table, taking Taylor's hand in her own. "Thank you, Tay. I really do love him so much and having a family with him is more than I ever could have dreamed of."

"Alright. Enough of this lovefest girlies! Time to let loose and have some fun!" Brooke smiled cheekily at the two before removing a shot from the tray she'd put on the table and downing it, before quickly chasing it with a beer.

Taylor laughed, pleased to see that Brooke still knew how to party since the last time they'd all gone out a few years back. "Oh, if I must."

Try as hard as she might, Haley found that although she was having a good time with the girls, who were just beginning to show signs of becoming quite tipsy, she couldn't stop thinking about Nathan and how she wanted to be home with him to provide some comfort after the dreadful day he'd had. She just wished he'd open up to her and be honest about how much the situation was affecting him.

"This is party Sis, don't look so depressed." Taylor admonished her teasingly while Brooke offered a sympathetic smile, knowing how hard things were for her friend at the moment.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I should forget everything tonight and enjoy myself."

"If you need to talk about it Bub, do it now before we get too drunk to offer any sane advice."

Haley gave a brittle laugh. "That's not the problem, Tay. I can talk about it fine, it's Nathan who is holding everything in and pretending that it's not hurting him. I know he's doing it for me, but I don't think he realizes that I'm more stressed when he's not opening up about it."

"Look, Haley. I'm going to be honest here." Haley knew it was a serious conversation coming up if her sister resorted to using her name, rather than her childhood nickname. "You and Nathan have a great relationship. It's obviously really strong and I know that you both love each other totally. But you also need to keep in mind that you haven't been together very long and that means there are going to be some communication issues. It takes time to learn how your partner deals with different situations; how comfortable they are with opening up to you."

Brooke nodded in agreement. "All you can do is let him know that you are there to listen whenever he's ready. Let him do it in his own time." The brunette then laughed bitterly. "Then again, you can be in a relationship for years and still not be able to communicate."

Haley frowned knowing that Brooke was still concerned and upset by Jake's hesitance to set a date for their wedding, and lately, his avoidance of discussing the wedding at all. Not one to wallow in her problems, Brooke shrugged her worries away and focused on the drinks in front of her.

Almost two hours later Haley found herself sitting alone at the table, surrounded by empty glasses, watching Brooke and Taylor creating quite a stir out on the dance floor. It was possible that she was the only person in the club with her eyes not glued to the two gorgeous women currently bumping and grinding in a provocative fashion.

She could practically smell the testosterone as every male watched them engage in what amounted to nothing less than a live sex show minus the nudity. Oh well, at least they had achieved their goal of teasing all the 'pathetic dirty men' in the club who'd been either trying to chat them up all evening or simply staring blatantly at their breasts.

Upon glancing over at her sister and friend again, Haley raised her eyebrows in surprise when she found the two of them now kissing passionately, inciting cheers and wolf whistles from the men and glares from the women. It was definitely time for her to leave. She didn't want to be there; she wanted to be at home with Nathan where she could be getting some action herself.

After eventually managing to get their attention, Haley informed them that she was going home to her man, and promptly left the club eager to get home. She found Nathan asleep on top of their bed in only his boxers, obviously having failed in his mission to stay awake, the television still switched on.

Changing quickly into some panties and a t-shirt, Haley removed all of her make-up and brushed out her hair before joining her boyfriend on the bed. She ran a warm hand over his chest, letting her fingers gently play with one nipple as she watched him slowly rouse from his sleep.

"Hey, gorgeous. You're home." His voice husky from sleep sent a jolt of desire through her. He was always so sexy when he woke up.

"Yeah. I cut out early. I didn't really want to join in on the 'girl-on-girl' display the other two had going on."

"What?" Nathan chuckled just imagining what they would have gotten up to. "Actually, I shouldn't be surprised. Brooke may be fairly domesticated now, but I remember her back in high school when she was a total party girl. And Taylor? Well, I've only known her for a week and can see she'd never miss an opportunity to raise some hell."

"Add about a gallon of alcohol to the mix and you've got yourself a pretty good idea of what went down." Haley rolled her eyes remembering the display.

"Why didn't you join in Hales? It would have been hot." He winked teasingly.

"Eww! That's my sister and my best friend we're talking about. And even if they weren't, I'm not about to stick my tongue down another girl's throat in the middle of a club just to get some attention."

Nathan smirked at her. "No, definitely not your style. You prefer hot sex with your boyfriend in the back of the club, right?"

Haley gasped and slapped his chest playfully. "Shut up! That was different. Generally, I'm a 'good girl'."

Nathan arched his brow teasingly with a self satisfied smirk on his face. "Really? Somehow I don't think 'good girls' put out on the first date, live in sin with their boyfriend and… oh and let's not forget the little fact that you got knocked up out of wedlock. Naughty, naughty Hales."

Her glaring lasted only a few seconds before her lips twitched upwards in a defeated smile. It was amazing how good it actually felt to be thought of as something as other than the responsible single mother. "You're right. I am sooo bad."

"Uh-huh. Exactly how I like you baby; you look like an angel, but you've got some devil inside you too."

"I still can't believe I slept with you on our first date. It's so trashy" Haley laughed before blushing, remembering how bold she'd been that night.

"_Don't lie! You hated every moment of it." Haley chuckled at the memory of the ridiculous sappy movie she'd made him sit through for their first date, and the way he'd pretended to be interested even though she was sure he was about to nod off in the cinema a few times._

"_Okay, so the movie sucked, but getting to hold your hand was pretty good compensation, don't you think?"_

_Haley nodded, blushing slightly as he took hold of her hand resting on the kitchen table where they were capping the night off with a cup of coffee. Karen who offered to look after JJ for the evening had just left and besides the sleeping child, they were alone once again. Having known him for six months already, it was hardly a new concept, yet this was different. There was a new feeling consuming her, something very unfamiliar or long since forgotten. It was a mixture of desire and anticipation. In that moment she knew that she didn't want her evening to end here. She wanted to share herself with this man._

"_I'm really glad we went out tonight." _

"_Me too. I only had to survive four rejections before you finally gave into my charms." _

_Haley still felt a little bad for turning him down so many times, but she'd been single for so long and was unsure of how it would affect her son. "I'm really sorry about that Nathan. It's just that I haven't been on a date since before JJ was born and I guess I was nervous about how he would take it."_

"_Well, he seemed pretty happy about it."_

"_Yeah. He adores you Nathan. You're so good with him. You've really have been a God send."_

"_Is that why?"_

"_Why what?"_

"_Is that why you agreed to this date, because I'm good with JJ?"_

_Haley couldn't believe how vulnerable he looked all of a sudden, his usual self assured smirk nowhere in sight. She maneuvered her chair so that she sat facing him._

"_No, of course not. I promise."_

_Nathan almost sighed with relief, no longer worried that she wasn't really interested in pursuing a relationship with him because she liked him, simply because she had found someone who was good with her son._

"_I'm just using you for your hot body Coach Scott." Her brown orbs twinkled with laughter and Nathan knew he'd never seen anyone with such amazingly expressive eyes. It still amazed him that it had taken a while for him to notice all the small things about her that came together to create one hell of a stunning package. She had the kind of beauty that was often overlooked, but once discovered could take your breath away._

_The smile lighting up her face brought attention to an invitingly wide mouth and sensual full lips; she was irresistible. Before he could second guess his actions, he pulled her chair even closer, and leaned forward lowering his mouth to hers in a soft kiss. It was tender and innocent, yet lingered, neither party wanting to pull away._

_Nathan kept his eyes closed for a second as he fought to keep control of his thoughts which currently involved him to carrying her up to her room and have his way with her. He'd never been so turned on by such a simple kiss before and he could only imagine how incredible their chemistry would be in bed._

"_Thanks for the coffee Hales. I should probably go now."_

_A wave of disappointment hit Haley; her body screaming out in protest at the thought of being left so unsatisfied. She really wanted to make love to him tonight, but she wasn't the kind of woman to proposition any man, especially not on the first date. _

"_I had a great time, Nathan. Thanks for being so persistent." Haley joked, her feet shifting nervously as they stood at her front door. They'd already kissed, so there was no need to be this anxious, but she really wanted him to kiss her again. A few moments later her wish was granted._

_Nathan held her close to him, one arm around her waist, the other fisting in her hair as he devoured her lips. There was no restraint to this kiss, the couple eagerly exploring each other's mouths; searching, begging for more. Her small hands ran up and down his back, eventually dipping underneath his top, causing a shiver to run down his spine at the skin to skin contact._

_Pulling away breathless, Nathan gazed down at her lips, swollen from his kiss, and rested his forehead against hers, unwilling to lose the close contact they'd established. Haley smiled at him shyly and giggled._

"_That's one way to set the neighbor's tongues wagging."_

"_Well I'm your neighbor, but I can think of much better uses for my tongue." Nathan leaned closer and darted his tongue out to trace her bottom lip, causing her to moan softly._

"_Okay. I had better go before… I'd just better go." He was on the edge and struggling to control his raging hormones. He wanted this woman so badly, but knew he'd have to wait; be patient until she was ready. He took a step backwards preparing to leave when he felt her hands fist the front of his shirt._

"_Haley?"_

"_Stay." Her voice was confident, but he could see a hesitance in her eyes. Either she wasn't sure or she was worried about his response._

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Hell yes." She leaned up to kiss him. "It's just…"_

_Nathan smiled reassuringly, marveling at how easily he could read her. Sure, they'd been friends for a while but weren't you only supposed to be able to read someone after you'd been with them for a while; learnt their body language and facial expressions? It had always seemed to come so naturally with Haley that it was like reading an open book. "I'll leave before JJ wakes up."_

_The blonde gave him a sparkling smile, grateful that he understood her reasoning and wasn't offended at all. She should have known he'd understand considering how wonderful he was with her son. He'd never want to do anything that would leave the boy confused or upset._

_Without another word she pulled him inside, locked the door and led him to her room._

The blush on Haley's cheeks let Nathan know exactly what she was remembering.

"I'm so glad you did. It was amazing Hales; you were amazing. I'll remember that night for the rest of my life.

"Yeah, it was pretty great, wasn't it?"

Nathan rolled over on top of her, careful not put any pressure on her stomach. "How about we try to top it tonight?"

She took in a quick breath as he rubbed the evidence of his arousal against her. She'd hoped to talk to him tonight, but couldn't bear to bring up their problems when he seemed to have put them aside for the evening. She wanted to make him happy, and this would definitely do it… not to mention she couldn't think of anything she'd rather do right then than make love to him.

"I say we give it a go. It may take a few attempts, but I'm sure we can manage it." Her response was less playful and more breathless than she'd anticipated. With Nathan poised above her, his eyes glazed over with lust, it was hard to think.

"Oh, I know we can."


	7. Revelations

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 7 – Revelations**

**A/N: Okay... so I hope nobody died of shock! I know it's only been a week since I last updated but I've had an urge to work through the current part of this fic so we can all get to the nitty gritty of the story.**

**Thanks again to my girlies Bec and Dawn for their support and especially to Bec who stayed up until 1am with me to beta this chapter lol. You're a legend babe!**

** Thanks to all the people who have been reviewing. Your comments really do mean the world to me so please keep them coming. I hope you enjoy this chapter.  
**

* * *

"I swear to God, Hales, if our kid turns out like that we're giving it up for adoption." Nathan scowled as he felt yet another kick in the back of his seat. 

Haley giggled from her seat next to him, placing her hand over his on the armrest and lacing their fingers in an attempt to soothe him. This was turning out to be the flight from hell and they still had over an hour until they touched down. She really shouldn't be laughing considering he'd swapped seats with her half an hour after take off when she herself was being driven nuts by the devil child in the seat behind her.

"Well, I was a perfect angel as a kid so we're safe on my side… what were you like?" Haley suppressed another giggle as he grimaced, obviously remembering how much of a terror he'd been a child.

"Let's just hope she takes after you, babe."

"She?" Haley questioned with a furrowed brow.

Nathan blushed, a little embarrassed by his slip up. He had found that the more he thought about their baby, the more he was convinced that they were having a daughter. He felt foolish for already imagining their baby girl when he obviously had nothing to back this theory up except for a gut feeling.

"I don't know… I kinda feel like she's a girl."

Haley smiled widely, unable to suppress visions of what their daughter would look like; she'd have Nathan's dark hair and blue eyes, with her wide mouth and curls… she'd be beautiful.

Nathan lost himself in her eyes as she gazed at him with a warmth that enveloped him and made him feel completely loved. He looked down at their clasped hands as she moved them to rest on her belly, his skin tingling as the palm of his hand made contact with her soft skin that peeked through the gap between her skirt and tank top. When he returned his eyes to her face, she was still smiling at him softly and he couldn't help but lean across the armrest between them and take her lips in a tender loving kiss.

Haley sighed against his lips, their familiar caress warming her heart…and her loins. She'd never been so horny in all her life, not even during her first pregnancy… but there again, she hadn't had Nathan's lovemaking to look forward to then either. She knew she startled him when she slipped her tongue into his mouth, caressing his own with a longing that expressed exactly how she was feeling; how much she wanted him. She'd never been one for public displays of affection, especially not in the confined cabin of an aircraft, but her hormones were in overdrive and modesty be damned!

"What the…?" Nathan growled as he jolted forward in his seat, his mouth torn from Haley's abruptly. He turned slowly to find the young boy smirking at him challengingly… daring him to say something. The child was traveling alone, occasionally checked upon by one of the airline staff, and by all accounts seemed accustomed to his surroundings. Probably a spoilt little rich kid shipped between parents, his every whim indulged. His anger soon turned to pity, and as though the boy picked up on this, his smirk became a scowl, kicking the seat once more for good measure before picking up his portable video game and ignoring Nathan completely.

"I'm going to the bathroom babe. I need to stretch my legs." Placing a soft kiss on her forehead he shifted out of his seat and began to make his way down the aisle.

Haley rested her head back against the seat and sighed with frustration as her newly sensitive breasts ached with need and she felt the fire between her thighs which had well and truly been lit. Closing her eyes tightly she tried to focus on anything other than the memory of her boyfriends skilled mouth and hands exploring her body the night before.

Nathan splashed cool water on his face and took a deep breath to calm himself. They'd gotten carried away out there and he was going to have to try hard to ignore the jolt of desire he felt whenever she was near… because lately they'd been falling into bed whenever possible and they had a long wait before they landed and reached their hotel.

Flicking the lock on the door, Nathan took one step out of the bathroom before he found himself looking into familiar lust filled eyes and felt himself being pushed backwards into the cubicle. He tried to speak, but was quickly cut off by Haley's mouth attacking his, her tongue making a forceful entrance and dueling with his own. He couldn't believe that she was doing this… initiating sex in a public place.

"God, I need you Nathan. I can't wait until we get to the hotel."

"Are you sure babe? Anyone could have seen you come in here."

"No. The coast was clear… and I don't care anyway. I need you to fuck me, now."

"Oooh. Dirty talk! I like it." Nathan wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively and she laughed flipping them around so that her back was against the small sink. Nathan proceeded to lift her up so that she sat on the sink, albeit awkwardly and used one leg to steady herself against the wall. The new position afforded Nathan a clear few of her lace panties and he groaned at the sight, his dick twitching in appreciation.

Haley leaned forward, her fingers curling through the belt loops of his jeans so she could pull him closer. Her movements were frantic and desperate, the need to feel him inside her shockingly overwhelming. Within moments Nathan's jeans and boxers had fallen to his ankles and her small hands ran up and down the erect shaft before her, eliciting strained moans from his throat as he tried not to draw attention to their activities.

"Ok, you need to stop that or this will be over waaay too soon." Nathan's ragged plea had Haley reluctantly releasing her grasp on him and instead pulling his head down to meet her in a fiery kiss.

Nathan pushed aside the scrap of lace placing himself at her entrance and felt her hips buck a little, not too subtly showing him what she wanted. She kept one leg propped against the wall for support while the other snaked around his hip, pulling him closer and ultimately bringing him into her body. She gasped with delight at the sensation, her muscles instantly contracting around him; pulling him further inside her warm passage. He stilled for a moment, looking into her eyes before he began thrusting at a steady pace, neither wanting to take their time, both knowing that this coupling had to be quick for fear of being caught.

"Harder" Her breathy instruction turning him on even more. He loved that she told him exactly what she wanted; exactly how to please her.

He complied, ever mindful of her delicate condition, but increased his thrusts, the small area filled with the primal sounds of their heavy breathing and flesh meeting flesh in the ultimate act of love.

Within a few minutes he felt the telltale tingle at the base of his spine and knew he was close. He brought a hand between them, teasing her swollen bud and could see that she wasn't far behind him.

"Oh God. I'm gonna come, baby. I'm so close."

Nathan watched her in awe; she looked like a Goddess with her head thrown back, the pale skin along the column of her graceful neck glistening with a slight sheen of sweat, and he knew he had to taste her. He bent forward, his dark hair contrasting with her silky golden locks, and maintaining their rhythm he placed his soft lips just below her jaw, on a spot he knew drove her wild, and suckled gently.

Haley couldn't hold herself back any longer and shattered in his arms, gasping for breath as wave after wave of ecstasy washed over her. She bit her bottom lip to stop from crying out and once she felt she had control of herself again, she clenched herself around his cock, sheathing him; milking him until he could take it no longer and came deep within her, a strangled moan barely escaping his lips.

"So I guess I'm part of the 'Mile High Club' now?" Haley laughed as he peppered her face with kisses.

"Hey, it was my initiation into that club too, Hales. A definite first for me."

Her smile widened at his comment. She knew he had a pretty colorful past, especially when it came to women, so to know that he'd experienced something like this for the first time with her; well, it was special.

Haley blushed wildly as she fixed herself up after Nathan had snuck out of the cubicle and returned to their seats. It was still hard to believe that it was she who had made love with Nathan in a club and now in an airplane toilet. Whatever would her mother say? Well… this would definitely not be something she would reveal to her mother when she saw her later tonight. There were already enough secrets between her and her family… what's another, right? She grimaced as she thought about seeing her parents again after all this time. Relations were strained and now she would be showing up with her new boyfriend in tow and a baby on the way. Oh, well. This was for Taylor, and there was no way Haley would ever miss her sister's wedding, not after everything she'd done for her. She'd just have to deal with her parents and anything they threw at her.

Haley returned to her seat, avoiding any possible eye contact with anyone else on board the aircraft. She was pretty certain that no one had seen her enter the cubicle, but she just couldn't bring herself to look around and possibly find at least one knowing smirk directed her way…. And then she looked at her boyfriend, said knowing smirk plastered on his face. Her blush grew deeper as she quickly slid past him and into her seat, looking out the window in order to hide her embarrassment.

She knew he knew exactly what she was feeling, but rather than tease her further, he simply took hold of her hand and rubbed soft circles against her skin. The feeling was heavenly and she felt herself relax almost immediately. Before long her breathing had evened out and Nathan smiled at her sleeping form. He took off his sweater and balled it up, placing it between her head and window hoping to make her more comfortable.

"No way! That's so cool!"

The loud exclamation caused Haley to wake up with a start, jolting upright, her hair falling in front of her face, and it took a few moments for her to get her bearings. It was the strangest feeling to wake up and see clouds below you! She turned to her right expecting to see Nathan in the seat beside her, but found the seat decidedly empty. Her brow furrowed, wondering where he was. She couldn't have been asleep for more than half an hour if they were still in the air.

"That's it. Just hold it down that second longer and you'll get much more power in the jump."

She turned around at the sound of her boyfriend's voice and was astonished to find him huddled together with the devil child he'd wanted to strangle earlier, both of them sporting adorable looks of absolute concentration on their faces as the young boy played his video game.

A smile lit her face as she watched Nathan with the boy. He was just so good with kids. It was undeniable. No one would believe that this was the same child that had taunted, snickered and glared at Nathan less than an hour ago. As much as her heart was warmed by the sight, it also broke a little to think that this was how things used to be for Nathan and JJ… now her son would barely acknowledge his presence. They were going to have a serious chat with him when they returned home.

* * *

Haley fidgeted nervously as she sat in the back of the cab with Nathan on the way to her parent's home from the hotel. She'd managed to push her worries about seeing them again to the back of her mind since they'd arrived yesterday, but now she was basically freaking out. She hadn't had more than a few short conversations with her mother over the phone in the past year… and it had been over three years since she'd actually seen either of them. They'd never been to Tree Hill, something she was glad for, and she avoided going home whenever possible. Her past was her past and she preferred it to stay that way. 

"Relax. Shouldn't I be the nervous one here?"

Haley offered a weak smile, knowing that Nathan meant well, but he didn't know the full story behind her semi-estrangement from her family… her fault of course, because giving him the full details would involve information about her split with her ex-husband… something she'd been putting off telling him for far too long now.

Her parent's were too polite to bring it up while in front of company, so she was certain nothing would be said in front of Nathan, otherwise she would have forced herself to speak with him about it first… or been a coward and not come home at all.

Pulling up in front of the James' family home, Nathan paid the driver and then took Haley's hand in his, trying to reassure her on the short walk to the front door. He had no idea why she was so edgy. He knew she didn't have the best relationship with her parents, but they only had to get through this dinner and then the wedding tomorrow, before they could go back to Tree Hill and forget all about them.

They may not be a constant part of her life, but Nathan wanted to make a good impression on her parents, knowing that one day, hopefully in the not too distant future, he would marry their daughter and then they would be his family.

* * *

"So, Nathan? What is that you do?" Mr Johnson's voice was friendly enough but Haley could see the challenging look and hint of disdain in his eyes. 

It had been like this since the moment they'd arrived. She and Nathan had already been feeling overwhelmed about his introduction to her parents, especially since they had to break the news of her pregnancy. They soon found that the night was only going to get worse as they discovered that her ex-husband's parents were joining them for dinner.

There was no way Haley would announce her pregnancy with the Johnson's present. That would have been more than uncomfortable and she was glad for her decision now. They had always seemed like the loveliest people growing up but had shown themselves to have quite a vindictive streak this evening, taking every opportunity to pull Nathan down in an obvious attempt to demonstrate that she had been much better off when married to their son.

"I work at the High School in Tree Hill"

Her boyfriend's easy smile may have fooled the rest of the dinner guests, but she could practically feel the tension radiating from him. Her hand slipped unseen under the table to grasp his reassuringly.

"Oh, so what subjects do you teach?"

"Actually, I'm the basketball coach." Nathan could practically see the satisfied smirk the man was hiding behind his fake smile. It had been clear since they arrived that Nathan was being judged and compared to their son to see how he measured up.

"Really? Surely that's only a part time position."

"Well, we take our basketball very seriously back home. Some of these kids are in with a real chance of being recruited by the top Colleges, so it definitely keeps me busy."

"Played ball in school did you Nathan?"

"Yes I did. I love the game. My brother Luke and I lived for it back in school."

"Hey now. Your brother's not Lucas Scott of the LA Lakers is he?"

"The one and only" Nathan gritted out, knowing that he would once again be compared to his brother who had 'made it' in the elite sporting field, while he was simply a high school basketball coach.

"It must be hard for you. I'm sure you get compared to him all the time, especially if you both loved the game so much, and he ended up in the NBA and you…" Nathan could see that Jimmy James was trying to make an effort, but managing to make things worse. He sent Nathan an apologetic smile.

Haley had assured her boyfriend that her father would take a liking to him, but as had been the norm for their entire marriage, Jimmy would meekly base his behavior on his wife's expectations. Nathan genuinely liked the man, but even from this one meeting, he could see why Haley had always been so frustrated by her father's lack of backbone when it came to his wife.

"Well, you know what they say… 'Those who can't do, teach'" Mr Johnson's barbed words could in no way be taken as anything but an insult, and everyone around the table looked uncomfortable, even Mrs Johnson who had been no more than coolly polite to either of them all afternoon.

Haley knew Nathan didn't feel the need to justify himself to anyone here, but she was proud of the man he was; proud of him for everything he'd achieved… and sacrificed along the way.

"Actually, Nathan's a great player. He was offered a scholarship to Duke but a family situation arose and he had to turn it down. Luke took the scholarship instead." She looked at Nathan and smiled lovingly. "I think it was meant to be. Nathan may be an amazing player, but he's also an incredible coach and he's making a difference to the lives of every boy he coaches… and that's more special than anything money or fame can bring."

Nathan gripped her hand tighter while giving her a thankful smile. He loved how much she believed in him and appreciated who he was instead of what he had been in the past… or could have been if circumstances were different. She loved him no matter what and that was something he wasn't used to; something he would be eternally grateful for.

Thankfully Haley seemed to have put Mr Johnson in his place, making it clear that she was not only completely in love with Nathan, but that she was extremely proud of him. The rest of the dinner was quite reserved with the young couple managing to politely stay out of the conversation until it was time for the other guests to leave.

"Well, that wasn't awkward at all." Haley whispered to Nathan as he hugged her tight while her parents bid the Johnson's a good night.

He chuckled and the delightful sound made her smile. She lifted her head and kissed him softly, silently thanking him for handling the situation so well.

They were soon interrupted by the sound of Lydia deliberately clearing her throat and reluctantly turned to face her. "Was that little outburst really necessary, Haley? After everything you've put them through with Mitchell."

"Oh, because Mitch is just perfect isn't he mom? He can do no wrong!"

Lydia sighed impatiently. "I'm not having this discussion with you Haley. And you'd better be on your best behavior with him tomorrow. If you embarrass us in front everyone… so help me God."

Nathan felt Haley tense in beside him and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her body closer to his in a show of support. He had no idea what was going on between the two women, but he really didn't like it. He also couldn't believe that her ex-husband would be at the wedding and no one had told her.

"He's going to be there… at the wedding?" Her strangled voice gave no doubt that she was upset by the prospect. "Taylor never said anything."

"Taylor didn't know. I'm in charge of the final guest list and when I heard he was going to be in town, I invited him. I could hardly do anything else, could I? We've known that boy since he was born."

"And you gave birth to _me_! I'm your daughter in case you've forgotten; surely you realized how difficult it would be for me seeing him there." The thought horrified her. She hadn't laid eyes on her ex-husband since the night he'd left her… and she had hoped she'd never have to see him again.

"Well you can't blame me for anything that's happened. I warned you not to get married so young, Haley but you wouldn't listen. Then you went and fell pregnant before college! After all that, when the going got tough you turned away from your husband, rather than leaned on him for support. So don't look at me like that. It's just one day. If you can't live with your mistakes, then maybe you should take a look at the decisions you've made."

"Yes, I got married young. I know now that it was a mistake. I was in love with a boy and unfortunately he grew into a man I could no longer recognize, let alone love."

"You both had such bright futures but you were adamant about keeping that baby. You not only sentenced yourself to a lifetime of 'what ifs' and 'what could have been's', but Mitch too. He was saddled with a baby at eighteen because it's what you wanted and then you cast him aside when you should have accepted his support!"

"That's enough, Lydia." Jimmy's intervention surprised everyone, most of all, his wife, whose jaw dropped at the reprimand.

If Lydia James had been a man, Nathan would have knocked her out. His mother had been so loving and supportive of him that he found it difficult to watch Haley being spoken to this way. How anyone could not see just how amazing she is, especially her own mother, astounded him.

"Your grandson may have been a 'mistake' in your eyes mom, but he'll never be one in mine. It doesn't matter. He's always been better off without you in his life," Haley reached for Nathan's hand and placed it over her stomach, the action shifting her blouse so that her small baby bump was now visible to them for the first time, causing a look of shock to appear on her parents faces, both having thought she could never again conceive, "and so will our baby."

A tear slid down her cheek with the realization that her children would never have supportive Grandparents that would love them and want to be a part of their lives. She could at least console herself with the knowledge that at least they have Karen, who is a much better person than her mother could ever hope to be.

Back at the hotel, Haley lay on the large bed trying not to cry as she thought about everything her mother had said to her. Even if she knew the truth surrounding her daughter's divorce, it wouldn't make a difference. It seemed that Haley could do no right in her mother's eyes. Knowing how much she loved JJ and her unborn child, Haley couldn't understand why her mother had so much trouble accepting and loving her.

She heard the shower stop running in the en suite and knew that now was the time; she had to be honest with Nathan about her past. She'd avoided it for too long not wanting to dredge up painful memories for him, but she just couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She loved this man and wanted to spend the rest of her life loving him… so she had to fill him in on an import part of her past that she'd kept to herself.

Nathan finished towel drying his hair as he left the bathroom and frowned as he saw Haley looking at him hesitantly from the bed. She was obviously worried, chewing on her bottom lip and there was an odd look in here eyes… he almost could have sworn it was fear. Not fear in the physical sense, but she was afraid of something and it concerned him.

"Hales, what's wrong?"

"Nathan, we need to talk."

"Okay." He took a seat beside her on the bed and twisted towards her so that he could watch her carefully. He took hold of her hand, lacing his fingers with hers in a gesture of reassurance and encouragement.

"It's about everything that happened between Mitchell and me. There's sort of some stuff that I've left out."

Nathan sighed half with relief that he was going to get some answers to a few questions he had formed during the course of the evening, and half with worry that he probably wasn't going to like what he was about to hear. "I figured as much from some of the things your mother said tonight."

"Yeah, well as you probably gathered, everyone thinks that I left Mitchell, not the other way around. That's what he told them... and I... I guess at the time I didn't care enough to correct him."

"Well, what did happen?" Nathan was trying his hardest to give her time, but he really wanted to know what had gotten her so worked up. It was hard to press her for answers without sounding as if he thought she'd lied to him.

She looked up at him quickly, her eyes wide with concern. "Oh. It happened like I said, Nathan. Mitchell wanted out of our marriage; our family for a long time and he was the one to walk away, not me… but it wasn't just because he couldn't handle being tied down with a wife and child."

Her resolve not to cry finally broke as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. She cried for how she and JJ had been abandoned… and for how hurt Nathan would be that she'd kept this from him.

"Why did he leave, Hales?"

"There were already so many pressures with us being married so young even though everyone told us to wait, and then having JJ unexpectedly… and then I got sick… he just couldn't handle it. He told me that his life wasn't supposed to be like that and he needed to get out."

Nathan's blood ran cold at the mention of Haley being sick. The thought of anything happening to her was enough to send his head spinning. "What do you mean, 'you got sick'? What was wrong with you?"

Haley looked into his eyes, her bottom lip trembling as she struggled not to cry. This was going to hurt him and bring back so many painful feelings he'd tried so hard to suppress. "I had cancer, Nathan."

He dropped her hand as though it burned; the impact of her words hitting him like a ton of bricks. That evil word 'cancer' was something he still couldn't stomach hearing; the memories of his mother's illness and having to watch her waste away before his eyes, striking him with brute force.

How could she have kept this from him? This of all things was something that she should have discussed with him; been honest about. A myriad of emotions coursed through him ranging from hurt and anger that she'd kept the truth from him, to relief that she'd been luckier than his mother and survived. He could see she was waiting for him to say something… anything, but he couldn't. He'd only say something he'd regret.

"Nathan?" She released a shuddering breath as she saw his eyes glaze over, a blank stare replacing the look of anguish that had been present just moments earlier. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I didn't want to hurt you. I know how painful it is for you to be reminded about your mother's illness… and… it just never seemed like the right time."

"We've got a big day tomorrow. Let's just get some sleep." His monotone voice worried her more than any outburst he could have had. She knew he had a tendency to hold things inside rather than deal with his feelings and she couldn't stand the thought of her being the cause of just one more painful thing he had to struggle with.

"Nathan? Can we please talk about this?" Her breathless plea was ignored as he walked around to the other side of the bed, pulling back the covers before sliding underneath the sheets.

"Good night, Haley."


	8. Confrontations

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 8 – Confrontations**

**A/N: _So another chapter in just over a week... freaky, I know! We're getting close the main crux of this story and I'm very excited about it. Thanks for hanging in there for the build up. I really appreciate all of your support and especially your reviews which make me smile each and evry time._**

**_Thank you to Bec for beta-ing. You and Dawn have helped me so much with this story lately. Also, thank you to Kris for being so supportive and always looking forward to the next update._**

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Nathan woke from his restless sleep when he found his girlfriend's side of the bed empty as he tried to pull her body to his, just as he did each and every night. He had become so accustomed to sleeping with her curled into him, that he was now finding it was almost impossible without her.

The mattress was cool indicating she'd slipped from their bed quite some time ago and that prompted him to remember all the events from the previous day. How on earth could things have gone downhill so quickly? They'd made love in an airplane bathroom because they'd needed each other so desperately and then somehow ended up at the point where he'd turned away from her and she couldn't even share a bed with him.

Sure, he was hurt and disappointed by her keeping such a large secret from him… and devastated by the thought of what could have happened to her, but it was ridiculous for them to be this way. They had enough to deal with, without turning on each other. He threw off the covers and made his way to the other room in their suite which held a small lounge and entertainment area.

He leant against the doorway taking in the sight of her. She was facing away from him, huddled into the corner of the couch with a blanket wrapped loosely around her petite frame. He wondered for a moment if she was sleeping in that semi-upright position, but soon noticed the small movement of her shoulders. It didn't take long to realize that she was crying. A flood of guilt washed over him at the thought that he was the cause of those tears. Hadn't last night shown him how much this gutsy young woman had been through with her parents, her ex-husband and then to battle cancer on top of all of that; to battle cancer alone with a two year old because her husband was a miserable coward who couldn't take the pressure? God, but he wanted to wring Mitchell Johnson's neck!

"Hales"

She whipped her head around at the sound of her boyfriend's voice, startled to find she was no longer alone. Brushing furiously at the tears that left tracks along her cheeks, she looked away from him embarrassed to be found in such a state when it was he who had been wronged, not her. She'd known for months and months that she should have told him, but she hadn't. He had a right to be upset; she just hoped that he'd at least try to see why she had taken so long to tell him.

"Hi" Even if Nathan hadn't seen her tears, it was impossible from the broken throaty tone in her voice not to know she had been crying. Hesitantly looking up at him she saw his face crumple with concern as he moved to sit beside her on the sofa, sweeping her up and onto his lap and tucking her head beneath his chin as his arms engulfed her.

"Shhh… don't cry baby." He stroked her silky locks, so angry with himself for doing this to her, especially when she should be avoiding any kind of stress with the baby.

"I'm so sorry Nathan." She choked the words out between sobs, her arms wrapping around him tightly, clinging to him like a life preserver.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted that way. We do have to talk about this, but now isn't the time. I'm not ready yet and we have a big day tomorrow which is going to be really difficult for you, so let's just leave it until we get home okay?"

The blonde pulled back from and nodded in agreement. Even though she hated leaving things up in the air, she would respect his wishes. Pulling her lower lip between her teeth she looked up at him anxiously. "Um… I can sleep out here tonight if you want me to…"

"Oh, Hales. I don't want that at all." He sighed, pressing his eyelids tight, trying to find the right words. "I love you Haley. I'm in this for the long haul… and that means that there are going to be times when I'm mad or upset with you, but don't ever doubt how much I love you and want you with me. I'm sorry I made you doubt that."

She let out a sigh of relief and gave him a watery smile. "I love you too."

Nathan brushed away her remaining tears and leaned down to kiss her softly. She stood up, placing the blanket on the back of the sofa and took his outstretched hand, allowing him to lead her back to bed. Once under the covers she buried her face into the crook of his neck as he pulled her tight against him. A weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She knew they had a lot to talk about; knew that their problems were nowhere near resolved, but she also knew he meant what he'd said. He loved her and nothing was going to come between them.

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"You look stunning" Haley produced her first real smile for the day as she watched her sister take a final look in the mirror before she got ready to walk down the aisle. Being so far away it hadn't been practical for Haley to be part of the bridal party, but Taylor had sent her maid of honour to fetch her sister before the ceremony got underway.

"Thank you Bub." Taylor looked as though she were about to cry some tears of joy and Haley found herself unable to remember the last time her sister had looked so happy. "I can't believe I'm getting married!"

"Rick's a great guy. It's nice to see you with someone who actually deserves you Tay."

"Yeah, he is pretty great, isn't he?" Snapping out her reverie, Taylor looked her younger sister up and down thoroughly. "You are looking way too hot for a pregnant woman! I'm surprised you and Nathan even made it out of your hotel room."

Haley's smile faltered slightly thinking about the night before and the still unresolved issues between herself and her boyfriend, but she quickly recovered. This was her sister's special day and there was no way she would do anything to put a damper on it.

The bride to be noticed her sister's slip and it reminded her of one of the reasons she'd wanted to speak to Haley before the ceremony. "Haley, I had no idea that mum had added Mitchell to the guest list. I just found out earlier."

Haley waved away her sister's concern and put on her most believable smile. "Don't worry about it Tay. We probably won't even have to speak to each other… it's all over and done with. I've got Nathan here with me and I'm not going to let Mitch bother me. You just concentrate on having an amazing time."

The elder sister smiled cautiously, knowing that it was a lie, but she was about to be married and there really wasn't much she could do about the problem immediately. "Well, you just say the word and I'll organize for him to leave." Haley was about to protest, but Taylor stopped her "And if it gets too much and you feel like _you_ need to leave, then just go Bub. I don't care if mum thinks it's rude, I only care about you, okay?"

Haley nodded and hugged her sister warmly. She would never have gotten through the whole divorce mess if it wasn't for Taylor and even now on her wedding day, her big sis was still thinking of her.

"Thanks Tay, but I'll be fine. Now let's go get you married."

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"How far along are you?"

Haley startled, turning to find an attractive young woman smiling at her warmly whilst holding a tiny baby in her arms, the infant's small fingers grasping tightly to the blue blanket in which it was cocooned.

"Oh, um… four months." Haley returned the smile, her hand subconsciously rubbing her small baby bump. "How old is this gorgeous little guy?"

The woman flashed a proud smile, one Haley recognized from her own days as a new mother. "Caleb is seven weeks today. I still can't believe how quickly he's growing. My husband and I keep saying he grows another inch every time we look away."

Haley stroked the boy's cheek astonished by the memories that rushed in; memories of JJ as a baby. "Get used to it. One day you're changing their diapers and the next you're dropping them off for their first day of school."

"So this won't be your first?"

Haley shook her head. "No. I have an eight year old son."

"You didn't bring him with you?"

"No. We're only here for two nights so it was a lot of organization plus a long flight for him, so we decided to leave him with a friend for the weekend."

If only that were all there was to it. Even before she'd known that Mitchell would be at the wedding, she'd known that his parents would be attending and wanted to avoid that little reunion and then there were the issues between her son and her boyfriend. There was no way she'd be giving her mother any more ammunition than she already had. No, it was definitely best to have Karen watch JJ for the weekend.

"It's easy to see you're experienced at this stuff. I'm still going through the phase where I can't let him out of my sight." She chuckled, shaking her head. "I was a mess all during the pregnancy, terrified I'd not know what to do… but luckily my husband was there to calm me down."

"Yeah, it's really nice to have support."

"I assume that your husband is the handsome one over there by the bar who can't stop looking at you." The other woman teased her with a knowing smile.

Haley turned slightly to look over her shoulder and found Nathan smiling at her warmly. She grinned at him when she noticed that her father appeared to be talking his ear off. Her mother may not approve of her choice of partner, but it was obvious by looking at them that Jimmy James seemed to think highly of Nathan. He must if he was willing to cop a lecture from Lydia later on about fraternizing with the 'enemy'.

Nathan winked at her seeing how pleased she was that he and her father were getting along. Jimmy had actually surprised him today, showing a lot more backbone than he gave him credit for the night before. The poor guy must know that his wife was going to tear him a new one when they got home; the evil glares she'd been sending their way were very telling.

Haley turned back to the woman and child before her, once again smiling as the memories of her son as a baby came to mind.

"We're not married, but he is my boyfriend… so he'd better be staring at me and no one else or he's in big trouble."

The other woman chuckled causing Caleb to stir slightly emitting a soft gurgle. Noticing Haley looking wistfully at her son, she asked softly. "Would you like to hold to him?"

The smile that lit up Haley's face was answer enough. As little Caleb was placed in her arms, she realized that this was the first time she'd held a baby in six years without feeling like her world was caving in. For so long she'd thought she would never fall pregnant again and even looking at a baby was painful… now she simply cherished the moment knowing she would be doing this with her own child soon enough.

Nathan continued to watch his girlfriend as he listened to Jimmy tell another story about Haley's childhood, both pride and affection obvious from his tone. He'd been so tense and confused about his feelings earlier but after watching the ceremony, which had evoked thoughts of what it would be like to have Haley walking towards him donning her own white gown, he felt the disturbing feelings that clung to him fade. She looked absolutely stunning in her little black dress which showed off her ample bosom tastefully, while hugging her curves, making it obvious to all that she was with child. Just the thought made his heart skip a beat. He really couldn't wait to be a dad. How could his heart not leap at the sight before him; a sight he would cherish over the coming months.

"Oh shit."

Nathan's brow furrowed as he turned towards Jimmy, wondering what was the cause of this muttered curse. He seemed to be looking over at Haley and Nathan looked back to find Haley holding a baby and still chatting with another guest; nothing that would obviously cause concern.

Haley rocked the young baby in her arms while listening to his mother talk about how well behaved he was, sleeping through the night already and rarely crying. It seemed that even if Caleb had been a handful, his father would be there ready to step up and help out in any way he could. She smiled knowing that Nathan was going to be the same way. He'd been nothing but supportive since they'd discovered she was pregnant and he made no secret of the fact that he was thrilled about becoming a dad.

"Haley?"

Her heart stopped; the blood in her veins running cold at the sound of that oh so familiar voice from her past. She looked up slowly, unsure if she could actually handle seeing him after all of these years. He smiled at her hesitantly and the gesture infuriated her, her expression transforming from wide eyed shock to one full of angry disdain. The infant must have picked up on the shift in the atmosphere because he began to cry softly, his chubby little arms and legs flailing until Haley deposited him back into his mother's arms.

She was frozen, unable to move even though every instinct within her was warning her to run; run before she caused a scene that would embarrass her sister and give her mother something else to hold against her.

Jimmy's eyes narrowed slightly on the young man who had approached his daughter. Lydia may think the sun shone out of her ex son-in-law's backside, but he had always suspected that Mitchell had more of a part to play in the break up of his and Haley's marriage; the Golden Boy simply too cowardly to face up to his part in it and therefore laying all the blame at his daughter's feet.

He felt Nathan tense beside him and knew immediately that he had figured out that it was Mitchell Johnson now talking with Haley. It would be hard to miss how uncomfortable the situation was, especially with Mitch shuffling his feel and Haley standing ram-rod straight; the chill coming off her, palpable.

"This is Haley?" The other woman asked, her voice shaking a little, showing just how shocked she was along with the fact that her eyes were wide with disbelief.

Haley's attention snapped back to the gorgeous brunette before her as a sinking feeling started to form in the pit of her stomach. She knew before he even uttered the words; they simply added insult to injury.

"Yes, honey. This is Haley." Mitchell turned back to his ex-wife. "Haley, this is my wife Darla, and my son Caleb."

She could almost taste the bile in her throat. She'd just gotten herself prepared to face him again and now she finds that he has remarried and made himself another family; a family that he obviously loved very much and doted on if 'perfect' Darla's previous accounts of her 'perfect' husband were to be believed. A pang of remorse hit her at the uncharitable thoughts, but she was pissed, damn it! Angry, hurt and utterly devastated that the man who had left claiming he couldn't be tied down by a wife and child, had managed to so easily build a new life with someone else. It played on every doubt and fear she'd had since he'd left her; was it her? Was she just not good enough?

Mitchell shifted uncomfortably; unnerved by the fact that Haley still hadn't uttered a single word. He knew that the meeting between them wouldn't be easy, but he had no idea how she'd react; this certainly wasn't what he'd been expecting.

"How have you been, Hales?"

She winced at his use of her nickname; a term of endearment that only those close to her used. Of course, there had been no one closer for most of her life. That being the reason why the break up of her marriage had been so difficult; not only did she lose her husband, and a father for Josh, but she lost her best friend of over fifteen years. She often thought that had been the most devastating part of the whole ordeal.

Her jaw had dropped in shock; shock at his audacity to enquire about her life after he'd so thoroughly removed himself from it when she'd needed him most. But the shock soon turned into something darker. She felt herself growing more and more angry, her hands clenching into fists as the rage swelled within her. How dare he? How dare he act so casually with her as though they were nothing more than old acquaintances? She wasn't one prone to violent urges, but the possibility of her punching him in the face was quite real.

She felt the majority of her tension slip away as Nathan's arms wrapped around her waist from behind, and she let herself lean back into him; taking comfort and drawing strength from his presence. He kissed her cheek softly before glancing up at Mitchell and Darla, then resting his chin on the top of her head.

"Hey baby. Why don't you introduce me?"

His voice was perfectly calm and may have appeared friendly to those who weren't privy to the awkward situation, but Haley could hear the edge to his words and knew that he was perfectly aware that it was Mitchell standing across from them. The other man picked up on it too and would have to have been blind not to see the hard glint in Nathan's eyes, contradicting the easy smile gracing his face.

She tried to speak, but her mouth was dry and she couldn't find the words, not even with Nathan by her side. Sensing her hesitation, Nathan simply stuck his hand out.

"I'm Nathan Scott," he paused for a moment before placing a kiss on the top of her head "Haley's fiancé."

He felt her tense in his arms for a moment, obviously confused by his statement. He wasn't too worried; she had a great poker face with most people, though he could read her like a book. The thought that perhaps Mitchell had been able to read her just as well at one time… and possibly still could, raced through his mind, bothering him to no end.

Nathan had no real desire to shake her ex's, but did so in order to keep up the outward pretense of a friendly meeting, even if he did manage to use a painfully tight grip, taking satisfaction as the other man grimaced in response. He felt slightly sorry for the woman standing next to him who looked like she'd rather be anywhere else but here in the middle of such an awkward scene.

After pulling back from Nathan, Mitchell put his arm around his wife's shoulders, drawing her and their son closer to him, and Haley wanted to gag at how perfect they looked.

"Mitchell Johnson," he introduced himself warily before pulling his wife in even closer "and this is my wife Darla and our son Caleb."

This time it was Haley who felt her boyfriend tense and knew he was both shocked and angry to find out about Mitchell's new family, just as she had been. Having been abandoned by his own father, Nathan had always struggled to hide his disgust at Mitchell not wanting to be a part of JJ's life, so hearing him talk about his new son was, not surprisingly, taking its toll on his temper.

"So how's JJ?"

It was obvious from the look on his face that Mitchell realized his mistake as soon as the words left his mouth. He winced slightly, and from the look of regret on Darla's face as she nervously bit her bottom lip, Haley knew that her ex-husband had obviously informed her of his other child… whether or not he told her the truth regarding his separation from his first wife and son, she highly doubted it.

Nathan tightened his grip around Haley's waist as he felt the fury brewing within her. It was one thing to put aside the hurt Mitchell caused her, but when it came to her son, she was like a tiger protecting her cub; she'd go for the jugular.

"You don't get to ask about him! You don't even get to think about him! Do you hear me?"

Quickly glancing around at the guests nearby who had all turned to look at the commotion, Mitchell sighed before turning back to his ex. "Yes. I think everybody heard you."

He'd tried for a casual joke to lighten the mood, but his flippancy only angered her further and before she could catch herself, her hand shot out to slap his face, the sound reverberating through the silence that had descended upon their general vicinity.

"Hales, c'mon let's just go baby."

Nathan began walking backwards, taking her with him as she was still encased in his arms. He completely understood her outburst but knew she'd never forgive herself for ruining her sister's wedding day.

"No." Nathan jerkily turned around at the command. "Mitchell, I think you need to leave."

Jimmy James' voice was firm, but soft, clearly leaving no room for argument, not that Mitchell or his wife looked to have any objection to leaving the reception early. He picked up their jackets which hung on the backs of their chairs, while she picked up Caleb's diaper bag before turning to Haley.

"I'm really sorry." The words held so many different meanings, but the sincerity in her voice shone through. Darla Johnson was a good person and it only made things harder for Haley who would prefer to just hate the other woman.

Haley caught Darla's eye as she adjusted her son in her arms. "You seem like a really nice person, and Caleb… he's a perfect little baby. Just be careful because there's no way of knowing how long he's going to stick around before 'It's all too much for him". Her words held no trace of bitterness or resentment, just a hint of warning offered from one woman who'd been hurt to another she hoped would be spared the same heartache.

As soon as the other couple left, Haley sagged against Nathan who had turned her in his arms so that her face was hidden in the crook of his neck. She wanted so badly just to cry and let out all of her pent up emotions, not just from this evening, but emotions she'd been holding inside for six long years.

After a few moments she looked up at her father, still surprised by his actions, and upon seeing his loving smile she left the comfort of her boyfriend's arms and fled into her father's; something she hadn't done since she was a teenager. It felt so good to be in her father's arms again. Things had been so strained between her and her parents since the divorce and for the first time she felt like her father wasn't disappointed in her. He'd never purposefully made her feel that way, but his refusal to stand up to his wife in defense of his daughter was just as hurtful as if he'd actively blamed her for everything that happened.

"Thank you Daddy."

Jimmy almost shed a tear as she called him 'Daddy' for the first time since before her marriage break up. He'd already known there was a void in his life; in his heart where his youngest daughter should have been, but until he saw her again the night before and then found out she was having his second Grandchild… he hadn't realized just how much he'd missed her. He'd missed out on time with her and on seeing his Grandson grow up, but no more. He would be having words with his wife about this situation, because it couldn't go on any longer.

"One day soon you're going to tell me what really happened back then sweetheart." His words were quiet, but their meaning was clear.

Haley pulled back to look at her father and this time she couldn't help the few tears that escaped and cascaded down her cheeks. She could see now that he didn't believe that she was solely to blame for the divorce; knew that there was more to the story than Mitchell had provided and wanted to hear her version of the events… and she would tell him when the time was right.

Kissing her forehead tenderly, Jimmy smiled before walking away to find his other daughter who now belonged to someone else… not that Taylor had been his little girl for a long, long time, he thought, chuckling to himself.

"You okay?" Nathan face was etched with concern as he gently rubbed his hands up and down her arms before gathering her hands in his, bringing them to his mouth to place a soft kiss on each palm.

Haley nodded her head and smiled. "Yeah."

"You ready to go back to the hotel?" When she nodded her head wearily, Nathan just wanted to do something to ease away the tension of the day for her. "I can run a bath for you and give you a massage before bed."

Shaking her head, Haley wrapped her arms around his neck and brought his lips down to hers. "I just want to you to hold me until I fall asleep."

He smiled and kissed her deeply. "Now that, I can do."


	9. Distance

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 9 – Distance**

**A/N: Thanks again for the fabulous feedback. Your comments are great, and along with some much needed inspiration, have really helped me keep up the more frequent updates. Thanks to Dawn (BabbleBaby) for all her help with this chapter and to all my girls who are always so supportive. **

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Jake winced as he heard his fiancé slamming yet another cupboard door. It had been one hell of an evening and he just hoped she wouldn't allow Haley and Nathan's issues to rile her up even further. He loved his friends dearly, but their problems were their own and they needed to sort them out in their own way. He watched her tense body radiating anger, but he could see the worry and frustration in her eyes as she sighed heavily. He smiled to himself as he thought about how typical it was for Brooke to want to help everyone.

"Babe, you need to relax okay? They're going to be fine… they just need some time to work a few things out."

She turned to glare at him. "How can he be treating her this way? She's the one who got cancer and had to fight for her life. She's the one whose husband walked out on her as soon as things got tough. So she didn't tell him right away? Big fucking deal. Nathan Scott is an immature asshole!"

Walking up behind her, Jake placed his hands on her shoulders and kneaded them gently, knowing it always helped to calm her down. He could tell it was working when she relaxed against him, her back moulding into his chest as her head lolled to the side, resting on his shoulder.

"Nathan's just a little shaken up right now Brooke. You weren't here when his mother was sick; you didn't see all the pain he went through. I wasn't even that close to the guy back then but it was impossible not to see it." He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tightly against him and tenderly kissed the top of her head. "Finding out that Haley had cancer was a huge, painful shock, and add to that the fact that she kept it from him… well he's just having trouble dealing with it all."

"And that's a reason to be acting so distant? God, he doesn't even have the balls to have it out with her. She's tried to get him to talk about it, but all he does is avoid the subject. It's bullshit!"

"It's just Nathan's way of dealing, babe. He might not be handling it the best way, but he does have some right to be upset about this. She kept a huge secret from him."

Brooke's eyes narrowed as she pulled herself from his embrace and stormed to the other side of the kitchen before turning to face him. She'd always been extremely protective of Haley since they became friends and it was no different now.

"Oh come on Brooke. I love Haley just as much as you do, but we both know it was wrong of her not to tell Nathan about all this earlier."

"I don't get you Jake. You say she kept some 'huge secret' from him like she was still married or had cheated on him. This is something from her past that doesn't affect their relationship. She was sick. She got ovarian cancer and she fought it while her husband left her, and she had to raise her two year old son on her own. God, it was his feelings that she was protecting, so stop acting like she was keeping some filthy secret from him!"

"I understand that Brooke, but relationships are supposed to be based on honesty, and she wasn't honest with him. You can't blame the guy for feeling a little betrayed… and wondering if she's keeping anything else from him."

"Just because you love someone and share your life with them doesn't mean that they automatically get the right to know everything about you.

"Why not? Isn't that what's it all about; sharing everything with the person you love?"

The intensity in Jake's voice startled her. She had no idea why he was getting so worked up when he had just been trying to placate her. "It is about sharing. But everyone has secrets in their past… or secret dreams and fantasies. You've got to have something for yourself sometimes, Jake."

Jake scoffed. "What? Like your secret little fantasy? Not that it's so secret anymore." He'd been stewing on Brooke's drunken admission from a few weeks ago. They'd been having a few drinks with Nathan, Haley, Luke and Taylor, discussing their lives in high school and the conversation eventually turned to the topic of what their teenaged selves had fantasized their lives to be like in the future.

Brooke stared at him in confusion. How had this argument turned around to the point that she was trying to get him to see reason and he was angry as hell... and what was he talking about?

"What? Jake, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the little fantasy you have about how you wish your life was now. You know, you a famous fashion designer, married to Luke – who just happens to be one of your models 'because he's just that hot'. How disappointed you must be with your mundane life here with me and Jenny." His words were filled both with hurt and spite.

Brooke continued to simply stare at him with shock and confusion. He'd never spoken to her this way before and it was extremely unsettling. "Jake." She whispered as tears formed in her eyes. His words hurt so much; it hurt that he thought he might not be enough for her, but it almost hurt worse that he didn't trust in how much she wanted to live her life with him and his daughter.

"I can't believe you're using that against me. We were talking about my fantasy when I was seventeen years old Jake. Luke is my friend and what we had was completely in the past. He's so far in my past that I'm not even going to go into that ridiculous accusation. As for my dream of being a fashion designer… yeah, I'd love to have a world renowned label. There's always been a part of me that's wanted that. But that dream has changed… evolved. I used to fantasize about travelling the world and being invited to exclusive parties, but now I just dream about that feeling I'd get when I know that other people appreciate my designs and want to wear my clothes. It's the feeling I get now when one of my designs gets commissioned."

She moved over to stand in front of him once again, his stance and facial expression softening at her words. "I love you and I love Jenny… and I really love the life I have with you guys. I want it forever. This family we've made together is my new dream."

Jake sighed, bowing his head in regret. These insecurities that had been building up within him were bound to start showing sooner or later… and it was almost a relief to have let them out, well part of them. He knew Brooke loved him and Jenny, and her reassurances warmed his heart… but he wasn't sure if they'd ever be enough to chase his doubts away.

"I'm sorry baby. I don't know why I said that." He avoided her eyes for a moment, hating that he was lying about his feelings… and that he'd lashed out at her because of them.

She stared into his big brown orbs with such intensity he felt as though she were trying to see into his soul. "You know how much I love you, right?"

Jake nodded his head, worried his voice might break if he tried to answer. He didn't have to, however, as Brooke's lips crashed into his. Their kiss was hungry and intense and filled with a need that both thrilled and shocked them.

Making their way into the bedroom, Jake snipped the lock behind him. Learning from experience, they'd discovered that there was always a chance that Jenny would forget to knock, and though barely used, the lock came in handy at times like these. Walking her backwards to the wall opposite his daughter's room, Jake removed Brooke's shirt and unclasped her bra in record time, leaving her in only a skirt and one of the gorgeous lacy thongs she always wore.

Brooke knew she needed to talk to him about the issue that was obviously bothering him, but as was the norm for them, as soon as the need for one another started, they couldn't control themselves. She'd been with a lot of men in her life, but no one had the power to completely consume her in the way Jake could. She fumbled with his belt and buttons before his jeans slid down his legs to pool at his feet. She pushed down his boxers before taking his hardened length in her hand, smiling with satisfaction at the hiss that escaped his lips, and stepped out of her skirt which had been unfastened and fallen to the floor.

She pulled him to her, capturing his lips once again, their tongues exploring; performing a sensual dance that served to excite and arouse. She could feel his shirt against her bare breasts and quickly tugged at the hem before he raised his arms for her to remove the offending garment. She needed to feel his skin against hers… almost as much as she needed to feel him inside her.

Jake gazed in to her eyes and found an intense look love and need swirling in her chocolate pools that were now clouded over with lust. He loved her like this; loved feeling so desired and needed by the woman who had become such a vital part of his world. It was times like this he could forget all of his fears and know that she loved him as much as he loved her.

Raising her up and against the wall, Jake kissed her soundly as she wrapped her legs around him and he entered her with one powerful thrust. He stilled within her, revelling in the sensation of being joined so intimately with the one he loved. She broke their kiss to look into his eyes silently willing him to understand just how much she needed him; loved him… would do anything for him.

Gradually he began to move again, his thrusts slow at first as they continued to watch each other intently. As they came closer and closer to completion, their lovemaking although quiet, grew more frenzied.

Brooke smiled each time she felt herself pushed further into the wall, his body crushing hers. He was never usually this rough unless they had the house to themselves and it turned her on even more to know that he was having trouble controlling himself; that he needed her so desperately.

He was so close and when he removed his lips from her throat and found her staring at him with a sexy loving smile on her face he almost lost it. He watched her eyes close, her mouth forming a perfect 'O' as she clenched around him, her body convulsing in his arms. This time the sight was just too much and his own orgasm crashed over him; white light flashed behind his eyes as he came so violently he stumbled backwards, both of them falling onto the bed.

Brooke couldn't move; had no desire to as she lay replete, draped over her fiancé, thoroughly satisfied and completely worn out. His arms tightened around her as he kissed her shoulder, neck and cheek as though he couldn't stop touching her. She turned her head to meet his lips in a lazy kiss.

"Oh my God, Jake. That was…"

He chuckled, the vibrations moving through her and causing her to squirm above him.

"Keep moving like that and we'll have to go for round two."

"You can't be serious." Brooke laughed as she manoeuvred herself into a sitting position, straddling his waist and consequently feeling him harden within her. "You are serious."

"You should know by know that I can never get enough of you Brooke Davis."

Jake didn't fail to notice Brooke's smile falter slightly as she looked away. He propped himself up on his elbows before sitting up so that he could see her clearly.

"Baby, what's wrong? Did I say something…?"

Brooke took a deep breath and turned to face him with a sad smile. "No, you didn't really. It's just that…"

"It's just what?" Jake asked with concern etched on his face. He didn't understand how the mood had changed so quickly. They had just shared an amazing experience and he was sure she'd be ready to do it all over again, and now she seemed upset.

"It's nothing. I was just wishing things could be this good for Nathan and Haley again." She wondered when she'd become so good at lying to Jake about her feelings.

Although not entirely convinced, Jake decided to let it go, settling them both back onto the bed and pulling a sheet across to cover them. He kissed the top of her head and smiled as she snuggled closer into him.

Brooke felt his breath evening out after a few minutes and although exhausted, she knew she wouldn't be sleeping any time soon. Not with the same question racing over and over through her head. Will I ever stop being Brooke Davis and become Brooke Jagielski?

* * *

Nathan felt her soft hand travelling slowly, teasingly along his spine and it was as though every cell within his body was on fire. It was a different touch than usual, not as seductive or confident; more hesitant and he hated that she was worried about touching him, about showing that she wanted him in case he rejected her… which he would. 

It had been two days since the wedding and things were still up in the air between them. He took sole responsibility for that fact, knowing that he'd avoided her attempt to discuss what happened while they were away. He knew she wanted to explain herself and make him understand why she'd kept such a huge part of her past from him, but he was still so confused by it all that he just couldn't let her. Not yet.

Haley moved closer to him, bridging the distance between them in their bed, but knowing that she was no closer to bridging the gap between them emotionally. He had been withdrawing from her for days. When he'd held her in their hotel room that night and promised that even if he was upset he'd still love her, she knew that everything would be okay. She understood that they still needed to resolve their problems, but she'd thought it would be easy, that they'd talk, she'd explain and he'd forgive. Unfortunately it hadn't been that simple.

She thought back on the dinner they'd had earlier at Brooke and Jake's house which had been… uneasy to say the least. It if weren't her life she'd probably have found it comical, what with Jenny not talking to JJ, JJ not talking to Nathan, Nathan barely talking to anyone, Brooke giving Nathan the evil eye and she and Jake just trying to get everyone through it without a huge blow out.

"Nathan?" She bit her lip anxiously as she waited for him to respond; to fill the silence that seemed to surround them lately.

He sighed, wishing she'd just go to sleep so he could avoid the conversation he knew she wanted to have. "Yeah?"

They'd had a conversation once about how they seemed unable to sleep anymore if they weren't wrapped in each others arms or at least facing each other. He knew having his back turned to her was just another glaringly obvious sign that there was great discord within their relationship.

She moved her hand to rest on his shoulder and applied a small amount of pressure indicating she wanted him to face her. "Can you please just… can't you even look at me any more?"

Her broken whisper pinched at his heart, and staring into the darkness he imagined her face; her bottom lip caught between her teeth and her eyes gleaning with unshed tears. It was enough for him to feel the first sting of tears behind his eyelids. What was wrong with him? Why could he just deal with this like any other normal person? So what? His mother died of cancer. So do thousands of other people and he bet their loved ones don't freak out at the through of it possibly happening to someone else they love. It's just a part of life that they deal with and move on from. Why couldn't he?

"Haley" He sighed heavily. "Can we please not do this? I'm sorry, but I'm just not ready to talk about it all yet."

She fought back the urge to sob and decided to forge forward. Even if he couldn't open up to her emotionally… if they couldn't connect the way they used to, then she'd at least be happy to connect with him on a physical level. With that thought in mind she raised herself up on her knees and pulled her tank top over her head leaving her in only a pair of pink cotton bikini briefs; the movement of the mattress causing Nathan to turn to look at her, and she took the opportunity to throw off the covers and straddle him as he now lay flat on his back.

"We don't have to talk." She didn't quite reach the level of confidence she was aiming for and her words sounded pleading to both of them.

He looked up at her, almost naked and completely beautiful, and knew he wanted her as much as she wanted him. He knew the distance between them was all his fault, but he'd missed her the last few days and seeing her like this, above him and so ready to be taken… he couldn't resist.

Haley felt him already hard beneath her, the only barrier between his heat and hers were two very thin pieces of fabric. A feeling akin to relief swept through her at the confirmation that even though he'd been withdrawn, he still wanted her. She gasped as his large hands grasped her hips and moved her along his length, the sensation making both of them moan quietly.

She began to lean forward zeroing in on his lips, insanely needful of his kisses. Nathan watched her face slowly coming closer and he placed a hand behind her neck, pulling her down to capture her lips in a scorching kiss that was both hungry and desperate. If he could only show her in this way how much he still loved her, then he would. After he was through making love to her tonight she'd never doubt his feelings for her no matter what they went through.

He ran his other hand from her hip up to her breast and kneaded it gently; softly pinching her hardened nipple. She bucked against him in response and he couldn't prevent the groan that escaped against his swollen lips.

Their kiss ended abruptly as they jumped apart at the sound of screaming coming from down the hall. Haley snatched her top from where it lay beside her and quickly put it on along with her pyjama bottoms lying on the floor. She looked up to find Nathan had already pulled on his robe, hurrying out of their room towards JJ's.

* * *

Nathan raced into JJ's room scared out of his mind. He'd never head him scream before and a million different thoughts had raced through his head in the short time it had taken him to get there. The boy sat upright in his bed, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees and his head buried in his arms, looking entirely younger than his eight years. If JJ's shaking shoulders were anything to go by, he seemed to be crying, another first for Nathan to witness. Taking a quick sweep of the room, he noticed nothing unusual or out of place and swiftly crossed to sit beside him on the bed. 

The shifting of weight on the mattress had JJ's head snapping upwards and upon seeing Nathan, the distraught boy flew himself into his arms, taking refuge in the protective embrace. It was a new feeling for him; different from being held by his mother when he got scared. Yes, she always made him feel better, but to feel physically protected by a man… a father figure, was something new to the young boy.

Haley stood in the doorway, unwilling to move and possibly break the spell that had been cast upon her two favourite boys.  
The panic she'd felt at hearing her son's scream had changed to relief at the sight of Nathan holding Josh in his arms. Her heart warmed at the picture they made; exactly how a father and son should look, and after the heartbreaking distance that had come between them recently, it gave her hope that things would work out sooner than she'd thought.

"Are you okay buddy? Did you have a nightmare?"

JJ jerked out of Nathan's arms abruptly and scooted back to rest against the headboard, refusing to meet Nathan's eyes. The action had Nathan holding back the urge to cry as disappointment washed over him. It had felt so good to be able to comfort JJ; be close to him after weeks of silence and disdain, but it seemed his thoughts of moving past that stage were a bit premature.

Watching him furiously wipe away his tears, Haley saw embarrassment flash in her son's eyes and new he was self-conscious about getting scared by a nightmare. He was at an age where he believed he had to be strong and tough; where having nightmares was weak and for babies.

"It's okay to be scared sometimes JJ. We all get scared."

Haley winced at Nathan's words, knowing it would be the last thing her son wanted to hear. He might be giving Nathan the cold shoulder at the moment, but that man was his role model and he didn't want to look stupid in front of him.

"This is your fault! Why don't you just leave early? Just leave now so I won't have the dreams anymore! I hate you!"

Nathan straightened, shocked by the outburst. He could barely remember any of what had been said except for the three words which had sliced through his heart. _I hate you_. It wasn't the first time anyone had said that to him, usually an unhappy girlfriend or meaningless fling, but coming out of the mouth of a person he loved with every fibre of his being… was excruciating.

Racing from her position in the doorway, Haley joined her son on the bed, pulling him onto her lap and gasping as she felt his whole body shake with tension. She'd never seen him this worked up before and it was breaking her heart… as was the look of horror on her boyfriend's face. She'd never forget it for as long as she lived; the pain, despair and hurt there for all to see.

Haley held her son for a few minutes, soothingly rubbing his back as she felt him gradually relax. Nathan, however, hadn't moved a muscle since the outburst, but feeling painfully like an unwanted intruder, he stood up and turned to leave them alone.

"Nathan. Please don't go." He turned to look at her with a look of uncertainty. It was obviously he thought it best for everyone that he left them alone. "This has been going on for far too long and now is the time to work it out." Pulling back from JJ so she could see his eyes, she looked at him firmly. "What did you mean when you said Nathan should leave early?"

Josh pouted and looked away from his mother's gaze, not wanting to break his pattern of keeping his feelings to himself.

The question registered in Nathan's mind and he found JJ's comment just as confusing as Haley did. Quietly, he took a seat further up the bed so he could sit by his girlfriend and hopefully get this situation resolved.

"Josh?"

The young boy looked at Nathan this time, hurt and resentment shining behind the tears that waited to be shed. "He's gonna leave when the baby comes and I…I keep having bad dreams about it. If he leaves early then maybe the dreams will stop."

"JJ, no! I'm not going anywhere. Why would you think that?" Nathan reached out his hand to comfort the boy, but hesitated at the last moment, letting it drop onto the bedspread between them. He soon felt the warmth of Haley's soft skin as she covered it with her own.

Lower lip trembling as he struggled not to cry again, JJ looked up at Nathan with such sadness that he thought his heart might stop beating. "Because my dad left… and so will you."

Haley hadn't even realised she was crying until her vision blurred so much she had to swipe at her eyes. What had Mitchell done? How had she not seen it? Oh God, this wasn't fair. Her son shouldn't have to feel this way or worry about these sorts of things.

"I'm not going to leave you and your mom, okay? I love you both more than anyone else in the world… and I'm gonna love your bother or sister just as much. I'm not going anywhere."

"But…"

"Not buts. I know that your dad left, but it wasn't because he didn't love you okay? And it doesn't mean that I'm going to leave too. Lots of your friends have their dads. Jake didn't leave when Jenny was a baby."

Nathan could see JJ working the information over in his brain. He could tell that he desperately wanted to believe, but he'd been hurt so much by his father's abandonment… even though he'd covered it well for so long, that it was hard for him to trust.

"But her mommy left her."

"Okay. Sometimes people leave, JJ, and it's something I'm sure they'll always be sorry for… but now Jenny has Brooke… just like you have me and I promise you that I will never leave you. I want to stay with you and your mom and the baby forever okay?"

"Promise?" JJ asked, the start of a smile forming on his lips.

Nathan smiled back, nodding his head. "Yep. I promise. And I'll even pinkie swear on it!"

JJ leapt out of his mother's arms and into Nathan's, the force of it sending them backwards onto the mattress. Nathan's arms wrapped around the much smaller body and hugged tightly, smiling as he felt JJ's arms clasped just as tightly around his neck. He could see Haley's eyes shining with happy tears as she watched them with a bright smile, and the experience was made so much better for knowing that her worry and heartache over her son's behaviour was over. He hated her being so upset, especially when she should have been basking in the miracle that was her pregnancy; their baby.

"Nathan, when I have a brother, how long until he can play basketball with me?" The sparkle of excitement in JJ's eyes was unmistakable; his nightmare and worries about Nathan leaving, completely banished from his mind.

Nathan laughed, both amused by Josh's question and also relieved that he had acknowledged the pregnancy and seemed genuinely happy about it. "Not for a few years buddy, but we can start training him as soon as he's big enough to hold a ball."

"Hey, I thought you said the baby was going to be a girl?" Haley questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm just talking hypothetically, Hales. Besides, even if we have a daughter, she's still learning how to play ball."

"I'd expect nothing less, babe."

"But I don't want a sister. I want a brother! Can I please have a brother?"

Nathan and Haley looked at each before chuckling loudly. Haley moved up closer to them on the bed and sat JJ between them. "Honey, we don't get choose if the baby is a boy or a girl, so we'll get what we're given, okay."

JJ hardly looked appeased by her explanation and Nathan couldn't believe that he could be turned to mush by the adorable, crinkled frown of an eight year old. "Hey, having a sister won't be so bad. Jenny's a girl and she's your best friend."

"She's not really a girl"

"What do you mean 'she's not really a girl'?"

"Well, she's not. She's into cool stuff like playing ball and NBA Live, not that stupid girlie stuff like Barbies." The added shiver of disgust and barfing sound effects at the end his little rant sent both Nathan and Haley into hysterics… and before long JJ was laughing along with them.

"I s'pose if I can train her to like my stuff then a girl would be okay with me." His face was solemn and the adults could practically see him dreaming up ways to 'train' a girl to enjoy all his 'boy' activities.

"Oh, well as long as you're okay with it." Haley nodded with mock seriousness, winking over the top of her son's head at Nathan who was trying hard not laugh out loud again.

Haley smiled as her son yawned loudly. "You ready to go back to sleep sweetie?"

"Yeah. I need to go to the bathroom first."

When he'd left the room Haley reached for Nathan's hand and clasped it between her own. He smiled at her, knowing she was as happy and relieved as he about the recent turn of events. Leaning forward, she placed a soft kiss on his lips, but surprised him by tracing his lower lip with her tongue before pulling away with a suggestive smile on her face.

Nathan struggled to keep the smile on his face. Any other time he'd be ecstatic for Haley to be making moves on him, and it was understandable that she expected to finish off what they started earlier, but he couldn't. They needed to talk this issue out and having sex was like putting a bandaid on an open wound. It might make things better for a little while, but it wasn't fixing the problem; it would simply make it seem like it had been fixed while it was actually left to sit and fester until it got to a point that it couldn't be mended at all.

Unfortunately, he wasn't ready to have their discussion tonight. He needed to figure out how exactly he could explain to Haley why her keeping such a huge secret from him made him so upset. He knew he'd had days to figure it out… but like the immature guy he sometimes still reverted to – he'd just been stewing on it for days, sulking about how hurt and confused he was. Tomorrow, they'd talk, but tonight they could just enjoy having their family happily back together.

JJ ran back into his room and jumped on the bed before kissing them both good night and crawling to the top of his bed ready to settle back in for the night. Nathan grabbed him around the waist and lifted him as he stood up next to the bed leaving JJ dangling from under his arm, giggling loudly.

"How would you like to sleep in with us tonight, buddy?"

"Really?"

Nathan noticed Haley's face fall for just a second before she pasted on a bright smile. He knew he'd hurt her feelings again, but he'd make it up to her tomorrow. He just couldn't be with her tonight, nor could he explain why. He was taking the coward's way out by using JJ as a way to avoid intimacy - both physical and emotionally - but right now that was the only way he could handle the situation.

"Sure honey." Haley smiled before walking out of the room. They both knew he invited JJ into their room to avoid continuing their earlier activities; it was hard to miss his smile slip after she hinted at resuming their lovemaking. She was hurt and she was angry… and she was the worst mother on the planet. How could she possibly be angry that her boyfriend suggested her son share their bed for the night, especially after the breakthrough they'd just had with him? And all because she was horny and desperate to be close to Nathan? God, she really was a selfish cow sometimes.

Needing a few minutes to compose herself, Haley headed straight into their en suite bathroom, closing the door behind her. She stared at her reflection in the mirror willing herself to look okay; to look like she was perfectly content and all was right in her world. She didn't want her son to pick up on anything and she definitely didn't want Nathan to know he'd hurt her. It certainly wouldn't help them sort out their issues by adding more recriminations to the mix. She could hear Nathan and JJ talking softly and a genuine smile graced her face. At least everything was okay with her son again. For that she was extremely grateful.

A few minutes later the door slid open and Nathan leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest as his gaze locked with hers in the mirror. "He's asleep already."

"Oh, okay. Well that's good." She looked down at the sink, unable to keep his gaze without feeling like she'd cry at any moment. She felt his arms wrap around her from behind as he pulled her back against his chest. It amazed her that even when he was the cause of her pain, just being held in his arms was enough to make it ease a little.

Nathan could feel her relax slightly in his embrace, but the tension was still radiating off of her. He just had to remind himself that tomorrow everything would get sorted out. Tomorrow they could go back to the way things were. But for now, he just wanted go to sleep with the two people he loved most in the world… and the one that was soon to complete their little family.

"I love you Haley James."

Haley watched him in the mirror, and knew his words were sincere. She didn't doubt it at all… but she had to wonder if he loved her just a little bit less after recent events. A single tear escaped down her cheek and he tenderly brushed it away, never once losing eye contact in the mirror; his eyes boring into hers as if trying to hammer the point home.

"I love you too."

Nathan led her back into their room and they each climbed into bed on either side of the sleeping boy. He couldn't help but wonder if things would ever just run smoothly for them. They finally had their family back together and happy again, but there was more than just a sleeping child between them in their bed that night. It was a distance they had both felt for days now though neither openly acknowledged. He watched her as she gently stroked her son's head and sighed dejectedly to himself as she looked at him briefly, an unreadable look in her eyes before turning to lie on her side, facing a way from him, something she never did. Ever.

* * *

The bed was empty when Haley woke up the following morning and she felt a mixture of disappointment and relief. It was strange how she'd been trying to have this discussion with Nathan for days, but now she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready for it. She was done trying to force him to listen to her and open up about how he felt. The ball was in his court now. She chuckled ruefully at how everything in her life seemed to come back to the man who held her heart; even stupid clichés that had been around forever, seemed like they were made for him. 

She quickly showered and dressed before heading downstairs for some breakfast. She had heard the phone ring just as she'd begun descending the stairs and assumed Nathan had answered, but when she arrived in the kitchen it was JJ she found talking awkwardly on the phone with no Nathan in sight.

"Um…sort of. It's okay, I guess."

Haley raised an eyebrow wondering who he was talking to. Anyone who called the house was a friend of theirs and JJ was comfortable holding a conversation with all of them.

"Yeah my grades are alright." The boy paused and gave his mother a look that indicated he had no idea what the person on the other end wanted. "No, Nathan's not here."

Haley walked over to her son and gave him a questioning look. He simply shrugged in response and handed the phone over when she put her hand out for it and trounced out of the room, obviously having better things to do.

"May I ask who is calling please?" Haley's tone was formally polite, but held an icy edge as all her instincts warned her it wasn't someone she wanted to hear from. Why would someone who JJ obviously didn't know, be asking about his schooling and then if Nathan was home?

"Hi Hales"

Haley's eyes closed as she grabbed for the bench to steady herself, her heart racing wildly. "Mitchell?"


	10. Contentment

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 10 – Contentment**

**A/N: All of reviews have been wonderful. Thanks for the support! Thank you to all my girls who help me so much. Without you this story would simply be an idea running around my brain. **

* * *

"May I ask who is calling please?" Haley's tone was formally polite, and held an icy edge as all her instincts warned her that this wasn't someone she wanted to hear from. Why would someone who JJ obviously didn't know, be asking about something personal like his schooling and then enquiring as whether Nathan was home?

"Hales?"

Haley's eyes closed as she grabbed for the bench to steady herself, her heart racing wildly. "Mitchell?"

"Yeah. How… how are you?" His voice was hesitant and she could detect a hint of fear. Well he was right to worry because there was no way, in any universe that it would ever be okay for him to call like this. Quickly getting over her shock, Haley's astonishment turned to incredulous anger at his nerve of daring to call her; to speak to her son. He gave up any right to do so years ago.

"What the hell do you think you're doing calling my home and talking to my son?" The calm icy edge to her voice would have been disconcerting to anyone.

"Hales" His condescending tone meant to placate her, only irritated her further, as did the fact that he seemed to think he had some sort of right to user the name 'Hales', a term of endearment that should be left for friends and loved ones. He was no longer either of those no matter how important he'd once been to her.

"It's Haley. And I think this conversation is over. I'm warning you Mitchell, don't even think about contacting my son again."

"He's my son too"

"Fuck You!"

There was a stunned silence, both taken aback by her outburst. It was very un-Haley-like.

"I know I was a bastard Haley. I look back on that time now and just cringe with shame at how I treated you and our s… and JJ; how I failed you both. I have no excuses for that. I was a scared and immature boy who couldn't handle the responsibility of a family. I loved you Haley, I really did and I'm sorry that I failed you so badly."

She couldn't hold back the tears at his words; words she'd wanted to hear for such a long time. After he'd left and she'd been sick and so alone, Haley had hoped that he'd just arrive on her doorstep one day with an apology and a bouquet of flowers, swearing that he loved her and wanted to come back to them.

Memories from that time were such a blur to her now. Dealing with her cancer treatments, a two year old child and the loss of her husband, Haley had struggled to make it through every day and if she was honest with herself, she knew she would have accepted him back at that stage, probably with no explanation required. She'd still loved him then and didn't know how to live life without her husband, the man who had been her best friend since she was just a girl, but that had all changed the day she'd been confronted by her furious mother demanding to know why she had asked her husband to leave. Too shell shocked to respond Haley had just listened to Lydia James rant and rave about how she'd warned her daughter not to get married so young and now just because life got a little tough she couldn't just cast her husband aside. How would it look? How would they explain this to the Johnsons? Did she realise that she'd just put a twenty year old friendship between the two families at risk. She was selfish and stubborn and should beg Mitchell to take her back.

That was the day she realised just how spineless Mitchell Johnson really was, telling such a ridiculous lie to cover up for the fact that he was a coward and left his sick wife and his baby son. Everything she'd felt for him as her best friend, her husband and the father of her child, died in that moment. People say that love can't be turned off, that it fades with time… not for Haley. She stopped loving him that day.

"You're apology is too late Mitchell. I don't want, nor need anything from you including your self realisation bullshit. I have no need for you in my life. I haven't needed you for a long time. It's been even longer since I stopped thinking about you and longer still since I stopped loving you, so I really don't think there's anything for us to say."

"I understand that Haley and although I wish I could change the way things are between us, that's not why I called. Things have changed a lot in my life Haley. I grew up and I met someone new; married her… and now I have a son. It's made me realise how much I've given up in the past. I want to see JJ. I want to know my son."

Haley felt a wave of nausea hit her as she digested his words. Since seeing him at the wedding, she'd thought of the possibility of him wanting to ease his guilt by trying to make things right with her, but she never entertained the possibility that he'd want anything to do with his son. He'd never wanted JJ at all, had considered him a burden since she announced her pregnancy.

"Forget it. No way Mitchell. You gave up your rights and you can't just change your mind now. We've built a life for ourselves… a great life and I will not have you disrupting it. Just go be with your new family and forget about us. I'd certainly like to forget about you."

Before he could get in another word, Haley hung up the phone, her hand shaking as the shock of the conversation hit her like a Mack truck. God, she had enough to contend with, without her ex-husband stirring up trouble. The worst thing; the most terrifying thing was that she could hear the sincerity in his voice as he expressed his desire to connect with his son.

"Mom?"

Haley spun around to face her son, plastering on a smile so as to hide her despair. "Yeah honey. What's up?"

"Are you okay?" JJ eyed his mother carefully. She had a funny look on her face that kind of reminded him of the guy on a TV ad who couldn't go to the bathroom.

"I'm fine sweetie. Are you ready to go to Jenny's?" Haley was glad for the reprieve. After the tension from last night she really didn't feel like pretending to play happy families for her son today. If she and Nathan weren't going to talk through their problems, then she'd rather they didn't talk at all because she was exhausted.

"Yep, Jake's out the front waiting for me. I just came to say goodbye." Hugging his mother around the waist, JJ realised his head was against her now protruding stomach, and this was the first time he'd ever gotten close to it. He raised a small hand and tentatively laid it over the bump not quite sure what to expect.

"The baby hasn't started moving yet, but it won't be long." She smiled down at her son who was showing interest in her pregnancy for the first time, and she had to fight off tears of happiness this time.

"I'm glad you're having a baby mom. Nathan's a good dad." JJ hadn't even realised that he had referred to Nathan in terms of being his father.

"He is, isn't he?"

"Yeah. He's the best. He plays basketball whenever I want and video games… and he loves TMNT! Even Jake doesn't like TMNT, mom and he's the second coolest dad."

Haley smiled convincingly, all the while wondering what the hell a TMNT was. Sometimes she had trouble comprehending how quickly Josh was growing up and she was so grateful that Nathan was there to share the journey with her because even though she's been raising him alone for years and knew she could do it on her own again, Nathan was good for her son and could be there for him in ways she never could.

The sound of Jake's horn had JJ releasing his mother and dashing for the door. "See you tonight mom. I love you."

She smiled after he son. It was such a relief to have her cheerful little boy back, all traces of sullenness gone. At least that was one worry off her mind. Of course, she still had to deal with Nathan, but she'd be waiting for him to come to her. She wasn't going to put herself out there like she had last night. Just the memory of his rejection and her subsequent humiliation the night before had her cheeks flaming and tears stinging behind her eyes. Unfortunately that wasn't the worst of her problems… now she had to confront her mother, who she just knew; knew in her gut, had given Mitchell her phone number.

Taking the portable handset out of its cradle, she made her way out the back door and sat on the old comfortable sofa she had set up in the enclosed verandah. This was one of her favorite places to sit and think, or just relax after a particularly stressful day. It had definitely been a place she'd found comfort over the years since she'd moved to Tree Hill. Where she'd mourned the loss of her dreams that had revolved around her family with Mitchell and JJ, the fact that she'd not only lost that family, but her parents as well with the lies that had surrounded her divorce. She'd dealt with her loneliness here, coming to terms with the fact that even though she had great new friends like Brooke and Jake, and Karen… she no longer had a special someone who was such a part of her that they made her feel complete. She'd loved the new life she'd built here with just she and JJ, and that helped her to accept that it might always be that way; just the two of them.

And then came along a beautiful man named Nathan Scott who'd thown her off-balance from the moment she'd laid eyes on him. She'd been cooking dinner in the kitchen, having given her son permission to go and see if the new neighbors had any children, when she heard the sound of her son's excited voice along with an older, deeper… far too sexy voice, and Haley couldn't resist the urge to take a look for herself.

Moving to the front door Haley stood on the porch and watched as a man who appeared to be around her age showed JJ a trick with a basketball. The delight on her son's face, not to mention the joy in his voice had made her smile widely, her heart beating faster. Of course, that could have had something to do with the fact the sexy new neighbor; the _shirtless_, sexy new neighbor, had a body to die for and practically had her drooling at the sight of him shooting the ball into a hoop he'd already set up in the couple of hours since he'd moved in.

She remembered the way he'd looked over at her then, almost as if he'd sensed her presence and he smirked, lifting his hand in acknowledgement. She'd blushed furiously in that moment, realizing she'd been caught staring at his bare chest and back.

"Mom! Nathan's gonna teach me how to play basketball better. He's a coach!"

Walking across the yard, Haley had tried to calm her racing pulse, hoping that her cheeks were no longer red… and that 'Nathan' would put a shirt on. God, it should be illegal to look that good!

"Hi Nathan. I'm JJ's mom. I see he's already roped you into some basketball. It's his new obsession." Haley held out her hand and tried not to shudder at the tingles that shot through her at his touch.

"Hi JJ's mom. It's nice to meet you… and he really didn't have to try too hard. It's probably a safe bet that I'm more obsessed with basketball than this guy here."

"You can call her Haley. I call her Mom and her students call her Mrs. James, but Karen and Brooke and Jake all call her Haley, and they're grown ups just like you Nathan, so you can call her Haley too" turning to his mother looking very pleased with himself, JJ smiled and looked for confirmation, "right Mom?"

"Sure honey." Haley smiled at Nathan, pleased to see that he found her son's rambling endearing rather than annoying. "You can call me Haley."

"Thanks. I'll do that Haley." Had her name ever sounded so wonderful? The way it rolled off his lips was like a sensual caress.

Haley gestured to the almost empty moving van in his driveway. "It looks like a big job. If you don't have any plans, we'd love to have you over for dinner. I'm sure you hardly feel like cooking."

The smile he gave her was enough to leave her weak at the knees. She'd thought his earlier smirk was deadly, well it was nothing compared to a genuine smile. "I'd love that. What time would you like me to come over?"

"Dinner should be ready in about an hour."

"Okay, well I'll see you then."

Haley nodded before telling JJ that he needed to come back home so that Nathan could finish up and get ready for dinner. With a minimal amount of grumbling, he passed the basketball back to Nathan and dashed across the yard and into the house, with his mother not far behind him.

"Haley?"

She turned around and stood frozen under his intense stare. Their gazes locked and although she couldn't see what he was thinking, she knew it wasn't anything mundane. "Yeah?"

"Nothing." He shook his head slightly as though shaking his thoughts away. "Thanks for the invitation. I'll see you soon."

Haley smiled at the memory of that day; a day that was the beginning of a whole new life for her. Although she'd felt the attraction between them from the very beginning, she'd tried to deny it and had turned down Nathan on more than a few occasions. Thankfully he'd been persistent and eventually she'd seen that dating Nathan would only be good for JJ, not harmful. And it had been good. Her son had blossomed under the attentions of her boyfriend and despite the recent hiccup in their relationship; she knew that her son considered Nathan as his father.

Maybe things weren't perfect at the moment, but she wouldn't change meeting Nathan for the World. She loved him with everything she had… and now they'd made a child together. No matter what happened, they'd get through this rough patch. She knew they would.

* * *

Nathan opened the front door, a little apprehensive about the talk he was about to initiate with Haley. He felt like an ass… knew he'd been an ass last night and he really needed make it up to her; make everything the way it used to be. This distance between them was tearing at his heart and left him feeling as though there were a void inside of him. He'd felt complete since falling in love with her and being accepted into her and JJ's perfect little family. Never before in his life had he felt so loved and full of hope for the future, but since their falling out, that sense of well-being and completion that had soothed his previously restless soul, had started to dim and his heart ached for it to be restored. 

The sound of muffled yelling stopped him in his tracks as he entered the house. He could tell that it was Haley and his first instinct was to panic. She never yelled, and especially not at JJ who should have been with Jenny by now, so he couldn't fathom why she would be so upset, or who she could possibly be raising her voice to. Dropping his keys on the entry table, Nathan raced through the house, following the sound of her voice until he could see her through the wire door leading outside from the kitchen.

"JJ already has a father! He doesn't need Mitchell and neither do I… and you know what we really don't need?... you sticking your nose into our business like you know what's best for us, or you actually care, because lets face it, you haven't shown that you care at all in the past six years. Just stay out of my life!"

Nathan stood frozen to the spot as he listened to Haley's painful rant and then watched the phone slip from her hand before a sob tore from her throat. He knew things had been strained between mother and daughter for quite some time, but they'd never been this bad and he hated to think of what might have cause such an outburst.

He opened the door and took a seat next to her on the sofa, startling her when he laid a comforting hand on her back. So caught up in her despair, she hadn't heard him join her and upon realizing she'd been caught bawling her eyes out, she furiously wiped at the tears, as though removing them would erase any memory he had of seeing her so distraught.

"Baby, c'mere." When she looked up and into his eyes, the tears started again and Nathan pulled her into his arms, sighing with relief when she willingly obliged, hiding her face in the crook of his neck, taking comfort in him and trusting him to make her problems go away.

Seeing her this way was killing him. He hated her being upset under any circumstances, but she was pregnant and all of this stress was not good for the baby. Rocking her in his arms as she sat, practically curled up on his lap, Nathan knew a protectiveness he'd never experienced before. It was a feeling of knowing that he would do anything for his family; anything to make them happy or ease their pain.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose it like that." Haley whispered when she'd calmed down a few minutes later. Her head and her heart had been aching so badly that she'd lost all semblance of control, letting the hurt and the anguish she'd been feeling for the past week… hell the past six years, be released.

"Hey, don't apologize Hales. You can always come to me babe. Whenever you're upset, I want to be the one to comfort you, to hold you like this. I know I haven't been a very good boyfriend lately, and for that I am sorry."

"You're a wonderful boyfriend. I haven't exactly been the perfect girlfriend though… keeping secrets…"

"No, Hales. I know your natural inclination is to forgive others' shortcomings, and take blame upon yourself, but that's not going to happen this time. We both have blame to bare in this situation, but you've tried to make amends; tried to explain to me why you didn't tell me about your… your cancer, but I just shut you down and pushed you away. I was wrong and I'm so sorry I hurt you. The last thing I'd ever want is to hurt you. I love you so much."

Haley looked into his eyes as he so openly shared his feelings and a sense of relief washed over her. She had lain awake last night worrying about how long it would be before he came to her, opened up to her and had even wondered in one moment of weakness if he would be able to at all. Of course she should have trusted that it would happen; trusted in him to do the right thing. Although they'd only been together a short time, she'd long ago realized that Nathan was a very complex man, and he had his own time. She just had to be patient and wait for him to be ready to face certain issues.

"I love you too. Thank you for talking to me about this. It's been so hard feeling this… tension, this distance between us. I know I hurt you by not telling you about everything earlier, and I was being cowardly by putting it off. But please know that I never thought of it as keeping a secret from you… I honestly was trying to protect you. Every time I thought it was the right time to bring it up, I'd just remember how devastated you look when you speak of your mother and I hated the thought that I'd be making you feel that way again."

Nathan smiled at her ruefully. "Well I guess my reaction kind of justified your hesitance to tell me."

"Not really. You deserved to know. I kept it from you because of your history, when I really should have been open about it from the beginning for the very same reason. It's not a case of being part of my past that doesn't concern you… because of your past, it does concern you."

Nathan tenderly brushed an errant hair from her face and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. "I'll be perfectly honest. I used the excuse of you keeping that secret as a reason to be upset about this… but it's not that at all. I've told you how much my mother's illness and death affected me, and you've seen first hand how ridiculously poorly I've dealt with hit. Well, this is just more proof of that. When you told me," He stopped to take a breath, feeling almost as overwhelmed as when they'd had the conversation in their hotel room the night before Taylor's wedding, " when you told me that you'd had cancer I felt like my heart stopped beating and everything around me faded to black. It was this sinking feeling like I had no control over my life and everything was slipping away from me. I know that it was in your past and you're fine now, and that it was illogical to react that way, but I couldn't help it. I had a vision of losing you and… and in that moment I wanted to die, Hales."

"Oh Nathan." Haley sighed as she watched a tear fall down his cheek. "It was so unbelievably unfair that your mother died so young the way she did, but it didn't happen to me. It wasn't my time, baby. It was an obstacle, a challenge in my life which made me the person I am today. I'm not saying I'd ever want to go through that again, but I can look back on that time and reflect on how much it changed me, and my view on life."

Cupping his face with her hands, Haley smiled at him with a warmth that made his heart flip. "Nothing is going to happen to me. Everything in the past has lead us here to each other and this new family we're making together. The four of us are going to be so happy, you wouldn't believe."

He kissed her then, a kiss filled with every ounce of love he felt for her and although they wouldn't forget the torture of the past few days, they would put it behind them, only remembering how stupid they were to let themselves be so miserable instead of working through their problems straight away.

A little while later as they both lay along the sofa, Nathan's arms wrapped around her tightly, pulling her back against his chest he remembered the phone call he'd caught the tail end of and had to ask her what it had been about.

"I heard you before you hung up the phone earlier. Who was it, Hales?"

"My Mom." She sighed heavily as though just the memory of the conversation weighed her down and he waited for her to continue, knowing that she'd tell him in her own time. "She did something that I don't think I'll ever forgive her for. She's hurt me so many times, you know?… but when she does something to hurt my family, well that's not something I can tolerate."

Nathan felt a lump in his throat as he tried to remember what he'd overheard. He knew Mitchell had been mentioned and something about being a father?... the thought that maybe she wanted her ex to be a part of JJ's life, of their lives had him panicked. He'd always support her with what she thought was best for her son, but he couldn't' help but worry about what the reintroduction of JJ's father into their lives would do to his relationship with the boy.

Haley laced her fingers through his, their hands resting on the warm skin of her protruding stomach, her top having been lifted slightly earlier by Nathan who always wanted to touch her there… something she loved. His hand had barely left her stomach since they'd lain down together and she figured he was making up for the last couple of days.

"Mitchell called the house earlier."

"What?!" The notion made his blood boil. How dare that miserable excuse for a human being call their home? "What the hell made him think he could do that?"

"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction. I was so angry with him and the worse thing was that he JJ answered the phone." She felt him tense behind her and she squeezed him hand reassuringly. "JJ doesn't know who it was, thank God. But… Mitchell asked to see him."

"Oh." A sinking feeling washed over him as well as guilt. Although most his objection to Mitchell seeing JJ was about protecting the boy… some of it was more selfish. He worried he'd be pushed out of the picture and all the progress he'd made towards being a father figure for Josh would fall to the wayside.

"I refused of course."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I went off at him, Nathan. I didn't yell a lot, but I was mean… and I cussed." she chuckled lightly, "You would have been proud."

Nathan kissed the back of her neck and smiled against her skin. "I'm always proud of you."

Haley wiggled and maneuvered herself so that she was facing him, their bodies flush against each other on the sofa. Closing the distance her lips caressed his in a whisper of a kiss.

"He can't push the issue can he? I mean he is JJ's father. You don't think he'd try to get custody do you?" Nathan couldn't hide his fear as he voiced the question.

"No. There's no way Mitchell can get custody of my son. He signed over his parental rights." It hurt her still to think about the pain she'd felt when her ex-husband had signed legal documents stating he wanting nothing further to do with his son; his own flesh and blood. But there was also relief that she knew she had nothing to fear from him now. He was out of their lives.

It floored him. That asshole had actually wanted so much to be rid of his family that he'd not only ended his marriage, he'd given his son up legally. Seeing his look of pure shock Haley knew she'd have to explain exactly what had happened.

"I know you noticed the tension between me and my family. Well, even though I've never had a wonderful relationship with my mom, it got to what it's become now after Mitchell and I split."

Nathan closed his eyes tightly, trying to rein in his growing anger. "That's what I don't get, Hales. Why on earth does she act like it's your fault? That bastard left you!"

"The truth, even though I refused to see it at the time, is that Mitchell had been wanting out of our marriage from the time he found out I was pregnant. Playing house wasn't as fun as it sounded when we'd talked about raising a family before we got married. My pregnancy was such a surprise for both of us, but while I handled it and grew to love our child, Mitchell… I guess he just couldn't. He was so terrified of his life slipping away from him. It turns out that me getting sick was the last straw. He couldn't handle the responsibility and he wanted his old life back. He wanted to be free to act his age and have fun with his friends."

Haley shook her head at the memory. "But he was a coward, and while I busy focusing on my treatments and fighting for my life, he took it upon himself to tell his parents that I'd asked him for a divorce. He must have spun some tale about getting sick had changed me and I decided he wasn't what I wanted any more. Well… that didn't go down to well with his parents and they soon told mine."

"I swear to God, Hales. I've never hated anyone the way I hate him for hurting you."

"The first I knew about all of this was when my mother called and ripped right through me. I'd just gotten home from a treatment at the hospital and God, just being awake was an effort, so I didn't have the energy to set her straight before she hung up on me. Mitchell contacted me a day later and it was obvious he was trying to test the waters to see if I was going to refute his lie. Before I knew it he blurted out that if I promised not to tell our families the truth, he'd sign over all his parental rights, knowing that I'd accept his offer. Just the thought of him ever getting custody of our son terrified me."

It all made so much more sense now. Haley was the most loving, beautiful soul he'd ever met, yet her mother treated her like a felon and it was clear that all who knew her and Mitchell as a married couple seemed to think she was heartless and that she'd done Mitchell wrong. He didn't care if she'd made a promise all those years ago, Nathan would convince her to tell them the truth. She may be tough and act like she isn't affected by the breakdown of her relationship with both parents… but he knew she'd give anything to have their love and support again.

Stroking her hair softly, Nathan kissed her forehead. "Every time I think of him just… abandoning you like that when you needed him the most, I want to kill him. I want to strangle him with my bare hands. Do you have any idea how much it cost me to be civil to him at your sister's wedding? I watched him as he looked at you so pleadingly, silently begging for forgiveness and it took everything in me not to knock him out. I mean… how could he do that to you? God, how could he do that to himself? He had it all. He had you and JJ and his life should have been perfect. I just can't comprehend it, Hales."

She kissed him soundly then. "Of course you can't, Nathan. You're a remarkable and honorable man. You would never do what he did and not just because you know it's wrong or you'd feel too guilty, but because you'd want to be there. You proved that with your mother… you gave up your dream for her Nathan and I really don't think you understand how amazing that is. You're the best man I know Nathan Scott."

Nathan felt himself blushing for the first time in years. Her words meaning more to him than anything anyone had ever said to him before. He respected Haley, and her opinion mattered to him above all others, so to know she thought so much of him… well it was unbelievable.

"Thank you." He whispered, choking up with emotion. "Did you mean what you said to your mom earlier?"

Haley studied him for a moment, taking in his nervousness and wondered what he was referring to.

"You said that JJ already had a father… I guess I just wanted to know if you really do see me that way."

Haley nodded, smiling widely. "I do, Nathan… and he may not say it, but I know JJ does too."

The smile that lit up his face was showed just how much he needed to hear that, and it reminded her much he loved her son. "Really?"

"You know what he said to me this morning?" Haley stroked his cheek lovingly, basking in this new feeling of contentment. "He said that he was glad about the baby… and that you're a good dad."

"He said that?" Nathan's voice was full of awe. He loved that little boy so much and had hoped that JJ would one day consider him his father and eventually call him Dad. To know that it wasn't as far fetched as he sometimes feared lifted his spirits immensely.

"Yeah. Apparently you're the coolest dad ever because you love TMNT" Haley recounted her sons claim with mock seriousness.

Nathan chuckled, knowing that was something that JJ would say.

"Nathan?"

"Yeah."

"What the hell is a TMNT?" He laughed heartily then at the bewildered expression on his girlfriend's face and explained about her son's obsession with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

"God, I'm so happy right now baby. I love you." He nuzzled her neck affectionately and held her close.

"I love you too, and you make me the happiest woman alive."

"I try" he teased before capturing her lips, enjoying just holding her in his arms for the first time in days… and for the first time in a while it felt like everything was going to be okay.


	11. Fragile

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 11 – Fragile**

**A/N: Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, your feedback is really appreciated. We're getting to the serious stuff now which i know is going to be more difficult to write, but i hope to keep updating fairly regularly. Thank you to all my girls who help and encourage me with each update. **

* * *

"Hales" Nathan's sigh drew a small smile from her, wiping off the look of agitation she'd been sporting while trying to reach the last spot of wall she was painting. "Baby, I told you to leave that. I don't want you doing any unnecessary stretching okay? Now come over here and help me figure out how to put this stupid crib together. It's like you need a degree in rocket science just to follow the damn instructions." 

Putting the roller down onto the paint tray, Haley made her way over to the centre of the nursery where Nathan was cursing at the instruction sheet that lay beside him next to an assortment of screws. Standing next to him she let her hand fall to his head, where she softly ran her fingers through his hair in a gesture meant to calm and soothe… and knowing him so well, her actions did just that. He tilted his head up and looked into her eyes, an appreciative smile sent her way.

He knew he was being ridiculous, that if he calmed down and took a few deep breaths he'd be able to figure the damn thing out, but he felt this pressure… not from Haley, or anyone else, but a pressure he had on himself to get this right. He wanted everything to be perfect. Although he didn't think he'd been more excited about anything in his life, Nathan was also terrified. What did he know about being a dad? God, his own father left before he had a chance to know what paternal influence was like… and if he thought he knew little about parenting… well, he knew even less about babies. The one thing he did know was that he loved this baby and he'd never abandon his child the way his father did him.

She could see the myriad of emotions pass over his face and wished she could reassure him that everything was going to be fine. He really had no clue how amazing he was, with her, and JJ… and their baby. He loved the three of them with all his heart and he just needed to realize that was enough. Saying the words wouldn't convince him, so over time she'd just have to show him.

"C'mon. Let's get this rocket built!"

Nathan chuckled and passed the instructional guide over to his girlfriend, fairly certain, and slightly ashamed that she'd probably have it figured out in a couple of minutes. Half an hour later they were both laughing at their failed attempt to attach one of the sides to the base.

"Mom! Nathan! I'm home." JJ's voice carried up the stairs and they smiled at each other hearing the excitement in his voice. He'd been excited all week about starting on the nursery and had begged to stay home from his swimming practice to help, but Haley had quickly reminded him that he was part of a team, and therefore owed it to his teammates to show up. The nursery would be waiting for him when he got home… and yes, they'd make sure they left some important jobs for him to do. Secretly, Nathan and Haley had just been glad that they could get the painting done without him under foot… it would have been disastrous.

"Up in the nursery, sweetie."

The boy's footsteps could be heard as he raced up the stairs to join them. He stopped at the door and pouted adorably. "You painted already!"

Nathan quickly stood up; the two pieces of the crib that they'd awkwardly attempted to assemble falling to the floor with a bang. He and Haley laughed at the evidence of their disastrous attempt to assemble the furniture and he put his hand out to lift her to her feet. JJ joined them, staring down at the assortment of wooden slats and random nuts and bolts before looking up at the adults with a raised eyebrow.

"You really did save the important job for me."

With a look of determination that Nathan recognized as something the boy got from his mother, JJ sat down on the floor, studying the instruction manual carefully. They watched on as he then meticulously sorted all of the nuts and bolts into piles and placed them next to each section of the framework. Sharing a surprised glance, the couple remained silent and watched the boy go to work, and to their amazement, within twenty minutes he'd managed to set it up on his own, only needing their help to hold sections in place as he screwed them together.

JJ looked up at them, his face a mixture of smugness and pride. Haley beamed at him while Nathan squatted down and ruffled his hair. "Would you look at this, Hales? Our boy's a genius."

Taking another glance around the room and pouting once more as he took in the freshly painted yellow walls, JJ turned to the adults. "What else did you leave for me to do? The crib wasn't very hard."

"Don't tell your mom that. She tried to put it together for ages and couldn't do it. I told her she should let me try it, but she thought she could it on her own." Nathan's face was the picture of innocence as he observed Haley's look of indignation. Rather than respond, she simply struck out, shoving him playfully so that he stumbled slightly, before recovering his balance and quickly scooping her up into his arms and spinning around while she squealed for him to put her down. As he placed her on her feet, he kissed her quickly before she could complain or refute his earlier claims to JJ.

"You guys are never gonna stop kissing are you?"

Nathan pulled away from the kiss, and chuckled at the look of disgust on JJ's face before turning back to his girlfriend with a cheeky smile. "Never."

Hearing her son mumble under his breath about how gross it is, Haley gave Nathan another quick kiss before taking JJ's hand and guiding him over to a folder that lay on the floor. She and Nathan had been looking through home décor magazines and at furniture and design websites online, trying to choose the perfect theme for the nursery. They'd had no idea how difficult it would be creating the perfect room for their child, especially when they'd decided not to find out the sex of their baby, instead opting to keep it a surprise.

"Would you like to help us choose the theme for the room?"

JJ nodded enthusiastically before turning to Nathan with an adorable smile that the father-to-be knew spelt trouble. "I think the baby would like a basketball room the best, right Nathan?"

"Well we don't know if it's going to be a boy or a girl, Josh, so we should probably choose something else."

"But you said that it didn't matter if it's a boy or a girl. They'll still learn to play ball... so why can't we choose basketball?"

Haley had to hold back a chuckle while taking in the sight of her eight year old son standing with his hand on his hips, bottom lip protruding in a perfect pout and looking every bit a diva.

"How about we compromise. We can include some basketball things, but we have to use other things as well."

JJ considered the compromise for a moment before agreeing and then flopping down on the floor to flip through all brochures. Almost an hour and many disagreements later, the three of them still sat on the soft, mint green carpet debating the pros and cons for several designs they'd short listed. Josh's head shot up, an excited smile lighting up his face as he called for his mother and Nathan to look at the brochure he'd found.

"See Mom, its perfect."

The two adults studied the picture before them of a border featuring adorable teddy bears participating in all sorts of unisex activities from riding a bike, to painting, to dancing… and of course, playing with a basketball.

Haley nodded her agreement and looked to Nathan for his opinion. "Yep, you're right buddy, it's perfect. Great job, we couldn't have done this without you."

"I know… anyways, I'm the big brother so I have to make sure you guys don't pick something lame." With that parting comment, JJ exited the room.

"God forbid we chose something lame." Haley laughed at her son's behavior, secretly glad that he was now taking so well to the idea of having a baby brother or sister.

* * *

Nathan watched on as JJ dribbled the ball on the court, gracefully outmaneuvering the other boys trying to block his path to the basket. The boy had some serious skills and Nathan knew that if he applied himself, little Josh James had a chance at really making something of himself in the basketball world. He wouldn't push him though. If JJ felt he wanted to go further than simply having fun with the game, then Nathan would be there to support him, but he refused to become a pushy, overbearing parent like the ones he'd seen in high school and even now, as a coach. He was glad that playing the game had always been fun for him… never a chore. To this day he still believed that his love and passion for the game was what made him so good, and was the reason he surpassed other team mates who had had professional trainers and daily training sessions while he relied on his backyard hoop and extra practice in the school gym. Love of the game would always take you further than blind ambition. 

"I want JJ on our team."

Nathan looked towards the group of boys who were currently standing in the middle of the court. They were huddled together and by the tiny pieces of conversation he was hearing, were organizing a team for an impromptu game of basketball.

JJ smiled widely as approached the group, always happy to be included, especially when it came to his favorite sport.

"But it's a father-son game. JJ doesn't have a dad to play with. Pick someone else."

Nathan's heart froze at the words and his gaze slid across to JJ who had stopped still, visibly upset by the comment. Rather than sulk, the young boys chin tilted upwards in defiance, a sight that made Nathan unspeakably proud. "I can play."

The other boys looked at him anxiously, obviously not wanting to hurt his feelings. "But you need your dad to play with you. Your dad isn't here."

Dribbling the ball, JJ closed the distance between himself and the group, his foot resting on the ball to keep it from rolling away. "No, but Nathan is. He's like my dad."

The group shared curious glances before the unofficial leader spoke up again. "Can he play ball?"

JJ smirked, nodding his head. "Of course he can. He coaches the Ravens!"

"Cool."

The boy glanced over meeting Nathan's eyes and smiled before rushing over to tell him the good news. He could tell he had no idea that he'd heard every word, and Nathan struggled to compose himself as he remembered the way JJ had so casually stated that he was like his dad. They weren't quite there yet, but Nathan had hoped that one day in the not too distant future, JJ would consider him his father, as he already considered JJ his son.

"Do you really coach the Raven's?"

The group had followed JJ over to the side of the court and one of the boys looked up at the man in awe. Nathan smiled at the group who were obviously impressed by the information. From the corner of his eyes he could see JJ watching on proudly, very pleased that they all thought Nathan was so cool.

"Yep. I sure do."

"Wow. Did you used to play for the Ravens too?"

"Were you good?"

"Did you play in the NBA?"

Nathan smiled bemusedly as the questions were fired far too quickly for him to answer. Holding up his hands in a gesture for the boys to stop, and was about to respond before JJ did it for him.

"… And my Uncle Lucas, Nathan's brother, plays in the NBA."

"That's so cool JJ. Do you wanna be captain this game?"

Nathan smiled as the boys made their way over to a bench where they started to get ready for the game. Nathan found himself being called over to a group of older men who introduced themselves as 'Team Dad'.

"Coach Scott, right?"

Chuckling, Nathan held out his hand. "Yeah, but you can call me Nathan."

"I'm Mike White. You coach my eldest son Brandon."

"Wow, Brandon's your son? He's a great kid, Mike. If he keeps up his grades he's looking at a real shot for a scholarship next year."

"Well, he never stops talking about you. I've been meaning to come down to the school and introduce myself, but I've been working a lot lately and haven't had time. I'm glad I could meet you today."

"Same here."

"I didn't know little JJ was your boy. Never knew Haley was married either…" upon seeing Nathan's enquiring look, obviously wondering how he knew Haley, the other man continued, "My wife Sally knows Haley because she teaches our daughter Melissa at the Junior High."

"Oh, okay. Well we're not married… yet. Haley and I met about a year ago and we do live together. We're actually expecting a baby in about five month's time."

Mike patted him on the back and grinned widely. "Congratulations. So, is this your first?"

"Yeah, and I'm nervous as hell."

"Ah, don't be. Babies are easy, the hard part comes when they get older, and from what I can see, you've got a way with JJ, so I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Thanks Mike. Right now I'm more concerned with how we're gonna let these boys win, without making it obvious."

"Yeah, well it's easier for the rest of us… we don't have to live up to the same expectations."

"God, don't remind me." Nathan shook his head chuckling at the memory of the boys thinking he was best thing since Michael Jordan.

"I was actually a fan of yours back when you used to play for the Ravens. That championship game was one of the best I've ever seen."

"Yeah, playing for that team definitely holds some of my fonder memories. I'm sure I'll still be thinking of my 'glory days' when I'm old and grey."

"Do you miss it? Playing, I mean?"

Nathan considered this for a moment. A part of him did miss it; the adrenalin rush he'd get while playing the game he loves, but he didn't miss the pressure that came along with it. Looking at Mike, he could see the guy knew his history and that he'd turned down the Duke scholarship… but surprisingly he could find no trace of pity, something he'd become accustomed to seeing.

"Sometimes I miss it, but I love what I do. Coaching is definitely very fulfilling." He honestly believed that. There had been times when he'd questioned why his dream had been taken away from him, leaving him to settle for something else… but that feeling of settling had disappeared and he now knew that the life of an NBA star wouldn't have satisfied him. The game could only keep him happy for so long… it was everything else that mattered; his family and friends. If things had been different he probably wouldn't have met Haley and JJ, and that thought was too terrible to ponder.

"I know you went through a bad time and had to make some hard decisions… but you're a great coach and those boys really look up to you. I just figure that everything happened how it was supposed to, you know?"

Nathan nodded and smiled at the other man who he had a feeling could become a good friend. Their conversation was soon stopped short as the younger boys hollered out for their dad's to drag their 'ancient butts' out onto the court.

"We'd better get to it. Do you need your walking frame old man?" Nathan laughed while avoiding Mike's playful shove before they both joined the other fathers and sons already on the court and trying to psyche each other out.

* * *

"Hey, Haley. How are you? How's the baby?" 

The blonde smiled at Jake as he took a seat on the picnic rug beside her. Nathan and JJ were playing the Father-Son basketball match on the court in front of them, which had her grinning like the Cheshire Cat, and Jenny had begged Brooke to go with her to the face painting stall after they'd told her they couldn't do butterflies on her cheeks. She'd taken the brunette over there so she could 'show them how it's done'. Haley smiled thinking how Brooke may not be Jenny's mother, but the girl was becoming more and more like her every day… poor Jake had his hands full.

"Hi Jake. We're good. Really, really good."

"Yeah, well pregnancy suits you Haley. You look amazing… and happy. The same thing goes for Nathan. I don't think I've ever seen him this happy. And it's so great to see you all having fun together again."

She smiled widely, rubbing her slightly distended belly affectionately. It didn't surprise her that Jake had noticed their happiness, it seemed that no matter what they did over the last couple of weeks, there was always a smile on their faces, the anticipation of the baby and their new life together as a family bringing joy into their lives.

"I can't describe it Jake. I just feel like after all the terrible times I've had… and I know Nathan's had them too, that everything is falling into place for us. I never dreamed that I'd have my happily ever after, you know? I was never even tempted to date after my marriage ended, and as far as I knew there was no chance of having another child after the chemotherapy caused complications…" she wiped away tear that had fallen and smiled at him through glossy eyes, "and now I have a man that I love more than anything, who loves me and my son. And we're having a baby. It's just like this miracle, Jake. I still don't know what I did to deserve it."

"I do." He leaned over and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her into his chest. "You're a wonderful person, Haley James. You're an amazing mother, a wonderful girlfriend and a perfect friend. Everyone loves you."

She and Jake had been friends for years now, meeting through Karen when Haley had first arrived in Tree Hill as a young single mother. The older woman had known that the two would get along and had a lot in common, and within no time they had become great friends and helped each other out with their children. Brooke may be her best friend, but that didn't detract from the special bond she had with Jake. It really meant a lot to know that he thought so much of her, because she definitely thought the world of him. The way he'd stepped up and taken responsibility of his daughter at such a young age and raised her by himself… at least until Brooke had come along. He was the opposite of the selfish, irresponsible Mitchell, and she held him in the highest esteem.

"How have you been Jake? Did you find out about the possible promotion at work?"

Jake smiled and nodded his head. He had been working for an accounting firm in Tree Hill since he finished studying at the local community college. It was sometimes hard for people to imagine Jake in such a stereotypically boring industry, but he had a knack for numbers, and although it may not have been his dream when growing up, his life changed dramatically when he became a father, and rather than being a rock star, he had grown to love his day job and instead, enjoyed performing the odd gig around town when he got the chance.

"One of the partners is definitely retiring, so with the shuffling of jobs, I'm hoping to move into management. If I do it will mean more flexible hours and better benefits which would be great. There are definitely a few things I'd like to save up for and the extra money will help.

She couldn't help her mind from immediately asking the question of whether a wedding was one of those things. Haley pulled away and studied him carefully, feeling the strength to ask him what she'd wanted to for a couple of months now.

"Jake. Can I ask you something?"

He smiled, obviously missing the seriousness in her tone. "Sure."

"Is everything okay?"

"What do you mean?" He eyed her questioningly, obviously hesitant to hear her meaning.

"I just wondered if maybe something was bothering you, or you've got something going on that you might want to talk about. Brooke's my best friend, but you're my friend too and I hope you know you can always talk to me."

"Everything's fine Haley. I really don't' know why you'd think otherwise."

The mention of his fiancé and possible problems in the same sentence had him tensing and it was like the shutters closed on his face, his smile disappearing as well as the warmth from his eyes. He no longer met her gaze, instead looking at a point beyond her shoulder, appearing to be deep in thought. Although his face was firm like granite, she could see the play of emotions in his eyes.

This stalemate was ridiculous, especially when it was obvious that they loved each other so much. Maybe it wasn't her place. Maybe she should just keep out of it, but a part of her felt that they just needed a little push. She placed her hand over his and waited for him to meet her eyes, asking the question she hoped wouldn't make him angry with her. "Why haven't you married Brooke yet?"

Pulling his hand away abruptly, he looked down at the rug beneath them. "It just hasn't been the right time yet." He tried for a casual tone of voice, but failed, his words seemingly tight and clipped.

Reaching for his hand again, Haley grasped it tightly but reassuringly, letting him know that she was concerned but wasn't judging him. "We both know that's not true, Jake. And Brooke knows it too." She could see his sharp intake of breath and noticed the flush of guilt as he looked down, shaking his head slightly. "She loves you and Jenny more than life itself, but… but if you're not sure about marrying her; if you're having doubts then you need to make a decision Jake, because she's in it for the long haul. She's in it for forever, and every plan she makes, every dream she has now revolves around you and Jenny and…"

He quickly cut her off, his denial strong and sincere. "No! I love her, Haley. I can't imagine my life without her."

She sighed with relief, not only because it was what she'd wanted to hear, but after uttering the words, she realized it probably wasn't her place to say anything and if she had caused the beginning of the end for their relationship… she'd feel guilty as hell.

The question hovered unspoken between them; he trying to form the words and she waiting anxiously, yet patiently to hear them. But before he had the chance to explain to Haley why he'd been putting of the wedding, they heard the woman in question.

"Would you look at your fabulous daughter?! Those people call them selves face painters… ha! They ain't got nothing on me. I'm an artiste."

Jenny giggled, throwing herself at her father and sending them both toppling backwards. Haley watched as Brooke joined them on the rug, a smile twitching at her mouth, but unable to fully form. There was something going on with Jake, and she just hoped that he'd either discuss the problem with Brooke or sort it out for himself before he did some serious damage to their relationship. He had a chance at the perfect life with the woman of his dreams and a family that was truly amazing… but like all families, they were fragile and needed to be taken care of. She could only hope he realized that before it was too late.

"Mom! Mom!"

Haley grinned widely as she saw Nathan walking over to them with JJ on his shoulders, the boy waving excitedly.

"We won. We beat the oldies!"

"Watch it buddy or I'll drop you." Nathan growled playfully.

"No you won't 'cause then mom would be mad and you'd be in the doghouse."

Everyone laughed at JJ's remark before Nathan made a show of putting him down gently. Once back on the ground, JJ hugged his mother before Jenny grabbed his hand and took him off to get his face painted.

"Did you have fun babe?" Haley asked as Nathan sat behind her, pulling her back to rest against his chest.

"Yeah, I did. Sorry I left you for so long."

"It's okay. I've had a wonderfully relaxing day just sitting here eating. You'll probably have to roll me home!" Nathan chuckled before tilting her chin so that his lips could meet hers in a tender kiss. "I will not have to roll you home… and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. I'd still love you and want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life."

"Is that so?"

Her husky whisper sent a jolt of desire coursing through him. "We need to get out of here."

"Oh God, would you two get a room already?" Brooke smirked at the look of embarrassment on her friend's face. And Haley accused her of being the sex-crazed one! "Why don't you two take off? We'll drop JJ home after dinner."

Nathan required no further persuading, and quickly stood up, helping Haley get to her feet. "Thanks cookie, I owe you one." Nathan shouted as they started to walk away, knowing that she hated anyone but Jenny calling her by that nickname.

"I told you not to call me that, Scott!!!" Brooke yelled after him, trying not to smile.

Jake pulled her into his side and kissed her forehead. "You know you love it, babe. Teasing each other is one of your favorite past times."

"You're right. It's always been that way and I don't see it ever changing. God, it used to drive Luke crazy… thankfully Haley just ignores it."

She snuggled further into his embrace, oblivious to the way his smile faltered at the mention of the other Scott brother. He just had to remember that Luke was a part of her past, not her future. She loved him, wanted to marry him and the only thing that was likely to change that was his own stupid insecurities.

"I love you, Brooke."

She looked up at him warily, noting the odd intensity in his words. "I know. I love you too."

* * *

Karen placed the washing she'd just folded into a neat pile on the table and made her way over to the front door wondering who would be visiting at such a late hour. Pushing down a moment of panic, she reminded herself that as a mother she was always bound to worry that a late night call or visit could be a police officer with bad news about Lucas or one of the other people in her life she considered family. 

Looking through the keyhole, she was shocked to find a disheveled looking Haley. The blonde woman stood on the porch, her hair wet and hanging in a tangled mess around her face, her eyes unfocused and bleary with tears. She opened the door, frightfully worried about what could have her in such a state.

"Haley?"

The young woman flung her self into Karen's arms, holding on to her like a lifeline, sobs wracking her body.

"Oh, honey. You're scaring me. Please tell me what's wrong… is it JJ? Nathan?" The blonde simply shook her head, unable to form the words. "Oh God, is it the baby?"

She still didn't get an answer, but Haley's crying soon became heaving sobs, working herself up to the point were she was gasping for breath. Karen stroked her hair gently, desperately trying to calm her down, worried not only for Haley's well being but the baby's. "You need to calm down, honey. Just take some deep breaths for me okay."

Haley started to calm a little under Karen's soothing influence and her sobs died down to silent tears. She pulled out of her friend's warm, maternal embrace and looked into her eyes. Try as she might, she just couldn't focus. Everything was a blur. The world was spinning out of her control and she didn't know how to stop it.

"Karen." Her name sounded like a plea for help and the anguish in Haley's voice, cut through Karen's heart like a knife; a chill settling into her bones that had nothing do with the cool night air. "I can't do this, Karen. I'm not strong enough."

Closing her eyes to ward off the tears that were building, Karen pulled the broken woman back into her arms; the woman who she had for years now, considered a daughter. Soon, she would get Haley to open up and tell her what was so devastatingly wrong, but for now, just for a few minutes, she wanted to hold her and love her and keep her safe. Later they could deal with reality, but for now she'd pretend that she could fix whatever problems arose, protect Haley from whatever demons she had to face.

At least once in a person's life they experience that feeling; the feeling that everything is about to change, and the world as they know it… the world they love, is coming to an end. In her short life Haley had already experienced it once before… and the second time around was even more frightening.


	12. Numb

**Title: Holding On To Hope**

**Summary: Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 12 – Numb**

**A/N: The reviews for last chapter were really great guys. Thank you. I know a lot of you are very worried about what's coming up, but I hope you trust me not to let you down. Anyways, this chapter was really, really intense to write and I hope you enjoy it.**

**Thank you to Dawn (BabbleBaby) for the countless hours she spent holding my hand through this update and to Bec (pinkythesupergirl) and Kris (aka Tulip) for their wonderful support. Also, a big, big thank you to Elena (Typokween) for taking the time to beta this update for me. **

* * *

As she stared silently out the passenger window, rain pouring down around them, Haley couldn't believe it was only a few short hours ago that she'd been standing under the blissfully warm water of her shower, the rivulets trickling down the same paths that Nathan's tender hands had traveled as they made love that afternoon. In just a few short hours her life had been turned upside down.

Nathan surreptitiously glanced at her from the corner of his eye, watching for any sign; any hint of what might be troubling her. He'd found it odd when she'd raced out of the house earlier asking him to watch JJ, but figured she simply had an errand to run… however when she hadn't returned home within a couple of hours he'd started to worry. That worry turned to panic as he found her phone was switched off and she wasn't returning his messages. All sorts of scenarios flashed through his mind, from being stranded with a broken down car, to the nightmarish possibility of a car accident. Then Karen had called and the relief he'd felt at knowing that Haley was safe, was soon overpowered by worry again as he took in the strain in Karen's voice and the odd request to pick Haley up even though she already had her car. When she'd told him to bring JJ to stay the night, he knew it must be bad.

She couldn't look at him. Not when she knew she was about to cause him so much pain. It would be bad enough telling anyone her news, but Nathan… God, why did this have to happen to them? They didn't deserve this. He especially didn't deserve this. A fresh batch of tears built up within her and she tried unsuccessfully to blink them back, all the time wondering how it was possible for her to cry any more than she already had that evening. With a loud crash of thunder and a bright strike of lightening that eerily lit up the road before them, the heavens opened and a deluge of rain poured down upon them. Nathan turned the wipers on to the highest setting and she stared, watching them move from left to right, left to right, a hypnotizing rhythm that along with the heavy flow of rain took her back to the moment that had rocked her world. She remembered that moment from only hours ago and wished it were just a dream.

Standing underneath the hot, almost scalding water, Haley smiled to herself as she thought about the day's events. She had been so proud of her son when he'd won his swimming relay during his school's activity day, and she'd never forget how wonderful it had been to see him and Nathan so close after their Father/Son game of basketball. It had been a Godsend when Brooke offered to watch JJ for a few hours and had given the young couple a chance to spend some quality alone time together, something that had been in short supply over the last few weeks. Oh and how could she ever forget the way she and her lover had made sweet, passionate love all afternoon, worshipping each other's bodies and joining in silent gratitude for the family they'd made together?

"Try not to use all the hot water baby. I need to get clean too. You gave me a thorough work out today." Haley giggled at his remark, knowing it was true. She was exhausted by their lovemaking. Normally they'd shower together, but JJ had just come home and their alone time was now official over, the two boys getting ready to play video games.

"I'll try, but I can't promise anything… I'm used having you in here to help me, so it might take a bit longer to get to those hard to reach places."

Nathan groaned as her words carried over the sound of the running water, almost like the purr of a cat. "Minx!"

After letting herself simply enjoy the pressure of the hot water beating down upon her skin, Haley washed and conditioned her hair before reaching for her one extravagant skin care item, a ridiculously expensive body wash. She'd never been one to fuss with face creams and miracle gels for anti-aging, but always pampered herself with a luxurious body wash that made her skin silky smooth. When she'd told him how much one bottle cost, Nathan's jaw had dropped and he'd chastised her for wasting her money, but when she reminded him that he reaped the rewards of her well cared for skin… he soon shut up.

Using the loofah, she massaged the body wash into her skin, kneading any particularly stiff muscles along the way. Finding her breasts to be extremely sensitive during her pregnancy, Haley hung the loofah back in its place and gently massaged them, careful of her nipples, still overly sensitive from Nathan's earlier ministrations. She'd almost finished and was thinking about what to prepare for her and Nathan's dinner - because they'd skipped it earlier, choosing instead to stay in bed together - when she froze, her heart stopping and her mind racing with what she recognized as fear.

It had to be a mistake so she checked again, only to find that she wasn't mistaken at all. Just below her armpit on her right breast was a lump. She swallowed nervously as her fingers gently kneaded the flesh around the suspect area, hoping that she'd simply imagined it. Nope, still there. As her breathing sped up and she felt the walls of the shower closing in around her, Haley backed into the corner to steady herself, knowing she was having a panic attack. She suffered from them frequently during her battle with cervical cancer six years earlier and if she didn't want to fall and hurt herself, she had to get onto the floor voluntarily.

Sliding down against the still warm tiles of the shower Haley tried to even out her breathing and get herself under control. It was possible that the lump was simply a milk duct forming earlier than usual or something else pregnancy related… maybe it had nothing to do with cancer. Just because the chance of her getting breast cancer was greater than that of any other woman who hadn't had the disease before, didn't mean anything. God, who was she kidding? She felt it; felt it down to her bones.

"Hales? You almost done, baby? I've fixed us some dinner when you're ready."

And that one simple, yet typically thoughtful gesture from Nathan had her already cracked composure shattering. Although it was impossible to tell the tears from the now cool water washing down over her, Haley could feel the stinging in her eyes and fought back the sobs that threatened to take over. She couldn't do this. She couldn't break down in front of her family. When she told Nathan, she had to be calm and in control because he would need her. This was going to devastate him and the last thing she wanted him to worry about was keeping her together. And JJ… there was no way she would scare her little boy like that. No, she'd have to wrap her head around this, and what he was going to do, away from them.

Quickly exiting the shower, Haley dried herself off and changed into some clean clothing before grabbing her purse off the dresser. Without letting Nathan or her son see the state she was in, she called out to them that she'd back soon and jumped in her car headed straight for the one person she knew she could lean on.

"Hales. Hales. Baby, we're home"

Feeling her boyfriend's firm yet gentle grip on her shoulder, Haley was shaken out of her memories and found herself looking into his eyes that were filled with worry, fear and confusion. She attempted a shaky smile and got out of the car, hoping her movements appeared normal, because she felt as though she weren't in control of her own body; that she were floating somewhere outside of herself hiding from the reality of the situation.

Nathan watched her walk stiffly up the driveway and followed behind, wishing he could reach out and guide her, but strangely terrified to touch her. She looked so weak, so fragile and it was obvious that she was hanging on to her control by a thread. He honestly had no idea how he was being so calm and patient when all he wanted to do was pull her to him and make her tell him what was going on.

Closing the front door behind him softly, Nathan turned and leant back against it, his eyes closed, trying to get a grasp on his emotions. There was a strange clenching in his heart; Fear. He was a strong man, a man who had been through a lot in his short life, and he wasn't scared of anything. He could take on the world; deal with anything life threw at him… except this; this fear that was crippling him on the inside. Haley was his world and the possibility of anything happening to her was enough to send icy cold terror running through his veins.

After a few deep breaths he opened his and was confused to find Haley standing before him, her back turned, spine straight just staring ahead as though in a trance. Approaching her slowly, he reached out a hand to touch her but let it drop to his side, terrified of frightening her out of the trancelike state she seemed to have sunk into. It was surreal, standing only an arm's length behind her, completely silent, heart aching to reach out but mind warning against it. He stood like that for long moments until he noticed her sway slightly and his arms were wrapped around her waist instantly, pulling her back against his chest, supporting her when she couldn't support herself.

"Nathan?" she whispered weakly, twisting her neck around to look at him, but with her eyes glazed over so thoroughly he knew she wasn't really seeing him at all.

"Yeah, baby. I'm right here. Just let me take care of you."

He scooped her up, one arm under her knees, the other behind her back and prompted her to wrap her arms around his neck. She felt like nothing in his arms, light as a feather and he didn't know if it was his imagination or simply the adrenalin running through him, urging him on to take care of his woman when he knew if she didn't need him right then he'd be falling apart.

He deposited her on the edge of their bed and squatted in front of her, reaching out to tuck her hair behind her ears. She still hadn't said anything and he was beyond worried; had no idea what to do in this situation. Maybe Karen was wrong in calling him, telling him that he was what she needed tonight. Maybe he should have left her in the capable hand of the woman they both loved like a mother. He looked into her eyes staring back at him and knew she was looking right through him. It sent a shiver running down his spine.

Kissing her forehead tenderly, Nathan moved over to the dresser, taking out a fresh pair of panties and a tank top she often wore to bed. He returned to her and with minimal prompting she lifted her arms so that he could remove her top before they dropped limply to her sides once again. Her bra came off next before he quickly pulled the tank top over her head and she slowly pushed her arms through the holes, automatically, mechanically like she was on autopilot. He removed her shoes, sock, pants and underwear and helped her into a fresh pair.

Taking her hands and rubbing smooth circles on her palms, Nathan once again squatted down in front of her and looked into her eyes. He called her name softly while repeating the motion of his thumbs against her soft skin, trying to draw her out; out of this shell she seemed to be hiding in. Looking at her then, that's what Nathan saw. Not his Haley, but the shell of the woman he loved. As the life came back into her eyes, he knew she'd snapped out of her daze and he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Baby, can you hear me?"

He watched as her eyes flooded with sorrow and her lower lip trembled before she began sobbing, and he almost wished she could go back to the place she'd just come from; a place where she could escape whatever it was that haunted her.

Haley felt groggy, as though she'd just woken up from a deep sleep and took in her surroundings as well as Nathan's concerned face. She was sitting on their bed in her underwear and she had no idea how she'd gotten there. Trying to think back to the last thing she remember doing, Haley saw them in the car, Nathan telling her they were home before she got out of and walked into the house. But that was it… nothing else. She sighed knowing that she'd withdrawn into herself to avoid feeling what she was feeling now… pain, despair, helplessness… and guilt.

"I'm sorry, Nathan. I'm so sorry." The blond wept before throwing her arms around her boyfriend's neck, hugging him tightly and he hugged her right back, standing up and taking her with him so that her feet left the floor.

"Shhh. Shhh. It's okay."

They stayed like that, clinging to each other desperately, for long minutes until her sobbing subsided and he pulled away to watch her carefully.

"Do you want to go to sleep?"

Yes! She'd love to go to sleep. Curl up with him under the covers and forget the world existed… but she couldn't. She'd had her time to hide; her little breakdown and now it was time to gather her strength and be there for him the way he'd been there for her. She shook her head and attempted a smile.

"No. I think we should talk."

"We don't have to Hales. Of course I'm worried and I'm dying to know what's going on… but what's more important here is you. I just want to make sure you're okay and that the baby is okay. Everything else can wait."

"Okay. Lie with me?"

Nathan nodded before kissing her lips softly and maneuvering them onto the bed. He pulled her tight against his chest, savoring the feel of her heart beating in time with his own as his hands soothing ran up and down her back. Haley sighed, knowing that she should put him out of his misery and tell him what was wrong, but the temptation to simply close her eyes and let sleep overtake her… to put off this discussion with Nathan for a little bit longer, was too great.

Her eyes fluttered open a couple of hours later to find Nathan watching her, but unlike all the other times she'd woken this way, his face was etched with worry lines rather than those caused from his sexy smile. He attempted a smile, but it faltered quickly and she knew he hadn't slept at all. Did she really expect him to when he had no idea what was wrong?

"Nathan. I want to tell you what's going on."

She felt him stiffen beside her and knew that even though he was dying to hear what she had to say, it was pretty obvious from earlier events that he wasn't going to like it. The guilt tore at her. God, what he must be thinking! All sorts of possibilities must have run through his mind since Karen's call and he'd waited patiently, taking care of her when he would have been worried that something was wrong with her or the baby. Thoughts of the baby and what this could mean for their child almost had her losing it again, but she pushed the fear aside and pulled away so that she could look into his eyes.

"I…" she sighed heavily and squeezed her eyes shut searching for the right way to do this, wondering if there even was a right way to break this news to him. "I don't know how to do this."

"I just need to ask. The baby… is the baby okay?" She could see he was waiting with bated breath and even though she didn't know if the baby would continue to be okay, she quickly assured him that their child was fine.

"Okay. Well if you don't think you can jump into it, how about you just start from the beginning. You seemed fine today and then tonight you ran off to Karen's. What happened?"

She nodded her head, psyching herself up to give him all the details, but found she couldn't bring herself to recount the incident, the way she felt and how she reacted. Instead she looked at him steadily, pulling on all her strength.

"Nathan. I found a lump." She closed her eyes, holding back the tears stinging her eyes as she saw the horror filled expression on his face and heard his quick intake of breath.

The room was silent, eerily so for a few moments before he spoke. "A lump? As in a lump on your breast?"

Anyone else hearing the calm way in which he was addressing the issue would have assumed he was handling the news well, but she knew Nathan and this wasn't good. Tears or cursing would be preferred to the calm reaction which she was certain signaled he was going to withdraw into himself and take the burden of his worries upon himself rather than sharing them with her. She knew it was his way of protecting her and watching out for her, but she wanted to deal with it together. She didn't want him to pretend to be okay. This was surely killing him; reliving the feeling of being helpless as someone you love tells you they're sick.

Even though she didn't believe it herself, Haley knew she had to go for the 'best case scenario' angle here. The pain she saw in his eyes was breaking her heart and she had to do something. "It was a shock, Nathan… but now that I've had time to calm down, I realize how silly I've been. I mean, it could be anything. I'm pregnant and my breasts are going to change throughout the rest of the pregnancy… it's probably something to do with that. I'm sure I got myself worked up for no reason."

He released a slightly shaky breath and pulled her closer to him, her head tucking into the nook of his shoulder. "Yeah. I'm sure it's nothing. Everything's gonna be fine."

They were both lying, but for different reasons. He, trying to convince himself that everything was fine because it's what he wanted to believe, and she, knowing that her words were false, but desperate to ease her lover's pain. Haley would shoulder as much of this burden on her own as she could. They'd both been through hell before and she didn't understand why they were being punished like this… but Nathan still hadn't coped with his mother's death, and for her to suffer the exact same illness – for Nathan to relive that devastating time, it just wasn't fair and she would do everything in her power to make it easier on him.

Nathan felt the panic welling up inside of him and struggled to keep his composure. No matter how much she claimed to believe that it was probably nothing, there was a sliver of fear visible in her eyes; identical to the fear he'd witnessed in his mother's eyes when she'd told him of her own illness. He'd been strong then, taking her in his arms and promising he'd help her through it; help her beat it… well a fat lot of good that did either of them because she was dead and he was here back in the same place again. No, that wasn't true. It wasn't the same place… it was worse. Losing his mother had been pure unadulterated hell, but he knew; knew with everything inside himself, that if he lost Haley he'd never recover. When Deb had died he'd felt an immense loss, like a part of himself was missing, and for a while there he didn't know what to do to get through the pain and move on, but he had. This was different. He wouldn't be losing a part of himself… he would lose himself. Period. There would be no moving on and getting through it. No learning to enjoy life again and finding someone new. There was no one else for him. Haley was his world and without her… there was nothing.

God, how could he be thinking these things? She'd just told him she'd found a lump and now he's thinking about how he would cope with her death? Guilt washed over him and settled itself in his heart. He would not wallow, he would not cry, he would not show any sign of weakness or doubt. Haley needed him to be strong for her and it was the least he could do after everything she'd done for him; everything she'd brought into his life.

"I'm so sorry"

Her words so full of sadness and regret pulled him out of his reverie and he looked into her eyes as she tenderly traced the contours of his face with her soft fingers. He pulled on all the strength he could and gave her a warm smile, taking her hand within his own and placing a loving kiss on her palm.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Hales. You have every right to be scared, even though I'm positive it's a false alarm… and you don't know how much it means to me that you could come to me about this." They both knew the unspoken message being, that considering how poorly he dealt with the loss of his mother, she would have had every right to worry about confiding in him. "You're gonna be fine baby. I won't let anything happen to you."

She kissed him them. A desperately passionate kiss that told him all the things she couldn't express with words in that moment. There were so many things she wanted to tell him… how much he meant to her; how much his support meant to her but she knew she'd end up crying again. Even in the midst of this scary crisis she felt hope, a hope that hadn't been there last time. She'd been so alone before, so unsure of everything… and so very afraid. But this time, with Nathan by her side she felt as though she could do this. Her breakdown earlier had been fuelled by panic, and she realized now that she had no need to be worried about having the strength to get through this again… because it was different this time. She didn't have to be strong enough to get through it alone because she had Nathan giving her strength. By just being there and loving her he was giving her strength and hope.

"You should get some more sleep babe. It's been a rough night and all this stress isn't good for you or the baby."

His mention of the baby sent a bolt of fear through both their hearts. It was unavoidable. This child, their miracle child was already a part of them and their family. Loved by them as if the tiny being had already made its entrance into the world as it had their hearts. The thought of losing that part of them now was devastating. Nathan inwardly winced, knowing that just after his success of calming her down, he had caused more tension. The shift was almost imperceptible, but there was a glimmer in her eyes and stiffness in her body that hadn't been there moments before. Pulling her closer to him, he kissed her forehead and placed a hand lovingly on her belly. "Our baby is going to be fine. Both of you are. I promise."

She knew he had no right to promise it, but hearing his words spoken with such conviction worked as he'd wanted them to and she relaxed against him, nuzzling his neck and wishing she could stay there forever where nothing could ever touch her. For months she'd reveled in the fact that for the first time in a long time she had somewhere where she felt safe… in his arms. She felt it then, as he held her tightly against his chest, a blanket of darkness surrounding them… but in the back of her mind she knew that with the rising of the sun, that security blanket would be ripped away and so would the illusion of safety. Reality would sink in once more. But for now, just for tonight she'd allow herself to pretend.

Nathan sighed with relief as he felt her breathing even out and he knew sleep had claimed her. Relief soon faded however and another, darker emotion overtook him as he realized that worrying about Haley and trying to get her to sleep had kept his own fears at bay. But now, now that he lay there in the dark holding her close to him, a sense of fear, helplessness and frustration took hold.

Careful not to wake her, Nathan slipped quietly from the bed and from their room, stopping in the doorway to watch her for a moment and noticed her silhouette showing a seemingly peaceful woman without a care in the world. He thought it funny how the night could do that; could put a different slant on things and hide the truth. He made his way downstairs needing some space, unable to watch her any longer without crying. Slumping down on the edge of the sofa, he let his head fall into his hands as he struggled to sort his thoughts and emotions.

Feeling something sharp digging into his thigh, Nathan realized he'd sat on a hand control for JJ's video game. Holding the familiar object in his hand had his thought's immediately turning to the eight year old. The shock of the evening had caused him to fret over the welfare of his girlfriend and baby, and meanwhile he'd overlooked the little boy he'd left with Karen. God, he loved JJ as if he were his own son, but if something happened to Haley could he ever be enough for him? Nathan didn't want to think about what the boy would go through if he lost his mother. He knew the pain it would cause. Sometimes it amazed Nathan how much his life paralleled with JJ's; their fathers leaving and their mothers… no, he couldn't think it. It had been hard enough for him losing Deb at eighteen, but to lose a mother at such a young age, especially after being abandoned by his father would be devastating for JJ.

Upstairs he'd promised to be strong for her - positive, hopeful and strong. Everything Mitchell had failed to be. She would not go through that again. But down here in the darkness of their living room which had always seemed so homey with the old, comfortable sofa, JJ's Transformers bean bag, family pictures scattered everywhere along with the boy's video games he never managed to put away no matter how many times he was reminded. Only now it seemed empty. Dark and empty. It felt almost like he was being taunted with a glimpse of what could possibly be his future – dark and empty.

Standing abruptly, Nathan made his way into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of scotch and a glass and sat at the kitchen table, hoping that he could find some comfort in the place where they happily shared their meals each evening; a place where they would laugh and joke and share stories about their days. He took a swig of the amber liquid and grimaced as it burned its way down his throat. It felt good. He took another swig. It felt even better. Emptying the glass, Nathan lifted the bottle and refilled it to the top this time, almost letting the scotch overflow. Staring at the liquor he was suddenly transported back to the night his mother died; a night he'd always be ashamed of.

"What'll it be?"

Nathan smirked at the bartender, unashamedly leering at her breasts which were practically spilling out of her top. He knew it was crass, but she was putting them out there so he was gonna look.

"Scotch. Straight up."

"Sure thing Handsome." She smiled flirtatiously, obviously liking what she saw. Nathan had almost forgotten what it was like to flirt, having spent the last 3 months home every night with his mom, making sure she was kept occupied, and more recently just making sure she was comfortable as she seemed to be getting worse every day. He would have been home with her again tonight, but she'd insisted that he take a night off and live a little. He'd protested, but Deb Scott was a stubborn, determined woman… and her son had never been able to say no to her.

He openly checked her out again as she served a few other customers, taking in her skin-tight jeans, black boots and long, wavy black hair. There was no doubt about it. This chick was fucking hot. As the night progressed he plied himself with more alcohol and Sidney, the bartender, made her interest very obvious. He'd hung around until closing and without a word, she took his hand and led him out to her car before driving him back to her apartment where he fucked her senseless, taking out all his pain, his anger, his frustration on her. Not that she was complaining. Seemed Miss Sidney liked it hard, fast and dirty. He knew it was good sex, he'd come and come hard but he was numb. He didn't feel anything and he soon passed out.

A few hours later he woke up to find her sprawled all over him and he had to fight back the urge to vomit. He didn't want to be there. He shouldn't be there. He should be home with his mother, not out banging a bar slut. Quickly dressing and grabbing his wallet and phone, Nathan made his way out of the apartment and went to call a cab. He was surprised to see seven missed calls. It hit him like a ton of bricks that something was wrong – seriously wrong and listening to Karen's distraught message telling him to meet them at the hospital, he could no longer fight the nausea that had been plaguing him since he woke up. Right there in the middle of the street he emptied his stomach, heaving and gasping for breath as sweat formed on his brow.

It was still relatively dark, with light only starting to appear on the horizon and he struggled to find a street sign, needing a location for the cab company. Finally he found one and called for a cab which arrived quickly and took him to the hospital. Only, he'd been too late. Karen's ashen face filled with sorrow and pity told him what he'd been praying not to hear… that his mother had died. His mother had died while he'd been out drinking and screwing around. Even as Karen had taken him in her arms he hadn't cried, not allowing himself to. He couldn't. He was too ashamed. That was the moment guilt began eating away at him and even though it gradually got better over time, he'd never truly forgiven himself for that night.

Snapping out of his memories, Nathan eyed the glass before him with disdain and quickly emptied it in the sink along with the rest of the bottle. No matter how much he wanted to numb the pain, no matter how much better he knew he would feel - he wouldn't do it again. He would not let down the person he loved by being selfish and weak. Haley needed him. She needed him not only to be there, but to be capable of helping her and reassuring her. She could not wake up alone. Lifting his chin with determination he dropped the bottle in the garbage and steadily made his way back up to their room.


	13. No Place Like Home

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 13** – No place like home

**A/N:** Thank you all for being so patient with me as I struggle through this little bit of writer's block I seem to be having with this story. Your comments have been so great and are very much appreciated. Also a big thank you to Dawn, Bec and Kris for their wonderful suppor_t._

**_P.S. If you haven't already, I'd love it if you checked out my new story 'Little White Lies'. (shameless plugging, i know!) It's very different to this story and being able to write something a lot more lighthearted is a bit of a holiday from all this angst._**

* * *

"Haley James?" 

The nurse noticed the couple immediately as their heads shot up upon hearing her call, their posture rigid and fingers laced together like a vise. She couldn't help but notice the small swell of the woman's belly under her wool knit top and she inwardly sighed. It never failed to break her heart when people came in day after day, terrified of the possibility that they may leave the hospital's Oncology department with the news that they had a long battle ahead of them… or worst case scenario - that a battle would be fruitless and they should enjoy whatever time they have left. But to see such a beautiful young couple who are obviously expecting a child, well it pulled her heartstrings just a little tighter.

"Doctor Parish is ready to see you now. You can follow me."

Haley closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. Nothing up until this point had seemed real. She still wasn't sure if this was real at all. Earlier that morning she had listened as Nathan called Dr. Shore and explained the situation to her. She hadn't been able to make the call herself and Nathan offered without hesitation, comforting her, taking control and basically being everything she needed. The doctor had immediately put him on hold and made a call to a contact at Tree Hill Memorial Hospital. She knew that normally a patient would be told to see their regular physician first, but due to her history, Dr. Shore didn't want to waste any time. Three hours later and here she was about to have tests, which the results of, could change her life forever.

He watched the different emotions flicker over her face. Fear. Confusion. Hope. Squeezing her hand, he stood up and tugged lightly to bring her with him. He felt so helpless, and worst of all, useless. They'd been waiting almost half an hour because the doctor was running behind schedule and in that whole time she'd barely uttered more than a few words. A good boyfriend would talk to her; know what to say to make her feel better, but of course he'd sat uncomfortably, able to offer nothing more than his hand for her to hold, silently wishing that she could take strength from him when he didn't feel strong at all. Inside he was a mess.

Before they knew it they were ushered into an office slash examination room and told by the nurse that the doctor would be with them shortly. Haley felt Nathan's hand on her back, guiding her over to one of the chairs in front of a large desk covered with scattered papers and books. There were framed degrees on the walls and pictures of his family and pets, making this whole experience seem more surreal. Her life was on hold, and yet here right in front of her when she was expecting a sterile, clinical environment she was confronted with happy families reminding her that life goes on… even if ultimately hers didn't.

"You okay, Hales?"

She turned to him with a smile that came naturally from just hearing the tenderness in his voice. This situation was intense and scary, but she was coping and she knew that the only reason was Nathan. He was giving her the love and support she'd yearned for the last time when Mitchell had been of no use to her at all.

"Yeah. Just… nervous I guess."

Nathan leaned over the arm of his chair, cupping the back of her neck and pulled her closer, placing a whisper of a kiss upon her lips. "Everything is gonna be fine baby, I promise."

Haley smiled at his words but knew her boyfriend was just as unsure of the truth they held as she was. His unwavering optimism was greatly appreciated, but she knew from his quiet, stoic manner that there was an internal struggle taking place behind the positive veneer.

"Sorry about the wait."

The couple pulled apart and smiled at the man taking a seat on the other side of the desk. Dr. Parish was a tall man with thinning grey hair, horn rimmed glasses and a friendly smile. Haley liked him immediately, which she was thankful for, as it would make this whole process a lot easier for her.

"Hi Haley. Mr. James. It's nice to meet you."

Nathan gave an amused smile at the man's mistake. "It's Mr. Scott, actually, but you can call me Nathan."

The doctor chuckled; glad he hadn't offended him by his assumption that the couple was married. "Nathan it is then."

"So, Haley. Dr. Shore has filled me in on your history and faxed your medical records through to the office. I understand you must be concerned, but please try not to worry too much. Most of these incidents are found to be false alarms and that's even more likely due to your pregnancy."

Nathan squeezed his girlfriend's hand. This was good news. The doctor's belief that it was most likely a false alarm gave him a glimmer of hope. He had to hang on to that hope or he'd fall apart. Haley still sat rigid beside him, unconvinced by the older man's optimism. She'd been through this before and told that it was highly unlikely considering her health and age that she would possibly have cervical cancer, but they'd been wrong and a part of her had known they were just telling her what she wanted to hear. They always sugarcoated things. She didn't care if most other women were okay - most other woman hadn't almost died of the disease six years earlier! He wasn't including that in his brief analysis of the situation.

"And if it isn't a false alarm. What's the plan of action? I assume it's going to be different due to my pregnancy."

"Yes, we'd have to look at your options taking the pregnancy into consideration, but I don't want to even delve into that at this stage. The best thing to do is get this biopsy done first. It's most probably nothing, but if we do find something we'll discuss it then."

Stalling and sugarcoating. She knew it was supposed to help her get through this stressful time, but she just wanted straight answers. She was too tired and too scared to fight him on it though, and to be honest it was easier to go on autopilot and let others take the lead. Nathan would be there for her and she trusted him to look after her. The night before she'd vowed to take on as much of this on her own as she could so that he didn't have to carry the burden, but already she could see that wasn't going to work. Nathan felt helpless and the only thing he was comfortable doing was taking control and feeling as though he was helping in some way. This time around she needed to let herself be cared for rather than struggling to do everything alone.

"So what's the next step? What do we do now?"

Dr Parish smiled at the young man before him. It was wonderful to see him being so supportive of his partner, and using the term 'we' when talking about the future showed that he planned to be with her, helping her all the way. He explained to the young couple that today he would do a biopsy of the lump Haley had found which would be sent for testing and they would get the results back in as early as a few days.

A little later, Nathan held Haley's hand as she lay on the bed in Dr Parish's office. She seemed to be fairly relaxed and the knowledge helped to sooth his frazzled nerves, but seeing his girlfriend wince as the doctor administered the needle for her local anesthetic, Nathan wished with all his heart that he could go through this for her. She was handling everything so well and he had to wonder if it was just because she'd been through a similar experience before or if she was numbing herself to it all, pretending she was someone else, somewhere else where she didn't have to deal with her warring emotions.

Haley smiled at Nathan, watching his expression. His face portrayed that of a man who was not in the least bit worried, simply going through the motions knowing that everything would be fine… but when she looked into his eyes, she saw the same fear she'd witnessed the night before. She hated knowing that she'd put it there. That she was putting him through this situation when it had almost destroyed him the first time. She couldn't make this better for him though, and so she'd let him continue to take the role of leader and protector and hope for the best.

The procedure was over rather quickly and Nathan was extremely thankful for that. He didn't think he could stand watching for much longer. He wanted to get Haley out of there… hell, he wanted out of there. It was all too real and suddenly the saying 'There's no place like home' was no longer just a stupid line from some children's movie.

"All right. We're done here. Depending on how backed up the lab is you might even hear from me tomorrow, although it may possibly be another day before the results come back." The doctor smiled encouragingly and watched as the couple stood up, their hands immediately searching for each other and their fingers quickly intertwining. "Try not to worry. This could very well be a false alarm and we want you stay as stress-free as possible for the baby, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you Dr. Parish." Haley managed a small smile before they left the room and headed down the hall way towards the exit.

As they reached the car, Nathan walked around and opened the passenger door for her, but tugged on her hand slightly as she attempted hopped in.

"You okay? Does it hurt?"

The tenderness in his voice was almost her undoing but she refused to break down in a hospital parking lot like some cliché character in daytime movie. Some things were private… like her fear and her grief. If she broke down it would be in the privacy of her own home, not in front of total strangers where she would inevitably be someone's 'guess what I saw today' story at the dinner table later that evening.

"I'm okay. It just stings a little."

He could see it hurt more than just a little and marveled at her strength. She was so brave and it only made him love her more. Sliding his hands up her arms he cupped the side of her face before placing a tender kiss on her lips. He felt a little of the tension drain from her body and broke away, resting his forehead against hers. Neither of them spoke, simply gazed into each others eyes almost like they were drawing strength from one another.

"Let's go home." She said with a smile before pecking his lips quickly and getting into the car.

"So do you wanna go straight home or pick JJ up first?"

Nathan glanced at his girlfriend quickly before turning back to watch the road ahead, noticing she seemed hesitant in her response.

"Um, do you… do you think you could organize for JJ to spend the night at Brooke's? He's such a smart kid Nathan and I know he's going to pick up on something being wrong straight away. I don't want him to see me like this."

A small sob escaped as she choked on the last words. Although he was too young to remember it all, Haley had never lied to him about her illness. He knew she'd had cancer and that it was a very serious disease that could kill you. He'd always been so impressed that his mother had beaten that 'bad cancer' and gotten healthy again. At one stage when the subject had come up at school JJ had proudly announced "My mommy had that and she kicked its ass!" which was just a little something that his Aunt Taylor had instilled in him. She almost smiled at the memory of being called into his teacher's office to discuss the outburst. He'd known what he said was wrong, and apologized for his curse word, but she'd overheard him murmuring sulkily that it was true. Normally she would have punished him, but she'd been too damn touched by how proud he was of her. And technically the blame lay with her sister - always a candidate for a good tongue lashing, but once more her heart wasn't in it. She just hadn't had it in her to get angry about it.

Her son's mischievous little face flashed in her mind and the thought of having to sit him down and tell him that she was sick again made her stomach churn. He was such a sensitive little boy and she wasn't sure how well he'd cope with the news. She felt Nathan's hand slide over hers and she looked down to see him lace their fingers together. Sometimes he was so unbelievably good at knowing what she needed.

"I'll take care of it."

She turned to watch him and this time she did smile. He would take care of it. He'd take care of all of them and it meant the world to her.

* * *

Nathan stared at the screen for a couple of minutes feeling guilty, knowing that he was going against her wishes. She'd made it clear over dinner as she'd picked at her meal, barely consuming a morsel of food that she didn't want to discuss the options available to them should her biopsy come back positive. He'd pressed her on it a couple of times wanting to be prepared and look at all of their options, but she seemed to agree with Dr. Parish about assuming the best until the results proved otherwise. But it just wasn't in him. When it came to issues about him he'd be able to live in denial for forever and a day, but when it came to the people he loved, he could not stand being in the dark. It was like every waking moment was filled with the fear that he'd lose everything and by finding out the options for each possible outcome he had some vestige of control on the situation. 

Bringing up the search engine he took a deep breath before entering the information, only he didn't get as far as planned because as soon as he'd enter the first half of the word 'cancer', a list previous entries appeared; many, many previous entries. With a furrowed brow he moved the cursor to hover over the history button and clicked on it, bringing up all the websites that had been visited that day. There were seventeen in total, with names ranging from 'beating breast cancer' to 'pregnancy and cancer'.

He knew it was wrong, but he was mad at her. She knew how much he'd wanted to find out this information but had been adamant that they should wait, yet she'd researched it all herself and hadn't told him. He was going through this too and he hated feeling separate from her. Why would she have done this alone and not wanted him to know? The heaviness around his heart seemed to grow as he worried that she would pull away from him during this. He couldn't handle that and felt even worse for worrying about what he needed rather than Haley. Maybe the best way for her to handle things was to feel in control and as if she could protect him from it all. Well, he wasn't going to let it be that way. She'd been abandoned last time and it wouldn't happen again. He was here and he wasn't going anywhere. He'd be her rock even if she was stubborn enough to think she didn't need him.

As he trawled through the sixth website on the list, soaking up the information available, he decided this was the best therapy he could have asked for. Instead of sitting around feeling utterly useless as Haley slept, he felt as though he were readying himself, arming himself with the knowledge to handle any possible situation that arose. All the signs seemed positive so far. She was young, healthy, had never smoked or abused alcohol or drugs. Her body was in top shape and if she did have cancer, it looked like she was the perfect candidate for a full recovery.

By the time he'd made it to site number eleven on the list his spirits had plummeted. His earlier optimism slashed by article after article stating that those with a history of cancer were far more likely to find other forms of the disease, and have more difficulty fighting it. He should have stopped reading. He knew he should have stopped but it was like seeing a train wreck, you try to look away but you can't stop staring. After closing down the final site on the list Nathan sighed, knowing exactly why Haley had not told him of her search and why she'd not wanted him to look into it further. He was devastated just as she knew he would be.

The nausea hit him with the force of a tidal wave and he bolted from the computer, his chair sent flying backwards as he raced into kitchen just across the hall from the study and emptied his dinner into the sink. Gripping the countertop so tightly his knuckles went white, Nathan steadied himself as his vision faded in and out for a few moments, convinced he was going to pass out. He breathed deeply trying to shake it off, knowing he should head upstairs and hold her as she slept, but when hit with the image of a life without her, their bed empty, the indent in her pillow where her head used to lay the only sign she'd ever been there at all, brought forth another bout of nausea and he hung his head in the sink once again. It was revolting. The sight, the smell, the convulsions of his body, but none of it registered. Instead his only thought being that he might wake her up. God, if this information had been swimming around in her head all night, he wanted her asleep where none of this was real.

She pretended not to hear him as he ascended the stairs and came into their room standing above her with what she knew would be an expression full of worry. She concentrated on keeping her breathing even as she felt his warm hand stroke her hair back from her face, the loving gesture making it all the more difficult to feign sleep. He'd been so strong all day and she loved him for it, but after hearing him retching so ferociously downstairs she knew in her bones that he'd discovered what she had. As she'd sat down at the computer that afternoon while Nathan went to pick up JJ from Karen's and take him to spend the night at Brooke's, it felt as though her whole world was crumbling down around her.

A part of her wondered if hearing the facts and figures from the doctor would have been better or if maybe she should have just followed his advice and left it alone until the results came back. In the end, she decided, that it wouldn't matter how it was delivered, news like this would always be soul crushing. She knew that the only thing holding her together was the fact that she didn't know for sure; didn't know if she'd have to make the impossible decisions that would be forced upon her should she the lump be malignant and an official diagnosis of breast cancer issued.

Being at the hospital brought back so many memories of the last time she'd had cancer, from the stark white walls to the distinct hospital smell as you walked the halls. Oh, but most of all it had been the medical jargon… only it wasn't jargon to her anymore. She'd learnt the meaning of all those words before. She was thankful for that. She'd been so confused by it all the first time, and remembered the look of confusion and frustration on Nathan's face in Dr. Parish's office as he'd talked about how possibly as early as tomorrow they could find out if the lump was 'benign' or 'malignant'. She'd quickly put it into 'english' for her boyfriend and felt like screaming about how they should really just say good or bad because that's what it all boiled down to. Her world had shattered the last time she'd heard the world 'malignant'. And how God damn perfect that medical term is! If you look it up in the dictionary it literally says 'evil' along with some other great words such as hateful, spiteful, wicked and cruel. Well that's how all this felt – like some cruel joke. Like someone saying 'Here Haley, have a taste of this perfect life with the man you love, your beautiful son and a new baby you never thought could be possible… but don't get too comfortable, we're taking it back again.'

Hearing the shower start, she opened her eyes and slowly rose out of bed putting on her robe before going into the nursery. The room was bathed in moonlight and she could see the outline of the crib, the change table and the beautiful rocking chair that Nathan had surprised her with a few days earlier.

It was so perfect she could cry. Everything about her life had been so perfect and she felt the fool for not seeing the trouble coming. Isn't that how it always worked? Build you up just so it hurts that much more when you get torn down?

Taking a seat in the rocking chair, Haley began to rock back and forth slowly, letting her mind wander to a place where she would like to see herself months down the line, her new baby suckling at her breasts being soothed by the slow rocking motion. Nathan would enter the nursery and watch them both, a smile on his face, the same smile he produced every time he spoke of their baby.

"Couldn't sleep?"

Haley was shaken out of her reverie and looked away from the window to his silhouette in the doorway, shoulders slumped and an overall look of exhaustion in his posture. She shook her head in answer to his question, not trusting her voice at that moment and realized she must have been daydreaming a lot longer than she thought.

"I don't think I'll get a wink either."

With the moonlight illuminating his face she could see his eyes, see the sorrow and anguish he was hiding so well in every other respect. But in his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes usually filled with so much joy and love, she could now see all the pain he was holding inside and it broke her heart. She knew immediately what he'd been up to while she slept.

"You did a search huh?"

"No." She turned back to him quickly, surprised at his denial. It wasn't like him to lie to her. She watched him shrug his shoulders and offer up a rueful smile. "Didn't have to. Turns out someone else did it for me."

"Oh. I'm sorry Nathan." she responded softly not knowing what else to say. But after the apology left her mouth she knew that they both knew the words held so much more meaning than her keeping her internet search from him. She was struggling with guilt for putting him through this again and it wouldn't matter how many times he told her that she was being silly and it wasn't her fault, she'd never stop feeling it.

"It's okay. I guess I can see why you were so adamant that I wait. Not exactly fun reading." His voice was shaky as he struggled for lightness but instead barely managed to keep himself composed. She looked so amazingly beautiful, rocking gently in front of the window, the moonlight creating a halo like glow. She was staring through the glass; her face a blank canvas as she hid her feelings from him, which he knew was just her way of trying to protect him. If it wasn't for the glimmer of light that caught on the single tear rolling down her cheek, she almost looked serene.

He watched as her hand moved to the slight swell of her stomach and an almost crippling pain tore at his heart. They could lose this. They could lose this dream, this family they were preparing for and he wanted to scream, he wanted to hurt somebody. If only he had someone to blame who he could take his frustrations out on, but he didn't and because that was his tried and true method of dealing with his problems he had no release. It was like rather than releasing his anguish it was building up inside of him and he was starting to hate the world; for putting Haley through this... and JJ, and him. For letting him once again feel so close to having his dreams and then having them ripped out from under him.

She watched his face as he stared at her belly, the play of emotions clearly visible as he struggled with his feelings. In this moment, completely unguarded she could read him like a book and she wished she couldn't because his thoughts were the same as those she was refusing to acknowledge in herself. She didn't want to think about it all.

With suddenly glossy eyes he lifted his gaze back up to her face. "I can't lose you Hales. No matter what happens… I can't lose _you._"

A sob tore from her throat as she realized what he was saying. He'd read the facts. While some pregnant mothers could receive chemotherapy in lower doses and deliver healthy babies, patients suffering from more serious and further advanced cancers were more often than not advised to terminate their pregnancies and commence aggressive therapies immediately. It was a fact she couldn't deal with right then.

"Nathan. Please I can't."

"I know and I'm sorry, it's just the thought… the thought of losing you is killing me." He looked to her stomach once again and flinched as guilt washed over him at the direction his thoughts were taking him. He was a bad person for making this decision already. For knowing in his heart and soul within a split second what his choice would be if asked to decide. Shaking his head Nathan attempted to pull himself together for Haley's sake. "I just love you so much Haley. Promise me we'll do whatever it takes to get you better."

"You're not going to lose me. This is all probably just a false alarm." Her mind was whispering to her that she was such a liar. That she didn't believe her own words for a second, but she ignored it.

"Yeah, you're right. It's just this room… it makes me think about…"

She couldn't hear it. It was hard enough pushing the thought out of her mind without him voicing it. Losing her child had now become her greatest fear and the worst thing was that it was dangerously close to being a reality. She looked at him pleadingly and saw his face fall for a moment before he masked it completely.

"Let's just go to bed and try to get some rest. It's been a long day." Nathan walked over to his girlfriend, pushing away his feelings of guilt and shame, knowing that he needed to put Haley first and worry about himself later. She took his offered hand and he pulled her up out of the chair wrapping his arms around her protectively, possessively, taking comfort in the familiar feeling of her face nuzzling into the crook of his neck. Their world had been turned upside down but at least some things had stayed the same. Tonight they'd hold each other and pretend that everything was normal, even though he had a feeling that nothing would ever be normal again.


	14. Time Out From The Real World

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 14** – Time Out From The Real World

**A/N:** Thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing. Your support, comments, suggestions and constructive criticism are always appreciated. I also need to thank Dawn (BabbleBaby) who is amazing for her ongoing support and assistance, and Kris for being so unbelievably enthusiastic about this story. I hope you enjoy it hon!**_

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From his position leaning against the doorway, Nathan watched her as she stepped up to the vanity. Her hair hung in wet tendrils over her bare shoulders and she wore nothing but the lavender towel wrapped around her which was knotted together at the cleft of her breasts. She wiped at the mirror, still fogged up from her shower and stared at the reflection. His heart ached with how beautiful she was in that moment; in every moment. He'd known some stunningly beautiful women in his life, but never had someone radiated the beauty from within the way his Haley did.

He'd just woken up from a dreamless sleep and reached across the bed to find it empty. Opening his eyes he was bombarded with memories from the day before, their visit to the hospital and their anguishing talk in the late night hours, and he'd had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself. In truth he'd hoped that those memories had been a dream and that getting up this morning he'd find everything back to normal, but looking at the sorrow in his lover's eyes he knew that wasn't the case.

Haley didn't even know of his presence until she saw him join her in the mirror, standing behind her, his warm, gentle hands rubbing her arms before moving to wrap around her securely. The movement pulled her back into his chest and she went willingly, her head falling back on his shoulder as they continued to look into one another's eyes in the reflection before them.

She shivered involuntary when he moved her hair to the side and placed a soft and tender kiss at her nape, the feelings that that one gesture evoked almost bringing her to tears. She thought she'd loved Mitch all those years ago, but what she felt for her then husband paled into comparison to the depth of emotion she had for this man. Her soul mate.

"You're so beautiful."

She smiled at him then, surprised that she could. Although, she knew that by now she shouldn't be surprised by the fact that Nathan could make her happy in the direst of times. She felt him pull her back closer and watched as he nuzzled her neck, discreetly sniffed her hair, the fresh clean smell always a favorite of his. Moving against him she felt a certain part of him spring to life and for the first time she realized he'd strolled into the bathroom as naked as the day he was born.

"And you're naked." She giggled when he pushed his hardness against her deliberately.

He smirked at her in the mirror. "It's not very often we have an empty house. Alone time equals naked, Hales. Have I taught you nothing?"

"I thought I was supposed to be the teacher." She quipped lightly.

"You are. You've taught me so much, baby." His voice was soft yet serious and she knew what he meant. After his mother's death, Nathan had switched off emotionally, afraid to be hurt again. Although he didn't realize it, he'd done most of the healing himself but he always told her how she had taught him to love again. What he didn't seem to realize was that he'd done the same for her: she'd closed herself off after Mitchell and thought she'd never find happiness with another man again; thought she was incapable of trusting and loving again, but he'd proven her wrong.

"I love you." She whispered softly, smiling when his lips left her skin so that he could look at her again; a look of pure adoration as though she was some priceless artifact that had had men searching the world over for eons and somehow he'd been the lucky one to find her.

"I love you too baby. You're my world Haley James."

She turned in his arms, her hands moving over his broad chest to curl around his neck and play with the hair at his nape. No more words passed between them as they stood looking into each others eyes for endless moments until she began to shiver as the steam left the room and the cooler air came into contact with her damp skin.

Kissing her softly his hands moved to loosen the knot on her towel and he took the material from her and began to dry her off. He started with her shoulders and arms, gently rubbing away the water that clung to her silky soft skin and sporadically placing soft kisses on the newly dried areas.

As he worked lower over her breasts and torso, her hands went to his shoulders steadying herself as she felt her knees begin to go weak. When he reached the area where the doctor had taken her biopsy he kissed it tenderly.

"Does it still hurt?"

She shook her head no and reached out a hand to palm his cheek, touched by this thoughtfulness. She sighed as he kissed her palm and continued to dry her off. There was nothing overtly sexual about what he was doing but the whole experience was so sensual she felt something stirring within her. They both became so caught up in the moment that they forgot their problems, the darkness that had been engulfing them cleared way and it was just the two of them, the love in their hearts and heat in their bodies.

When he reached her legs Nathan stood, getting a firm grip on her waist and lifted her up onto the vanity before kneeling once again and delicately patting dry her feet. Haley giggled as the soft material tickled her underfoot and she found his warm eyes smiling back at her. Her body was acting on its own as he made his way up her legs and reached her inner thighs which were quivering with anticipation. Continuing his routine, he kissed her trembling flesh and nipped it slightly before snaking his tongue out to soothe the affected area.

He wasn't sure how he was restraining himself. He couldn't remember ever being this hard, but it didn't matter. What he was doing was for Haley. He didn't care if he'd have to take cold showers for the next year, as long as Haley was happy and satisfied he'd be happy too. They'd been through a lot in the last couple of days; were still going through a lot and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel pressured to make love. If she wasn't ready for it then that was fine.

Haley watched him stand and knew the questions running through his mind. She could see his obvious arousal, could practically feel the scorching heat coming off his skin, but he didn't want to push her. To be truthful she wondered how she could even be contemplating making love at a time like this but everything within her was screaming out for Nathan's touch, for his possession. She thought about that amazing feeling each time he thrust into her and shivered with need.

"Are you cold baby? I'll get you your robe."

Nathan began to walk away but she made a quick grab for his wrist. "I'm not cold, but even if I was, the only thing I want warming me up is you. I need you Nathan."

His eyes cloud over at her words and he swooped down to capture her lips in a loving kiss. What began as slow tender lovemaking soon became more desperate and passionate until they came together in cries of ecstasy, never even making it to their bed until afterwards when Nathan carried her sated body, laying her down gently and pulling her into his warm embrace.

"Something's not right Jake. I can feel it." Brooke sighed as she sat next to him on the sofa listening to the squeals of Jenny and JJ as they played outside on the trampoline. "First JJ stays at Karen's and then Nathan calls here sounding strange and asking if we'd take him for the night. I just have a bad feeling about this, but I know Haley would talk to me if she wanted me to know."

Jake pulled his fiancé closer against him and lightly stroked her hair. "If something's wrong Haley will tell you soon enough, but in the mean time we just have to wait it out… and make sure JJ doesn't suspect anything's going on."

"Yeah, I know you're right." She smiled at Jake, marveling at how he always knew just how to calm her down and make her feel better. He leaned in and kissed her softly, unhurriedly, taking his time to explore her sweet mouth.

"Eewww. You guys are as bad as my Mom and Nathan!"

The couple quickly drew apart at the disgruntled exclamation and chuckled at the look of disgust both children displayed on their faces.

Jake leaned forward and grabbed them both by the wrist, quickly pulling them to tumble onto the couch, screeching with surprised laughter. "You guys won't be thinking it's so gross when you get older."

Looking at his little girl with her lopsided ponytail and grinning mouth, he quickly amended his previous statement. "A lot older. You won't like it until you're really, really old."

"Like you and Brookie?" Jenny asked innocently.

Jake chuckled, knowing before he even looked towards Brooke that she would not be pleased by that comment. Seeing his shaking shoulders, she hit him playfully on the arm and retorted. "Hey, I'm always going to be young and pretty… it's your Daddy who is gonna get old and ugly. He's lucky to have me."

This time it was JJ's turn to comment, and twisting on Brooke's lap he looked between the two adults thoughtfully. "You are pretty Aunt Brooke"

She beamed at him and sent Jake an 'I told you so' glance before kissing the little boy's forehead. "Thank you buddy. I always knew there was a reason I loved you so much."

"But you are old!" he exclaimed playfully, jumping off her lap and pulling Jenny with him as they scurried out of the room laughing uproariously.

"Huh! That little... He's been hanging around Nathan too long."

Jake stood from the couch and offered her a hand, pulling her up beside him and enveloping her in a hug. "Yeah, but look how happy he is. Nathan's a natural when it comes to Dad stuff."

Brooke nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, he and Haley really lucked out finding each other didn't they? Haley always seemed so sure she was going to be alone, ever since we met her… and Nathan, well he was never one for settling down and then he changed after his mother died and I wasn't sure he'd ever even be happy again."

"They're not the only ones babe. I never in a million years would have thought we'd have ended up together, and I'm pretty sure we shocked the hell out of more than a few people. It just goes to show you never know how things are going to work out and who you're going to get your happily ever after with."

"Yeah." She murmured into his chest, the niggling feeling she'd experienced earlier not refusing to leave. Only now she wasn't so sure if it was just Nathan and Haley she was worried about. Something had been up with Jake lately and she couldn't put her finger on it.

Pulling away from him, Brooke looked up into his big warm eyes and asked uncertainly, "We'll all get our happily ever after won't we?"

Jake frowned for a moment, a little taken aback by her obvious concern. He'd had that small doubt himself more than a few times in the previous months, but he hadn't let himself dwell on it even though he knew it was affecting their relationship. After all, wasn't it the reason he had been putting off wedding plans? He loved her and he'd do anything he could to give her happiness… even if it didn't include him.

"Brooke…" He didn't know what to say to her. He wanted to promise her that they'd get their happy ending but it was getting harder to ignore the fact that he had doubts about whether or not they would. Maybe it was time to really talk about their future and the fears that had been plaguing him.

"Uncle Nate and Aunt Haley are here!" Jenny squealed, tearing past them to the front door with JJ on her heels.

Brooke barely registered their presence as she took in the despairing look in Jake's eyes. Something was very, very wrong, and even though she'd sensed it, this was the first time it had been staring her in the face.

"Jake?" She questioned, struggling not to show just how scared she was to hear whatever it was he'd been about to say. Before he could respond they heard the front door opening and the kids chattering excitedly with Nathan and Haley.

The four of them entered the room, JJ practically wrapped around his mother's side as he hugged her, regaling her with tales of all the fun he and Jenny had been having. Meanwhile, Jenny as per usual was soaking up all of Nathan's attention, a look of adoration in her face as he listened patiently to her. They'd often joked that if she was older she'd have fallen in love with him by now.

Brooke shook herself out of her troubled thoughts which were plaguing her mind and plastered on a smile, moving away from her fiancé, knowing she needed some space from him or she'd surely burst into tears.

"Hi guys." She greeted chirpily, covering her own sour mood. It only took her a moment to remember her earlier worries about her friends, especially seeing the strained smiles on their faces and the way they hadn't let go of each other's hand since they arrived. Nathan and Haley had always been an affectionate couple, but there was something different about their body language; there was almost a quiet desperation in way their fingers were locked together.

"Hey Brooke. Thanks for letting JJ stay overnight. I know it was late notice." Haley knew her voice was cracking as she struggled to hold back tears. Seeing her son for the first time since this mess had started, she felt her composure crumbling. She really, really just needed her friend right now.

Nathan watched his girlfriend carefully and took action. "Hey guys, why don't me and Jake take you to the River Court?"

"Yeah!" They both squealed jumping up and down. "But Brookie and Aunt Haley have to come too."

Squatting down in front of Jenny, Nathan smiled at both kids. "Not today guys." Seeing their identical pouts he decided some bribery was in order. "But if you're good and don't complain, we'll even get some ice cream after."

Jenny looked over at JJ for confirmation and they both nodded their agreement before running into the little girl's room to get their sneakers.

"Thanks baby" Haley whispered as Nathan pulled her in for hug, rubbing her back comfortingly and wishing he didn't have to leave her at all. He knew she needed some time with Brooke, but he was having trouble letting her out of his sight. He tipped her chin up so she was looking into his eyes.

"I love you"

She choked back a sob, one single tear escaping. "Me too. Now go have some fun."

Her fake cheer was not lost on anyone and both Jake and Brooke were looking on at the strange scene feeling both worry for their friends and also oddly voyeuristic, almost like they were intruding on a private moment.

"We're ready. Let's go."

Jake moved forward to kiss Brooke goodbye, but she turned her face slightly so that his lips only met her cheek. He sighed, wishing they could talk, but having witnessed his friends acting so peculiarly, it was obvious Brooke's earlier suspicion that something was wrong had been correct, and he knew that whatever it was, Haley needed to spend some time with his fiancé alone.

"Love you babe. We'll talk later."

Brooke nodded her agreement barely able to look at him, knowing that if she did she'd get upset and right now her own issues needed to be put aside so that she could focus on her friend.

Just after the four of them shuffled out of the house, the front door opened again and JJ ran back inside to hug his mother tightly around the waist. "I missed you Mommy."

"I missed you too sweetie." She whispered, barely trusting herself to speak. She bent down and quickly kissed his forehead before he raced back out the door to catch up with the others.

As soon as the door closed Haley slumped back against the wall, her ability to hold herself together disappearing as heavy sobs wracked her body, her composure shattered as she slid down to the floor. Seeing her beautiful little boy had been her undoing, knowing that something might happen to her and it would hurt him. She only had to look at what Nathan had been through with his own mother and he'd been an adult.

Brooke gasped at the sight before her and flew across the room to pull her friend into her arms. She didn't ask any questions; didn't say anything at all, just let Haley cling to her and cry her little heart out.

A million thoughts raced through her head, as she tried to figure out what could have her friend so obviously torn up. With a shocking suddenness, the brunette's thoughts went to the baby. Surely fate wouldn't be so cruel as to give Haley the miracle she'd wanted for years only to rip it away from her again? That would be beyond cruel.

When she'd calmed down a little, Haley swiped at her tears and pulled out of Brooke's embrace managing a slight smile. She'd been so calm all morning that releasing her pent up emotions had actually been quite therapeutic. Nathan didn't need to be upset any further, especially after the wonderful morning they'd spent together, and she knew she could rely on her best friend to be there for her. "I'm sorry, I'm probably freaking you out here."

Brooke smiled warmly at her friend and clasped her hand before pulling her up and leading them over to the sofa. "A little, but take your time."

"Okay. Can I just have another hug please? I could really use it."

The brunette threw her arms around her friend and held her tight, her stomach a knot of anxiety which only got worse when Haley finally spoke.

"I found a lump in my breast."

Haley felt her tense up for a moment before pulling back to look at her friend's worried face. She was trying to mask her fears, but the blonde could see it in her eyes. "Have you seen a doctor?"

Nodding, Haley released a sigh. "Yeah. I had a biopsy done yesterday and now we're just waiting to hear back from the hospital."

"Oh, Hon. God, I can't believe this." Brooke was stunned. How could this be happening to Haley again… and to Nathan, she realized with stark horror. Both of them had been there before and it wasn't right to have to do it all over again. Sometimes life really isn't fair, she conceded. Never one to let negative thoughts get the better of her; she pushed her fears aside and focused on helping her friend. "I'm sure it'll be fine. I can understand how worried you are, but… you just need to stay positive.

"I'm trying. Believe me, I'm trying."

"How's Nathan doing?"

"He's… God, I don't think I'd have gotten through the last two days without him. He's been amazing and he makes everything so much easier…"

"But?"

"It's just like I have all of this guilt eating away at me."

"Guilt? You've done nothing wrong."

"It doesn't have to be rational or make sense, but it's there. Every time I look at Nathan I see how distraught he is and I hate that I'm putting him through this after what he went through with his mom. And JJ," Haley's voice broke as she choked back a sob "I can't bear to think what he's going to go through. I'm his mother, Brooke! I'm supposed to protect him from pain, but instead I'm the one who's going to be hurting him. It just kills me inside."

"Oh Haley."

"How am I going tell him, Brooke? How am I going to look my little boy in the eye and tell him that I have cancer again? He was too young to understand it last time, but now he knows; he knows it might kill me and I don't even want to think what that's going to do to him; he's just so sensitive. It's going to hit him hard."

"You don't even have the results back yet, so it might not come to that… but if it does, you have Nathan. You won't be alone. I know Taylor was there for you last time, but it's not the same as a partner. It's not the same as having the man you love there to hold your hand, hold you in bed at night, to just be there reassuring you he has your back. Nathan is going to be there for you Haley. He loves you so much. If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that. Nathan Scott is yours, mind, body and soul."

After breaking down so fully, Haley marveled at the fact that those words could soothe her soul. She did have Nathan and he was amazing. She wasn't sure how she'd have made it through the last couple of days without him… but there was still that small question in her mind that added more to the guilt she was already feeling. But she couldn't control her fears and one of her biggest fears at the moment was losing Nathan. She knew it was wrong to have those thoughts; to doubt him for even a second, but she couldn't help but remember what he'd said to her a few months earlier as she'd talked for the first time about losing his mother. _"__I know that I couldn't go through that again. I don't think I'm strong enough"_

Suppressing a shudder at the thought of not having Nathan with her, Haley smiled weakly at her friend. "Yeah, you're right."

"And you have me. I'm here for you Haley. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, you can count on me. I promise."

Haley knew she could count on her. She may seem abrupt and a little selfish at times, but Brooke had a caring, selfless heart. She knew her friend had been waiting for her to bring up the subject of the baby and what effect having breast cancer would have on her pregnancy, but she'd remained silent and hadn't pushed. Haley really didn't want to talk about. Facing that reality was something she was putting off for as long as possible and she felt so grateful that Brooke knew her well enough to leave it alone.

"Thank you Brooke. I'm going to need you through all of this. I love you."

"I love you too, best friend." The two hugged again before Brooke bounced off the couch with an excited gleam in her eye. "Now, what do you think about me putting on a John Hughes classic and making us some of my famous slushy strawberry daiquiri's? Minus the alcohol of course."

"I'd say… make it 'Pretty In Pink' and throw in some peanut m&m's, and you've got yourself a deal."

Brooke clapped her hands excitedly. "Right. I'll make the drinks. Have I told you how fabulous that mini slushy machine is? You give the best gifts ever!"

"Um, yes you have. Quite a few times actually when you were getting me plastered on your birthday."

Brooke smiled wistfully. "Good times, good times. Alright, you know where I keep my secret stash of candy, there should be a pack of those nasty peanut m&m's for you," the brunette's nose crinkled in distaste. She'd often given Haley a hard time for her choice of candy citing that m&m's were perfect the way God made them… so why did the chocolate company have to mess with them by adding peanuts? "and can you grab the _real_ m&m's and some skittles for me please?"

Haley smiled watching her friend trot out of the room humming along to a random tune. You know you have a good friend when you're the only one who knows about their secret candy stash… and they always have your favorite candy stocked up even when they hate it.

Haley sipped on her daiquiri and popped another m&m in her mouth while watching the movie.

"James Spader was such a hottie back in the day."

Haley chuckled her agreement. "I know his character, Steff is a total ass in this movie, but I gotta admit that there's something sexy about him too. Just that self-assured arrogance thing he's got going on. It's hot. Hey, what's so funny?" she asked when Brooke laughed at her.

"I'm sorry it's just that I sometimes forget you didn't know Nathan in high school. He definitely had similar qualities; hot, cocky, arrogant… and all the girls wanted him. Most people thought that that was all there was to him, but his mother would never have let him get away with it. There was always a softer side to Nathan even though most people didn't look hard enough to see it. So even though you sound surprised by your attraction to a bit of arrogance in a man, it's really no surprise to me at all. Nathan's done a lot of growing up, and the way he is with you… God, Haley it's like you bring out the best in him. There's still a bit of bad boy in there, but he's not a boy any more. He's a man and he's determined to be the best man he can be for you and JJ."

Haley smiled, knowing it was true. Nathan had told her about his past and what he'd been like, although she had to admit she'd thought he'd been hard on himself and over exaggerated his bad boy ways. It didn't matter to her what he had been like before, she only cared about the man he was today… and if his past built his character and molded him into the Nathan Scott she knew, then she would love that version of him too.

The two women were having such a good time enjoying one of their favorite girlie afternoons that all thoughts of their personal troubles disappeared. For a couple of hours, it was just the two of them, a good movie and some junk food. Unfortunately, real life always found it's way in and when Haley heard her cell phone ringing, the weight of the world returned to rest on her shoulders. She knew who it was before she answered.

"Yes. Thank you. I'll be there in an hour."

Brooke bit her lip, a sadness washing over her as the mood went from fun to fearful. "The hospital?"

Haley nodded smiling tightly. "At least the wait's over right?"

"Yeah. You'd better ring Nathan. You can leave JJ with us while you go…"

Even though the words weren't spoken, Haley knew the offer extended to an overnight stay should the news be bad. "Thanks Brooke."

The brunette fought back tears watching her friend walk into the bedroom for some privacy to make her call. She dropped back onto the sofa and switched the movie off surveying the empty glasses and half eaten bowls of candy on the coffee table, wishing she could rewind time back even ten minutes to where she and Haley had been admiring cute boys and stuffing their faces with junk food instead of preparing themselves for possibly some devastating news.


	15. Crashing Down

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 15** – Crashing Down

**A/N:** The support for this story has been amazing and I can't thank you all enough. I really do appreciate it. This chapter was very emotionally draining to write and I couldn't have done it without the help of my girls. So thank you to Dawn (BabbleBaby / DeeplyShallow) for your contstant great advice and assistance, Bec (pinkythesupergirl) for being an awesome beta and Kris for her ongoing obsession with this fic.**_

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Watching Jenny and JJ run over to the play equipment in the park, Jake and Nathan took a seat at one of the picnic tables so that they could keep an eye on them. The four of them had played basketball for a while, but before long it seemed the unthinkable had occurred… the kids had wanted to leave. At first they claimed that they were bored, which struck Nathan as odd considering both of them were usually begging to stay longer, but as soon as the four of them got into the car both children asked if they could have their ice creams and it all suddenly became very clear. He almost chuckled at how manipulative those young children could be.

They silently watched the kids play for a while both knowing that eventually a conversation was going to have to take place. Jake didn't pry; that wasn't his style but Nathan knew he was extremely curious about what was going on with him and Haley, so he quickly updated him on the situation. Just the facts, not the emotional upheaval it had caused. He trusted Jake and they'd become great friends over the last year, but he still wasn't the kind of guy who could just come out and express his feelings straight away. He needed a little prompting most of the time.

Jake was shocked by the news; completely rattled by it all. He and Haley had been friends for six years now and she was the kind of person to touch the heart of everyone she knew, and that included himself. The thought of her being ill again made him feel sick, and even though he realized it was selfish, he knew his fiancé would be taking it even harder and wished he was at home to comfort her. After a moment he realized that knowing Brooke, she'd have gathered her strength, comforted her best friend and then set on a mission to distract her from her problems. She be doing such a good job of it that they'd probably be indulging in some crappy movie and pigging out on junk food while they were free of their men and children.

Now was time for him to be there for Nathan, because even though they were never more than classmates in high school, they'd gotten close since Nathan returned to Tree Hill and Jake wanted to be there for his friend. He'd seen how selfless Nathan could be when it came to Haley and JJ, and he had no doubt that his friend was hurting a lot more than he was letting anyone see. He'd be the strong one, holding it all in and supporting his girlfriend, while on the inside he was probably terrified out of his wits.

"So you're just waiting for the results now?"

Nathan nodded solemnly, his gaze following JJ as he ran up the stairs of the children's fort, his laughter carrying all the way over from the playground. The little boy was so happy and carefree; completely untouched by this heavy sadness surrounding his family and Nathan wished he could go back to that.

"What about the baby?"

Nathan quickly snapped his head around to look at his friend realizing that this was the first time the baby had been discussed. Dr. Parish hadn't wanted to, then Haley had been too distraught and even though he'd been desperate to discuss their options with her, he knew she couldn't deal with it yet. She wanted to wait for the biopsy results and he would respect her wishes.

"Um… I don't know." Nathan sighed and rubbed his hand over his tired face. "The doctor didn't want to discuss anything until we knew the results."

"And you're okay with that?" Jake knew he was pushing but he could usually read people pretty well and from what Nathan had told him he figured that the other man really wanted to know where they stood medically, know what the options were for every possible outcome. But he also knew that Nathan would put Haley's wishes ahead of himself every time so he'd be suppressing his own wants and needs if it made it easier on her during this difficult time.

He gave a shrug in response and then smirked slightly. "I lasted a few hours with not knowing anything and then searched the net for answers."

Jake chuckled. "Does Haley know?"

"She beat me to it actually. I didn't really have to do much searching; she'd found it all for me."

"But she didn't tell you right?"

Nathan shook his head sadly. "No, and I don't blame her because it's not something I'd have wanted to have to repeat to her either." He drew in a shaky breath remembering all of the information he'd read and how bleak it was. "Even though we both pretty much know what might happen and what choices might have to be made… we still haven't discussed it. I think she can't say it out loud because it will make it more real for her or something."

Seeing his friend struggling to keep a strong façade, Jake new that he needed to talk about it, get it out in the open. Different people have different ways of coping with things and Nathan like to be in control of his surroundings. He needed to talk it out and come up with a 'plan of attack'.

"Okay, and that's fair enough Nate. If not talking helps Haley then that's good, but does it help you? If you need to talk it out then I'm all ears."

Nathan looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, not sure if he should take up the offer. This was Haley's medical issue. Did he have any right to discuss it with other people? Looking down through the wooden slats of the picnic table he focused on his trainers, scuffing the concrete. From a distance he looked like a lost, sad little boy.

As if Jake had read his thoughts, he patted his shoulder and said pointedly "This is your problem too Nate. It affects your world just as much as it does Haley's so if you need to talk then I think you should."

"If she… if she has cancer then the outlook isn't good." His voice wobbled slightly as he spoke, his shoulders stiff with tension. Seeing the apprehension in his friend's eyes Nathan shook his head quickly, "No. I'm not talking about Hales. I mean it doesn't look good for the baby."

"Oh, Nate. I'm sorry."

"Basically if she has breast cancer they'll want to treat her pretty aggressively because of her medical history. There's no hope for the baby if she has the treatment."

Jake rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. "Hopefully it won't come to that. This could be a false alarm."

Nathan let out a bitter laugh filled with self-disgust. "Can you believe that when I read that, it took me about two seconds flat to make a decision. Two seconds Jake! It took me only two seconds to decide that I want Haley to abort our child and get treatment straight away."

Jake could see in his eyes and hear in his voice just how much this was tearing Nathan apart. Put in the blunt manner Nathan had just stated it, it seemed like a cold heartless choice, but he knew that wasn't the case. Anyone could see how totally in love Nathan was with Haley and with that sort of deep, all consuming love comes a fierce protectiveness. He'd do anything to protect her.

"I feel like a monster Jake, and if this isn't a false alarm and we lose the baby… God, I feel like someone is twisting a knife in my gut. I really want this baby Jake. I love it already."

"You are not a monster Nate. If you get forced into the position where a choice needs to be made, then no one could fault you. It's obvious that you love your baby and none of this is fair, but it's a reality. Reality is cold sometimes. Just don't beat yourself up about it too much. Losing a child is hard for anybody."

Jake turned slightly to take in the view of the playground. He could see Jenny at first but he could hear her playful squeals and a slight smile reached his lips. When he'd found out he was going to be a teenage father he'd cursed God and wondered what on earth he'd done to deserve such punishment. But as the pregnancy went along the idea of a random little baby started turning into feelings about his baby and by the time she was born he was in love; totally, unequivocally in love with his little girl. He knew that Nathan was already feeling that way and losing their child now would be devastating. Hell, it was hard even when you weren't so attached.

The sadness in Jake's voice caught Nathan's attention and he looked at his friend inquisitively. "You lost a baby?" he whispered, afraid he was stepping on a landmine with such a sensitive topic.

Jake nodded. "It's really complicated. Um, basically Brooke miscarried, but I didn't know she was even pregnant. She doesn't know that I know about it. I found out when I overheard her talking to Haley about it."

"So Brooke miscarried but didn't even know she was pregnant until it happened?"

Jake turned away looking disturbed. Nathan waited patiently before his friend mumbled "You've got enough on your plate without listening to me."

"Jake, man. I haven't thought of anything else but my problems for the last 24 hours. It'll probably do me good to take my mind off it for a little while."

I came home one day and Brooke and Haley were sitting on the floor talking. I could tell Brooke had been crying and my first instinct was to rush in and see what was wrong, but then I heard what they were talking about and I just sort of froze." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to man."

"Nah, it's okay. I've kept it to myself for so long that it's probably about time I told someone you know?" Nathan nodded, remaining silent. "Anyway, she was telling Haley that she felt guilty, that the miscarriage was her fault. I swear my heart dropped into my stomach when I heard that. It's one hell of a thing to learn in one moment that you were going to have a child and that it died."

"God, I'm sorry Jake."

"It's okay. It was a long time ago. I think the hardest thing was listening to her tell Haley that the reason she felt guilty was because she hadn't been sure she wanted the baby; said she was just starting to get attention for her clothing line and had so much going on that she'd felt like it was a bad time."

"Well, they're fair enough doubts Jake. Unexpected pregnancies aren't always convenient and just because you have doubts, doesn't mean you wouldn't love the child if you had it."

"I know. I know that, but it didn't stop me from feeling a little betrayed by her. Not just that she wasn't sure she wanted my baby… but she didn't even tell me she was pregnant Nate. She still has never told me… and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. It has no impact on our lives, but it hurt. And it was hard grieving for a child I wasn't even supposed to know about… and even harder knowing that she was grieving too but I couldn't do anything to help her through it."

"Wow. I can't believe you've kept that to yourself for so long. I know I wasn't around then, but you're my friend Jake and I hope you know you can come to me if you need to." Nathan debated with himself whether or not to bring it up, but if he was ever going to have the courage, now was the best time.

"I've noticed a little bit of… tension between you and Brooke. Does this have anything to do with it? I mean, are you having a hard time forgiving her for keeping that secret?"

"Oh God no. I'm not upset with her about that at all anymore." Jake assured him adamantly. Sure it had hurt his feelings that she felt she couldn't go to him, but he'd basically forgotten about it. "You can see there's something wrong?"

Jake bit his lip, wondering how many other people could see it and if Brooke sensed it as well. He hadn't meant to act differently, but his small doubts were bound to be noticed and cause problems eventually. He knew she was wondering why he wouldn't set a date for the wedding and hated the thought that she might think he didn't love her enough any more. God, she had no idea how much he loved her. That wasn't the problem.

"I sometimes feel like I'm holding her back. Like being a part of our family isn't enough for her. It's a culmination of a few things, but what we were talking about is a perfect example. She freaked out when she got pregnant because she wasn't sure if it's what she wanted. She wanted to focus on her career, not family. I just don't want her to wake up one day and resent me for keeping her from achieving her dreams. I know she's my Brooke, but God, you remember her in high school. She was Brooke Davis, larger than life and most likely to take the world by storm."

"That was a long time ago, Jake and she's a different person now. We all are. I mean, you guys weren't even engaged then. Did you ever think that maybe her dreams changed? You should really talk to her about it."

"Yeah, maybe."

The sound of Nathan's cell phone ringing cut the conversation short and he smiled when he saw Haley's number. She was probably wondering where they were. He knew she'd missed JJ and probably wanted to go home and spend some time with him.

"Hey baby, what's up?"

His blood ran cold as she told him that the results were in. He'd been desperately waiting for them, wishing they'd be done quicker, but now he wasn't so sure. So much was riding on this appointment and he didn't know if he was ready to deal if it was bad news.

"Okay. We'll be right there." Nathan put his cell back in his pocket and took a few deep breaths. "We have to go to the hospital. The results are ready."

Nathan could faintly hear Jake offering his support but mostly he heard white noise. He turned back to the playground and watched as Jenny tackled JJ, both of them falling into the sandpit, spluttering as bits of sand got in their laughing mouths. JJ looked up to see Nathan watching him and grinned widely offering a big wave.

He waved back plastering a smile on his face before calling out that it was time to go home.

* * *

"It's malignant." Haley repeated the doctor's words softly, her tone emotionless. "I have cancer again." 

Nathan squeezed her hand tighter feeling as though he'd been sucker punched, the air escaped his lungs and he struggled to get it back. As he watched the color drain from his lover's face and her eyes cloud over so that he could no longer read her expression, Nathan felt like he was drowning; like he was anchored to the bottom of the ocean floor and no matter what he did he couldn't make his way to the surface.

"Yes. I'm sorry Haley."

The older man watched the woman before him and although it was a familiar scene, after all he'd had to give such bad news to many people during his career, this felt different. It was the first time he'd had to give this diagnosis to a woman who was expecting a child… and it was that little bit harder to stay detached from the situation. His heart went out to the couple, but he needed to stay as professional as possible and ensure they made informed decisions.

"My recommendation is for you start aggressive chemotherapy immediately. Given your history we need to start you on treatments as soon as possible to prevent the risk of further spread of the disease."

Her mind whirled, unable to take in everything he was saying. She could feel Nathan's hand on hers, hear Dr. Parish speaking but it was like an invisible barrier had gone up around her, impenetrable by all.

"And the baby?" Her voice was hollow. She already knew the answer but needed to hear him say it out loud.

"The fetus won't survive such aggressive treatment. I'm sorry, but you will have to terminate the pregnancy.

"The baby." She whispered

Dr. Parish creased his brow assuming that Haley hadn't heard what he'd said about the termination, or simply couldn't come to grips with it which was normal in this situation. No one wanted to be told that they had to lose their unborn child. "Um, Haley I know this is devastating news for you, especially with your conceptions issues, but you need to listen to all the information I'm giving you if we're going to get your treatments started. The fetus is only at twenty weeks, so it's still considered acceptable to… to abort for medical reasons."

"The baby!" she cried loudly her eyes filled with tears. "Stop saying fetus like it makes my baby any less of a person. How can you sit there and talk to me about termination and abortion like its just one more step in my treatment and road to recovery. We're talking about a baby here. A human being that I love with all of my heart and soul… don't you dare trivialize it with your God damn medical jargon!"

Nathan put a comforting hand on her arm and she turned to look at him, her eyes looking like those of a scared child lashing out. "Hales, please calm down. I'm sure Dr. Parish didn't mean anything by it."

She turned back to the doctor, an irrational anger and hatred towards him bubbling in her gut. "I don't like your 'recommendation' so what else can you offer me?"

Nathan had never heard his girlfriend be anything but pleasant to people she came into contact with, so the venom in her voice shocked him, as did the way she glared at the doctor with obvious distaste.

"Haley. I can see that I've upset you and I'm very sorry for that, but I won't beat around the bush with this. There's no time for messing around here. This is very serious and I strongly suggest you take my advice."

She glared at him again before turning to Nathan pleadingly, feeling like a child who had no control over her own life. She'd been there before but this time was different. This time it wasn't just a matter of fighting like hell to get through her illness… she was fighting to save her child. She didn't care how many degrees he had or if he'd treated thousands of people. No one… _no one_ was going to harm her baby.

Nathan's heart broke as he looked into her trusting eyes, begging him to make this better. To tell the doctor that his advice was unacceptable and there had to be another way… but he couldn't. He'd read the information, just as Haley had and that was why she was so desperate because she felt backed into a corner; she knew that the advice she was being given was the most medically sound but he also knew how strong her maternal instincts were. She was like a lioness with her cub when it came to JJ and now she was playing the same role with their unborn child. It was not going to be easy to get her to see reason.

She got out of the chair, suddenly feeling claustrophobic and was soon followed by her boyfriend who was at her side in an instant.

"Nathan?" she whispered pleadingly.

He reached out and palmed her cheek, but rather than lean into his touch she placed her hand on his own, moving it lower to rest on her slightly rounded stomach. Her shirt had ridden up and a couple of his fingers came into contact with her soft warm skin. He studied the image before him, noticing the fuller swell of her curves, the subtle yet telltale signs that she was carrying a child; his child. "Tell him he needs to come up with something else."

"Hales." He sighed regretfully and swallowed the lump in his throat trying to ignore the fact he was basically asking the woman he loved to kill their unborn child. He was going to Hell. He'd never thought of himself as a bad person before, sure he'd made his fair share of mistakes, but willingly choosing for someone he loved to die… God, the self loathing was going to suffocate him.

"Please, Nathan. Tell him."

He watched as a few tears escaped and rolled down her cheeks making her look so lost and helpless that all he wanted to do was protect her. He wrapped his arms around her shaking body which suddenly seemed so small and fragile, and pulled her tightly into her chest.

"Shhh. We'll get through this baby. It's gonna be hard… but I think we need to listen to Dr. Parish."

Haley jerked out of his arms her eyes wide with horror as she stared at him like he was the worst kind of traitor. He knew immediately she'd seen his words as a betrayal, but he wouldn't take them back. He wanted Haley to beat this and if that meant… well, he'd make sure they did whatever it took for her to get better. He hated himself right then, seeing in her eyes the way she felt about him at that moment. He wondered if he wouldn't rather be dead than having her look at him like that.

Reaching down to grab her bag, Haley snatched the handle and pulled it jerkily over her shoulder before turning back to Dr. Parish. "You're disgusting and I'm getting a second opinion."

Nathan moved toward her knowing she was in an almost hysterical state. Thank God he had the car keys.

"Hales" he called as her hand rested on the door knob.

"You're no better. Don't talk to me."

* * *

The trip home had been silent… well on her part. Nathan had tried everything to get her to talk to him. He tried reasoning with her, pleading with her to say something. He even pulled over at one stage and told her he wasn't taking her home until she spoke to him, but she'd steadfastly refused, ignoring him except for the few times she threw a glare in his direction. She was lashing out, and he knew that she didn't mean to take it all out on him but he was the only target and he realized as they sat on the shoulder of the road, her staring defiantly out the window, he staring at the back of her head, that if this was the way she needed to deal with her anguish right now, then he'd let her. They could talk when she'd calmed down. 

Unfortunately, four hours later she still hadn't spoke to him. Not when he'd followed her into their room where she gathered clean clothes for her shower. Not when she came downstairs and turned on the television mindlessly watching game shows and reruns of crappy seventies shows she hated. Not when he'd brought her the dinner he'd cooked. He thought he was making progress for a moment when she took the plate off him, but instead of eating the meal she headed straight for the kitchen and tipped it, plate and all, into the trash can.

"Hales, please just talk to me. This is ridiculous. You need to eat. Stressing out like this and refusing to eat isn't good for the bab…"

He knew his mistake as soon as the words left his mouth and he closed him eyes preparing himself for the fall out.

Haley clenched her hands into fists, her nails leaving deep indents in her palm, almost breaking the skin. She couldn't remember ever feeling this angry. There was a rage in her that was dying to be unleashed and part of the reason she had refused to speak to Nathan was that she knew she'd say some horrible things she'd probably regret later on. But this was too much. Too fucking much. The man who wanted her to kill her baby was now admonishing her for not taking care of it properly. She wanted to hit him.

"Excuse me?" she growled in low, threatening tones. "Did you really just say that to me? You're fucking unbelievable Nathan!"

He watched her warily, not wanting to get her any more upset, genuinely concerned for her and the baby, not matter what she believed. Her eyes were wild with fury and he knew a fight was coming.

"What? Nothing to say?"

"I have plenty to say Haley, but I think we need to calm down first. Can we please just sit down and talk about this? I know you're devastated baby, but I'm hurting too and I don't want us to fight like this. We're not enemies, Hales. We're in this together."

"Then don't ask me to kill our child!" She felt a little of her fight subsiding as she said the horrific words out loud, a sob escaping her lips and she covered it with her hand as though it would take them back.

"It's not fair to put that on me, Hales. I love our baby and I would do anything to not be in this position but it's where we are. It fucking sucks, but it's where we are."

Haley felt drained, and dropped into the chair at the kitchen table and rested her head in her hands. "I don't want to be here. This can't be happening to us." Her whisper broke Nathan's heart and he took the seat beside her, tentatively reaching out touch her arm, treating her like racehorse that was easily spooked.

"I hate this too baby. I don't know why this happened to us but I do know one thing. I can't lose you. JJ can't lose you. You need to beat this cancer Hales because you're the sun in our lives and I don't know what's gonna happen if you're not here."

Haley lifted her head to study him for a moment and felt a pang of deep regret for the way she'd been treating him. She could understand where he was coming from, but he didn't seem to understand why she couldn't do what he and Dr. Parish were asking of her. She was a mother. Her most important job in her life is to protect her children. Why was that so hard to understand?

"I'm not having treatment, Nathan. If I hadn't found that lump then I wouldn't be getting treatment until after I had our baby anyway… it's only another four months. Everything will be fine. You'll see." She had no idea if that was true, and the uncertainty shone through in her words.

Nathan knew she was trying to convince herself as much as she was him, and it frustrated him to no end that she was in denial about how serious this situation was. Scooting his chair forward he moved so that her knees were trapped between his own and their faces were only inches apart. Looking into her distressed eyes he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

"Do you have any idea how much you mean to me, Hales?"

"Nathan…"

"No. I don't think you do. I love you so much that I'm not sure I could live a life without you in it. If you don't have this treatment you could die. Why can't you see that?"

She knew he was speaking from his heart but no matter how many times he questioned her or tried to make an argument in favor of Dr. Parish's advice… she wouldn't change her mind. There was nothing in this world that could convince her to abort her child. Her world was spinning off its axis and she felt so alone, like everyone was conspiring against her. Nathan was supposed to be there for her, support her not matter what. Why was he doing this to her. Did he think she didn't feel bad enough about putting him through this without having it thrown in her face?

"Why can't you respect my decision?!"

"Because it's a stupid one! We can't lose you Haley. What about JJ? Huh? You want him growing up without his mother? You want him to watch you get just a little bit weaker every day until you get that cancer color to your skin and that cancer smell that no one can pinpoint or describe, but everyone knows without a doubt is a sign that your body is being eaten away from the inside? You want that for him?"

He knew he'd gone too far; hit below the belt but he was fucking scared! At this point it didn't matter if she hated him; he just wanted her to change her mind.

Her jaw had dropped in shock at his words. He'd never spoken to her that way before… never used JJ against her and she resented the hell out of him for it. Never mind that he had made a point and she was already riddled with guilt about what her son was going to have to go through. He loved her. He was supposed to support her no matter what. She stood up abruptly sending the wooden chair flying backwards into the cupboards below the sink.

"I'm not going to change my mind Nathan. This baby comes first and if you were any kind of father you'd feel that way too."

He took a step back, reeling from her comment. It felt as though he'd been slapped. He'd had so many doubts since the beginning of the pregnancy about whether he'd be a good enough father and then the last few days he'd been drowning in guilt, knowing that he'd choose Haley over his child. It may have turned out to be an easy decision to make, but it didn't stop it from hurting him. He loved their baby with all his heart, but he couldn't let anything happen to Haley. He wasn't sure why. Maybe he loved her more. Maybe the baby wasn't quite real to him yet because it wasn't growing inside of him. Haley no doubt felt more connected as she shared her body and protected their child in her womb. Whatever the reason he'd made his decision and it seemed like she'd made hers. Nathan had no idea where it left them because the way she was looking at him right now, he really had no idea where he stood.

Shooting an icy glare at him Haley lifted her chin defiantly. "Me and MY baby need some rest. You can use the guest room if you have to stay… but I'd prefer it if you left."


	16. It All Looks Different In The Morning

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 16** – It All Looks Different In The Morning

**A/N:** _Thanks to everyone who is reading and a big thanks to those who reviewed. As usual your comments were great. Thanks to Dawn (BabbleBaby) for her advice on this update and also to Kris for her encouragement._

* * *

When Haley opened her eyes, the sun streaming through the window was blinding. Rolling over she squinted and shut them tight, groaning as she scooted over to snuggle with Nathan. It was when she found his side of the bed cold and empty that the previous day's events came flooding back to her. An ache welled in her heart, taking over her whole body as she relived her fight with Nathan. It was strange how out of all of the horrible events of the day before, the one that had her hurting the most was the fact that she'd fought with the man she loved. It wasn't the confirmation that she had cancer; if she were honest with herself, she'd already known. And it wasn't the 'choice' they had to make about their baby, because as far as she was concerned there was no choice and her child was not at risk. No, it was pushing away Nathan; not having him there to hold her, to comfort each other during the night. It was the awful things she'd said to him; the shame she felt for telling him he wasn't a good father. God, that was out of line. Even in her fear driven rage the night before, she'd known in the back of her mind that she'd taken it too far. She could still see the way he looked at her afterwards and it sickened her. 

With her eyes having adjusted to the light, Haley slowly slipped her legs off the bed and into her slippers, reaching for the robe that lay on the floor, long since kicked off the bed during her tossing and turning. She caught a glimpse of herself in the dressing table mirror and frowned; she looked a fright. Her hair resembled a birds nest, obviously a result of fitful sleep, her skin was pale and pasty, and she had dark circles under eyes; eyes that were dull and puffy from crying. Tightening her robe she left her room feeling more alone than she had in a long time.

Her feet carried her down the hall to the guest room where she stood for a few moments before poking her head around the doorway, not wanting to wake her boyfriend. Moving forward into the room she took a quick look around, noticing the perfectly made bed exactly how she'd left it after her sister's stay. The bed spread was so feminine with its pastels, lace throw pillows and ruffled valance that the thought of Nathan sleeping there should have been amusing, only Nathan hadn't been there. He may have helped her make the bed occasionally but there was no way he'd have ever had it looking this crisp. No, the bed had definitely not been slept in and knowing that he'd left after their fight hurt her, even though she knew it was irrational. She'd made it clear that she didn't want him there; had said she prefer he didn't stay… so why did she wish he'd ignored her?

It had been a very long time since she'd had the house to herself, and under different circumstances she may have cherished the opportunity for some alone time, but now… she just felt empty. It was like déjà vu; being ill with the fear of having to do it all alone. Mitchell had left her the first time… and now she'd pushed Nathan away. She had no one to blame but herself.

She paused at the landing halfway down the stairs when she heard movement coming from the kitchen. Her heart stopped for a moment, her first thought that there was an intruder in her home… and she had no one to help her. It only took a moment for her head to clear and realize the noise was the clanging of pots or pans followed by a loud sizzling sound along with the strong smell of bacon permeating the air. Somehow she didn't think an intruder was going to be making her breakfast.

As she passed the couch on her way through to the kitchen Haley felt a wave of relief wash over her as she saw a pillow and blankets strewn across it. He hadn't left her. He'd stayed. Without thought she reached out and picked up one of the blankets, bunching it in her hands and raising the soft fabric to her nose so that she could breathe in the scent of him. It soothed her immediately, a small smile evident as she placed it back down before taking a deep breath and readying herself for whatever was to come.

He could feel her eyes boring into him as he stood at the stove frying bacon, eggs and mushrooms. He'd wanted to get it done before she woke up and surprise her with breakfast in bed. Knowing how much she loved it, a part of him had thought that maybe it would soften her up a little to the fact that he'd stayed against her wishes. Most of the time he felt like he knew her inside and out; knew how she was feeling and how she would react to things…but this was different. It seemed like something had shifted between them yesterday and he had no idea what would transpire this morning. Figuring it would be best to keep busy; he turned off the flame, picked up the pan and turned around ready to dish up onto the plates he'd left on the table.

"Hi" he offered softly as he moved the food from the pan to the plates.

"Hi" her voice was just as soft.

Nathan could see she'd had a tough night; knew it from the numerous times he'd gone to check on her in the late hours; long, quiet lonely hours, finally giving into temptation and climbing into bed with her, pulling her close and holding her tight until her restless body stilled. He hadn't slept a wink as he lay in their bed holding her. Partly because he didn't want her to wake up before him to find him there when she'd specifically told him to leave… and partly because he didn't want to waste one moment of the night with her, not looking at her, not drinking her in. They'd barely spent a night apart in almost a year and especially with what they were going through right now, he had to be near her.

"You've changed your mind?" she asked with a stubborn, challenging tone making it clear that there was only one right answer to her question.

He took in her wary expression, the way her arms were folded across her chest in defiance yet her shoulders slouched in defeat. She was so obviously confused… and hurting. The vulnerability in her eyes only heightened by her outfit, the blue robe he'd bought her a couple of months ago which was at least two sizes too big for her, but he'd insisted would come in handy for when she 'got fat'. She'd punched him hard in the arm for that joke, but had laughed just as hard as he before kissing him sweetly and thanking him for being so thoughtful. Seeing the robe swallowing her small frame made his stomach lurch. He'd brought it in preparation for the later stages of her pregnancy, something he'd been looking forward to immensely… but now, if he had his way it wouldn't happen. She'd never know the magic of carrying a baby to term again; never again be able to enjoy the special moments that struck awe in the hearts of all parents-to-be… and neither would he. He had to put the baby to the back of his mind. He'd never get through this; never convince Haley to do everything possible to save herself if he kept thinking about the baby. He hadn't realized it yet, but already his thoughts had changed from our child, our baby, my child, my baby to simply 'the baby'. Detached. Removed. Impersonal.

"No, I haven't changed my mind." He shook his head, feeling like the bad guy; feeling guilty and selfish for wanting her safe… for being willing to sacrifice something so precious to ensure she stayed safe. He'd always thought of himself as an innately good person. Things were always good or bad, black or white… grey areas were for those who knew they weren't doing the right thing but wanted to be absolved for their sins anyway. Now he wondered if his view had been a little too simplistic; naïve even, for he felt as though there was no right or wrong answer to this problem, and no matter what he did someone would lose.

"Then why are you here? Because if all you're going to do is try to railroad me you may as well leave right now." Where was this anger coming from Haley wondered? She didn't want to be this way with him and it hurt with every edgy word she spoke.

Watching her now, the way her eyes were alight with fear and frustration, he could see what he hadn't been able to the night before. All of this anger, this aggression was her way of trying to take control of a situation which was essentially out of their hands; out of everyone's hands. She was feeling trapped and helpless and lashing out was the only way she'd been able to cope. He needed to tread carefully with her. She was so scared and she needed him, so he would do whatever he had to do to make sure she'd let him be there.

"You can't get rid of me that easily Haley James. I love you. The forever kind of love… so that's how long you're stuck with me. Forever."

It wasn't what she'd been expecting. Nathan could be just as stubborn as she and even though she'd felt relieved finding him this morning she'd prepared herself for another fight. The hardest thing about this situation was that she could see Nathan's argument clearly; could understand where he was coming from and she couldn't be mad at him for it. God, she loved him for it, but it wasn't enough to change her mind, and she'd expected him to keep pushing the issue. Why wasn't he?

"I still don't agree with you baby. And I really hope you do change your mind, but I'm not going to pressure you. You're the most important thing to me and I'm gonna be here for you no matter what, okay?"

Haley struggled to speak as the tears spilled down her cheeks; tears of gratitude, of love. There were so many damn emotions bottle up inside of her at that moment that she couldn't have named them all. She nodded her head as she struggled for composure, but Nathan had already seen her tears and took it as his cue to approach her. He'd been holding off, still wary of where he stood with her, but the wall she'd put around herself yesterday had lowered and he could see _his_ Haley again and she need to be comforted.

Placing the pan back on the stove, Nathan walked around the table and gathered her into his arms, Haley immediately burying her head in his chest as her emotions took over, her silent tears transforming into loud, shaking sobs. Now that her defenses were down it was like the floodgates had opened. These tears were nothing like the quiet, controlled ones of the night before as she lay in bed trying not to think; trying not to feel.

"You're something special you know that Nathan?" She whispered after long silent minutes where he held her, stroking her hair. Pulling back to look up into his solemn face she smiled slightly and reached up to palm his cheek softly, loving the way he automatically leaned into her touch, his eyes closed like her touch could soothe him; heal him. "I love you."

His eyes flew open, wondering if he'd ever been happier, more relieved to hear her say those three little words. "God, I love you so much. Everything's going to work out, I know it."

"How? How do you know it?" She asked like a child questioning a parent; not quite believing but wanting to with all their heart. Trusting this other person to make everything okay and needing reassurance.

"Because what we have, Haley is something so extraordinary that nothing can mess with us. I believe that."

"Then I believe it too."

He sighed with relief. They had a long battle ahead of them but he felt like they were at least on the same team now. He felt her small hands spear through his hear and pull his head down where their lips met in a kiss so full of love and longing he thought he'd pass out from the feelings she evoked in him. When they finally pulled apart he rested his forehead against hers losing himself in those big brown eyes he loved so much.

"I'm so sorry for what I said to you last night, Nathan. I didn't mean it… I just"

"Hey, it's okay. I'm sorry too. Neither of us was thinking clearly and we lashed out. It doesn't matter now."

"It does matter Nathan." She sighed, raking a hand through her messy hair and shook her head, trying to form the words she needed to say to him. "No one knows better than me what a wonderful father you are. I see it every day with you and JJ and I know how amazing you will be with our baby."

Nathan stiffened slightly at the mention of their child. It was an automatic reaction, one that confused him but he didn't want to dwell on it. He just wanted to enjoy having her in his arms and putting their fight behind them.

* * *

"Mom! Nathan! Over here!" JJ called, waving excitedly as he saw Haley and Nathan enter the café. They'd picked him up from school and gone to the park where they'd all joined in a game of frisbee with some people who'd brought their dogs with them and then decided to eat out rather than cook a meal. Not known for his patience, JJ couldn't wait for them to finish feeding the parking meter so he'd raced inside to grab their favorite booth. The couple waved a quick hello to Karen before making their way over to the booth where JJ was already building a small fort out of condiment containers. 

"Wow, Hales. We've got our very own budding architect in the family."

"They build houses right?" the boy asked thoughtfully.

Nathan chuckled. "Not really. Builders build the houses. An architect designs what they'll look like and what they're made of and draws up pictures so that the builder knows how to make it exactly right."

The boy seemed to ponder this for a moment before crinkling his nose. "I think I'd rather be a builder. Sounds like more fun."

"You can be whatever you want to be honey." Haley smiled enjoying her son's enthusiasm. He was reaching the age where he'd started thinking about what he wanted to be when he grew up. A pang of fear hit her for a moment as she thought about the possibility of not being around to see him grow up. She pushed the fear aside. If she was going to get through this she needed to stay positive… and tonight was about spending time together as a family; one great night together before they saw the doctor again tomorrow. She knew Nathan didn't agree with her decision but he'd promised to stand by her. And after they'd discussed options at their appointment tomorrow, options that would not harm their baby, they'd have to break the news to JJ. He'd be terribly upset and until she was completely well again, he'd not be the same carefree boy they knew and loved, so tonight was about giving him one last memorable, trouble free evening.

"Well I'm gonna be a ball player and a builder. That way I'll have lots of money so I can build a big house for all of us to live in. You, Nathan me and the baby."

Nathan felt his heart constrict at the thought of the four of them, a family that had once been his every dream but now caused so many conflicting emotions he couldn't bear it, but before he had a chance to analyze his feelings, Karen appeared with an order pad in hand. She smiled brightly on the surface, but Nathan could see the concern in her eyes and if it had been the two of them alone he'd have let her pull him into a warm, comforting hug as she'd done the night before. After his fight with Haley he'd felt so confused and alone. He hadn't wanted to leave but she'd made it plainly clear that he wasn't really welcome which left him only two options, first was to go to Brooke and Jake's, which he'd decided against because he wouldn't risk JJ sensing something was wrong, so he'd driven over to Karen's. It felt odd at first; so strange that he'd stood at her doorstep for a full five minutes just building up the courage to ring the doorbell. God knows how long he'd have stood there if she hadn't opened the door and told him to get his butt inside before he caught a cold.

She'd fixed him some tea and let him sit in silence until he was ready to talk. He'd never been much of a talker, but once he started it was like he couldn't stop. The floodgates opened and he poured out his heart to her, and she listened like only a mother could. Nathan hadn't realized just how much he'd missed having her in his life as more than a family friend, his brother's mom, and his mom's best friend. Sitting there in her living room, baring his soul, Nathan finally opened himself up to her as he'd wanted to do since his mother's death and she'd welcomed it.

He remembered back to how warm and safe he'd felt in her arms; like having a mother again for the first time years. They'd been so close when he was younger, the two single mothers and their boys forming their own small family, but as tensions had escalated between him and Luke at the end of high school and reached breaking point when Deb had died, Nathan had pulled away from her. Hell, he'd pulled away from everyone back then, but even though he'd wanted desperately to take refuge with his surrogate mother, the issues between he and his brother were too raw, too painful, and in the end, the way he'd seen it was that Karen was Lucas' mom, not his. It just hadn't felt right.

As she'd poured him a mug of hot tea, he'd asked her to go to Haley. Offered his key and asked that she stay overnight to be there for his girlfriend so she didn't wake up alone. But Karen simply shook her head and smiled affectionately, telling him that she wasn't the person Haley would want to be there when she woke up. No matter how badly they'd fought, she would want, no _need_ him to be there for her; with her.

"Don't let her feel like she's alone" Karen had warned, her eyes clueing him in on a deeper meaning and that was when it had hit him with the force of a freight train. He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid not to realize what waking up without him would mean. He'd be no better than her son-of-a-bitch ex-husband, abandoning her in her time of greatest need. Shaken to the core by what he'd almost so thoughtlessly done, Nathan had thanked her for everything and raced home, terrified she'd woken already to an empty house.

"Are you guys ready to order now?"

"I am Karen!"

"Ok squirt, what'll it be?"

"Can I please have a hot dog with extra cheese and some fries?" He was looking expectantly at his mother as he finished his request, knowing that her rule was that he always had to have some salad or vegetables with his meal, but to his delight she smiled and nodded at Karen to confirm his order. "Sweet!" They all chuckled at the small exclamation.

Patting his shoulder softly, Karen asked Nathan what he'd like and rolled her eyes in JJ's direction when Nathan pretended to think about it even though they all knew he would order the same thing he had since he was a teenager.

"I'll have a hamburger with extra bacon, extra cheese, and hold the onion..."

"…because he needs fresh breath to impress the ladies." Karen, Haley and JJ all sing-songed in unison, causing Nathan to pout playfully.

Haley threw her arm around his shoulder and kissed his cheek. "Well, this lady appreciates the gesture."

"Aww, Hales, you know you're my only lady."

When the couple shared a soft kiss, JJ clutched his hands around his neck and made choking and gagging sounds until they broke apart, joining in the laughter with Karen who watched on thinking that they made the perfect family, and feeling in her heart that they'd pull through everything okay. They just had to.

"And I won't even bother to ask what you're having Haley James. Mac and cheese. You're just as bad as Nathan; unoriginal, the both of you. A match made in routine heaven."

The three of them chatted over dinner, the couple listening intently as JJ filled them in on what happened at school, and how he'd gotten the highest marks in the class on his reading assignment, which pleased Haley to no end. Nathan had ordered them all a round of hot fudge sundaes to celebrate and it was like their troubles disappeared. Haley seemed relaxed and talkative, constantly laughing and smiling with her son, and Nathan couldn't help wondering how he'd been lucky enough to find them.

"Karen said we can play up on the roof. Can we? Please?"

With innocent eyes that could charm the most cold hearted man, JJ then added "We need to work off these calories so we don't get fat...ter", the last word spoken with an almost imperceptible glance at his mother's newly expanding belly.

Smirking at Haley, Nathan leaned across the table towards JJ and whispered conspiratorially, but loud enough for his girlfriend to hear "If you don't want your video games confiscated I'd keep the fat jokes for when your mom's not listening."

When his mother whacked Nathan playfully on the shoulder, JJ giggled but wasn't distracted from the task at hand for long. "So can we play?"

Nathan shrugged and looked at his girlfriend, worried she may be tired from the emotionally draining couple of days she'd had and their physically taxing afternoon at the park.

"I'm game… but prepare to lose Mr. Hot Shot Basketballer… because I am the queen of mini golf and I'm gonna school your butt!"

JJ snickered, muttering "Mom said 'butt.'"

"Oh, you are on Hales. You're forgetting I grew up here. Home court advantage baby!"

Not wanting to be outdone, JJ scooted out of the booth and placed his hands on his hips. "No way. I'm gonna beat both of you! Uncle Lucas has been teaching me since I was little and he says I'm the man."

Normally the thought of Lucas teaching JJ something so fatherly, and the two of them bonding before he ever came into the picture would have Nathan's nerves on edge, but seeing the boy's face lit up like a Christmas tree and Haley looking so happy for the first time in days, he couldn't help but let his resentment slide. Lucas may have been around before he was, but his brother wasn't here and they were his family now. He had the rest of his life to be there for JJ.

As the small family made their way to the stairs, Karen called for Nathan and he quickly indicated for Haley and JJ to go on without him.

"How are you holding up today?"

"Good… well better at least."

"I can see that. You did the right thing going home last night Nathan. I can see it meant a lot to Haley."

"Yeah, it really did. Thanks for all of your advice, it really helped."

"You're welcome."

Nathan leaned down and kissed her cheek softly like he'd done as a boy and she beamed up at him, reaching out for his wrist before he walked away.

"And Nathan, I know that Haley said some things last night that really shook you, and even though you know she didn't mean them, I know they still have you doubting yourself, but I meant what I said. You are an amazing father. JJ adores you, and even when the two of you were having troubles you always did what you thought was best for him no matter how hard it was on you. I don't care if he's not your blood… it doesn't make a difference; he's your son... just like you're mine."

"Thank you Karen." If he thought he'd be able to keep himself together Nathan would have given her more, told her he loved her, that he thought of her as a mother, but he knew the cracks would start to show in his strong façade which just wasn't an option. He had a little boy waiting for him on the roof and he was determined to show him the time of his life.

"She's coping well. Haley is such a strong woman; I really admire her."

Nathan nodded, knowing that even though his girlfriend was strong, she needed Karen who would be just the shoulder to cry on during this trying time. The last couple of days had been hectic between doctor's appointments and sorting out their own issues that Haley hadn't had the opportunity to take comfort from someone she needed the most. Karen was like the mother that Lydia James had never been and sometimes all you needed was your mom. "Yeah, she is, but I know she really wants to talk to you."

"I know. She'll come when the time is right, but not tonight. That little boy up there is having a great time and we wouldn't want to ruin it. Speaking of… you should probably go and join them."

"Finally! Mom said you prob'ly chickened out 'cause you know you're gonna lose." The little boy's eyes sparkled with mischief.

"Traitor." Haley laughed as Nathan picked her up from behind and lifted her off the ground, quickly spinning in circles faster and faster until her legs kicked out at waist height.

"Put me down!" She squealed while giggling,

"Not until you admit that I'm gonna win."

"I'm serious. Put me down unless you want to be wearing my dinner."

"Ew. Mom's gonna spew, Nathan.

He quickly stopped spinning and placed her back on the ground. "I hope not. I can do without the vomit, thanks."

Haley laughed; holding on to his arm as she waited for the dizziness to subside then snickered at him. "Well, you'd better get used to it."

Suddenly he was hit with a vision of her, pale and sick from the chemotherapy, the drugs making her so ill she couldn't keep a thing down and could barely get out of bed. He remembered his mother suffering terribly during her treatment. The memories were always extremely painful but he'd swear he was having a heart attack in that moment when he thought of what Haley was going to go through.

"Yeah, Nathan. You better get used to it. Babies always spew up. Tommy Jenkins says that his baby brother pukes every time he eats." With a little shudder of disgust JJ screwed up his face and added "It's so gross."

The baby. She'd been talking about the baby. Now why didn't that make him feel better? For a nanosecond he'd almost wished she had been talking about the Chemo. What the hell was wrong with him that he'd find the topic of their child just as disturbing as Haley's cancer treatments? He didn't have time to ponder it as Haley handed him his putter and the three of them began playing, so he did what was becoming so common lately and pushed the dark thoughts to the back of his mind.

"Yes!" JJ jumped up and down pumping his fist in the air as he made yet another hole-in-one. He was already miles ahead of the other two and there was no way they could catch up.

"Damn he's good." Nathan chuckled watching Haley's pout. "Oh please… do not tell me you are jealous of your eight year old son. Who'd have thought Haley James was a bad sport."

Haley laughed grudgingly and smacked his arm lightly. "Shut up! You try being bad at every sport known to man except for one… and then having your ass kicked by your kid. You're both good at everything… this was my thing."

He knew it was pathetic and that he was totally whipped, but he found her whiny voice adorable. She really was competitive sometimes and he'd heard her mention in passing that she was the master of mini golf, so it wasn't really surprising that she was sulking at having her title stolen by a child.

"Oh believe me honey, you may be talented but this" he indicated the makeshift golf course, "is not 'your thing'. There's something else, however, that most definitely _is_ 'your thing' … and while it does involve sticks and balls of sorts, it sure ain't mini golf."

The blonde almost choked with laughter at his brazen innuendo and flushed pink as she glanced at her son to make sure he hadn't heard Nathan's comments, not that he'd have understood them anyway.

"Are you blushing, baby?" he teased before wrapping his arms around her dropping a kiss on her lips. "It's so sexy."

"Nathan! It's your turn." JJ called impatiently waiting for the couple to break apart. They were so damn smoochy tonight! Yuck!

Reluctantly letting go of his girlfriend, Nathan picked up his putter and moved to the next part of the course. He swung softly and sent the ball gliding over the fake green and straight into the hole.

"Oh yeah! See that JJ. Who's the man? Who is your idol, little buddy? Who do you want to be when you grow up?" Nathan did a little victory dance he and JJ had made up earlier, knowing he looked absolutely ridiculously but not caring a bit if it meant putting a smile on the boy's face. He was soon stopped cold however, his body filling with tension as he watched JJ take off ecstatically towards the door and the person who'd just joined them.

"Uncle Lucas!"


	17. That Was Then

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 17** – That Was Then

**A/N:**_Thanks again to everyone who is reading and those who have reviewed, your feedback is great. Thanks to Dawn (BabbleBaby)and Elena (Typokween) for your help and also to Kris for your support._

* * *

"Uncle Lucas!" 

"Hey J-man." Lucas laughed as the little boy flew into his arms. They may not be related by blood but JJ had been his 'nephew' since he was two years old and when his brother got around to marrying Haley, of which he had no doubt Nathan would, it would make it all official.

Haley watched on with delight as her son and her good friend hugged. Lucas had been JJ's only other real male influence besides Jake after coming to Tree Hill and even though he hadn't been around a lot with his NBA career, Luke had always been good to them and treated her little boy like a part of the family; treated them both like a part of the family. She knew she'd have had trouble coping when she first move to town if it hadn't been for Karen, Lucas and Jake... and then later on Brooke. With everything that had happened with her parents, these people had become her family and Luke was as much a brother to her as Taylor was a sister.

That's why she'd called him. He'd been so happy to hear from her; the warmth in his voice breaking down her resolve to stay strong and she'd burst into a steady stream of tears before telling him what was happening in her life. He'd been so wonderful and supportive, saying all the right things to calm her down and before they'd hung up he'd said he would try to find time to visit them all soon… not once did she think she'd be seeing him quite so soon though.

It was struggle not to throw herself in his arms and cry her heart out when she saw the concern in his eyes. Instead she walked over and let herself take comfort from his strong embrace before pulling a way, knowing if she stayed there longer she'd lose all her composure.

"You doing okay, Hales?" He asked softly, a strong hand on her shoulder showing support.

"I'm doing okay" she responded just as softly not wanting her son to hear. As far as he was concerned everything was normal and they were having a wonderful time.

He looked over her shoulder and found his brother standing rooted to the same spot he'd been a few minutes ago when he'd come upstairs seeing the three of them clowning around together. His face didn't give anything away, but Luke knew him well enough to see the tension in every line of his body. A sadness washed over him as he remembered the way it used to be between them; the Scott brothers against the world. The distance between them now often seemed impassable but he still held out hope. Now that they would be tied by Haley, he hoped that they'd be able to build their relationship back up to what it was, or at the least be able to act like family again.

"Hey little brother."

There was a short pause before Nathan produced a tight smile. "Hey Luke. What are you doing here?"

Lucas glanced towards Haley, not knowing how to respond. When they'd spoken on the phone, she and Nathan had had a huge fight and he honestly hadn't known what to expect when he arrived in Tree Hill tonight, but from the scene he'd interrupted he could assume that they'd worked towards making amends. If they hadn't, he'd have been on his brother's back about it so fast he'd never have seen it coming. He loved both of them, and knew how hard this news would have hit Nathan, but Haley needed support right now, not to be fighting with the man that was supposed to protect her. He was so relieved to see his brother doing the right thing.

Nathan noticed the surreptitious glance Lucas threw Haley's way and the slight flash of guilt in her eyes and knew immediately that she'd called him. He had no right to be upset or jealous and she certainly had no reason to feel guilty, but things were always more complicated than they seemed and Haley knew that he would feel slightly betrayed by her running to his brother. It wasn't logical and it wasn't fair, but the volatile history between brothers made it a murky area to tread. He understood Haley loved Luke and that they had been friends long before he came onto the scene, hell it was a big part of the problem, but that lingering feeling of Lucas living his life had never really gone away and it made him extremely territorial. He'd been crushed when Luke had slotted into the life of college basketball and then the NBA that should have been his… but he'd survived; he wouldn't survive anybody taking his place in his current life. Haley and JJ were a hell of a lot more important than basketball could ever have been and the thought of Luke taking it away or replacing him, brought out an intense possessiveness in himself that he hated, but it was something he couldn't seem to control.

Looking between the two of them Nathan straightened slightly, his already fragile smile slipping. "I see."

"Aren't you excited Uncle Luke is here, Nathan? Isn't he your brother?"

'Out of the mouths of babes' thought Haley as she watched her boyfriend blink at the comment. It seemed so simple when put that way and it was easy to see why JJ wouldn't be able to understand about the underlying tension.

"Yeah. Of course he's happy to see me. He's just in shock because it was such a big surprise. Right, Nate?"

Luke walked to Nathan and pulled him into a somewhat awkward hug which was returned reluctantly. "Right. It's good to see you."

Seemingly appeased by the display, JJ continued on excitedly explaining how he was winning their game and proudly telling his uncle how he'd used all the tricks he'd taught him, unknowingly increasing the tension around him.

Nathan listened as the boy, who he one day wanted to call him dad, reminisced with Lucas about the fun times they'd had together up here on the roof. He wanted to hit something and knew he had to get out of there before he ruined JJ's evening.

"You got a car here Luke?" He asked gruffly

The blond man nodded his head, but his expression was wary.

"Great. Look, I forgot there's something I've gotta do. Give Hales and Josh a ride home would you? Thanks." He quickly ruffled JJ's hair and kissed Haley's forehead then disappeared through the door before anyone had a chance to question him.

"Where's he going Mom?" JJ asked disappointedly.

"Nathan just has some things he needs to do right now, but I'm still here and I'm sure Uncle Lucas won't mind filling in." Haley prompted with us much enthusiasm as she could muster.

"Okay." He sighed, handing Luke a putter. "You can take Nathan's turns until he comes back."

Luke and Haley shared a look, knowing that Nathan wouldn't be back, but not having the heart to tell him. Hopefully they could keep him amused enough that he'd forget.

After an hour of letting JJ win, Lucas found it wasn't difficult keeping the boy entertained although he did notice that JJ's earlier mood of complete happiness and contentment had not returned. He was having a good time, but it was obvious that the spell had been broken. He wished he'd never decided to surprise them and instead given Haley a chance to warn Nathan about his visit. How could he have been so stupid? The issues between him and his brother were many and long running and he should have known that Nathan would not be part of the Lucas Scott welcoming committee.

"Hey, why don't you go down and ask Karen to make us some hot chocolates before I take you home? Your mom and I will be down soon."

JJ nodded and yelled over his shoulder "I'm having three marshmallows", the door banging shut behind him as he left the adults alone.

"I'm so sorry Haley. I can see I managed to ruin a pretty great evening for you guys."

She shook her head sadly. "It's not your fault Luke. I should have told Nathan that I called you… and he wouldn't normally react this way. I think it's just the stress of everything."

"Yeah. Like I said on the phone, this has got to be hard for him, so even if there are times when it feels like he's a little distant or pulling away, he's just dealing with everything in his own way so don't feel guilty or think it has anything to do with you." He shook his head wearily. "I know we have our differences but I didn't expect that reaction either. Well, Nathan always was unpredictable and unreliable at times."

He understood that his brother was going through some major things but he hated that he'd stormed out of there and left Haley feeling guilty. He couldn't stand it. It was something that had developed from the moment he met Haley; a need to protect her and care for her and her son. She was like a sister and Luke felt he'd do anything for her.

Haley pulled out of his arms abruptly and stared him down. "That's not fair Luke! You don't know him. Not the Nathan he is now. I know all about what he was like when you were younger; I've heard the stories from him and other people so I get why you might still think that about him, but it's not the case anymore."

Luke had rarely seen her fired up and raised his eyebrows in surprise. He loved his brother but had to admit that when he first heard that Nathan and Haley were an item, he'd been shocked. Shamefully, he'd wondered what Haley saw in him and hadn't figured her for a girl who fell for the jock because he was cute. Since then he'd seen what a great couple they make and really believed that they had a wonderful future ahead of them, but obviously that hadn't stopped him from having lingering doubts about whether or not Nathan deserved her.

"The man he is today, Luke, is so different to who he was back then. When it comes to me and JJ, nothing else is more important. Okay, so maybe sometimes he's a little unpredictable but that's just a part of who he is and how he deals with his feelings… but unreliable? No way. He has been there for us every day since we've met him and I couldn't trust anyone more with my son, my happiness, my heart… my life."

Seeing his brother through her eyes was a humbling experience. He realized he really didn't know Nathan anymore. They may have called a truce of sorts years back, but they were no longer close and he was still seeing him as the cocky teenager he'd been when they used to share everything.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

Haley sighed and rubbed her hand over her face. "It's okay… and I shouldn't have yelled. I just wish you could see the person he's become. I just wish the two of you could work out all this crap that's between you because he's going to need his big brother, Luke. And I'm going to need both of you… so it would be really great if you're not at each other's throats. You know how proud he is, how hard he finds it to open up…"

"You want me take the first step." It was a statement, not a question. He'd tried before; tried apologizing, talking but nothing worked. Nathan had pushed their issues to one side and tried to pretend that nothing was wrong even though it was blatantly obvious that wasn't the case.

"Yes. You asked me earlier if there's anything I need… well this is it."

"Okay. I'll do my best Hales." He said, pulling her back in to a hug and resting his chin on her head.

"Thank you."

* * *

"_Nate!" Lucas called out to his brother who was sitting on one of the benches bouncing the ball off the ground below. "Hey Nate. What's wrong?"_

"_Nothin'" the raven haired ten year old pouted as the basketball hit his foot and bounced away from him across the Rivercourt. He'd had an argument with his mom who had taken away his new Sega game because he'd gotten into a fight at school. He knew he deserved to be punished; that Deb would never stand for any sort of fighting, but the other kid had called him a bastard; said that his father knew he was loser and that's why he'd left them. But when his mother had punished him, he'd lashed out and told her he hated her; that he wished he could live with his dad. She'd looked so hurt when he'd spat the words at her, and it left him feeling even worse when instead of yelling at him she'd told him to get out of her sight. _

_The blonde boy knew better than to push his brother into talking, so instead he jumped off the bench and ran to collect the ball, shooting a three pointer with ease. After a couple more shots he glanced up to see Nathan watching him intently. Basketball was always Nathan's weakness; he could never resist it._

"_Nothing but net!" Lucas shouted smugly, smiling when he saw his brother smirk before jumping off the bench and racing out to meet him on the court. _

"_First to ten"_

"_You're on!"_

_Although they were both great at the game they'd been playing since they were old enough to hold a ball, Nathan just had a natural grace that made every movement appear effortless. They pushed and cajoled, taunted and laughed until they called it quits, Nathan winning narrowly._

"_Good game little bro." Lucas said genuinely as he patted his brother's back. He'd never been jealous of the fact that even though he was slightly older, he was obviously less talented at the game they both loved. Nathan was a natural; he was going to take his talent far._

_They headed back over to the bench and sat in silence for a few minutes before Nathan glance sideways at his brother. "Do you ever wonder what he's like?"_

_Luke crinkled his forehead confused by the question. "Who?"_

"_Our dad. Dan"_

_Lucas pondered the question for a moment before shaking his head. "Not really. I mean I have thought about it before. Like is he nice or mean, does he play basketball, did he read a lot… basically is he like us." Looking his brother in the eye he continued "But I guess I figure that if he left us and our moms then I don't wanna know about him."_

_Nathan sighed, understanding what his brother was saying yet feeling frustrated that Lucas didn't seem to want to know more, the way he did. They'd been rejected and it was something that he didn't like knowing._

"_But… don't you ever want to know why?"_

"_Yeah, I do. But I don't think I ever want to see him Nathan. I don't think he's a good man." Seeing his brother looking so gloomy, Luke threw his arm over his shoulder and added. "Besides, we don't need him. We have our mom's and we have each other."_

_Smiling genuinely Nathan nodded his head. The other kids didn't understand how they were brothers yet had different moms and lived in separate houses, but it was normal for them. He loved having a brother and even though they fought sometimes, they were best friends._

"_Hey, look what I scored today." Nathan quickly withdrew a pocket knife from the pocket of his jacket._

"_Whoa. Where'd you get that? You know your mom will kill you if she finds out."_

"_She won't." Nathan smirked, thinking of his special hiding place in the closet of his room. "And I found it over near those trees when I got here earlier. Someone used it to carve letters into the tree and left it behind. It looks pretty new. Cool huh?"_

_Watching his brother flip the tool open, Lucas winced as the blade sliced through the flesh of his brother's palm. "Be careful! Let me see."_

_Nathan offered his hand, smiling at the small drops of blood coming to the surface. "It doesn't hurt."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yep. Hey, give me your hand."_

_Lucas looked at him warily for a moment and then offered his hand and watched half in wonder, half in shock as Nathan lightly sliced the blade across his palm. He didn't flinch even though it stung a little. If his little brother could handle it, then so could he._

"_What did you do that for?" he asked curiously._

_Nathan held out his hand prompting Lucas to grab hold of it and grinned up at him. "Blood Brothers."_

"_Umm… we ARE blood brothers." Lucas responded, quirking his eyebrow._

"_Just do it stupid!" Nathan said rolling his eyes. Lucas had always been so cautious and practical where he was unpredictable and did things just because he wanted to. They were always like this, teasing and bickering, but it was good natured. They loved each other no matter how mad they could get they always had each others back. It was them against the world._

_Lucas grinned back and shook his head as he grasped Nathan's hand so they were palm to palm. _

"_Blood brothers and best friends forever. Promise?"_

_Lucas nodded his agreement. "Promise."_

He watched the ball sail through the net and bounce off the court, rolling along the ground until it stopped at a pair of large sneakers. He sighed and shook his head really not wanting to deal with this right now.

"What do you want Luke? I'm a little busy."

"Yeah. I can see you're real busy." Lucas chuckled and held on to the ball showing that he wasn't going anywhere, but already he could see Nathan's walls up so high he had no idea how to get through to him. It was really a blessing that Haley had asked him to try to patch things up with his brother because he'd wanted it for the longest time. If anyone could be the reason behind such a miracle, it was definitely Haley James.

"What are you doing here man? Haley needs you at home."

Nathan was surprised by how softly the words were spoken. There was no accusation behind them, more of a curiosity and a disbelief. The guilt that was already eating at him over leaving the café turned into anger and Luke was the best target for that anger considering the history between them.

"Oh really? Why would she need me when she clearly has you?"

"Are you serious? You're gonna make this about me?"

"Am_ I_ serious?" Nathan scoffed loudly, shaking his head in disbelief. "What is it with you Lucas? You come back into town like some knight in shining armor to be there for Haley when she's sick. What a God damn joke!"

Why was it always like this? Why couldn't they hold a civil discussion when they had a disagreement instead of turning on one another? There were just so many old hurts and resentments that wouldn't go away and while he had promised to work things out; Nathan questioning his motives for coming back for Haley was crossing the line. He loved her. Sure, it was in a different way to his brother, but he loved her all the same. "She called me because she needed me… when you weren't there for her I might add, so I came."

Nathan scoffed, rolling his eyes at the statement.

"What is your problem? Of course I came. I care about her and she needed me."

"There's no 'of course' about it! Where were you when my mom was sick; when _she_ needed you? Where the fuck were you then Lucas?" Nathan's booming voice carried across the air and out over the river.

The blonde opened his mouth to speak, but he found no words. Now was not the time to explain.

"You didn't even come to her funeral. She helped raise you and you didn't even come to her funeral Luke." Nathan words were barely more than a whisper but when his voice started to crack with emotion; the anger came back, hating that Luke was seeing him so vulnerable. His back straightened and he spat out hatefully "Your armor wasn't so shiny then, was it?"

"Nate..."

"No, you were too busy enjoying my scholarship and my ex-girlfriend."

This argument had been hashed out so many times that Luke thought he'd go crazy if he had to go through it again. Yes, he felt bad that Nathan had given up his scholarship in order to care for Deb and that it had been offered to him, but he still believed he'd made the right choice in taking it. He hated being made to feel guilty for building a life for himself, something that most people would have done in his position.

"God, so that's what it's about. You always deny it but you hated me for taking that scholarship. Obviously you still do."

"No. I never hated you for that." His voice was flat and Luke could tell he meant it. "I was hurt and jealous and to be totally honest, heartbroken about the scholarship and watching my dreams disappear, but I didn't hate you. And the stuff with Peyton's a different story. No, I wasn't still in love with her, but we were still friends and being my brother you just shouldn't have gone there, Luke. You knew that! Maybe under different circumstances I could have handled it better but my life was falling apart; my mother was dying, the dream I'd worked so hard to achieve was snatched away from me and I needed you; both of you. But instead of holding off, just putting your feelings for each other aside for a while, you were selfish and got together even knowing the news would get to me in no time."

"We didn't want to hurt you Nate. We fell in love and wanted to be together, but we never meant to hurt you."

"Yeah, well it did hurt… but that's not the main problem Luke. What hurt me the most was that when the two of you got together you knew that I'd be angry at you and that I'd push you away. I needed my brother and my friend at that point, but instead of having two of the most important people in my life by my side, I was alone!"

Lucas reeled from knowledge that he'd had it wrong all along. He'd always just assumed that Nathan had been bitter about the scholarship and that his brother's resentment and jealousy turned to anger and hate over his relationship with Peyton in college. He'd always understood why Nathan would have trouble dealing with him taking his spot at Duke, but had honestly thought it was a little spiteful for him to be angry over his relationship with Peyton. It wasn't like they were newly broken up or that he was still harboring feelings for his ex, so he put the anger down to jealousy and spite. Now it seemed he had been wrong… and the actual reason was so chilling that it filled him guilt and self-loathing.

"Nate, I'm so sorry. If I could change things…"

"Well you can't! So just leave me the hell alone and try not to get in my way. I get that Haley wants you around and I just want her to be happy, but don't think for one second I'm gonna stand aside and let you take over. She's MY girlfriend and he's MY son. Don't forget that."

Luke watched his brother storm off the court and get into his car, tires screeching as he reversed out and sped off down the road. He'd come here, to what used to be their favorite place, so hopeful that maybe this would be the day that they'd get back on track; become brothers again… only now it seemed more hopeless than ever. It wasn't until he began to walk back to his own car that he realized he was still holding the ball; Nathan's ball. He closed his eyes and held it tighter realizing how bad their relationship must be if he was secretly glad that he had something of his brother's in his possession.

Juggling the ball in his hands, Lucas caught sight of the small scar on his left palm and he stared at it, filled with regret. Dropping the ball he lifted his hand closer and ran a finger over the surface. It wasn't until a tear landed on the raised ridge that he realized he was crying.

* * *

Nathan closed the door behind him quietly, knowing that Haley and JJ were most likely in bed already. He had, after all, been at the Rivercourt working out his frustrations for a good two hours before his brother had shown up. He pushed thoughts of Lucas and their argument aside and placed his keys in the bowl they kept on the side table. The house was quiet, eerily so, but he was relieved to find a lamp still on in the living area, something Haley always did for him. It was a good sign. He still remembered the way she'd looked at him the first time she'd explained her new little ritual. It was the day he'd moved in and just before they were to go to bed he'd realized he'd left something next door and raced over to get it. When he'd returned all of the lights were out except for the lamp, the light emanating from it illuminating her silhouette with a golden glow and when he looked at her questioningly, she smiled, her eyes shining with warmth and truth. 

"This is your home now Nathan. I'm your home and you're mine. There will always be a light on for you here."

He'd grinned like a child on Christmas morning, so unbelievably touched by her words before he'd picked her up and carried her to their bedroom. They'd made love all over the house that day, christening most of the rooms while JJ was out of the house, but that night he made love to her in their bed for the first time since it had become _their_ bed, in _their_ bedroom, in _their_ home.

The memory left him smiling and it felt as though the pent up frustration he'd been feeling melted away. Walking up the stairs he avoided the creaks he'd found and committed to memory over the months, and moved down the hall to JJ's room. The room would have been pitch black if weren't for the small basketball shaped air purifier that also happened to double as a night light, which became illuminated when plugged into the power socket. He really didn't need a purifier but he'd gone through a stage a few months earlier of waking up scared and Haley had suggested a night light, but Josh had adamantly refused stating that they were for babies and he didn't need one. Nathan had found this particular one after doing a quick online search and JJ had been more than happy to have it set up in his room when they'd explained that it would help keep him healthy if he had fresh air in his room, and had been secretly glad when he found it stayed lit during the night.

He looked so peaceful lying there with his lashes fluttering on rosy cheeks, both hands tucked under his head on the pillow as he lay curled up on his side. Nathan sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to wake him and reached a hand out, softly trailing it along the soft skin of his cheek. Within a few moments his eyelids fluttered and sleepy eyes stared back at Nathan with a smile.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's okay. Did you get your stuff done?" he asked, rubbing his eyes with all the innocence of a child who had no idea of what had transpired hours before.

"Yeah." He responded feeling guilty for leaving. "Did you have fun with your mom and Uncle Lucas?"

JJ nodded his head and yawned. "But it wasn't as good without you there. They don't know our victory dance."

The warmth that spread through Nathan at this comment was incredible. He knew it was ridiculous to be so affected by a child letting him know he was missed, but he couldn't help it. He wanted JJ to love him, and want him, and need him in his life.

"Well maybe we can teach them one day." Nathan said patting JJ's leg encouragingly as the boy seemed to ponder the suggestion before shaking his head. "Nah. That's our dance. It's just for us."

"Ok. It's just for us then."

"Tommy Jenkins and his dad have a special handshake that no one else is s'posed to know. It's kinda like that, right?"

The words almost brought him to tears, tugging at his heart in a way only this little boy or his mother could. "Yeah. It's exactly like that."

"Nathan?" his voice was soft and slightly hesitant which had Nathan looking up at him immediately.

"Yeah?"

"We're a family, right?" JJ looked up at him expectantly and Nathan felt so nervous being entrusted with this little boy's hopes and dreams.

"Yes, of course of we are."

"Like Tommy and his mom and dad and baby brother?"

Nathan smiled. "Well, we're a little bit different to them."

JJ seemed to think about this for a moment before smiling knowingly. "Because we didn't find you until later?"

He smiled at the way he'd worded it, but just nodded his head. "Yeah, but you found me and we're just as much a proper family as Tommy's is."

He noticed the boy biting his lip and knew he wanted to ask something else but wasn't sure how to. "What is it buddy?"

"Well, if we're a family, are you… are you going to be my dad now?"

Nathan felt as thought his heart stopped beating. There were so many things he wanted to do and say, but he needed to tread carefully. The last thing he wanted to do was make JJ feel pressured. "That's up to you Josh. I already love you like you're my son, but the choice is yours. Do you want me to be your dad?"

JJ nodded shyly, but when he saw the grin on Nathan's face he soon smiled widely, throwing off the covers and then scooted over to Nathan, throwing his arms around his neck. Nathan held him tight still a little unbelieving that it was actually happening.

"I'm glad you're my dad now."

"I am too JJ."

Pulling away, Nathan patted his shoulder lightly. "You've got school tomorrow so you'd better get some sleep."

"Okay" JJ yawned and pulled the covers back up.

"I love you buddy." Nathan whispered softly as he leaned forward to kiss the boy's forehead before walking to the door.

"I love you too… Dad."

It was a soft whisper, barely audible and he knew that JJ was testing the waters but he heard it all the same and Nathan wasn't sure anything had ever sounded so good.

It felt as though he practically floated on air as he made his way to his and Haley's room where he was surprised to find her wide awake, propped up on her pillows and flicking through a trashy magazine.

She smiled at him hesitantly, placing the magazine on the bedside table and nervously twisting the sheet in her hands. "Hi."

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" He asked with small frown as he noticed how tired she looked, dark circles visible under her eyes now that she'd removed her makeup.

She shrugged and looked down at her hands. "I was worried." Looking up she found him studying her questioningly and realized that there seemed to be more and more things in their lives to worry about, like her illness, the baby, seeing the doctor in the morning to find out their next course of action and then having to break the news to JJ. She'd have to be more specific at this point.

"I was worried about you." She said softly, pushing the covers aside and scrambling closer to his side of the bed so she could reach out and touch him. She just needed to touch him. "I'm so sorry about Lucas; I had no idea he was coming, I swear." Her eyes pleaded for him to understand and he hated that she felt so guilty about this on top of everything else she was dealing with.

He had already stripped down to his boxers and quickly sat on the bed, grabbing her fidgeting hands in his and tenderly caressing them. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You deserve to have all the support you need right now Hales and my issues with Lucas aren't important. I overreacted and I'm the one who's sorry."

She sighed with relief, fears of another fight between them and another night in their big bed alone, dispelled. He really could not have been any more supportive of her during all of this and she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have him. "You're too good to be true sometimes, you know that?"

Nathan smirked and shrugged nonchalantly. "Eh, I try."

Haley grinned widely and giggled, his playfulness washing all of her tension away. Her face seemed to light up with happiness as she looked at him and he marveled once again at her beauty, wondering how Mitchell could have been so stupid to let her go and why no one had snatched her up before he came along; shuddering at the thought. His breath caught in his throat as she gazed at him with such adoration, trust and love; something no one else had ever done before. She saw him; the real him and she loved what she saw.

He found it so easy to love her with every fiber of his being but had wondered on more than one occasion why she felt the same way about him. Looking at her now, he didn't need to know why, he was simply thankful that she did. He watched her eyelids flutter shut as she leaned in to press her lips to his, her tongue snaking out trace them. He didn't close his eyes, he didn't deepen the kiss; instead he placed his hands on either side of her face as they pulled apart and said the words he'd wanted to say for almost as long as he'd known her.

"Marry me."


	18. Decisions

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 18** – Decisions

**A/N: **_Thanks again for the wonderful reviews. Thanks to Dawn (BabbleBaby)and Elena (Typokween) for your help and also to Kris for your support._

* * *

Brooke closed the door behind her, a slight smile on her lips just thinking about the beautiful little girl asleep in her room. Jenny had been extra clingy throughout the evening, demanding her attention and Jake's whenever she could and refusing to go to bed until late; something that was completely out of character and the brunette couldn't help wondering if it was because she had sensed the tension between herself and Jake. She'd tried her best to act normally since her - well, she didn't really know what to call it, but the best she come up with was 'falling out' – with Jake the day before when he'd been unable to tell her he believed they have a happily ever after of their own. They way he'd looked down at her, the pleading tone as he'd said her name, God it still cut her to the bone. This was the man she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with and all of a sudden she's discovered that might not be the case.

"Is she asleep?"

She looked up startled by the sound of his voice, not realizing he'd been standing in the hallway watching her. God he was handsome standing there in his dirty old jeans and wrinkled shirt, his brown wavy hear sticking out all over the place and his day old stubble adding a rugged edge that always had her wanting to tear his clothes off. But it was the eyes that got her every time. He had these amazing brown eyes which held unknown depths and could draw her in until she didn't know who she was anymore. It used to be that just looking at him would make the world disappear, make her heart soar and face light up… but not tonight. She couldn't look at him without feeling betrayal and fear. Fear that he'd realized after all this time that he made a mistake choosing her. That she wasn't the best person to be a mother to his daughter, to be the wife by his side for the rest of his life. Looking at him tonight hurt her and the only way to protect herself was to get angry.

"Yeah." She mumbled avoiding his gaze, wishing he'd never spoken to her in the first place. It felt like all she'd need was the slightest push and she'd be screaming at him. Never looking him in the eye she walked straight past him and into their living area which also doubled as her work studio. If she pretended to busy maybe he'd leave her alone.

"Brooke."

She winced. There was that tone again; the pleading tone that begged her to understand at the same time as apologizing for hurting her. The problem was she didn't even know what he was apologizing for yet… but obviously he did.

"I'm kinda busy Jake."

He sighed dejectedly, hating this distance between them. They'd always had such a great relationship and had been able to communicate even if it was arguing, especially Brooke who never held back, so this silent treatment stuff was killing him. Something was very wrong here. "Well when _will_ you be finished? We need to talk about this."

"I don't know. It'll probably be a late one again."

Jake scoffed not ready to let her spend another night ignoring him and the issues between them. He'd made a big mistake the day before and unfortunately he hadn't been able to explain himself, but he deserved the chance now. "Okay, so I guess you're going to sleep out here again then?"

She felt guilty for that. There had barely been a single night in the past few years when they hadn't shared a bed, yet last night she hadn't been able to go to their room. She couldn't quite place her feelings, but it had felt wrong going to him, sliding into bed with him if he wasn't sure that she was the one he wanted to share his bed with forever. He'd proposed to her! That was supposed to mean forever!

"I didn't want to wake you."

"Like that's ever stopped you before! You've woken me up countless times because you wanted to show me a new design, or you'd come up with a new idea for your line… or just because you wanted to make love." Raking a hand through his already mussed hair, Jake's eyes bore into hers. "We both know you're lying."

"I'm lying? Let's talk about you and your lies Jake."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me - how about a little truth for once, huh?"

"I have no idea what game you're playing Brooke, but I really want to work out this issue between us so I'll play along. What are you talking about? When have I been untruthful?"

"Um let me see… how about every time you keep making up excuses for not setting a wedding date?" Even though it brought not one scrap of satisfaction to know she was right, she smirked knowingly at him when he winced, knowing he was finally being called out on his aversion to discussing their wedding plans. "And I'm starting to think maybe the biggest lie of all was your proposal to me because it's rapidly becoming very clear that you don't want to marry me at all."

She was shaking and her eyes shone with anger, hurt and betrayal; her voice rising steadily until she broke off her rant with a shaky tone. He'd wanted her to stop acting like pod-Brooke, but if he'd known just how much she was bottling up inside he may have changed his mind. Seeing her this way broke his heart because he knew it was his fault. He should have been open with her from the start… about everything.

"Brooke."

"Stop it! Stop saying my name like that - like you're about to break my heart. Just do it already and then maybe I'll know what it is exactly that I've got to be mad at you for."

"I… I'm sorry. I know I hurt you yesterday and I would never mean to do that baby. I promise you that." She looked so vulnerable and he couldn't believe he'd hurt this woman he loved so much.

"Then why? Why don't you think we're going to be happy? Do you regret putting this ring on my finger?"

"I…" He hesitated. How could he tell her that a part of him did regret it, but not for the reason she was thinking. It was guilt that had him putting off selecting a date; guilt that had him avoiding discussions about the wedding. He loved her and he'd have her by his side forever if he had it his way, but not at her expense.

"No! Forget it Jake. I don't need an explanation. Your inability answer me _again_ says it all. If you really wanted to marry me it wouldn't be so hard to answer the damn question."

"I love you, Brooke."

"Yeah, just not enough, I guess." She choked, the tears that had been miraculously held at bay now streaming down her cheeks.

"Damnit, please just listen to me baby." He reached for her, needing a physical connection when they were so disconnected emotionally, but she jerked away from him as though his touch would burn. "Please, just listen to me."

She couldn't hear him above the whirring in her ears, the pounding of her heart as her whole world fell down around her. Every dream she'd had in the last few years revolved around him and his daughter. They were enmeshed in her life and her heart and now that the future she'd been so looking forward to was disappearing from view she didn't know what to do.

A knock at the door felt like her saving grace for Brooke as Jake struggled with the decision of whether to ignore it and push her to listen to him or answer it in case it was important. It was getting late for social calls and with everything going on in Nathan and Haley's lives at the moment it could have been serious. Sighing with frustration he moved across the room and swung the door opened; his jaw dropping when he took in the image of a depressed looking Lucas standing there. He'd had no idea the guy was even in town.

"Uh, hey Jake."

"Lucas."

"Um… is Brooke around?" The blonde asked nervously sensing the tension radiating throughout the room.

"Actually, we're kind of in the middle of something. Can you see her tomorrow?" Jake asked through gritted teeth. He knew it was irrational but at this point with his relationship on the line and Brooke's ex-boyfriend playing a part in his issues, albeit a small part, Lucas was the last thing he needed to deal with right now.

"Hi Luke." Brooke smiled softly as she approached the door, her tears wiped away, but obvious signs of her crying still visible. "What's up?"

"Oh, um… it's okay. I wanted to speak to you about something but I'll just come back tomorrow."

"No it's okay. I'll just get my purse." She said walking stiffly across the room to the coffee table and grabbing her purse, keys and cell phone. Refusing to look at her fiancé for fear of collapsing with grief she brushed straight past him and pushed Luke forward off the porch.

"What? Brooke." Jake called in a panic. They couldn't leave it like this. She had mistaken his silence as not wanting to be with her when it was the opposite. He was worried she didn't really want to be with him; that he'd trapped her into a commitment when he'd asked her to marry him. A proposal that had truthfully come about when he discovered she's been asked to take part in a program for emerging fashion designers in New York, something that would have taken her out of their lives for at least a year. At the time he'd told himself that if she accepted his proposal and turned down the opportunity, then it was her choice and she obviously didn't want it to begin with, but over time he'd felt the guilt fester within him slowly rotting away and tarnishing their relationship. That was why he'd avoided a date, why he didn't talk about the wedding… because he felt as though he'd robbed her of her future.

"No Jake. I think we're done, don't you?"

As he watched her walk away from him with the man she'd loved before he ever came along, Jake wondered if this was his punishment or if maybe this was how it was meant to be and he'd been delaying the inevitable. He deserved to the feel the pain tearing at his heart; deserved every ounce of hurt that came his way but what about Jenny? She would lose the most out of them all.

* * *

"_Marry Me"_

Haley's eyes widened with shock, immediately searching his for any sign he was joking or that she'd misheard his proposal. "Nathan?"

He saw her confusion and knew he'd been impulsive, but this was right; he knew in his heart that he was doing the right thing. "I know it's kind of sudden and we've always said we'd wait to make sure we weren't rushing in, but I don't want to wait any more Hales. You're it for me. You are the person I want by my side for the rest of my life. I want to put a ring on your finger and let everyone know that you're mine and I'm yours and we're a family. All of us."

Her heart was racing and while she wanted to scream out that of course she'd marry him, but she couldn't seem to make a sound. Her legs felt like jelly and she promptly sat back on her heels, her hands wrapping around his strong wrists to anchor her; it always felt like he could ground her and make her feel safe.

"Hales?" Nathan suppressed his fears that she was about to refuse him and crawled onto the bed so that he knelt in front of her, taking both of her hands and kissing them gently, smiling as he felt the involuntary shiver that ran through her.

Shaking her head, Haley lifted her eyes from where she'd been watching his lips touch her fingers so gently and focused her gaze on his eyes which she was pretty sure hadn't left her since he'd uttered those two amazing words.

"Yes" she croaked, her throat tight with emotion.

"Yes?"

At his hopeful tone and the excitement dancing in his eyes, Haley grinned widely and nodded before throwing herself into his arms, sending them both falling back onto the mattress. Shifting to straddle him, she sat up and ginned down at her new fiancé, her fingers tenderly tracing the features of his handsome face; the face she'd get to wake up to for the rest of her life. Was it even possible to be this happy?

"We're getting married." She whispered still half unbelieving that this man who had done nothing but give her his heart and proven to her time and time again that he loved her and her son; who had given her a baby she'd been certain she'd never have, was here swearing to love her forever. In that moment there was not a thing wrong in her world - no meddling, disapproving mother, no hurtful ex-husband, no cancer… it all disappeared from her mind as she focused solely on an amazing future with her soon-to-be husband and their children.

It had been a while since he'd seen that sparkle in her eyes, the way the beautiful brown orbs, which he would often lose himself in, shone bright and clear with no trace of worry or fear. She was happy in this moment and he'd spend the rest of his life fighting to keep her that way. He watched with silent wonder as she gripped the hem of her singlet top and quickly lifted it over her head, flinging it across the room and exposing her soft porcelain skin and perfect breasts swelling as she grew larger with their child. It took only a second for his body to react, becoming hard within moments and he knew she felt it by the satisfied look on her face. Oh, yes, Haley James… soon-to-be Scott knew the power she held over him.

They made love that night so slowly, so tenderly that Nathan wondered if it was all a dream, the way they whispered nonsensical words of love and forever which only heightened the connection; the way she clung to him, wrapped herself around him like a vine as he sank into her again and again before finally reaching a climax together that had shocked them both with its intensity. Afterwards, he stroked her quivering body, needing to feel her, to know that she was real and his caresses calmed her until she fell into an exhausted, satisfied sleep, her lips curled into a smile, head buried in his neck… her legs entwined with his.

With all the energy he could muster, Nathan pulled the sheets up around them not bothering to put their night clothes on as they usually did with a child in the house. He didn't want anything separating his skin from hers because at that moment he felt connected to Haley in a way that made him wonder where he ended and she began. She was a part of him; this amazing, beautiful woman was in his blood, his heart, his soul and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Haley noticed JJ watching her speculatively, obviously noticing her change of mood. She'd been so stressed lately that even when trying to appear as though nothing was bothering her, she'd still seemed restrained with her smiles and laughter. But this morning, even with her doctor's appointment looming, she could not contain her happiness.

"Mom. You're acting kind of weird."

"Am I?" she asked flippantly, blushing as Nathan winked at her and discreetly pinched her ass behind the bench so that JJ couldn't see.

"Uh-huh. And so are you." He said accusingly as Nathan glanced over at him. After their discussion the night before, the boy had been a little shy first thing this morning and Nathan knew he was still unsure about whether he should call him Dad. Deciding some 'male bonding' time was needed, Nathan had taken the eight year old out the back to shoot some hoops; JJ in his pajamas and Nathan in his boxers and a t-shirt, and he'd told JJ that he meant everything the night before and that if he felt comfortable, he wanted him to call him Dad. Now that he and Haley were failing to conceal the fact that they had a secret of some sort, it seemed that their son felt a little left out and that Nathan was betraying the new father–son bond they had formed.

"We're just happy buddy." Nathan offered while pouring milk over his cereal, not sure if Haley was ready to break the news of their engagement to JJ yet. He glanced across to find her smiling at him and she nodded quickly letting him know that they may as well tell share their news.

"Actually, we've got something to tell you. Come sit down for a minute. You've got a little time before Jake and Jenny get here."

Crinkling his brow JJ dropped his bag on the floor near the door and made his way over to the table, quickly snatching a piece of toast off Nathan's plate and barely concealing a smirk as the older man swatted his head playfully.

"You snooze, you lose." JJ snickered with a mouthful of food.

"JJ! No talking with your mouth full." Haley admonished, but she couldn't help giggling at the adorable sight of her two boys clowning around. It just reinforced how right she was to accept Nathan's proposal. He was a wonderful father and they made a great family - this would just make it all official.

"Sorry" he muttered without a trace of remorse. "So what's up?"

Haley hesitated for a moment, almost positive that her son would be thrilled with the news, but also worried that with all of the other changes and stresses to come into their lives over the next six months, that maybe it will all be too much. She looked across to Nathan and signaled for him to take over.

"I've asked your mom to marry me."

JJ's eyes widened with surprise and turning to his mother for confirmation he found her smiling shyly. "Crikey. This is soooo cool." He shrieked, jumping of his chair to hug Nathan and then Haley before stepping back and narrowing his eyes at his mother. "You said 'yes', right?"

"Yep. We're getting married… and you Mister have been watching way too much Crocodile Hunter." She'd still never understand the fascination he and Nathan had with watching a man put himself in dangerous situations everyday.

"Is the wedding going to be soon?"

"We don't know yet buddy. We haven't had a chance to decide anything yet."

"Okay" The boy nodded thoughtfully for a moment and then scrunched up his face. "I'm not wearing a skirt!"

Nathan chuckled and shook his head in bewilderment. "Why would you think you have to wear a skirt?"

"Brady Maguire had to wear a skirt to his big sister's wedding. I'm not wearing one!"

Haley laughed and pulled her son into her arms, ruffling his hair slightly. "That was a Scottish wedding sweetie. All the men had to wear kilts, not skirts… and no, you won't have to wear a kilt. I promise. Now do you have everything ready for school?"

The sound of a car horn could be heard and JJ kissed his mom's cheek. "I've already got my lunch packed and Jake's here to pick me up."

"Well aren't you organized this morning?"

JJ grinned not bothering to tell her that Nathan had made him a sandwich and organized some fruit and snacks. Now that his mom was having a baby they had to be the men of the house and make sure she didn't have too much work to do. "Yep. Don't forget I've got swimming after school so you have to pick me up from the pool."

"Okay sweetie. I won't forget."

JJ made his way to the door and turned with a grin on his face. "And mom, I forgot to tell you. Nathan's my dad now, okay?" The little boy chuckled at the look of shock on his mother's face and rolled his eyes at Nathan who had wrapped his arm around Haley's waist, smiling. "Bye Mom. Bye Dad."

Haley turned to face Nathan, a bewildered smile on her face. "When did this happen?"

Pulling her closer and placing a kiss on her forehead, Nathan grinned back looking as childishly happy as her son had. "Last night. I stopped in to check on him when I got home and he asked me if I would be his Dad."

"Oh, Nathan! This is amazing. I can't believe it; we've wanted this so much. I'm so happy for you and for JJ… and me. I'm just happy." Her voice trembled as a few tears spilled down her cheek.

"Then why are you crying?" he teased, wiping her tears away.

"Oh just shut up and kiss me fiancé." She laughed, pulling his head down to hers, pouring all of her happiness into their kiss. All of their troubles and all of their fears were banished in that moment as they took delight in living what was part of their dream.


	19. Breaking It Gently

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 19** – Breaking It Gently

**A/N: **_Thank you to everyone who is still reading and special thanks to those who have taken the time to leave feedback. It's always much appreciated. I know it's been a little while since I updated, but I've just been so concentrated on my other fic Little White Lies. I think it's a little easier to write fluff at the moment, especially with the current storyline on the show.__Thanks to Bec (pinkythesupergirl) for taking the time beta another loooong chapter for me again and also to __Dawn (BabbleBaby) and __Kris for your support and hand holding through this difficult update. It probably wouldn't be finished without you.  
_

* * *

"Hi Haley, Nathan. Take a seat." 

Haley offered a shy smile; still mortified by how she'd acted the last time she was in this office. In the larger scheme of things it really shouldn't matter what her doctor thought of her, but it did. The way she'd behaved had been totally out of character and she was sorry for the way she'd spoken to him.

"Hi Dr. Parish." Nathan offered his hand across the desk and the two men shook hands quickly before the doctor turned his attention towards Haley with a smile.

"How are you doing Haley?" he asked softly.

"I'm good." She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "Look, I'm really sorry for how I acted before. I don't know what came over me."

Dr. Parish raised his hand to silence her. "There's no need to apologize to me, Haley. You were distressed and understandably so. It's already forgotten."

She sent him a small smile of gratitude as she felt Nathan reach across and take her hand like he'd done last time. It was such a comfort.

"Okay, so today you need to make some decisions. I need you to understand that as your doctor I am going to offer you my recommendations even though you may not like them; but please remember that they are just that – recommendations. If you strongly disagree then that's fine. Ultimately it's your choice. I assume you want to make the decision together, but in the end," he looked at Nathan, "in the end it's Haley's decision."

Nathan nodded, understanding the comments. He already knew that his fiancé wouldn't be making the choice he wanted, but he would support her no matter what and his job was to make sure she knew that.

"Okay, so have you considered my previous treatment option any further?"

Haley's hand tensed beneath Nathan's and he wondered if she was going to lose it again, but she simply squeezed his hand and took a deep breath. "While I understand that medically it's the best advice you could give me, and I know Nathan would prefer that option, I haven't changed my mind. I'd like to know my other options please."

"Okay." The doctor agreed with a smile before continuing. "My next recommendation would be a less aggressive form of treatment that would normally be recommended to mothers who don't have your history with this illness. Your pregnancy will continue as normal until thirty six weeks when we would induce labor and then within a couple of days we'd start you on the more aggressive treatment. Besides having your baby one month early and not being able to breastfeed you are able to have a very normal pregnancy and birth."

"No."

Dr. Parish looked up from his notes startled. "No?"

Nathan looked sharply at his fiancé, wondering what she was doing. This was the perfect solution. He'd read the information online and was comfortable that having the baby one month early would not cause any risk for the baby. They'd been giving chemotherapy to pregnant mothers for quite a few years now and the tests carried out showed no effects on the baby. It was the perfect solution, yet Haley was refusing it.

"I'm not happy with option Dr. Parish."

"I assure you Haley that the likelihood of your baby having any complications from being born one month early is absolutely minimal. All major organs are developed and there is little risk of ongoing health issues."

"Haley, c'mon. This is the perfect solution. What's the problem?" Nathan asked, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. He did not want this to spiral into another screaming match.

Turning in her seat, Haley sighed, knowing that in all honestly the two of them should have discussed the information they'd read rather than pushing everything to the back of their minds until today. It was all well and good to try to give themselves a reprieve from this nightmare but if they were going to support each other they needed to be on the same page.

"You know how important this baby is to me?" she prompted softly, realizing she'd made a mistake when he stiffened, retracting his hand from hers.

"Yes, I know. As the baby's father it's important to me too." He bristled defensively.

"Of course. I know that. I don't question that at all Nathan. What I mean to say is that I won't take any chances with our child's welfare."

"But you heard Dr. Parish, Hales. There's no need to worry about the early birth."

Leaning forward, the doctor interrupted. "I'm sorry to interrupt but I really do want to assure you Haley that you really shouldn't be concerned about the early delivery… and if it really does bother you we can push it back out to a full term pregnancy."

Nathan smiled at the doctor. If it meant her waiting an extra month to get the aggressive treatment rather than not getting any at all then he was willing to be damn happy with that choice.

Haley shook her head. "That's not the problem. I just need you to hear me out." She said to Nathan before turning back to the doctor. "I know that tests and studies have been carried out and they didn't find any health problems with the babies whose mother's have received chemotherapy during their pregnancies."

He nodded "That's right."

"And how old are the children that have been studied?"

"Sorry?" the doctor asked not liking where this was going.

"Because these treatments are so new, isn't it true that you have no idea what effect the treatments will have on these babies in the long term?"

"Now, Haley. Of course we can't guarantee you anything but we're fairly certain…"

"It's not enough. Fairly certain is not enough for me Dr. Parish."

"Hales, please be reasonable. Your life is at risk here and you're going into 'what ifs' and hypotheticals."

She did her best to remain calm because she knew Nathan wasn't being thoughtless and it didn't mean he didn't care about their child, he just hadn't thought this through as much as she had… and she was willing to risk her life for their child. He loved her so much she could see he wasn't.

"Nathan," she pleaded softly willing him to listen, really listen to her. "I'm not doing this to be difficult. I'm scared okay? I'm really scared… but do you really think I could live with myself if because of this treatment our child had to suffer? What if ten years from now our little boy's kidneys started to fail? What if fifteen years from now our little girl found out she'd never be able to have children because this chemo damaged her ovaries," she choked on her words, knowing herself how devastating that would be.

He felt sick. These were things he hadn't even considered and he could see why she was having trouble making this decision. God, he'd been so sure of what he wanted from the word go, had been pushing all thoughts of their baby aside subconsciously protecting himself from the hurt to come and possibly feeling a little resentment that this baby could be the reason he loses Haley. Oh, how he loathed himself for it, but it was the truth. Maybe he was a bad father.

Then there was this part of him that was so fiercely protective of his unborn child. How had he gone from trying to convince his fiancé to terminate the pregnancy, to stressing about possible, hypothetical health problems it might have in the future? He knew he'd hate for anything to be wrong with his child and that he, and especially Haley would feel guilty for any part they played in their child's suffering, yet he still couldn't bring himself to agree with her going another four months without chemo. Those four months without treatment could be her death sentence.

"I couldn't live with myself, Nathan. I'd feel so guilty."

"At least you'd be alive." He snapped, instantly regretting it and dropping his head into hands. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

Haley sat back and watched the man she loved more than anything looking so scared and defeated. He'd been so supportive and not mentioned a word about their fight, and although she knew in the back of her mind it didn't mean he'd ever agree with, he'd even told her he didn't agree, she realized now just how hard this was on him. He'd been holding himself together for her and she loved him even more for it. Reaching out tentatively, she placed her hand on his back, rubbing it gently, soothing him.

"I'm sorry. I know this is hard on you too and I know that I'm a hypocrite apologizing but doing what I want anyway… I just have to do what I think is right, Nathan."

He looked up, his eyes glossy, an obvious sheen of unshed tears evident and nodded his head before plastering on a smile that broke her heart because she knew his smiles; smiles that could make her heart flip and shine like the sun on a summer day, and this one was purely for show, but selfishly she'd pretend that she didn't notice. It was easier to pretend.

Looking back at Dr. Parish who appeared to be slightly uncomfortable, she realized that he probably felt as though he was intruding on a private moment. But quickly a mask of professionalism covered his discomfort.

"Okay, well with those options ruled out I think the best thing we can do is remove the lump and wait until after the birth to commence chemotherapy."

Haley nodded, already having guessed from her research that this would be the most likely choice for her. "How soon can we do it?"

"I can schedule your surgery for as early as tomorrow, Haley. Any day this week is fine, but I do suggest we move as quickly as possible on this."

"Okay. How long will I be in hospital? Is it a day surgery?"

"You're likely to be here for a few days so that we can keep an eye on the wound and ward off infection. We'll be aiming for a 'Breast Conserving Surgery' which is less invasive and more cosmetically pleasing."

Haley swallowed, feeling shallow but very worried about how her breast will look afterwards. "Aiming for?" she asked nervously.

"It appears to be a relatively small tumor and I hope it is contained, however if I find it to be larger than I'd like or that it has spread… I'll have to opt for a mastectomy Haley."

Nathan watched her shudder and reached for her hand, all the while chanting in his head 'It's only a breast. It's only a breast. It's only a breast.'

"Do you… do you think it's likely I'm going to lose my whole breast?"

"I really can't say Haley, but I do promise you that I'll try my best to leave as much viable breast tissue as I can if possible." He smiled at her but then continued, "but if I do feel it's required I will perform a full mastectomy."

Haley nodded, trying not to panic. She felt so petty and vain worrying about losing a breast when her and her child's life were in danger but she couldn't help it. Any woman would be nervous about losing something that such a big part of making them a woman. Glancing across at Nathan she saw him trying to show his support and encouragement but there was a sliver of anxiety visible in his eyes. What would he think if his fiancé came out of surgery with only one breast? Would he be okay with it? Would she repulse him? No, she couldn't think like that! Nathan loved her no matter what.

"So I'd be wearing a fake boob for the rest of my life?" she asked trying to pull off a joking tone, but falling short of the mark.

"It's really a personal choice Haley. Some women never wear anything, others stick with a prosthesis and some get reconstructive surgery later on. There are some great surgeons out there who do wonderful reconstructive work."

"I guess I'll organize some more time off work." She muttered, deciding to worry about her options later. Now she needed to think about the day to day running of their family. With her completely out of action for up to a week or two it would fall solely on Nathan to look after her and JJ. God, he'd have to take more time off too, although she'd convince him to keep going to practices. It was only a couple of hours a day.

"Don't worry about that stuff, Hales. I'll organize everything for you." He squeezed her hand.

"Tomorrow then?" she asked Dr. Parish fighting to keep a smile on her face.

"Sure. I'll book you in for tomorrow afternoon. Make sure you don't eat or drink anything after midnight tonight and get here by 1pm so that the nurses have plenty of time to prep you before surgery."

Hearing the doctor talking about all the tangible aspects of preparing for an operation, Nathan was suddenly hit with the reality of it all. Haley was going under the knife tomorrow, surgery a danger in itself, and then facing the prospect of losing her breast. She was putting on a brave face, but he knew how torn up she would be about it.

"You need to take this out to the nurse's station and they'll give you the paperwork you need to complete before you leave."

Haley took the folder in her shaking hand. "Thank you."

Nathan watched Dr. Parish glance at him and knew he wanted to speak with him alone. Following Haley out of the office, he put his hand on her arm. "I'll meet you in a minute. I just need to use the bathroom."

Kissing her cheek and watching her walk up the corridor, Nathan quickly ducked back into the doctor's office, his hand in the front pockets of his jeans.

"I just wanted to have a quick word with you Nathan." He gestured for him to take a seat again.

"Sure."

"I know this must be a really difficult situation for you and I think you're doing a great job of supporting Haley through this."

Nathan had no idea how to respond to that. Of course he was supporting her; he loved her. It's not like he deserved a medal or anything.

"From Haley's reaction earlier I can see that she is extremely worried about the operation and the possibility of losing her breast. She's going to need your support and I can see that you will be more than capable of looking after her and being there for her."

"Of course." Nathan answered brusquely.

"A mastectomy can be devastating for a woman and I know from experience how helpless you can feel watching your partner go through not only the recovery from the operation but all the issues that linger long afterwards."

"Your wife?"

Dr. Parish nodded. "Stephanie had her first mastectomy almost five years ago and then her second two years later. She's had reconstructive surgery and has come to terms with her body image issues, but it was a long hard road Nathan. The main thing Haley is going to need is to feel like you still find her desirable, that she's still a woman in your eyes."

"I wouldn't ever see her as anything else. I love her and it doesn't matter what she looks like."

"I do not doubt that, Nathan. I can see it plain as day, but unfortunately that's not going to be enough. Logically she may know and understand that, but you're going to have to show her and keep reminding her – in subtle ways – that this doesn't change the way you feel about her. Her doubts would probably have already started so keep that in mind before the surgery okay?"

Nathan nodded, glad that they'd had this conversation. He felt like he was drowning; not knowing how to deal with everything that was happening, and to know someone else who has been through it would be a help.

"Thanks. I appreciate your advice." Nathan stood and shook the doctor's hand. "I'd better get back to her."

"Try to make sure she gets some rest. I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Haley was glad that Karen had invited her and Brooke to come over for lunch. It had been a while since the three of them had caught up and she needed to tell them both about her surgery tomorrow anyway... and her engagement of course. 

"You two are both quieter than I've ever seen you. Want to tell me what's going on?" Karen asked with a gentle smile after they'd finished washing the lunch dishes. She knew Haley had a lot to deal with at the moment but it still surprised her how solemn she seemed; a very different woman from the one who'd been at the café the night before. She only hoped it had nothing to do with that son of hers. She loved Lucas dearly but it seemed like trouble followed him everywhere lately. The last thing Nathan and Haley needed now was to deal with the lingering issues between the two brothers.

Brooke shrugged. "I don't know where to start." She said sadly.

"How about you start with what's bothering you the most right now sweetheart?" Karen stroked her hair maternally, a surrogate mother to both these girls who couldn't rely on their own mothers to be there for them.

"Jake and I had a huge fight last night… it sort of started earlier than that but it got really heated and I think I may have overreacted. Then Luke showed up and I left with him because he needed to talk about this stuff between him and Nathan at the River court last night…"

Haley's interest piqued at that little bit of information. Nathan hadn't mentioned it, but if Lucas had felt the need to seek out Brooke for comfort she could imagine it hadn't been pretty. Sighing, she knew he wouldn't have confided in her because he didn't want to burden her with anything he deemed unnecessary when she already had so much to deal with. Brooke continued "and he, well… he kissed me." She grimaced remembering how awkward that little situation had been.

"Brooke! You kissed Lucas? What about Jake?" Haley exclaimed, very definitely brought out of her thoughts of her fiancé at the surprising revelation from her friend.

"No! I said _he_ kissed _me_. And let me tell you I ripped him a new one." Brooke declared triumphantly.

"Lucas Scott? My son? The son I raised better than to run around kissing married women?" Karen asked in disbelief.

Brooke blushed. "Oh crap. I'm sorry Karen. I guess I forgot you were his mom for a second there."

"I can't believe he did that Brooke. I'll have to have a word with him, I think." She promised disappointedly.

"Don't be too hard on him Karen. I was pretty harsh myself… and we had a good talk. He's going through some stuff and it was just a stupid impulse. I've forgiven him already." She sighed dejectedly "And for the record, I'm hardly a married woman. I actually don't even know if I'm engaged anymore to be honest."

"What? Brooke what's going on?" Haley asked immediately forgetting all about her own problems. This was unbelievable. Brooke and Jake were… well, they were Brooke and Jake. They couldn't be over.

"I know I'm probably being melodramatic, but there's something really wrong in our relationship. I'm not sure he still loves me… at least not the way he used to."

Karen and Haley both protested, but Brooke waved them off. "I think I just have to talk to him. If he isn't sure or he's having serious doubts about us getting married then it's better to find out now before the marriage rather than going through with it and everything falling down around us later. I don't want that for us… especially not for Jenny." A tear spilled down her cheek at the thought of a life without that little girl and her amazing, but infuriating father. The worst thing she should do was dwell on it. There was no point preparing for the worst until she'd sat down and had a proper conversation with her fiancé. Her face flamed, remembering the childish way she'd acted the night before, leaving without finish their discussion and then staying overnight at a friend's place rather than going home. She'd let Jake no of course, but she still owed him an apology for her behavior. It was irresponsible, especially if Jenny awoke wondering where she was.

Wanting to move on to a different topic, she shrugged carelessly, hoping they'd buy her nonchalance but the other women knew it wasn't as simple as that. Brooke was madly in love with Jake and if things ended she'd be devastated. Not only that, there was little Jenny to worry about.

"God, I'm going to have to tell Jake about Luke. I think I might have to grovel" Brooke groaned with a dramatic sigh and then wrinkled her nose comically which made both Karen and Haley laugh. It was no secret how much Brooke hated to grovel. She poked her tongue out at them, and was grateful that the mood had been lightened a little.

As Haley listened to Brooke's concerns about her relationship she couldn't help but think about her own. She and Nathan were a strong couple and she couldn't imagine loving or trusting anyone more, but she would be lying if she said she didn't have some concerns about how their relationship would be strained throughout the next few months, but she had faith that they'd make it. God, if Nathan still wanted her after they hacked off her breast then she knew he was a keeper.

Haley was brought out of her reverie as she heard Brooke chuckle then wail dramatically "God my life sucks!"

Without even thinking, Haley blurted out "I have to get my lump removed and might lose my breast."

At the shocked look on her friend's faces Haley shrugged, suddenly feeling lighter now that she'd said the words out loud to someone else.

"Okay. You win." Brooke quipped, sitting up from where she'd collapsed on the couch during her dramatic Scarlett O'Hara-esque moment.

"Just putting it in perspective" Haley smirked, surprised and pleased by the fact that she honestly did not feel like bursting into tears. She felt as though the situation was sinking in and her only option was to forge on and fight like hell to get her and the baby through this.

"Oh God, I'm such a bad friend. I completely forgot you had your appointment this morning and here I go spouting off about my stupid boy drama."

Haley knew even though her friend was trivializing her own issues that it really wasn't 'boy drama' at all. The situation with Jake was really upsetting her, but like a good friend she was quickly pushing it aside to listen to Haley's troubles.

Karen reached out a hand and squeezed Haley's. "I'm sorry honey. How are you doing?"

Haley shook her head and laughed without humor. "I'm okay, just nervous I guess." Brooke and Karen looked at her doubtfully and she knew they wouldn't accept her placating answer. "I'm scared shitless to be honest… but surprisingly I feel calmer than I thought I'd be. I don't know, I just feel like I need to take it one step at a time. If I wake up tomorrow missing a breast... well, yeah it's going to be upsetting but it's not the end of the world. I'd rather lose that than my child. Thinking that way really puts it all into perspective for me you know?"

Brooke watched her friend trying to be strong and a feeling of sheer dread washed over her. What if everything didn't turn out okay? What if Haley didn't beat it this time? A world without Haley James was just unimaginable and she wanted to cry at the thought, but there was no way she'd show her fears. Haley needed everyone around her to be positive.

"You're going to be fine, Hales. I don't know anyone stronger than you." Brooke stated with all the confidence she could muster. Giving her friend a quick hug she pulled back and smiled at her. "You know we're all here for you right? Anything you need whether it's just to talk, or cry or to look after JJ… or to go on a shopping spree. I'm your girl!"

"Thank you Brooke." Haley laughed hugging the girl again and feeling so lucky to have such great friends. "Although I don't know how strong I'd be without Nathan behind me. I think he's taking this the hardest especially because of Deb." She glanced at Karen who she knew understood what Nathan had gone through. "He's probably being stronger about all this than I am. He's been an amazing support to me."

Karen smiled, pulling the girl into her arms. "You sound a little surprised Haley, but you shouldn't be; there's nothing more important in this world to that boy than you." Brushing Haley's hair back off her face tenderly, Karen continued. "Deb's illness hit him hard and I know this is too, but he's a different person now Haley. He's grown into a man I am so proud of and he'll do anything he can to protect you."

"I know and I guess that's what makes this so hard." The older woman looked at her questioningly. "He's being so great to me even when I don't deserve it. We're in this together yet I get to make all the decisions… and even though I know he disagrees with me I'm doing what I want anyway… and he just keeps standing by me. I'm half expecting to turn and find him gone one day." She joked, not really thinking that Nathan would abandon her but understanding why he might after the way she'd treated him lately and ultimately disregarded his feelings with the decisions of her treatment.

Brooke moved over to sit next to Haley on the sofa and hugged her tightly. "He loves you, Hales. He'd do anything for you and even though I understand his concerns, I see why you've made your decision."

"Me too. It's hard for any man to understand, especially one that doesn't have a child of his own… not that I'm taking anything away from Nathan and JJ's relationship… but until you experience your child being born into the world and how helpless and dependent on you they are, you can't understand how intense the need to protect them is. I get why you're putting this baby ahead of yourself Haley. It's a tough decision but sometimes you have to stick by your decisions even when they hurt others."

"Speaking of… how is JJ taking all of this?"

Haley paled, suddenly reminded of the talk that she and Nathan were going to have with their son in just a few short hours. "Actually, we haven't told him anything yet. I guess we just wanted to protect him from it all long as we could. We're telling him this afternoon. I'm going in for surgery tomorrow so we can't really leave it any longer."

"Not really." Brooke agreed feeling terrible for the little boy. "Hey, do you want me to take JJ tomorrow night?"

"I appreciate the offer Brooke, but I don't think you need to have JJ around at the moment. It's probably not a good idea when you and Jake really need to talk." She almost felt bad for reminding her friend whose smile slipped at her comment.

"Yeah, you're right, although I don't know when we're going to talk with Jenny around anyway."

"Well, I'd be happy to keep both kids here tomorrow night if you'd like. I can feed them at the café and let them play on the roof until closing, then bring them back for the night. You know I love having them." Karen offered with a genuine smile.

"Oh, Karen that would be great. Thank you." Brooke sighed relieved that she would have some quality time to talk things through with Jake.

Nodding, Haley returned her smile. "Thanks Karen but I don't know if JJ would spend the night here. I know Nathan will probably refuse to leave the hospital until visiting hours are over, but I think he and JJ should be together after that."

She also knew her son would want to be at the hospital with his her and Nathan, but she didn't want him to see her when she was still bound to be quite groggy and possibly dealing with the worst case scenario… waking up to find her breast missing.

"I think I'm gonna go. I want to make one of JJ's favorite dinners before Nathan brings him home." It was ridiculous to think it would soften the blow of the news they were going to give him, but she just wanted to do whatever she could to make it better. After hugging her friends' goodbye, Haley headed home determined to make everything perfect for her little boy. As she drove home in silence, preferring her own thoughts to the music she usually insisted upon it struck her that she'd forgotten to tell her friends about her engagement. A chuckle of disbelief escaped as she realised that although most women would be shouting their news from the rooftops... she'd simply forgotten. Life was messed up sometimes.

* * *

"Mom! We're home!" 

Haley heard JJ calling as she finished sprinkling the parmesan cheese on top of the last bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

"In the kitchen sweetie."

"Awesome!" her son exclaimed as he hugged her hello, almost drooling at the sight of their dinner on the table and sneaking a hand out to steal a strand of pasta, slurping it into his mouth and earning a playful swat from his mother.

"Why don't you go wash up before we eat?" He simply nodded and raced upstairs, excited that his mother had cooked one of his favorite dishes for dinner.

Nathan sidled up behind his fiancé – oh how he loved that word – and wrapped his arms around her waist, placing a soft kiss on her neck. "Mmm…smells good."

"I hope so. I want it to be perfect."

"I was talking about you, not the food." Haley smiled as he kissed her cheek before mimicking her son's earlier actions and stealing some pasta from the closest bowl. "But the food smells great too… tastes even better."

"I just wanted to do something nice for him, you know?" She said shyly.

He knew she'd been dreading this as much as he had but Nathan was determined to make this as easy for both Haley and JJ as he could. Turning her around he kissed her thoroughly, smiling against her lips as her hands slid up around his neck to play with the hair at his nape.

"I missed you this afternoon." He whispered as they pulled apart. He knew that she needed time to see her friends, but he'd spent all day worrying about her and if she was okay.

"I missed you too."

A sound of disgust alerted them to the fact that JJ had entered the room. "Can we please eat before I lose my appetite?"

Both parents chuckled at the boy, constantly surprised at the new sayings he was picking up from school. "Sure sweetie. Take a seat and we'll get started."

Dinner passed quickly as they listened to JJ chatter on about his day at school and his swimming practice afterwards. He'd changed so much since Nathan had come into their lives. Josh used to be more reserved with the adults in his life and the kids at school, but Nathan had given him a confidence in himself that really shone through.

"Can I go play video games now? I don't have any homework."

"Actually we need to talk to you for a minute first. Let's go into the lounge room." Nathan said, pulling out Haley's chair for her as he often did.

Once settled in the living area with Nathan and Haley on the sofa and JJ sitting on his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles beanbag in front of them, the boy looked towards his parents expectantly figuring that if he was in trouble his mom wouldn't have cooked spaghetti and meatballs for him.

Reaching for her son's hand, Haley held it softly and spoke with a small smile hoping to reassure him everything was alright. "Okay, honey. You remember how I told you when you were little I got sick?"

JJ nodded his head wearily. "Yeah. You had cancer but then you got better."

"Well, um… I have cancer again sweetie, and now I have to get better again." She said with a positivity she wasn't feeling.

"Oh." he said softly staring down at his hands, obviously seeing through her false cheer.

Haley glanced at Nathan helplessly, not knowing what to say. He squeezed her hand encouragingly before leaning forward and putting a hand on JJ's. "You okay buddy?"

JJ nodded his head without looking up but whispered "Are you going to die?"

As she saw his lower lip tremble Haley's heart broke. Why did her little boy have to go through this? It just wasn't fair. "No! No Josh, honey, please don't worry about that. C'mere" she reached out and pulled him up onto the couch between her and Nathan, tucking him into her side and kissing his forehead. "I have doctors looking after me and they're doing everything they can to make me better okay?"

Nathan watched the two most important people in his world clinging to each other and his heart broke. This whole situation was not fair to any of them and he felt so helpless. The most important thing right now was to explain everything to their boy as best as they could and make him feel reassured that things would be alright.

"Is it the same as before? In your baby making stuff?" Even in a distressing situation like this, the words of a child could break the ice and both Nathan and Haley chuckled slightly.

"It's a bit different this time. I found a lump in my breast…"

"And the lump is the cancer?" JJ jumped in with his question, trying to understand the situation as best he could.

"Yeah. They call it a tumor and I have to go to the hospital tomorrow so that they can take it out."

"Oh." JJ bit his lip suddenly scared again at the thought of his mom going to hospital. Tommy's grandma had gone into the hospital for an operation and she died. What if that happened to his mom?

Nathan could see Haley struggling to keep it together so he continued for her. "There's no need to be scared. The doctors know what they're doing and they just need to remove the lump to help mom get better okay?"

Feeling a little more at ease at Nathan's words, JJ asked "They're really cutting your boob open?" his expression half curious, half horrified.

"Yes, honey. They have to so that I don't get really sick." Her smile was plastered on and her eyes just holding the tears from falling but she wouldn't fall apart in front of her little boy.

"And then you won't be sick anymore?" he asked hopefully.

Nathan patted his shoulder in reassurance. "There's a little bit more to it than that buddy. After the baby is born, your mum will have to have Chemotherapy for a while."

Recognition flared in his eyes. "The medicine that makes you throw up?" he asked his mum wrinkling his nose in disgust. He hated taking medicine that was gross.

"Yep. But it's good for me and will make the cancer go away completely."

The boy's forehead creased and he looked confused. "So why don't you just have the medicine now and then you'll be all better for when the baby gets here?"

Haley avoided looking at her fiancé knowing this was always going to be a touchy subject between them. "Because the medicine could make the baby sick and we don't want that do we?"

"Does the baby have cancer too?" JJ stared up at his mother will worried eyes, his small hand moving to rest on her baby bump.

"No honey. The baby's perfectly healthy and I'm not going to let anything happen to your brother or sister or okay? I promise." She stroked his cheek wondering how it was possible to love a person so much.

"I know. You're the best mommy ever. You'll look after the baby." JJ said confidently hugging his mother "Besides, we've got Nath… Dad now. He won't let anything happen to any of us, will you Dad?"

As he saw the look of complete faith in his son's eyes, Nathan froze. The rushing in his ears was deafening and he felt his heart racing madly. He couldn't do this. He couldn't promise his little boy that everything would be fine when it could be a lie… but he couldn't let JJ worry either. Seeing fear in his eyes would be a kick to the gut and he knew he'd rather lie than disappoint him.

"Sure buddy. I won't let anything happen to any of you."

* * *

"Are you okay Hales?" Nathan asked as he slid into bed next to his fiancé who immediately scooted over laying her head on his chest and throwing her leg over his as thought she couldn't get close enough. He understood the impulse, wanting to hold her as close as he could. He was so freaked out that he didn't know how to handle it. It felt as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders and he didn't know if he could carry that weight. Haley needed him and he wanted to be there for her, be enough for her but he just never knew if he was doing or saying the right thing at the right time. And then there was JJ; his son. The boy was depending on him and looking up to him more than ever now and he already felt like a failure not being able to protect him from all of this to begin with. 

Then there was the baby… his child. The child he'd told his fiancé to abort! He felt like a monster. Whenever he thought about their baby his heart instantly filled with love and excitement and then it was like this switch in his brain would turn those feelings off and push all thoughts of the baby to the back of his mind. What kind of a father did that? He was already failing his child before it was born.

"Hmm" she sighed snuggling closer. "Nathan?" she whispered hesitantly.

He snapped out of his self-pitying and self-loathing thoughts when he heard the tone in her voice. "Yeah baby?"

"If I… if I come out of surgery tomorrow without my breast," she sniffled and his heart broke for her "Will that, um will you…"

Dr. Parish had been right. Even though he was sure deep down Haley knew his love for her was so great that his attraction was to more than just her physical appearance, she was doubting her attractiveness should a mastectomy be required. Were words going to be enough? Could he do this? How was he supposed to convince her that her fears were unfounded?

He tilted her chin up so that she was looking into his eyes and he stared back confidently, swearing with as much conviction as he could muster "It's not going to change anything between us Hales. I love you. I adore you. I ache for you…" he said huskily, moving her hand to rest on his erection which he'd gotten as soon as her smooth skin had slid over his as she'd cuddle up to him, "and no matter what the outcome of this surgery, nothing is going to change that. I spend half my day thinking of making love to you and although your beautiful face and your gorgeous body are a part of that, it's also your intelligence, your sharp wit, the way you are with JJ, the way you love me… it's all those things that make me love you, that make me want to make love to you with a desire I've never felt before."

He meant it all. She knew he meant it; could feel it in his touch, hear it in his voice and see it shining in his eyes. All her worries flew out of her mind and she could only feel. Feel Nathan hot and hard through his boxers, her own panties dampening with wet heat, her nipples hardening beneath her tank top… Need. All she could feel was their shared need, love and desire for each other.

Quickly removing her top, Haley kissed him deeply, her hand slipping underneath the elastic of his boxers to wrap around his hard length.

"Hales, are you sure?"

"Yes. Yes, I need this right now. We need this." And before he could protest further she closed the distance and possessed his mouth so passionately he had no choice but to let his own natural response take over. The rest of their clothing coming off in record time before he entered her swiftly, both crying out softly as their humming bodies joined together in the ultimate act of love.

He clung to her desperately; terrified if he let her go she'd be gone forever. That's what haunted his thoughts… day and night. He'd awaken in a cold sweat after another nightmare where she had just disappeared from view and no matter how much he called for her, searched for her, she was gone.

It had only been a day but he'd missed her, his body missed hers, missed being one with her. The feel of her all hot and wet for him, fitting him like a glove; the sensation of her tight budded nipples scraping against his own chest, now slick with sweat. Her nails scraping his back as she held onto him like a lifeline.

"Oh God, Nathan. I love you. No matter what happens…"

He devoured her mouth with his own then, unable to listen to her go on. He was on the verge of losing it; his life had become an emotional rollercoaster and he didn't know how to get off. She kissed him back with all the same hunger and desperation that he felt.

Haley felt as though she was being given a reprieve from the hell they'd been living in, because she knew that heaven was being wrapped in Nathan's arms, his lips on hers, his body thrusting into her, touching her soul with each stroke. She thought she'd die if it ever stopped.

She came with a muffled cry and a moment later felt him spill himself within her. His weight rested on top her, still nestled between her thighs and the feel of him there was like safety blanket. She felt loved and protected and wished they could lie there like that forever. Almost as though someone had read her thoughts and rejected them, she felt his body shift; an aching emptiness overwhelming her as he withdrew and she felt swallowed up by the deafening silence except for their shallow breaths. After a few moments she felt his body shake and she wondered what was happening until she registered the dampness from his tears as they hit her shoulder.

"Oh Nathan. I'm so sorry." She whispered, her hands running up and down his back soothingly, wishing her gentle movements could take away all the pain he was feeling. She'd try to ignore the way he'd tensed up whenever the baby was mentioned, how his mind seemed to be running at a million miles an hour, it was easier for them to pretend sometimes rather than face reality. She knew he'd been trying to figure out how to control all of this, how to make it better for the ones he loved… yet there was nothing he could do but be there for her and JJ. Yet to him, not finding a solution meant failure. The guilt and helplessness that flooded her then was frightening. She had done this to him… she was breaking him and there was no way to fix it. She'd made her decision, a decision he didn't agree with and even now, seeing the man she loved so obviously broken up about it, she was pretty sure she'd make the same choice again. Did that make her a bad person?

Nathan had shocked himself. He'd never lost it this way before; there again he'd never lost himself in a person like this before, not the way he did with Haley. What would he do if he lost her? He strangled a sob in his throat. When he'd reached his release just moments earlier it was like the gates had opened and all of his pent up emotions washed over him, paralyzing him with fear, guilt and doubt; doubt that he was enough, that he could be enough to get his family through this. He hadn't been able to help his mother and it had damn near destroyed him. If anything happened to Haley… God, he needed to pull himself together. Haley needed him. JJ needed him. He couldn't be falling apart like this.

"Oh Nathan. I'm so sorry." She whispered, her hands running up and down his back soothingly.

He quickly rolled over onto his back taking her with him, draping her across his chest. She heard him clear his throat and knew he wanted to pretend he hadn't been crying. "Don't you apologize for anything baby." He kissed her hair held her closer to his chest.

"I am though. I'm sorry that you have to go through this and that there's so much pressure on you…"

"Shh… don't worry about me. All I care about is keeping you healthy okay. So tomorrow we're going to get you to the hospital and I'm going to wait for you to come back to your room and I'm gonna hold your hand… and everything's going to be fine, okay?"

She kissed his chest and nodded, knowing that this was about the most she could give him; make him feel like he had some control and that even though they both knew anything could happen from here, make him believe that she thought he could fix it all. That was her gift to him. The only thing she had to offer right now.


	20. Strength

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 20** – Strength

**A/N: **_Thank you to everyone who left feedback for the previous chapter. It means alot that you took the time to let me know your thoughts on the update, and for those who PM'd asking if I'm continuing, I promise that I am going to finish this fic. This is definitely my favourite story even though it is a little more difficult to write because of the subject matter. Anyway, I appreciate the support and hope to get the next update out a little quicker than this one. _

* * *

The tension in the small waiting room was palpable. Nathan sat in the corner ignoring everyone around him, avoiding their worried glances and offers for coffee and sandwiches. He didn't want to be babied; he just wanted to be left alone. He was so angry right now. He was angry that Haley, who had already been through so much in her life, was right now in surgery possibly having her breast removed. He was angry that he could do nothing to help her. He was angry that others had brought their own tensions to the hospital with them; ready to shout at Luke and Jake who were acting like territorial dogs. He could understand Jake wanting to pummel his brother who kept hovering over Brooke to make sure she was alright. Hell, he wanted to pummel his brother and if he weren't preoccupied worrying about Haley he'd have no qualms about doing just that. Looking up to find Luke watching him, pleading with him to understand, he stood up and stormed out of the room.

"Nate!"

"Not now Luke."

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't think it would be a problem. It's just I have all this money and no one to spend it on and…"

"And you wanted to provide Haley with the best, something I, her fiancé couldn't do. That's right, isn't it?"

"What? No!"

"Whatever Luke. We're not having this discussion right now okay. I need to get out of here. Tell Brooke I'll be back soon… on second thoughts, don't. My advice would be to stay away from her. She doesn't need you screwing up her life anymore than you already have."

It wasn't until he was watching his brother walk stiffly down the corridor that Lucas realized what Nathan had said. Fiancé? When did that happen? A small smile twitched at his lips, happy for his brother and his friend, but it soon faded as he thought about how he'd managed to alienate Nathan further today when he'd only been trying to help. Looking back on it now he could see that it was a stupid thing to do, that paying for Haley to be upgraded to a private room would insult Nathan, but he'd just wanted to help his friend. He'd meant what he said to his brother. He really did have way too much money and no one to spend it on. When it came down to it, the only people he had in his life besides his mother were at this hospital and currently Brooke was pissed off at him, his mother was disappointed in him and Nathan couldn't stand him. How had his life turned out like this?

Entering the waiting room again, Luke looked over towards its other occupants. Brooke sat on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs staring into space while Jake stood leaning against the wall watching her warily. It was obvious the two hadn't sorted out their problems and he felt bad for his part in them. He was relatively certain Brooke hadn't told Jake about their kiss - if you could even call it that. She'd stood frozen for a moment before pushing him away; slapping him harder than she'd ever done before, and in their turbulent high school relationship, she'd slapped him plenty. Not that he hadn't deserved it; then or now. He still didn't know what had compelled him to kiss her the other night. He'd been so upset about his confrontation with Nathan, and she'd listened to him just like she had in high school and it felt like they were that couple again. He wanted that back. He missed her. Watching her now, so stunningly beautiful even with the dark circles and unshed tears in her eyes, he knew he still had feelings for her. They'd never completely gone away, something Peyton had reminded him of regularly when they'd dated in college and of course it had been one of the accusations she'd flung at him during their break up. As he took in the distance between Jake and Brooke, how miserable they both looked, he wondered if that was simply a result of their current troubles or a sign of deeper issues. Was she really happy with him, living in Tree Hill playing happy families when all she'd ever talked about as a teenager was getting out of the place and becoming a famous designer? Was Brooke happy with her life or did she maybe yearn for something more?

When Brooke's back could take no more of the uncomfortable seating, she stood and walked over to the window, staring out of the cool glass, her mind a fog of misery. She'd thought she could handle this. Yesterday it hadn't been so difficult putting on a brave face for her best friend, and maybe that was the difference. Haley wasn't here and she didn't have to pretend, which made it all the easier to get sucked into despair. A tear escaped, trailing down her cheek and she took in a shuddered breath determined not to let any more flow. Then he was there, wrapping his arms around her from behind, pulling her back into him and silently begging her to lean on him, to let him support her. It felt so good.

"She's going to be okay, babe."

"I wish I knew that."

"Can you think of anyone stronger than Haley James? She and the baby are going to get through all this just fine."

"Thank you. I needed to hear that."

"I know."

Brooke turned in his arms and buried her face in his neck, letting the tears flow, knowing that she could be vulnerable with him, that he would look after her no matter what. They still hadn't spoken about what happened the other night, agreeing to wait until this evening when they were alone, but being here together now made her realize that life was short; too short for some and definitely too short to be deceiving themselves. They needed to be honest, get everything out in the open if they were going to make their relationship work and god, did she want it to work. She couldn't imagine ever loving another man even half as much as she loved Jake.

"I love you." She whispered.

Jake closed his eyes at her words, so unbelievably relieved to hear them. He'd been frantic with worry about her and their relationship since their argument and when she'd decided to not to come home that night a cold dread had settled in his chest, not allowing him even a wink of sleep. Last night had been marginally better, but even though she'd returned home, they'd slept apart like two strangers; not talking, not touching, simply existing under the same roof. He'd wanted to reach out to her so badly, tell her how wrong he'd been, that his fears and insecurities shouldn't have gotten in the way of their happiness, but he was just happy she was home again and had decided to let it go. They'd talk tonight.

"I love you too, baby. So much."

* * *

Her eyes fluttered open, the brightness too much to handle and she groaned.

"Hales?"

At the sound of Nathan's voice she smiled softly and realized his hand had been holding hers as it squeezed softly.

"Don't force anything baby. The doctor said you'd be a bit drowsy at first."

Doctor? That was all the reminder she needed to realize exactly where she was and a pain tore at her heart. For a few moments there it was just her and Nathan, his beautiful voice and the comforting warmth of his hand. There was no cancer and no surgery. Her breast. Oh God, did they take it? Forcing her eyes open again she tried to lift her head so that she could look down. She couldn't feel much, obviously the drugs still working their way through her system, but there was a dull pain radiating there and she couldn't tell if it was simply from being cut open or if her breast had been removed completely.

"Lie back Miss James. You're still in recovery right now and you shouldn't be moving. Just try to relax for me." She didn't know the voice, but as she fluttered her eyes open, struggling to stay alert she could see it was a nurse talking to her, Nathan in the back ground looking like he wanted to shove the poor woman out of the way to get back to her.

A wave of nausea hit and she started dry retching, the heaving motion sending pain tearing through her chest. She heard Nathan's voice, urgent and stern, but she couldn't tell what he was saying. She felt a hand on her back guiding her to move onto her side where she violently threw up into the waiting bowl. Roll after roll of nausea and pain washed over her and she realized this was how she remembered the chemo. This was what she had to look forward to in four months time. Finally finished she fell backwards, wincing at the pain but thankfully the drowsiness overcame her, she succumbed to sleep once again.

Nathan watched her drift back to sleep and sighed with relief. That had been terrible. He thought he'd seen her at her worst during her morning sickness, holding back her hair and wiping her brow, but that had been nothing compared to this and he knew the movements hurt her fresh out of surgery. God, he couldn't do this. He wasn't ready yet. He'd been sitting here for the past twenty minutes watching her sleeping form, feeling like a wreck after the events of the last couple of weeks and he hadn't quite put on his mask of control yet. Seeing her lying there helpless affected him more than he could have known and when the nurses had left him earlier he'd shed a couple of tears. Twice in two days. Damn, he hadn't cried this much since he was a child. He had to be stronger than this. For Haley. For JJ. If she could sleep for just a little longer he'd have time to pull himself together.

She slept for almost another hour and this time when her eyes opened it was just the two of them alone in her room. He watched her look around for him, her eyes panicked until they located him beside her bed and he squeezed her hand again, caressing it with his thumb.

"Hey sleeping beauty. You feeling okay?" He almost winced at how stupid his question had been. Of course she wasn't okay.

Haley smiled at him never happier to see anyone in her life. "Hi."

"You can't have any water yet but you can have one of these thingies." Nathan offered feeling completely inadequate as he held up one of the lemon flavored mouth swabs the nurse had advised he could give her if she woke up parched.

"Yes please."

Nathan gave it to her and then called for the nurse who came and checked on her before leaving them alone once again.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he gently stroked her face, pushing her hair back gently. "Brooke and Jake were here until you got out of surgery." He offered, not knowing what to say, and then added begrudgingly "Luke too."

"That was nice of them to stay."

"They love you Hales. Of course they wanted to stay. Obviously Karen would have been here too but she has the kids."

"Nathan. How did it go? The surgery I mean." She asked, her voice timid, knowing she might not want to know the answer.

"Oh, good baby. I'll just see if I can get Dr. Parish…" He looked longingly towards the door as an escape from the conversation they were going to have.

"No! Nathan, I need to hear it from you." Haley said urgently, holding onto his hand with all the strength she had left.

Looking into her beautiful face, eyes filled with worry, he swallowed the lump stuck in his throat. "Hales… I'm sorry."

She could see the regret in his eyes. He didn't need to say the words.

"It's okay." She said, fighting back a sob and forcing herself to smile. "It's just a breast, right? I've still got another one for you to play with."

"Hales…"

"No, Nathan. I need to joke about this. Please."

He simply nodded his head and gave her a shaky smile. "And your boobs are super sexy so you only need one anyways."

Haley laughed through her tears at his ridiculous compliment, loving him so much more for being strong enough to joke about this with her when she could see he was ready to crumble. She knew she wasn't okay with this, although she had absolutely no idea how she felt about it. It was like she knew if she didn't numb herself to the pain she'd lose it and she couldn't afford to do that. She had a long fight ahead of her to keep her and the baby healthy and a negative attitude wasn't going to help. Wallowing in self-pity would get her no where. Focusing on her recovery and beating this illness was going to take everything she had and she'd start now by accepting that although she'd lost a part of herself, the most important things in her life were still safe and that was enough for her.

Wiping her tears away, she smiled brightly at her fiancé and put on what he often endearingly referred to as her sexy schoolteacher face.

"Alright, no more tears. What's done is done and there's nothing that's going to change it. I'm okay and the baby's okay and that's all that matters."

Nathan felt uneasy letting her play this game. Surely she should be grieving for the part of her she'd lost. He'd taken the time yesterday while she was with Karen and Brooke to do some reading on the effects of a mastectomy and what he could do to be supportive. She had a right to be upset and to cry or throw a tantrum. She didn't have to put on a brave face for him. But seeing the determination in her eyes he knew this was what she wanted, even if maybe it wasn't quite what she needed. She'd process this in her own time and he'd be there whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on, but right now she needed him to go along with her.

"Haley. How are you feeling?" Dr Parish asked as he entered the room smiling at the couple before him.

"I'm a bit sore but overall I feel okay."

"Okay, good. The anesthetic is still wearing off so you shouldn't have too much discomfort this evening, actually you're likely to be feeling pretty good and you'll probably sleep like a baby too… well in between those annoying nurses rounds that is." He joked and Haley wanted to kiss the man for not treating her like she was fragile. "By morning you'll start to feel some pain, but you've also got some control over your pain relief. If you ever find it too much, just click this button here and it will release some drugs through the IV. It's set to only allow a certain amount over a certain period so there's no chance of over medicating okay?"

"Sure. Sounds simple enough."

"Okay so I guess we should discuss the surgery now."

Nathan noticed the doctor glance at him and knew he was wondering how much he'd already told her. Before he could say anything Haley spoke up.

"I believe a full mastectomy was required." She said in her most neutral voice.

"Yes. It wasn't what we hoped for but in the circumstances it was the best option for you and your treatment." He offered regretfully and both Haley and Nathan could see that he really did wish the outcome had been different.

"I understand. There's no use dwelling on it. I can only move forward from here."

"Well I'm available if you need to talk to me about anything or we can organize one of the counselors to come and see you."

"It's not necessary. But thank you."

"Okay, well I've got a couple of other patients to see before I finish today, but if you need to speak with me tell one of the nurses and they can call me."

"Thank you Dr. Parish."

"I'll see you tomorrow Haley." He smiled and patted her hand before turning to Nathan. "Nathan? I have a couple of things I need you to check over; do you have a couple of minutes?"

Looking to Haley for confirmation, she nodded her head and he followed the doctor out of the room. "What is it? I though you said everything went okay?"

"It did, you don't need to worry about that. I just wanted to talk about Haley's reaction to the news."

"Oh."

"Everyone handles trauma differently. My wife Stephanie cried for days after her first mastectomy and then joked about her second. Haley seems to be putting on a strong front to cope, and you know her better than I do, but I do suggest you simply follow her lead and keep an eye out for any signs that she might not be doing so well. I've found that most patients that react the same way can usually carry on for a few days to a few weeks before they eventually break down and let themselves feel the grief.

"I must admit I wasn't expecting it. I was ready for tears, and sobbing and needing my shoulder to cry on. I just feel kind of helpless here knowing that she must be so upset underneath it all but I can't even comfort her."

"Just be there for her however she needs you Nathan. That's as much comfort as anyone can offer. If you feel she may be close to letting go then maybe give her a little nudge and be there for her if she does need to break down."

Walking back into the room he found her staring out the window to the side of her bed. She appeared pensive, but not at all distraught. "I'm worried about JJ. He looked so scared this morning when we dropped him off at school. Do you think we did the right thing sending him even though he didn't want to go?"

"Definitely. At least he has distractions there Hales and his teachers know what's going so they can keep an eye on him. And he has Jenny there too."

"Yeah, you're right. You'll bring him in to see me tomorrow?" she asked, her eyes lighting up at the thought of seeing her little boy. She hated being apart from him.

"Yep. We'll both be in to see you in the morning." Taking a seat on the edge of the bed again, Nathan captured her hand and linked their fingers together. "I love you so much Haley James. I don't know what I would have done if you and JJ hadn't come into my life."

"Are you going to go all sappy on me now Nathan Scott?"

"Hey, don't ruin this moment for me. I'm nervous enough as it is."

Haley looked at him quizzically, wondering if even though she felt alert, the drugs were having more of an affect than she realized. "What on earth do you have to be nervous about? I would have thought popping the question would be the most nerve wracking thing for you and that's old news. I already said yes… for some unknown reason." She added with a cheeky smile.

"Minx." He scolded in the way he always did when she was being sassy. Reaching one hand into his jacket pocket he withdrew a red velvet box and flicked it open to reveal a beautiful white gold ring with a sparkling sapphire at the centre. "I know it's not a diamond, and I understand if you'd like to choose something different, but I wanted to give you this."

Haley reached out and took the box from him, examining the ring carefully. "Oh, Nathan it's beautiful. Of course I love it."

He visibly sighed with relief. "It was my Grandmother's engagement ring. Mum never got married, but she kept it for me to give to my fiancé when I finally found the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wish I had have done this properly and had the ring when I proposed, but it wouldn't really be my style to be so prepared now would it?"

"It was perfect, Nathan. Just like this ring is perfect and you are perfect. I love you."

"I love you too baby." He whispered kissing her lips softly, careful not to apply any pressure to her chest. Sitting back he took the box back from her and removed the ring before sliding it onto her ring finger.

"It even fits perfectly." She said in awe as she looked down at the way the stone sparkled.

Nathan didn't have the heart to tell her he'd had it resized to fit perfectly. She looked so happy in that moment and for the first time in weeks he felt like he'd done something right.

* * *

"Dad!" JJ raced toward Nathan as Karen let him inside her home. Nathan crouched to catch the boy as he flew into his arms and lifted him up as he wrapped his small arms around his neck. Usually JJ wasn't this affectionate, especially in front of other people but since they'd told him about Haley's cancer the night before, he and Haley had both noticed him being a little clingier than usual which was completely understandable. If he needed reassurance that they were there for him, then that's what he'd get. He rather liked JJ needing him like this, at least he felt like he had a purpose that he could actually fulfill.

"Hey buddy. How are you?"

JJ simply shrugged before asking "Is mom okay?"

"Your mom is fine. I've just come from seeing her and she was about to get some sleep."

"Uncle Nathan!" This time it was Jenny who came flying at him and with his free arm he lifted her up to rest on his other hip. One of these days he was going to throw his back out. The two of them were growing up way too fast.

"Hello Miss Jenny. Ugh! Have you two been eating too many fries? I swear you've both gained a hundred pounds since last week." Nathan groaned, dropping them both to the floor as they giggled at his ridiculous statement.

"We're growing kids. We're s'posed to get heavy." Jenny said knowledgably with JJ nodding alongside her before adding "and Aunt Karen let us have two servings of ice cream at the café after dinner and popcorn when we came back here."

"Wow, aren't you spoilt?" Nathan joked, smiling at Karen who was still glowing at the fact that JJ had told her now that Nathan was his Dad; he'd like her to be his aunt. "Why don't you go get your bag JJ while I speak to Aunt Karen? You can help him gather his things Jenny."

After the children ran off, Karen gave him a hug which he hadn't realized he'd needed until that moment. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. Worried about Haley but she's holding up alright under the circumstances."

"Oh, you mean…"

"Yeah. They had to do a mastectomy." Nathan could see the worry in her eyes, but Karen was just like Haley, strong and ready to handle anything.

"I'm sorry. But she's a brave girl, that one. If anyone can deal with this it's Haley, and she's got something other women don't."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"She's got you. You have no idea how much it means to her to have you standing by her side, supporting her and just being there for her. You're a good man Nathan. I'm so proud of you, and I'm sure your mom is too."

"God, I feel like a mess Karen. I don't know if I am as strong as you both think I am."

"You are. Being strong doesn't mean that you have to know you can do everything or fix everything; It's being there when you're not sure if you can do it but trying like hell anyway. Haley and JJ are lucky to have you." Hearing the kids coming back down the hall she smiled at him. "That boy loves you Nathan and just knowing that you're there for him while his mother is sick is going to make a world of difference to him."

"Thank you"

"Can we go home now?" JJ asked grabbing Nathan's hand.

"Sure. Thank Aunt Karen for looking after you and for all the junk food and say goodbye to Jenny."

The car ride home was fairly quiet to begin with but soon enough Nathan managed to draw out details about his son's day and eventually he was chattering on like it was an ordinary evening.

"And then Mr. Billings sat down and it made a fart noise. It was sooo funny." JJ laughed recounting the story of his teacher and a whoopee cushion incident in science class.

"It sounds like Mr. Billings didn't find it too funny" Nathan responding imagining the straight laced teacher's face red with indignation.

"No. He yelled real loud and sent Simon to the principal's office but Simon reckons it was worth it."

"Just promise me you won't pull any pranks like that. They may be funny but it isn't right to break the rules like that. Imagine if the students in your mom's class pulled pranks like that all the time."

JJ's face changed into a scowl and Nathan had to stop from laughing at how comical he looked. "I'd kick their asses."

"Hey! Language mister."

"Sorry." He apologized contritely before looking towards Nathan with a puzzled expression "Hey, who's that?"

Nathan looked at the man standing on the front porch of their house as he pulled into the driveway and his brow furrowed. What was he doing here?

"Just wait in the car for a minute okay?"

"But who is that?" JJ asked impatiently practically bouncing in his seat.

"I'll explain in a minute, just wait here."

"Okay." JJ sighed before watching Nathan get out of the car and approach the strange man.

"Nathan. Hi."

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

"Taylor told me what's going on and I came to see my daughter."

"Oh, okay." Nathan shook Jimmy James' outstretched hand, still shocked to see him. He'd never visited Tree Hill once and with everything that had been happening, Nathan couldn't hide his shock. "Um, Haley's not here. She had surgery today."

At the startled expression on Jimmy's face, Nathan quickly explained the situation and could see that although happy to hear she was doing fine, Jimmy was rattled by the news.

"Dad?"

Nathan almost jumped out of skin as he heard JJ's voice and felt his small hand slip into his large one. He grimaced, not knowing how to handle this situation. Haley and her father had started to mend their broken relationship after Taylor's wedding, but it was far from fixed and JJ had no idea who this man was. Was it even Nathan's place to tell him he was looking at his Grandfather?

"Hey buddy. Why don't you go inside and I'll be in soon?"

Ignoring Nathan, JJ kept staring at Jimmy with curious eyes. "Are you a friend of my dad's?"

Jimmy couldn't stop staring at this little boy. He hadn't seen Josh since he was two years old but it was impossible not to recognize his features as Haley's. He was so grow up now and looking at Jimmy like the stranger that he was. So many years he'd wasted, not standing up to his wife and playing a more active role in his youngest daughter's life like he'd wanted to. He'd missed out on seeing this little boy grow up and the knowledge brought tears to his eyes.

"I do know Na… your dad." He corrected realizing that Nathan had taken on the role of father to his Grandson, a role Mitchell had carelessly thrown away years ago.

A little of the wariness in the boy's eyes disappeared. "Do you know my mom too?"

"Yes." Jimmy had to stop for a moment, fearing he'd do something to alarm him like crying.

"Cool. Well my mum's not here. She's in the hospital because she's sick but the doctors are making her better. Maybe you can come with us tomorrow when we visit her."

Nathan watched this interaction not knowing what to do. He was fairly certain Haley would be pleased for JJ to get to know his Grandfather but he also felt that she should be doing the introductions. The look in Jimmy's eyes when he looked at Nathan for confirmation that it would be okay to visit Haley made him realize just how much this man was hurting. He'd never excuse Jimmy for letting his relationship with Haley deteriorate so badly, but he was a good man and he knew Haley wanted her father in her life. They both deserved a chance to start over.

"Sure. Jimmy you're welcome to come with us tomorrow."

"Thank you Nathan. I'd like that."

After sending JJ in to get ready for bed, Nathan spoke with Jimmy for a few minutes about Haley's condition and made arrangements for the next day, both agreeing that they wouldn't explain anything to JJ until they'd spoken with Haley.

Making his way through the house, Nathan switched off all the lights JJ had turned on knowing he wouldn't be coming back downstairs for anything, and then made his way up to his son's room to say goodnight. The room was empty except for the boy's school bag on the floor.

"Can I sleep in here with you tonight?"

Nathan turned to find JJ in his pajamas standing in the doorway to his and Haley's bedroom, a shy look on his face as he bit his lip worriedly.

Plastering on a smile, Nathan nodded and grabbed a book off. "Of course you can." JJ scampered back into the room and Nathan laughed when he heard the sound him diving onto the bed. Quickly grabbing a book of Josh's bookshelf he joined the boy in the master bedroom. "Why don't you read this while I take a shower?"

"Okay."

After his shower, Nathan threw on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and walked out of the en suite to find JJ asleep, the book still in his hand. The sight brought a smile to his face. He loved this little boy so much. Taking the book from him, he set it on the side table and then got under the covers and reached for the jewelry box with Haley's ring that he'd put in his drawer for safe keeping. Although Haley had wanted to keep the ring, they both knew it wouldn't be safe at the hospital and decided to leave it at home for her. Opening it up he stared at the ring, remembering how beautiful it had looked on Haley's finger and the look of sheer happiness on her face when he'd given it to her. He still couldn't believe she was going to be his wife. Placing it back in the drawer, he switched off the lamp and rolled over to face his son, watching his sleeping face which he could just make out now that his eyes had adjusted to the dark.

Closing his eyes, Nathan prayed for sleep. He was glad that Haley would be able to sleep through most of the night undisturbed and hoped he could too. He wanted to be refreshed in the morning. It was going to be a long day taking JJ to see his mom and then dealing with telling her about Jimmy, and if she gave the okay introducing Jimmy to JJ.

"Dad?"

Nathan's eyes shot open and could see JJ looking across at him. "Yeah buddy?"

"Is mommy really okay?" he asked in a small voice, obviously scared that Nathan was lying to protect him like so many adults often did.

"Your mom is definitely okay. I promise you."

"And she's not gonna die?" he whispered

Nathan could make out the way the boy's lower lip trembled as he fought not to cry. It was almost his undoing and he was so thankful for the blanket of darkness surrounding them because otherwise JJ would see Nathan's own fears written on his face.

"Your mom is not going to die JJ. She got better last time didn't she?" Nathan asked in his most confident voice. When JJ seemed to perk up a little he continued. "Aren't you the one who tells me how your mum got cancer and she kicked its ass?"

JJ giggled. "You said ass."

"Oops. Butt. I meant butt."

"It's okay. I won't tell mommy that you sweared."

Nathan smiled at his son's remark, imagining how if Haley was here she'd be correcting her son's grammar and telling him the correct word is 'swore'. "Thank you… and I won't tell her that you think it's funny to put whoopee cushions on teacher's chairs." Nathan joked; glad he'd been able to make his son feel better.

As they settled back under the covers, JJ reached and held Nathan's hand. "I love you Daddy. I'm glad you found us."

"Me too buddy, me too."


	21. Families

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Chapter 21** – Families

_**A/N: **I am so glad to be able to give you another chapter so quickly. I hate making you wait a month for an update but unfortunately sometimes it takes that long. This story is going to be moving ahead in the next chapter and you'll find a lot of things have changed for the characters. I'm really excited about the progression and hope that it will inspire me to produce updates even more quickly._

_I'd like to thank Dawn (BabbleBaby) and Ashley for their assistance with this update and also Kris and Molly for their encouragement with this story. I really appreciate it girls._

* * *

She hated hospitals. She had so many bad memories of these places. Even the happiest day of her life, the day she gave birth to her son was bittersweet, tinged with sadness. Even back then, two years before Mitchell had left her she'd known he wasn't happy with the life that lay ahead. He'd grown distant during her pregnancy and after the birth it wasn't hard to see the fear and entrapment hiding behind his smile. He'd tried. She would give him that much. He could have just left when he found out that he was going to be a father and playing house was no longer a game, but a reality… but he'd stayed. She watched him struggle; try to do the right thing, but in the end he couldn't keep up appearances. There was no excuse for how he'd treated her and her son, but after years of reflection she was beginning to see the scared little boy in her ex-husband's actions more than a monster who abandoned them when she needed him most. She'd lost her husband and her best friend when he'd walked out, but she'd gained so much more since then. Seeing Nathan and the strength, loyalty and support he offered, and not just because it was the right thing to do, but because he genuinely felt it; genuinely wanted to be there for her… it took away a lot of the hurt from the past. She believed the saying 'everything happens for a reason' and she honestly believed with all her heart that the reason her marriage crumbled was because she was meant to move forward on her own, meant to change and grow into an individual rather than simply being Mitchell Johnson's best friend, then his girlfriend and then his wife. She was meant to meet and fall in love with Nathan Scott.

Haley contemplated sleeping some more, but when a nurse entered the room, she realized she probably wasn't tired enough to sleep through the constant interruptions. Aside from waking up during the regular nurse's checks, she'd slept through the whole night after Nathan had left, the effects of the anesthetic not wearing off until she woke an hour earlier with a searing pain running down her chest.

"Are you sure you're comfortable, Haley? The pain medication is there for a reason; there's no need to be brave and go without."

Haley nodded her head with a tight smile. She knew she could give herself a little extra relief any time she wanted but the pain wasn't unbearable and she was going to avoid as many drugs as possible for the sake of the baby. She'd already been extremely worried about the anesthetic and any possible harm it could do. It was silly; she knew there was probably nothing to worry about and a little extra pain medication now wouldn't really make a difference but, but this she could control and at the moment it felt like the only thing in her life she did have any control over.

"I'm fine."

"Is there anything else I can get you?"

"Actually, my son is coming in soon and I was wondering if you could bring in some more cookies or jello. I wasn't hungry earlier, but I should have kept them here for him. I know he'd love them."

"Sure. I can do that for you."

Haley watched the door close and rested her head back on the pillow; her mind wandering back to another time she'd been stuck in hospital and someone had requested extra jello cups for her.

Eight year old Haley James stared up at her father, with a quivering lip and unshed tears in her eyes. "I don't want to wear this stupid cast. Mitch had one when he broke his leg and he said it was always itchy but Mrs. Johnson wouldn't let him stick a ruler inside to scratch it."

"I know pumpkin, but you're being very brave and I'm so proud of you." Jimmy James whispered to his daughter as he sat perched on the edge of the hospital bed and stroked her hair.

"I was scared Daddy. I didn't mean to fall." The events of the day and falling out of the tree house in the next door neighbor's backyard were catching up with the little girl.

"I know baby. It was an accident but from now on you and Mitch have to use the stairs… no more climbing branches like little monkeys okay?" he teased, knowing his daughter loved the nickname that she and her best friend, Mitchell had earned from their love of tree climbing.

"Okay Daddy, I promise. I love you."

"Oh, I love you too pumpkin." Jimmy stood before positioning himself so that he could lie on the bed beside his daughter, her head quickly burrowing into his chest as it always did. She was such a Daddy's girl and he loved her with every fiber of his being. He'd been so terrified when he'd heard her screams from over the neighbor's fence. With his heart pounding, blood screaming through his veins he'd run outside and jumped over the lower front garden fence, trampling one of his wife's flower gardens which he knew he'd pay hell for later, and raced around back to find his little girl lying on the ground in tears with her best friend and his parents hovering over her. He knew he'd never forget how helpless he felt in that moment when she was crying out for him to make the pain stop.

"I wish I could make it all better baby."

"It doesn't really hurt much anymore Daddy… and they gave me jello. Two cups!" she added with a grin, and he just knew she'd turned that irresistible smile of hers upon the nurses who were bound to give her whatever she wanted now. No one could resist his baby's charm.

"How about I see if I can round up some more jello for you? Does that sound good?"

A grin broke out on her face as she looked up at him so adoringly and nodded her head. "You're the best Daddy in the world!"

The memory of that moment with her father so many years ago brought tears to her eyes. She'd loved him so much. Her father had been her world back then, the one person to love and protect her always… but that had changed. Oh, she still loved him but he'd let her down badly. She had hope for the future, that they could build a new relationship and that JJ could know his Grandparents. But his place of being the leading man in her life, a placed he'd kept even during her first marriage - a startling realization that gave even further questions to her relationship with Mitchell - had been taken by someone else. Nathan was that person for her now. In the short time she'd known him, he'd become everything to her and JJ and she realized that even if she didn't ever have a relationship with her family again, she'd be okay because she had a family of her own now.

* * *

"Good morning."

Brooke smiled at the sound of Jake's husky morning voice and opened her eyes to see him propped up in his side watching her with an adoring smile.

"It definitely is." She giggled before leaning over to kiss him. She shouldn't feel this energized. They'd spent hours the night before arguing, talking, making love, talking, and making love some more… but she'd never felt better. They'd been living a life of half truths, doubts and insecurities for so long now that it had become normal to them. Now that they'd opened up to each other, discussed all of their fears, their doubts as well their hopes and dreams it felt like for the first time they were on the same page and wanted the exact same things. They'd been stupid to let it go on the way it had and even though they'd have to work really hard keeping the lines of communication open and remaining true and honest about their feelings to make their marriage work, she knew they'd make it.

"I'm so happy baby."

"Oh, me too Jake. I probably look like death, but I feel amazing, like life's just beginning."

"You look beautiful. You always look beautiful."

"Even with puffy eyes from crying and barely any sleep?"

"Even then." He promised. Relief washed over him when he realized how easily they were able to mention the events of last night. It had been one of the hardest, yet one of the best nights of his life. So many things had come out; things that could have broken a weaker couple. Finding out that Lucas had kissed her had been an unwelcome shock and after calming down and promising not do anything about it, Jake was thankful that she'd trusted him enough to be honest. They'd discussed Brooke's miscarriage years ago and how much it hurt him that she'd never trusted him enough to come to him about it. She opened up about her fears that he doubted she'd be a good enough wife for him or mother for Jenny because she'd never had a good example of either growing up. And even though it had been hard, he'd finally revealed his fears and his guilt over feeling like he'd held her back from her dreams and that he'd continue to do so if they got married.

These thoughts and feelings that had been kept locked inside, festering away and eating away at their relationship were finally brought out into the open and he now wished they'd done it sooner. He hated the thought of her feeling like she wasn't good enough for him or for Jenny. He'd had to explain that although she may not be the kind of person he'd ever imagined himself spending his life with; she was so much more than he thought he'd ever have. She was better than what he ever thought he'd find and nobody else could ever be more right for him. She'd cried then. He understood her tears. When she'd sworn to him that she was living her dream right now, here in Tree Hill with their little family he believed her. For the first time, that little niggling feeling that he was being selfish and holding her back wasn't there. She'd grown so much as a person since she'd come back to town and taken over his heart, yet he'd failed to notice that as she'd changed as a person, her dreams for herself had changed too.

He was brought out of his reverie when Brooke moved across to straddle him, her gorgeous naked form in full view making him hard in an instant. "Again? You'll be the death of me woman." He joked, looking up into her grinning face.

"Well if we're going to have a baby" she whispered as she leaned forward to place kisses along his jaw, "we're going to be doing a lot more of this."

"Believe me, I have no problem with that." He joked, running his hands down the silky skin of her back. "Are you absolutely sure this is what you want? We can wait a few years if you want to expand your business a bit more…"

His words were cut off by her kiss. "I'm positive Jake. I get the most joy out of designing and creating my clothes and I love my career exactly as it is now. I can do that and have a baby. This is where I want to be… here with my family and building a bigger family."

"Okay."

"Jake?" Brooke asked hesitantly, stopping her kisses.

"Yeah babe?"

"Is it wrong to be this happy and looking into the future when my best friend is lying in hospital getting ready to fight for her life?"

People often thought she was selfish and oblivious to others, but Jake new better. Brooke had a big heart and her capacity to care for those she loved was incredible. It was just like her to think such a thing.

"I think that Haley loves you, and me, and she'd want us to be happy. She knows we love her too and she would never begrudge us our happiness, Brooke."

"Let's just keep everything to ourselves until she's home from the hospital. She's got enough going on without us dropping our news on her."

"Okay, that sounds like a good plan."

"I can't wait to tell her though. I just want to shout it from the rooftops Jake. In just a couple of weeks I'm going to be Mrs. Jake Jaglielski." Her face was alight with happiness and it was obvious this was what she wanted. They both knew it had been a long time coming.

"Jaglielski, huh? You're going to change your name?" he asked skeptically. Brooke was very independent that way.

"Of course."

"You're serious." He stated rather than asked. In truth it had floored him. He always imagined she'd want to stay Brooke Davis, especially because she used her surname for business.

"I'm very serious. When I'm your wife I want everyone to know it. I want to be a part of the Jaglielski family. I love Jenny like my own daughter and I want to share the same name with her... be a real part of this family"

Cupping her face Jake stared into her eyes, making sure she was listening carefully. "You've been a real part of this family since you moved in here all those years ago. You were a part of this family before we even got together Brooke. You came into our home and cared for us and generally made life a lot better than it had been. Jenny and I will both love you the same whether you change your name or not."

"I know," she smiled shyly before adding, "but I want to."

Jake grinned, loving the thought of her taking his name. It felt so right. Kissing her deeply he flipped them over and they quickly began working on adding to their family.

* * *

Nathan approached Haley's hospital room, taking a quick look over his shoulder to see his son talking with Jimmy in the visitor's lounge. He wasn't looking forward to breaking the news to his fiancée, unsure of her reaction, but it needed to be done. Opening the door, he pushed down all the fear and helplessness that had been eating away at him all night as he lay awake watching his son sleep and thinking about his fiancé. It was time for smiles. If Haley needed him to be positive then that's what he'd be.

"Hey baby."

At the sound of Nathan's voice Haley looked up at him with a huge smile. She'd been expecting him a little sooner and found herself clockwatching, bored by the morning television programs and gossip magazines she'd already flicked through four times that morning. She really should have brought a book to read because this place was going to drive her crazy.

"Hi." She whispered as he leaned down to kiss her. He moved to pull away, but she lifted her arm, not an easy feat when all movement caused discomfort, and placed her hand on the back of his neck letting him know she didn't want the kiss to end yet. She knew he'd be worried about hurting her, but at the moment he was better than any drug the doctors could pump into her system.

"Mmm. Now that's a nice way to be greeted." Nathan whispered when they pulled apart and he rested his forehead against hers and losing himself in those beautiful eyes of hers.

"I missed you last night." She murmured, lost in his eyes. She'd never get used to the way he looked at her so intently, like he wanted to see into her very soul.

"God, I missed you too. I didn't get lonely though. JJ slept in our room."

She smiled with relief. She'd been so worried about her son and how he was coping with all of this. It had been sprung on him so quickly and the situation was enough to have an adult in a spin, let alone an eight year old boy, but she'd been comforted by the fact that Nathan was there for him. JJ loved and trusted Nathan as much as he did his mother, so she knew he was feeling as safe as possible throughout this ordeal.

"How are you feeling today?"

"I'm feeling okay. The pain's manageable. But seriously, Nathan I'm more concerned about dying from boredom than anything else."

She saw him wince and realized it was a little too early for those sorts of jokes. He was putting on a brave face for her but she knew it was hard for him to pretend things were fine.

"Sorry. That was a stupid thing to say."

The stricken look disappeared as he smiled at her before moving over to the plastic bag he'd left on a chair by the door. Walking over to her he perched himself on the edge of the bed and withdrew a number of hardcover books before handing them to her.

"Well, I knew you'd get bored so I stopped by the book store and grabbed a couple of things. You know I'm not really into literature but believe it or not I don't zone out when you're talking about it and I remembered you mentioning these. "

Her heart swelled with love for this man who was constantly surprising her; last night with his Grandmother's ring and today with the books. Sure, they were only books but it the intention behind them; the fact that he knew her so well that he anticipated her boredom and knew what to get her. So many guys pretended to listen to their partners when they spoke, but she knew Nathan loved listening to anything she had to say. Sometimes when they lay in bed at night, he'd gather her up into his chest and ask her to talk. He never cared what it was about; he just loved listening to her and that made her feel so cherished.

She felt silly as a tear slipped down her cheek. Here she was putting on a brave face about her cancer and losing a breast, yet something as simple as Nathan being so thoughtful could bring tears to her eyes. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He replied, wiping away her tear and leaning in for another sweet kiss. "I'd do anything for you Hales."

"I know." She swore to him before pulling him back down again, this kiss more heated than the last. She loved the feel of his mouth on hers, his caressing her own. There was no other feeling like it. She could taste his desperation, his need to hold onto her and she gave him everything she could give, ignoring the pain, the fear and everything else but the need to reassure him she was okay and that she trusted him to protect her. When they broke apart his look was even more intense than earlier and she worried he was close to breaking point. To ease the tension she smiled warmly and joked "Lucky JJ didn't witness that. He'd be complaining about how gross we are."

Nathan laughed, relieved that the tension had been dispelled. "Yeah. We're just lucky he still thinks it's disgusting. One day he's going to change his opinion and we'll have to deal with a hormone driven teenage boy. I was one of the worst, so I know how fun that's going to be for us to deal with."

Haley laughed along with him knowing thoughts of the future for their family were exactly what she needed to focus on.

"Speaking of our adorable child, where is he?"

"He's out in the visitor's lounge."

"Oh. Is Karen with him?"

"Um, no." Nathan could see the confusion in her eyes. She knew he'd never let JJ stay out there by himself. Summoning his strength, he prepared himself to tell her the truth. "He's with your dad."

Nathan watched as her eyes widened with surprise. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. It was obvious she was more than shocked by the news. He just hoped she wasn't going to be upset that he'd let Jimmy near JJ without her permission.

"He was at the house when I we got home last night. Apparently Taylor told him you were sick and he wanted to come and see you."

"Dad?" She whispered to herself, shocked by Nathan's news. Her father had come to Tree Hill to see her? There were so many emotions warring within her, especially after she'd been thinking of him earlier. She still held a lot of resentment towards both her parents, especially her mother for the way she'd treated her, but also for her father who was responsible for his own actins in not standing up to his wife and maintaining better contact with his daughter. He'd had a choice and unfortunately Jimmy James hadn't had the strength of character to make the right one. But even knowing all of this, she still loved him. Her childhood had been a happy one and her father had showered her with love, never holding back and although they'd had only minimal contact for years, a bridge had been gapped between them at Taylor's wedding. So despite the hurt and resentment that still remained, the overpowering emotion within her was happiness.

"I know it's a bit of a shock and if you don't want to see him I'll ask him to leave." Nathan hoped that his fiancée would want to see her father. She needed all the love and support she could get right now and even though he wasn't happy with Jimmy's past behavior he could see that the man loved his daughter and wanted to make amends.

"No." She bit her lip then looked up at him with a small smile. "I want to see him."

God his girl was amazing. Here she was in the hospital, in pain after major surgery and learning that her father who she'd basically been estranged from for six years was standing on the other side of the door… and she was taking it all in, putting aside her fears, her hurt, her confusion and just getting on with life. Nathan knew then that he'd never admire anyone more than her.

"Do you need me to stay? I can get a nurse to watch JJ for a few minutes if you want me here."

"Thanks, but I think I need to see him alone."

"Whatever you need Hales."

Haley closed her eyes as she felt his hands cup her face and his soft lips pressed against her forehead. She always felt so safe with him, so treasured. It gave her strength and hope for the future to know she had him by her side. Taking a deep breath, Haley watched him leave the room and stared at the door where any minute now her father would enter.

* * *

Jimmy listened eagerly as his Grandson filled him in on all the important things in his life like school, sports, friends and his new baby brother or sister with an openness and trust that only a child could display. It was so hard keeping a smile on his face now that he was being confronted with how much he'd missed out on. This perfect little boy was his Grandson, yet he couldn't tell him that. There was a real possibility that even though some barriers had been torn down between him and his daughter just weeks ago, she may not be ready to trust him enough to give him a place in her life again, a place in her son's life.

"Mr. Jimmy, are you okay? You seem kinda sad." JJ commented looking concerned. "You don't have to worry about my Mom. She's going to be fine. Dad said so."

He felt so out of place when JJ called him Mr. Jimmy - something he and Nathan had decided upon that morning - and hoped that soon enough the boy would be calling him Grandpa, but for the moment he couldn't let him know who he was. Hearing his Grandson's words, Jimmy's admiration for the man who'd stepped into the role of JJ's father continued to grow. He'd approved of Nathan Scott almost immediately when they'd met, and after talking at Taylor's wedding he was more than comfortable that Nathan would take good care of Haley and JJ.

"Jimmy"

Seeing Nathan standing before them, Jimmy knew it was time and he felt both excitement for getting a chance to see his daughter and trepidation that she wouldn't want him in her life. He'd found it so hard to see her when she had been sick the last time and even though he knew she wasn't going through chemotherapy yet and would look relatively healthy it was a reminder of how close he'd come to losing her to cancer, before he'd stupidly lost her anyway by allowing himself to be cut off from her. Guilt was a powerful emotion, but he wouldn't let it eat away at him. He had a daughter to win back and a whole family to get to know.

"You can go in now."

"What about me? I want to see mom." JJ pouted; disgruntled that he hadn't been able to see his mother yet.

"We'll go and see her in a few minutes buddy, but Mr. Jimmy is going in first. Why don't we get a candy bar from the vending machine while we wait?"

"Awesome."

Both men chuckled as the boy forgot all about not getting his own way and raced over to the vending machine carefully assessing his choices. Nathan clapped Jimmy's back in support before the older man made his way to his daughter's room. Opening the door softly he peered his head in and saw Haley playing with her hair, obviously trying to tidy herself up and he smiled, hoping she wanted to look good for him.

"Haley."

She whipped her head around, startled that she hadn't heard the door opening and closing. She wasn't sure exactly how she would feel seeing him again, but she hadn't expected to feel like a little girl needing her daddy to make everything better. She felt the tears well up in her eyes and her bottom lip trembling.

Jimmy watched her, shaken by her reaction. Was she upset at seeing him? Did she want him to leave?

"Daddy." She whispered before the tears began to fall and upon seeing them Jimmy moved quickly over to the bed, and took up what little room was left to lie beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. He could tell the movement hurt her but she snuggled into him further just as she'd done as a little girl so many years ago.

"Oh pumpkin. I'm so sorry."

Neither of them said anything more, he simply stroked her hair and let her cry on his chest until sometime later they heard a knock on the door.

"Come in." Jimmy called as Haley wiped her tears away.

Within seconds JJ raced into the room eager to see his mom. He stopped in his tracks though when he saw her red puffy eyes and then narrowed his eyes at Jimmy, obviously coming to the conclusion that he'd hurt his mother.

Haley wanted to laugh at her son's protective streak, thinking how even though Nathan wasn't his biological father, they certainly shared that trait. Her boys were always so protective of her.

"Hi baby." Haley smiled and patted the space on the bed where Jimmy had just been, her father now stepping away from the bed to give JJ some time with his mother.

"Did Mr. Jimmy make you cry?" The boy asked, his mouth a thin line of disapproval.

"They're happy tears, baby. I promise."

"What made you happy then?"

"Well, I have something to tell you about… Mr. Jimmy." Haley stated, trying not to laugh at the name they'd come up with. "He's my dad."

JJ's eyes widened in surprise and quickly turned to look at Nathan for confirmation, something he'd started doing a lot lately.

"So you know what that means don't you?"

"Mr. Jimmy is my Grandpa."

"Yep. That's right."

Turning with a smile this time, JJ looked at Jimmy and asked. "Can I call you Grandpa Jimmy?"

Moving away from the wall, the older man sat on the chair next to the bed so that he was closer to his Grandson. "Of course you can. I'd love it if you called me that."

"Cool! I've got a Dad and a Grandpa now. Wait 'til I tell Jenny!"

Haley smiled at her father before looking over to Nathan who was watching on with a smile of his own. She realized then that he'd lived without a family for ten years and since he'd returned home he had reconnected with Karen again, become close with Jake and Brooke and of course made a family with her and JJ and now he would get to know her father as well.

Nathan loved the scene playing out before him. This was how families should be and this family was his now. He'd never felt so grateful in his life. He noticed Haley signal for him to join them and made his way around to the other side of the bed, taking the empty chair before holding her hand, their fingers lacing together automatically. Reaching out he palmed her cheek and brushed away the remaining tears.

The four of them sat together for a few more hours until Haley grew tired and they left her to get some rest. Despite worrying about the pain she was in which was obvious no matter how hard she tried to deny it, Nathan was happy with how she was coping. Hopefully having her father back in her life would be another measure of support she could take comfort in to help her get through the difficult months ahead.

The rest of the day was spent with JJ showing his Grandpa the sights of Tree Hill. They went by his school, had lunch at the café where the little boy proudly announced to his Aunt Karen that he was there to have lunch with his Dad and his Grandpa, and then had Nathan take them to the River court where they played some basketball. Jimmy was worse than terrible, but JJ delighted in being able to show him how to play.

For a few hours he enjoyed himself, trying to keep his worries about Haley at bay. He managed to do so until he'd put JJ to bed and then settled in his own bed. It was in the dark, quiet, lonely hours of the night that his fears surfaced and it took a lot of tossing and turning before he finally succumbed to a fitful sleep.

_The air was so thick with grief he thought he'd choke on it; everyone moving around him seemingly in slow motion, stopping, talking, touching him… god, how he wished they'd stop touching him, yet he had no idea who he was speaking to or what they were saying. All the faces looked the same, the voices sounded the same and the touches all felt the same; all burning him through his clothes, suffocating him, dragging him down further and further... into what, he didn't know. He was lost._

"_I'm so sorry, Nathan."_

_Forcing himself to focus, he saw Jake in front of him, face pale and eyes red rimmed. It was funny how he was the one who'd lost, yet it seemed he was the only one who hadn't cried. He spoke, his mind and body on autopilot, unknowing of his words, but when Jake hugged him and moved on it was safe to assume he'd said the appropriate thing. _

_As he numbly gazed around the room, only one thought kept repeating in his mind. _I wish it had been me._ What did he even have to live for anymore? He'd failed his family. All he'd had to do was protect them, but he couldn't even get that right. _

_The feel of a small hand sliding into his own brought him out of his thoughts and he looked down to see his son peering up at him, a wide adoring smile on his face. How could JJ even bear to look at him right now?_

"_C'mon Dad. We have to go." _

_Nathan followed as the boy tugged his hand and led him through the crowd of mourners. "Where are we going?"_

_JJ didn't answer but stopped and looked up at him expectantly as though he thought Nathan were a superhero who could save the world. How on earth could he ever live up to this little boy's expectations? _

"_Mommy doesn't believe me, but I told her you could make it all better. Hurry up, she needs you."_

_Following the direction of his son's gaze, Nathan saw her, the woman he loved more than anything in this world and she looked broken, empty… a shell of the person he knew her to be. Taking a seat beside her, he moved his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side. She stiffened at his touch and jolted off the sofa._

"_Don't touch me!"_

"_Hales." He pleaded. The look of disdain in her eyes made him feel nauseous. He stood, reaching out to her again, begging her with his eyes not to pull away._

"_No! I hate you." She cried, swatting his hand away frantically. Her usually warm, inviting eyes were now wild with emotion, tears streaming down her cheeks._

"_No." he whispered, not realizing that three worlds could cut him so deep._

"_Yes! I hate you more than anyone I've ever known. You wanted this. You wanted our baby to die so that you would get your way; so that I'd do what you wanted. You wished our child never existed; that you never knocked me up in the first place."_

"_No! I loved our baby. I wanted to protect you, both of you, but…" What could he say, except that he'd failed? All of this was his fault._

_He felt his brother's hand on his shoulder and saw the pity in his eyes. In that moment he wanted to take strength from his older brother, wanted to lean on him like he used to when they were just little boys, but he couldn't. "Oh, little brother. When are you going to get it? You can't protect anyone… didn't you learn that lesson when you let your mother die? You couldn't even save her could you?"_

_He was going to hyperventilate. The blood rushing through his head was so loud he wondered how he could hear anything at all, but suddenly it stopped… then he heard her voice and he froze. It was a voice he hadn't heard in ten years. A voice he never thought he'd hear again_

"_He's right baby. You gave up school, your scholarship, your girlfriend… your future because you thought you could save me and what good did it do anybody? I still died alone in my bed while you were wrapped up with some whore in hers."_

_He looked at the contempt on his mother's face and felt as if she'd struck him, her words hitting with the force of sledgehammer, all the more painful because he knew they were true._

_Haley stepped forward. "Don't you see? Our child had no chance. If you couldn't even stop your mother from dying how could you save a baby you resented and wanted dead anyway. Why are you even here, Nathan? You wanted me to kill our baby and I wouldn't… well you got what you wanted in the end. You should be out celebrating, not here pretending to mourn."_

_He'd never seen so much hatred in anyone before, and to see that hatred in Haley aimed at him was killing him. He'd rather be dead than see the way she was looking at him in that moment._

"_Did you really tell mom to kill the baby, Nathan?" JJ asked accusingly as he dropped Nathan's hand and moved closer into his mother's side._

_Nathan didn't know what hurt more, his son's question or the fact that he'd gone back to calling him Nathan, instead of Dad. It had meant so much to him for JJ to see him as his father… and now it was over._

_Glaring at him hatefully JJ stepped in front of his mother protectiverly. "We don't need you anymore anyways. My real dad's back now and he'll make sure nothing bad happens to us ever again."_

_When Mitchell appeared and took JJ's hand while sliding his other arm around Haley's waist, Nathan felt ill. It only got worse when her adoring face smiled up at her ex-husband, and Nathan thought he would be sick; could practically taste the bile in his throat. The searing pain in his chest built up to the point he thought he was having a heart attack. Why couldn't he breathe? _

"_Thanks Natey-boy. I appreciate you standing in for me but I can take it from here." Mitchell clapped his back forcefully, sending him stumbling forward onto the ground, clasping his chest as he tried in vain to suck air into his lungs. He lay on the ground, his vision blurring, but not before he could see his family and friends turning their backs on him and walking away with one final word._

_Failure._

Nathan jolted upright, awakened from his nightmare. He could feel his sweat dampened t-shirt sticking to his skin as he struggled to calm his racing heart and catch his breath. Looking beside him at the empty spot where Haley usually slept, he felt a cold dread wash over him, and in that moment he'd never felt more alone.


	22. Changes

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

_**A/N: **Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last update and to all of you who went to the trouble to contact me about this update. It really did help my motivation to know that there were people out there excited about the next chapter. _

_Also thank you to everyone who assisted me with this update especially **Dawn** for her constant support and **Ha** for taking the time to beta it for me._

* * *

"Haley James! You sit your behind down on that damn chair before I have to tie you to it!" Karen ordered with her hands on her hips. She'd been watching the blonde from the corner of her eye trying to sneak around the kitchen to help with dinner. The girl just could not sit still and Karen recognized it as the nesting phase of her pregnancy. With Lucas she'd been unable to stop from cooking and cleaning for weeks before he was due.

Haley pouted before following orders and as gracefully as possible, she sank down onto the chair. Graceful was something she most definitely was not at the moment; she felt like a beached whale.

"I invited you over to eat dinner Karen, not cook it."

"Too bad! You're eight months pregnant and recovering from surgery… I refuse to let you run around after all of us." Placing a cutting board and knife on the table the older woman smiled warmly, knowing how much it was killing her to do nothing. "Why don't you prepare the salad?"

"It's been almost three months since my surgery," she grumbled as she started slicing the salad ingredients, "and I'm going to have a baby just like millions of other women… I'm not a cripple."

"Stop sulking beautiful; Karen's under strict orders from me." Nathan shared a conspiratorial smile with Karen as he walked into the kitchen. When Haley had mentioned having everyone over for dinner he'd known opposing the idea would be a waste of time, so he'd simply gotten her to agree to let everyone bring a dish with them rather than cooking everything herself. She'd finally caved after many arguments about being capable of organizing one dinner, and in the end her only responsibility had been preparing the salad. He knew she felt useless but he wasn't going to let her over-exert herself.

Haley glared playfully and huffed before gesturing to Karen who was busy placing casserole dishes in the oven. "Seeing as though you seem to want to be in charge, why aren't you in here organizing the dinner instead of our guest?"

"Karen's not a guest - she's family." Nathan quipped, smirking when he saw the corners of her lips turn up in a smile, "and besides, I'm out there looking after the other cripple."

"Your brother stopped needing to be looked after weeks ago, Nathan, so don't even try to use that excuse anymore you slacker." She teased with a smile, leaning up as he moved in to kiss her. She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek as the kiss lingered, the couple only pulling apart at the deep sound of a throat clearing.

Haley smiled when she saw her father standing there, passing a store bought dessert to Karen. He'd been living on his own for a couple of months now and he still hadn't learned the art of cooking. He really didn't need to when he either ate his meals at the café, or had them cooked for him by herself or Karen. She wondered if there was connection between being born with a 'Y' chromosome and the tendency to play dumb until someone offered to do everything for you. Men seemed to have mastered that ability.

"Stop pawing my daughter, boy." Jimmy James joked, smiling warmly at his family. "You don't get those privileges until you walk her down the aisle."

Glancing down at his fiancé's very pregnant stomach, Nathan chuckled. "I think I already got those privileges… and then some."

"Nathan!" Haley scolded as her face heated with embarrassment. She slapped his arm playfully as he moved to shake hands with his soon to be father in law. It was amazing how well Nathan and her father got along. Just months ago she never would have dreamed of having all of these people here in her home, enjoying each other's company. So much had changed in such a short time and at times like these she realized just how very grateful she was.

"Grandpa Jimmy!" JJ ran into the kitchen, his arms immediately wrapping around the older man's waist. The two had grown close over the months; Jimmy making up for lost time by spending as much time as he could with his grandson. Before he could even respond, JJ heard his Uncle Luke cheering in the living room and raced off to see what he'd missed.

"How are you pumpkin?" He asked his daughter as he leaned down and hugged her to his side, his hand patting her stomach gently. The arrival of his new grandchild was something he was looking forward to and now that he would be living here in town, he would have a chance to be a part of the baby's life. He'd missed out on so much of Josh's upbringing, but he wouldn't let that happen this time around; this time he would be the best Grandfather he could be.

"I'm good, Dad." She promised with a smile before pouting sulkily again in Nathan's direction. "I'm sick of being treated like a child, but other than that I'm good."

"Aw, we only do it because we love you."

"I know." And she did. She was so blessed to have all of these people in her life. She didn't know if she'd be coping half as well as she was with all the stresses of the baby coming, the dark cloud of her breast cancer hanging over them and the dread of the chemo treatments to come after the birth, if she didn't have all of these people to rely on. "Did the papers come today?"

Jimmy nodded with a sad smile. After his visit three months earlier he had realized how much he'd lost himself over the years in his marriage to Lydia. He used to be a young, carefree, spirited man who wanted nothing more than to enjoy a comfortable life with his loved ones. His wife had wanted the same in the beginning, but at some point her dreams and values had changed; social climbing had become her top priority and everyone in the James family was expected to act and make decisions with the James family image at the forefront of their minds. He'd been weak and gave in over and over until he barely had a say in any part of his life, instead Lydia had taken charge. He was ashamed of the man he'd become; a man who went for years with barely any contact with his youngest daughter all because according to his wife she'd shamed the family and almost ruined their good name.

Learning that Haley was sick again and faced with the cold hard reality that he could really lose her forever, something had changed within him. It had all become so clear and he realized that he didn't love his wife anymore… at least not the person she'd become, and it finally hit him that he wasn't happy. He hadn't been happy in a long time. He'd started divorce proceedings and moved to Tree Hill to be closer to the daughter he so wanted to reconnect with. Having a second chance with his daughter and his grandson was a blessing and he was making the most of it. He'd also gained a son in Nathan, the man responsible for his daughter's happiness. Nathan was a fine man and Jimmy would be eternally grateful for how he'd looked after his family. It was something he'd never forget.

"Hey, can you bring me another beer, man?" Luke called out from the living room.

Haley held in a giggle as she watched Nathan glare playfully in his brother's direction. "Get it yourself, dude. I'm not your servant."

"No… he's mine." Haley shouted before poking her tongue out childishly. Shrugging his shoulders in surrender, Nathan leaned down and kissed her quickly, catching her by surprise. Breaking their kiss he pecked her lips once and then her nose before whispering with a grin "Sad, but true."

"Moooom! Aunt Brooke's on the phone." JJ called as he brought the cordless handset into the kitchen before complaining to his Aunt. "Ew gross. They're kissing again."

Haley rolled her eyes at her son as he handed her the phone before leaving the kitchen with his father and grandfather presumably to watch the basketball game with Luke.

"Ugh! Are you and hot shot being disgustingly lovey dovey again? We're supposed to be the newlyweds, not you." Brooke teased good naturedly down the line.

Ignoring the comment, Haley smiled at how predictable she and Nathan were. Everyone was pretty much used to them constantly kissing and touching. "Hey Brooke. How's the honeymoon going?"

"It's amazing! We're having the best time Hales."

"I'm so glad. Now give me the details… What have you seen, what have you done?" she asked, dreaming up images of lying on the beach and playing in the surf.

"You mean beside my husband's hot bod and my husband's hot bod?"

"Brooke Davis! Keep it PG, girl."

"That's Brooke Jaglielski… and nothing about a honeymoon should be rated PG!"

"So sorry Mrs. Jaglielski."

"You're forgiven. But seriously… I know we had all these plans to see the sights and do tourist-y stuff… but I swear we've barely left the bed, let alone the hotel room. I'd stay here forever if I could." She added wistfully.

"I'm happy for you Brooke. The two of you deserve this."

"We miss Jenny like crazy though. Speaking on the phone everyday just isn't the same, you know?"

Hearing her son's laughter from the other room Haley smiled and rubbed her belly thoughtfully. "Yeah, I know."

"But she's having a great time with Jake's parents and after you guys, they're definitely the ones I'd want to leave her with. I have no idea why I was so worried about seeing them again now that we're married; Mama and Papa Jaglielski love me. Oh! Gotta go. Naked husband."

Haley chuckled as her friend hung up leaving only the dial tone. She was so happy for Brooke and Jake and hoped that things would always be this good for them.

"Sounds like the newlyweds are having a good time." Karen said, untying her apron and placing it on the bench.

"Does Brooke even know how to not have a good time?" Haley joked, half-heartedly. She really was happy for them but hearing the complete joy in her friend's voice only brought home how far from perfect her own life was at the moment, but she refused to dwell on it. She'd just been thinking how grateful she was for everything only minutes earlier, and to ruin that by wallowing in self pity about the things that weren't so great was something she refused to do.

Karen held back a sigh as she watched Haley's façade slip for the first time that evening. She knew that the younger woman wasn't handling things as well as she always tried to portray. She'd changed since her mastectomy, just subtle changes but changes all the same. Haley had opened up to her a little after the surgery, explaining how she had been worried that she'd never feel like a 'real woman' again, but every time Karen had brought up the subject since then, Haley had sworn that she was fine and feeling like her normal self.

Watching her and Nathan together proved that wasn't the case. Sure, they were the same loving couple they'd always been, but she could see something different in their interaction. There was always a touch of hesitance between them physically. It was obvious to all that they were still madly in love but there was definitely a strain in the relationship… a distance that was almost imperceptible unless you knew them both well. They were dealing with so much stress, and Karen was surprised they were coping as well as they were but it didn't stop her from feeling helpless. She just wished she could fix everything for them because she loved them like they were her own children. She'd helped raise Nathan as a boy and for years now Haley had been like the daughter she never had. Their happiness was so important to her and she'd do anything to help them.

"Is everything okay, Haley?"

Haley looked startled for a moment before laughing the question off. "Besides being the size of a house, everything is wonderful."

"Haley…" reaching across the table and taking her hand, Karen smiled encouragingly at the blonde. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

She swallowed a lump in her throat at the tenderness in Karen's eyes. This woman had taken Lydia's place in her life and she was lucky to have her. "I know that, Karen."

The moment was broken by the shrill buzzing of the oven timer. Standing quickly, Haley cleared her throat and gave Karen what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'll go let the boys know dinner is ready. Hopefully I can drag them away from the TV."

Making her way into the living room Haley rolled her eyes as she heard four very loud voices shouting over the top of each other. One might think that being surrounded by sports mad men would heighten her interest, but she still didn't understand the appeal.

"What was that? The ref's blind!" Nathan shouted in disbelief.

"He hit him! Right Dad?"

"I can't believe that assh…" Luke spotted Haley beside the couch and halted mid-curse, and choosing something more child friendly "Jerk-face. That was definitely a foul."

Picking up the remote control and switching off the television, Haley smirked as all four heads turned to face her. "Dinner's ready."

"But baby, the game's almost over." Nathan pleaded in the voice their son used when he was trying to get his own way.

"Yeah mom. It's almost over." And there was it was. Sometimes it was like having two children.

"Yeah Hales. Can we please just watch the rest?" Make that three, she thought as Luke joined in. Her eyes moved to the next spot on the couch hoping that her father would act his age and refrain from whining.

"Aw pumpkin…"

Haley shook her head in disbelief at the four of them all whining like toddlers and put her hands on her hips, staring them all down. "Dinner. Now."

As much as they wanted to protest, Haley barely heard their grumbling as they followed her into the dining room. They may be acting like babies, but all of them knew better than to mess with a hormonal Haley. She smirked to herself thinking how nice it was to be in charge after having been ordered around all evening.

* * *

"You look tired Hales. Why don't you head up to bed? Luke and I will wash up." Nathan offered, massaging his fiancé's feet as the credits rolled on the movie the three of them had been watching. Josh had gone to bed a couple of hours earlier and Jimmy had driven Karen home not long ago, leaving her car for Luke to get home.

"Thanks." She smiled thinking that was the kind of bossiness she could handle. Nathan stood up and helped her off the couch, something that was practically impossible for her to do on her own these days and she felt her heart do a little flutter as he smiled at her. With just one look, he could still make her feel like a schoolgirl with a crush. "I am feeling pretty tired."

"Good night, Hales." Luke said hugging her as close as he could considering the current size of her belly. "Make sure you get plenty of rest before my nephew gets here. If he's anything like his daddy he'll be a hell raiser."

"Nephew? You're still convinced we're having a boy?"

"Sorry Hales. This baby's a Scott and as much as I hate thinking about anything to do with Dan and his family, Mom tells me there hasn't been a girl born into the Scott family for generations."

"Lord help me." She joked, pecking Lucas' cheek. "Good night Luke."

"I'll be up soon." Nathan promised. He kissed her forehead and watched her walk up the stairs, still worried about her going up and down them no matter how many times she told him it wasn't a problem.

When he entered the kitchen, his brother was already rinsing off the dishes and stacking them into the dishwasher, so he started wrapping up leftovers and putting them away.

"Everything okay?" Luke asked, eyeing his brother carefully. This newfound friendship they'd forged after years of tension was still fragile and he wanted to tread carefully. He had his brother back and there was no way he would risk screwing things up with him again.

"Why? What do you mean?" Nathan asked a little defensively, still finding it hard to be open with his brother even though he was trying so hard to mend their relationship.

"It's nothing really, you just seemed a little tense tonight… and you were watching Haley like a hawk."

Nathan sighed, dejectedly. Things weren't okay and it was damn tiring putting on a front all the time. "I don't know."

"Is the baby okay? Haley? She had an appointment last week, right?" Luke asked concerned that maybe there was something he didn't know.

"Yeah, they're fine. Dr. Parish says the baby is perfectly healthy and should go to full term… and Haley's fine too, well as fine as can be under the circumstances I guess. He is happy with the pregnancy and he's sure they removed the entire tumor during the surgery. Apparently the chemo is really just to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. With her history he doesn't want to take any chances so he'll start her treatments after the baby's born."

"Jeez. That's gonna be rough man. Mom always told me how difficult it was coping with a baby; how tired she was all the time. I imagine it'll be a lot worse for Hales."

"I just wish…" Nathan sighed and slumped down into the closest chair. "I just wish I wasn't so useless. All of this shit is happening and there's nothing I can do."

Luke stopped what he was doing and turned around, leaning against the countertop. "That's not true, Nate. Just being here for Haley is making a huge difference. She's been through this before, well the cancer part anyway, and she was on her own. This time she's got you by her side to help her deal with everything. I know that means the world to her Nate." And he did. Haley had already told him how scared she was about the cancer, but the one thing keeping her sane was having Nathan there for her. He knew she didn't think she'd be able to cope without him.

"You still having those dreams?" Luke asked quietly, knowing his brother didn't really like to talk about them much. Nathan had never gone into detail, but the haunted look on his face when he mentioned them pretty much told Luke how bad they were.

"Sometimes. Not as much as before." He watched his brother stacking dishes and the whole situation felt surreal. Only months ago he had honestly wished Luke would just disappear from his life and now here they were trying to rebuild their relationship. It had taken him thinking he'd lost his brother forever to realize how stupid it was holding a grudge for so long. Nathan still clearly remembered that night when Haley had screamed out his name from the living room. His first thought was that something had happened to her but then he'd seen her watching the television in horror as his brother's face flashed across the screen; the news anchor reporting that NBA star Lucas Scott had been involved in a head on collision and was believed to have died on the way to the hospital.

If anyone had told him before then that the news would feel like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest and filled it with sorrow and regret, he wouldn't have believed them. But in that moment, when he thought his brother was dead and that he'd wasted years resenting the only blood relative he had left in his life, Nathan had wished he could have that time back.

Thankfully the report had been incorrect and it was the drunk driver from the other vehicle who'd died. Luke hadn't escaped unscathed though; he'd spent weeks in hospital recovering from internal injuries and broken bones. With his NBA season cut short, Luke had come back to stay with Karen, and he and Nathan had begun to make up for lost time. Things weren't perfect, not by a long shot but they loved each other and were learning how to be brothers again.

"What's going on, Nate? I know I have no right to pry, but we used to be close and I think I know you pretty well. Something's wrong."

"God, man. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." Resting his head in his hands, Nathan took a deep breath. There was no way he was going to cry. He'd avoided it this long and there was no way he'd lose it now. He heard the scrape of a chair and knew Luke had sat down next to him when he felt a comforting arm on his shoulder.

"You're doing what you can. That's all anyone can expect of you. You're so damn hard on yourself, Nate. We're all so proud of you and how you're taking care of Haley and JJ through all of this."

"You don't understand. I'm not that guy."

"What guy?" Luke asked patiently, not wanting to push when he felt like he was finally getting Nathan to open up.

"You all think I'm this perfect guy who's doing the right thing by his family but I'm not. You don't even know…"

"Then tell me. You can tell me anything and it's just between the two of us."

"I told her to abort the baby, Luke." Nathan whispered unable to meet Lucas' intent gaze. "We had to make a choice and I tried to make Haley kill the baby."

"That's not how it was Nate! I know that you and Haley fought about what to do when she found out about the cancer, but you were trying to do what was best for her. You wanted to make sure that Haley was okay. No one blames you for that Nathan. No one thinks any less of you."

"Well I do. I hate myself for doing that to her… and the baby. How am I ever going to look at my child without remembering what I wanted to do? It's like I have all of this love for the baby and every time I feel it kick or when I see an ultrasound I know I love it more than anything, but then I remember what I… and I just feel like I don't deserve to feel this happy you know? Like I don't deserve this baby."

Luke fought back tears as he heard the self-loathing in his brother's voice and saw the anguish in his eyes. He'd been feeling this way for months now, trying to pretend everything was fine and combined with dealing with Haley's health problems he was a mess on the inside. "God, I had no idea you were feeling like this. Have you talked to Haley about it?"

"No! I can't talk to her about it and you can't tell her." Nathan gave him a look of warning. "She's got enough to deal with; she does not need to know about this."

"Okay. I promised this would stay between us and it will, but I really think you guys need to talk. If I can tell there's something wrong then I bet Haley can too." He could see Nathan thinking about his comment but doubted that it would do any good. Nathan Scott had always been stubborn and it was obvious he'd do anything for his fiancé, even if that included struggling with this on his own.

* * *

Her lips turned up into a smile as she felt the kick; a faint stretching of skin near her navel visible in the mirror where her baby's foot or elbow protruded. She loved these moments when she was able to feel her child moving, the reassurance that her baby was safe and soon to be born into the world was always enough to brighten up her day. Smoothing a hand over her very round belly she closed her eyes and sighed, biting back on her impulse to call out to Nathan. She could hear him through the door, moving about in their bedroom getting ready for bed. She'd dreamed so many times at the beginning of her pregnancy about how things would be for them and this certainly wasn't what she'd envisioned; Nathan appearing outwardly like a happy father-to-be yet inwardly growing more and more distant when it came to their baby… and her wanting to share their child with him, share herself with him but unable to let him close physically… intimately.

Focusing back on her reflection she took in her rosy cheeks, shiny hair and the general glow that pregnancy afforded her. She looked young, healthy and happy. Her belly was a lot smaller than it had been with Josh but the doctor had promised that every pregnancy is different and the baby being smaller didn't mean that there was anything to worry about. In her reflection she could almost see the perfect picture of an expectant mother… if only she could ignore the scar down her chest where her breast used to be. In the weeks after her surgery she'd not been able to even look at herself, shying away from mirrors completely until she was fully clothed… but then one morning she'd forgotten; her eyes had locked onto the image of her scarred flesh and she was unable to look away for what felt like hours. Now she found herself studying the conspicuously flat surface after every shower and was sure she had memorized every crease of puckered skin that ran along the lines where she had been stitched back together. She'd found the sight hideous at first, comparing herself to Frankenstein, but now the sight only made her numb.

"Babe? Are you almost done?"

Nathan's voice startled her out of her thoughts, and as had become habit, she immediately reached for the closest thing to cover herself up. It was pointless really, when she'd been locking the bathroom door for months now, and even if it wasn't locked, Nathan knew well enough not to enter without her permission anyway. He'd learned that the hard way, and Haley winced remembering how painful that encounter had been for them both. It wasn't long after she'd come home from the hospital and she'd taken a bath when Nathan and JJ had gone out to play ball. She'd fallen asleep in the tub and Nathan had waltzed into their en suite as he always did after playing at the Rivercourt to find her dozing. She hadn't woken up until she felt his warm lips against her forehead and in her sleepy state she'd smiled at the contact. It wasn't until she'd opened her eyes and remembered why she'd waited for him to leave before taking her bath that she'd started freaking out, screaming at him to get out. She had been so scared and angry and ashamed in that moment, not wanting him to see her disfigured body, but she hadn't been so overcome that she didn't notice the hurt and confusion in his own eyes before he left the room. That was the last time he'd seen her without her clothes on and even then he hadn't seen her scars.

In her panic, she'd forgotten about the bandage covering the place where her breast used to be but it was a small relief. He'd still seen the flat surface made even more obvious by her other breast, swollen from pregnancy. Haley had never been one to worry about her body or self-image but that night she'd truly loathed herself. How could her fiancé ever want her again when she was no longer whole; barely even a woman?

"Hales?"

"Yeah, I'll be right out." She called, reaching for her special mastectomy bra. She knew it was stupid wearing it to bed, not to mention it could get uncomfortable, but she just felt more secure with it on. It was like a child's safety blanket and she couldn't part with it.

She frowned at the garment, its plain flesh colored cotton reminding her of the underwear found in the 'granny section' at Wal-Mart but even though Brooke had tried to get her to order some of the sexier bras that were available, she couldn't do it. She wasn't sexy, never felt sexy and couldn't imagine feeling sexy ever again. If she wore them it would feel like a lie. Quickly throwing one of Nathan's old t-shirts on as well as a pair of pajama bottoms, she assessed her appearance, seeing a normal woman staring back at her. Covered up this way she could almost forget.

Taking a deep breath she smiled in the mirror making sure there was no evidence of her previous thoughts. She wouldn't ruin the night. It was at night, laying together in bed in the darkness that reality seemed to fade away and they were simply Nathan and Haley… a different couple than before, but ignoring their problems in the blanket of darkness was the closest they came to peace and she wouldn't ruin it for anything.


	23. Unity

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Your feedback and encouragement always means a lot to me. I think that this story will probably be wrapped up in about 7 or 8 chapters so it feels like the home stretch now._

_Once again I owe a big thank you to Dawn for her assistance with the update and to Molly and Kris for their encouragement._

* * *

"Dude. You're doing it wrong."

"Shut up, Luke. I'm doing it exactly how she showed us."

"Don't swear in front of it."

"Don't call him an 'it'"

A throat clearing caught their attention and both Nathan and Lucas looked up from what they were doing.

"Is everything going okay here?"

Nathan offered a strange half smile, half grimace. When he'd signed up for this 'Daddy-to-be' class he'd thought it would just be a chance to help ensure he was ready for what was to come. With Haley only three weeks away from her due date he wanted to make sure that everything she'd been telling him, and everything he'd been reading could be put into practice. Only… it wasn't quite going to plan and he was starting to think his 'brilliant' idea of bringing 'Uncle Luke' along to get used to changing diapers was his first mistake. It was just like when they were kids and Luke always thought he new best because he was a bit older. Pain in the ass!

"It's not stuck properly, Nate. It's going to come undone."

"It's a sticky tab, Luke. I don't need a degree to figure it out."

Both of the men looked up at Gillian the woman teaching the class and waited for her assessment of Nathan's diaper changing abilities.

"It looks fine, but the real test will be when you pick him up. Hopefully it doesn't fall off." She smiled indicating for Nathan to pick the baby up. He looked at little William who was smiling up at him, chewing on his own fists and he couldn't help but smile back.

Nathan had been so hesitant about coming along to the class, the issues he'd been dealing with meant that it was easier for him to think of the baby in hypothetical terms. But it turned out it was the best thing he could have done because all this interaction with the babies in the class; feeding them bottles, bathing them and changing diapers had suddenly made his own child more real to him. In a few weeks his son or daughter would be born and he'd be responsible for them. He would hold a life in his hands literally and while it scared the crap out of him he was in awe of it too. The feelings it evoked in him were the scariest and yet the greatest emotions he'd ever experienced. For the first time since Haley had been diagnosed he was feeling elated about the pregnancy. He loved his child and he would do everything in his power to be the best father ever… and it was time to let go of the past; of the guilt he'd been carrying and just revel in the excitement and joy that was now filling him and banishing his darker emotions.

"Hey little man. You ready to show off my brilliant diaper changing skills? Yes you are." Nathan cooed grinning at the baby who chuckled with delight as he was lifted into the air. Hearing Luke snickering at his baby talk, Nathan shot him a playful glare before smirking in triumph as the diaper stayed in place.

"Cop that, Luke. I bet you can't do any better than that. Can he William?"

"Ugh. Enough of the baby talk already. I hope I'm not going to have to put up with that for the next year or so."

Nathan noticed the teacher giggling behind her hand, obviously finding the brother's bickering extremely amusing. Nathan grinned sheepishly, realizing how childish they were behaving but not wanting to change it for the world. It had been years since he and Luke had been so comfortable around each other and he was just so happy to have his brother back.

"All right little Willie. Let's show Nate how it's done."

Watching Gillian move along to the next table with two other father's who'd been paired together for the exercise, Nathan decided it was time to trash talk his brother, maybe psyche him out a little.

"I don't think William appreciates you saying he's got a little pecker, dude."

Lucas blinked in surprise then sent his brother a glare. "Nice try man, but you're not breaking my concentration. I'm doing this and I'm doing it well."

"Concentration? It's a diaper Luke… even JJ can change one. Actually he's pretty damn good at it."

"Wait? How do you know JJ can change… Haley's helped you practice hasn't she?"

Nathan looked away sheepishly realizing he'd just got himself caught. He'd walked into the nursery a couple of weeks earlier to find Haley showing JJ how to change a diaper on a doll. When he joined them, his fiancé decided it was perfect timing for a class in diapers 101. That's why he'd been so confident moments earlier… unfortunately he hadn't planned on letting Luke know about his advantage.

"Well I can still kick your a… butt. Who knew watching your language could be so difficult."

"You'll get used to it. It took me a couple of months before I could relax and know I wasn't going to accidentally curse in front of JJ." Nathan chuckled remembering how often he'd stopped himself just in time.

"You're a really great dad, Nate." Luke said with a smile before turning his attentions back to the sticky tab on the new diaper he was adjusting; his tongue poking out the side of his mouth as he concentrated intensely on the task.

"Thanks, man."

"Yeah, baby. I rock. I believe I finished this faster than you did… Mr. I've already done this before." Luke mocked with a smirk as the teacher approached their change table.

"Looks good Lucas. Now for the final test…"

Lucas grinned, looking inordinately pleased with himself as he lifted the baby into the air. "Hmmph. It's a natural talent I guess."

At that exact moment the tabs on the diaper came undone and it fell to the table leaving baby William as naked as the day he was born. The baby giggled and kicked his feet excitedly before he decided to relieve himself and sent a stream of urine towards Luke, soaking the front of his shirt.

"Oh dear." Gillian said, trying her best not to laugh at the look of shock and disgust on the blonde man's face… and his dark haired brother who stood beside him doubled over in hysterics.

Quickly lying the baby back down on the table, Luke reached for another diaper intent on stopping the flow, but as William focused on Nathan's loud laughter, the inquisitive baby followed the noise and rolled to his right looking in Nathan's direction… his aim following.

"What the?" Nathan yelped as his own top was splashed with pee.

Luke joined in with the rest of the class who were all chuckling at the sight, glad that they'd managed to avoid the same problem.

"Not so funny now, is it Nate?" Luke taunted playfully. "Better get used it. I have a feeling my nephew's going to be really good at that."

"We're having a girl. Definitely a girl." Nathan glanced down at the wet patch on his polo and winced. "Please let us have a girl."

* * *

"So how do you think the terrible twosome are doing?" Brooke snickered as she placed a mug of herbal tea down in front of her friend. She'd taken much delight in listening to Haley grumble about not being allowed to even make her guests a cup of tea. Brooke had ignored her grumbles, stating that she didn't need to be on her feet and the only sort of activity she should be considering was sex. That had quickly shut her up.

Haley smiled ruefully and chuckled. "I don't know. I'm starting to worry Nathan's going to come home from this class declaring he's not ready for dirty diapers."

"No way… but I somehow think Luke is going to stop proclaiming that he's willing to help out with the baby whenever you need. He's likely to take that offer back down to holding the baby… and only where there's no crying involved."

"Oh well… if they're scarred for life at least there's still Jake. I know he can handle the nitty gritty of parenthood." Haley joked, rubbing her stomach, knowing that it would never come to that. Nathan had been a little distant lately and he didn't seem to talk about the baby a lot but sometimes she'd see him looking at her round belly or fiddling with something in the nursery and there'd be this moment where his eyes would be alight with love. He loved their baby and was probably just scared which she figured was normal… hell, she'd been petrified before JJ arrived.

"Actually… I guess this is probably the perfect time to tell you." Brooke started with a shy smile.

"You're not!"

Nodding her head with a grin, Brooke confirmed Haley's thoughts. "Oh yes I am. I'm pregnant; eight weeks along. I'm not really supposed to be announcing it yet… but I just couldn't wait to tell someone."

"Oh honey. I'm so happy for you." Haley said excitedly as she leaned forward hugging her friend awkwardly as she tried to angle her ever expanding stomach out of the way. "That didn't take long."

"I know… although three months seems like forever when you're waiting for something you really want."

"Congratulations Brooke. You're going to be an amazing mother… just look at how much Jenny adores you. You've practically raised one child already."

"I love that girl like and consider her my own… but I have to admit that I'm excited about the pregnancy stuff and the baby stuff. I missed out on that with her, but at least Jake's going to know what the hell he's doing because I swear I've read four baby books in the past week and I'm beyond confused."

"Books are great but it won't all click into place until you have to put it into practice."

"Yeah I guess you're right. And Jake will know what to do and you'll be able to give me advice. I'm all set."

Haley smiled sadly as she thought into the future and what she'd be doing in seven months. She knew her chemo would last about four to six months so at least that would be over - assuming she was still… No! She would not even finish that thought. The key to her getting through all of this was positive thinking and… she would get through this. She had to!

"Hales, I'm home."

Haley smiled, unbelievably happy for her fiancé's appearance because only he and her son had the ability to brighten her thoughts when they'd turned so dark.

"In the kitchen." She called, raising her eyebrows questioningly as the two men entered the room shirtless. "Did I miss the strip show?"

Brooke snickered before stating "Meh. Who cares…my Hu…"

"Husband's hotter. We know." All three finished the sentence for her, their voices sarcastic. Ever since she'd married Jake she'd been 'My husband' this and 'My husband' that… or 'My husband's so hot I can barely keep my hands off him.' Poor Nathan was ready to strangle her.

Pouting she crossed her arms petulantly. "Well he is."

"Are you going to refer to him only as your husband forever?" Nathan teased with humor. "I'm not sure Jake would be too happy with that."

"Why not? Would you have a problem with Haley constantly calling you her husband when you guys get married?" Brooke asked, watching Nathan's eyes light up at the prospect as he smiled at his fiancé. Damn that boy was in love.

"Point taken." He acceded, moving into the room to kiss Haley sweetly.

"Ugh! I'm so sick of loved up couples. You're all nauseating." Luke groaned, opening the fridge and pulling out a soda.

The other three laughed before Haley asked again why they weren't wearing any shirts. Reluctantly the two boys recounted the earlier events much to the amusement of the girls who laughed uproariously.

And that was how Jake found them as he arrived to pick up his wife. He'd just dropped JJ and Jenny off at a birthday party where they'd stay until Karen collected them. She and Jimmy were taking the kids to the movies and then Karen was keeping them overnight. "Looks like I'm missing the party."

"Hi husband." Brooke cooed hugging him tightly and giving him a lingering kiss.

"hmmm… hello wife."

Luke rolled his eyes at yet another public display of affection and muttered 'whipped' under his breath. He really needed to get more single friends.

"Do I need to hit you again?" Jake asked with a glare but it disappeared within seconds as his lips twitched upwards into a smile.

"You hit him?" Brooke asked in a tone that expressed both surprise and pride. When Jake shrugged looking not at all sorry for his admission, she turned to Luke with a smirk. "Did it hurt?"

"Like Hell." Luke replied automatically touching his side where Jake had punched him just days after discovering he'd kissed Brooke. Luke still regretted it and had no idea what he was thinking but thankfully Jake had considered the punch punishment enough and along with a warning that he'd break every bone in Luke's body if he ever touched his girl again, Jake had let it rest, seemingly very secure in his relationship.

"Good. You were an ass." Brooke quipped before quickly pulling Jake's head down and kissing him soundly. She pulled away practically purring. "It's so hot that you defended my honor like that."

Nathan rolled his eyes at Brooke's dramatics before pulling Haley's back against his chest and resting his chin on the top of her head. She was so tiny that he still had to stoop a little to reach her but he didn't care. He loved the feel of her being wrapped up in him.

"I'm outta here before I have to roll my eyes one more time and they fall out of their sockets."

Haley laughed thinking how much Luke reminded her of JJ who always complained about his parents canoodling in front of him. "Why don't you compare notes with JJ and Jenny? You can make it part of their sleepover." She teased.

Brooke jumped up and down excitedly. "The sleepover! We have the place to ourselves tonight! I totally forgot. Sorry Hales, we gotta go do… stuff. Bye."

Nathan shook his head as he heard the front door close shut behind his friends. "That girl never did understand being subtle."

"I doubt she ever will." Haley responded, placing the mugs in the sink.

"Why does it feel like there are always people here?" Nathan grumbled as he took her ahdn and led her towards the living room where he made her take a seat and place her feet on his lap so he could give her a foot rub. It was something he now did regularly, stating that if she had to put up with his baby's crazy kicking then the least he could do was make sure her feet didn't hurt. He still had trouble believing how strong the kicks could be; one night even falling out of bed after being shocked by the kick he'd felt against his back.

"Because there always are people here." She laughed knowing that while it was occasionally frustrating, most of the time they loved having so many friends calling over.

"Baby, I need to talk to you about something."

Haley nodded, watching him intently. She knew Nathan's 'serious voice' and this was definitely it.

"Um… God, I don't know where to start."

Giving him a reassuring smile she said "Take your time. Just say whatever comes into your head."

Nodding resolutely he thought for a moment. "Okay… I got really excited at the class today, like – 'I can't believe this is happening, I'm so lucky, this is the best thing ever' – excited."

Haley giggled at how he seemed to find that so surprising. "Okay… well I'm glad. It sounds pretty normal for a soon to be father."

"Yeah I know… but it's not normal that it's the first time I've felt that way." Taking a deep breath he continued. "I haven't been able to feel that way before because I've been feeling really guilty."

"Oh… but why?" she asked hesitantly.

"You know that fight we had after your first visit with Dr. Parish?"

"Yeah." She responded quietly, hating to think about the ugly things they'd said that day.

"Well ever since I tried to force you to have an abortion…"

"Nathan! That's not how it was."

"Hales… please just let me say this now or I don't know if I'll ever be able to say it." He waited for her to agree. "Ever since then I've been feeling like… I don't deserve our baby. If I could ask you to get rid of the baby then what kind of father was going to be? How would I ever be able to look our child in the eyes knowing that if I'd had my way they wouldn't even be alive?"

He heard her sharp intake of breath, obviously shocked by his words but she didn't say anything, instead letting him finish what he needed to say.

"I love our baby so much, Hales. Every time I think about our child I feel like my heart is going to burst with love… but that feeling always gets drowned out by the guilt. I've been avoiding the guilt and because the guilt comes when I think of the baby I guess I've been trying to avoid that too. I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you one hundred percent. I haven't given you everything but I'm going to. I promise you."

"Oh, Nathan. I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this, and I'm sorry I didn't realize what was going on because I would have made you see that you were wrong. I know how much you love our baby… and I know how much you love me. The choice you made was out of love for me and had nothing to do with not being a good father or not loving our child. You know that now, right?"

He smiled, lifting her feet of his lap and gathering her up so that she was sitting there instead. "I do now. I don't know exactly why or how it happened but being in that class today and looking after those babies just changed everything. Suddenly I was looking at and holding this baby that was so real, ya know? I could see myself doing all those things with our baby and suddenly it hit me that I love this baby with everything in me , and I will love doing all of those mundane…" wrinkling his nose he added "and gross things and no matter what I said or did, nothing ever changed the fact I've loved our child since you told me you were pregnant."

"Is this what your dreams were about? Is this why you sometimes wake up in a sweat?"

"Yeah. They're pretty horrible, but I'm hoping they won't come back now."

Cupping his face, Haley kissed him tenderly. She wished he'd opened up to her earlier but she was proud of him for working through it and for coming to this conclusion on his own. He really had grown so much in the last few months, working through his issues with Luke and learning to put the past behind him including the father who abandoned him. He was doing all of this because he wanted to be a better man for her and JJ and their new baby.

Nathan hadn't felt so free in such a long time and he reveled in the feeling of her warm tongue caressing his own as she deepened the kiss. There was something different to this kiss; something he hadn't felt from her in quite a while. Hunger. He heard a moan escape from the back of her throat and it sounded so damn sexy. She wiggled against him as though she couldn't get close enough. God… it was such a turn on and he felt himself growing hard… and he was almost shocked by it. Although he'd always been very sexual and they were a very sexual couple… they hadn't made love in months; not since before Haley's surgery and while it would be easy to attribute it all to the issues she had with her body, he knew it was partly him as well. He'd been carrying around so much guilt and feeling so much pressure with everything they had to deal with that he had found his own sex drive waning. This sudden passion between them was surprising and thoroughly exciting.

He knew the moment she felt him growing hard beneath her; her body stilled before she pulled away to look at him, her eyes an unbelievably beautiful shade of brown that he knew signified her arousal.

"I've missed you." She whispered before he captured her lips again with a groan, their tongues dueling as they struggled to fight the rising desperate need within them. This was like a reunion of their bodies, of their souls and it should be slow and reverent not hot and heavy…right?

As his hands frantically tried to touch every part of her he knew he needed to get her naked; to feel that silky smooth skin of hers that always felt so good against his own hair roughened body. Blindly, he went for the buttons on her hipster jeans, the only kind she wore these days preferring them to maternity pants and he felt her belly against the back of his fumbling hands making him suddenly realize that they'd never made love since she'd been so swollen with his child. He wasn't sure if he actually knew what to do or what the mechanics were.

Undeterred he kept going until he'd undone every button and then stood, lifting her to her feet and swiftly pushing the denim down her legs as she used her hands on his shoulders to steady herself. In practiced movements he quickly discarded her shoes and socks as he'd done many times before and ran his hand up and down her legs slowly. Kneeling at her feet he looked up at her, glowing and so wonderfully pregnant and he knew he was seeing a Goddess… his Goddess. Kissing her belly softly, he worshiped her and the child she was carrying before standing and reaching for the hem of her shirt.

"No!" she cried, biting her lip as she covered his hand to stop him. "I can't."

Letting go of the cotton of her shirt, Nathan lifted his hands to cup her face, waiting until she opened her eyes to look at him.

"Hales, please don't hide from me. I love you." When she blinked away a few tears and tried to look away he repeated it again more forcefully, "I love you. I love who you were before I met you, I love who you were and what you looked like before your surgery."

It broke his heart to see a tear escape and he knew she was ready to flee from his arms but he had to continue.

"And I love who you are now and what you look like now because none of it matters. You have my soul Haley James… and I have yours. Our bodies don't matter. When we make love it's our hearts and our souls involved… our bodies are only there to express what we feel, they aren't who we are."

Haley opened her eyes, stunned by his words and the vehemence with which he spoke them. She wanted to let him in and share herself the way she used to but something was holding her back. Seeing the way he was looking at her she believed him completely… he wouldn't be repulsed by her scars, he wouldn't care that she wasn't as beautiful as before… and in that moment she realized that her issues with being intimate again really had nothing to do with him at all – it was all about her own self-image… but even knowing that she couldn't quite get past it.

"I'm sorry. I can't." She whispered, pleading with him to understand. "I need more time. Can we just leave it on?"

He knew she didn't mean minutes or hours, but rather days, weeks or possibly months… and that was okay. He'd help her through this and having felt only minutes earlier just how much she wanted him, he knew the next step helping her realize just how much he still wanted her and how god damn sexy she still was.

"It's okay baby. You can take as much time as you need." He promised, kissing her tenderly, determined to show her just how much he loved her, how much he adored and cherished her.

It only took moments for their kisses to become heated, their tongues mating desperately as thought trying to devour each other. She moaned deeply as his fingers moved between her thighs and found her already wet and ready for him. Circling her core softly, he smiled against her mouth as she started to tremble in his arms. She clutched at his shoulders when he slipped a finger inside her heat, moving it slowly and then adding a second digit. All her doubts and insecurities seemed to disappear as she lost herself to him.

"Oh God. If you keep doing that I'm going to come."

"That is the goal." He murmured as he kissed his way along her jaw.

"No. It's been so long. I want you inside me."

The words were like an arrow to his groin and his erection twitched against her belly. Quickly he withdrew his fingers, smiling as she whimpered in disappointment - even though he was only granting her request - and then removed the rest of his clothing until he stood completely naked before her. Rather than proceed he spent long moments just drinking in the sight of her. He took in her hair, disheveled from his hands running through it, her lips swollen from his kisses, the maternity top that did little to hide her belly swollen with his child, the small thatch of hair between her thighs and those gorgeous legs that always looked deceivingly short considering how they wrapped around him so well. This was his woman and she was utter perfection. God, he had to kiss her again… and so he did.

Wrapped in each others arms in the middle of their living room, the couple devoured each other, sating a hunger that had been lying dormant for months and had finally been let loose. Only the need for air pulled them apart.

Haley sighed as they broke off their kiss and watched her fiancé looking between her and the couch with a frown. When she realized he was trying to figure out just how they were going to work this she chuckled loudly. It wasn't often Nathan Scott didn't know what to do when it came to sex… actually this would be a first in her experience.

"I think this will work best." She said using his arm to steady herself as she lowered to her knees. With a saucy smile she wiggled her naked ass at him as she rested her elbows on the sofa.

Nathan groaned at the sight; his dick becoming almost unbearably hard. "God, you're killing me baby."

Kneeling behind her, Nathan ran his hands down her spine, then moved them to her front, up and under the shirt to stroke her belly, never wandering any higher. He knew she wouldn't be comfortable.

"Please Nathan. Now."

Leaning forward he placed a trail of kisses down her spine before he entered her slowly, savoring the feel of sinking into her heat inch by heavenly inch. It was like coming home.

Haley couldn't believe they'd gone so long without making love. This was heaven and to deprive themselves of it was insanity. Within minutes of him moving slowly, yet deeply within her she felt her orgasm building, her breath coming out in pants and suddenly she flew over the edge, white heat running through her veins as a moan slipped past her lips and her eyes rolled back at the intensity of her climax.

Feeling her walls spasm around him, Nathan knew he couldn't hold on any longer and the tingle at the base of his spine grew more insistent and he groaned loudly, spilling himself within her.

"Can we do that again?" she laughed, catching her breath.

"Oh we can definitely do that again… I just need some time to recover. A week should do it." He joked, standing and lifting her into his arms so he could settle them both comfortably on the sofa; the two of them lying together, her back to his front.

"Let's sleep for a while to recharge our batteries." Haley yawned, feeling completely sated.

"Sounds good to me baby." Nathan responded, pulling the throw rug off the back of the sofa and covering their mostly naked bodies. He looked down at this woman who could lay claim to every part of him and smiled as he realized she'd already drifted off. He looked forward to joining her; for the first time in months he was not at all afraid to sleep. He knew he still had issues to work through but he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Pulling his fiancé closer back against him he closed his eyes and nuzzled her shoulder, knowing that for the first time in months he'd have a peaceful sleep.


	24. Healing Wounds

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _I apologise for the long delay in updating this story and would like to thank everyone who reviewed the last update and those who contacted me to make sure I was still continuing. This story will definitely be completed because it means too much to me to just let it go. I really appreciate your support. Thanks to **Di** (paradiseblue) for taking the time to beta this at such short notice and to **Dawn** (BabbleBaby) and **Molly** (diamondmolls) for your feedback.  
_

_This update is dedicated to **Kris** (OTH.daddy'sgurl.06) for her 21st birthday. I hope you have a fabulous day because you deserve it! You really do inspire me with this story and I appreciate your enthusiasm and encouragement. I doubt I'd be this far along without you. _

* * *

Luke smiled as he watched Haley leaning against the porch railing, staring out into the yard with a thoughtful smile on her face. She'd left the rest of the adults a few minutes earlier for yet another bathroom break and had been sidetracked on her way back when she'd stopped to help her son with something. JJ and Jenny were chatting away noisily at a small table nearby, cutting and pasting and coloring, no longer needing assistance, but wanting Haley close by in case they decided they did need her. He had no idea what they were making, but it looked as if they were working on some kind of craft project.

"Hey little Sis."

Pulled out of her daydream, Haley smiled back at Luke and rolled her eyes. "Not yet, I'm not."

Throwing his arm around her shoulders, Lucas pulled her into a side hug and tousled her hair. "And why is that? My brother would marry you this afternoon if he could organize it." He joked, knowing just how eager Nathan was to make Haley his wife.

She chuckled softly, thinking of Nathan's subtle hints over the past few months and especially the last week as they'd been acting like a couple of horny teenagers. She'd told him she wanted to wait until after everything was settled, when the baby was born and she'd finished her chemo. He'd accepted her wishes of course; he always did because that was the kind of loving man he was, but she knew if he had it his way, they'd have married months ago. Thinking of him, she turned her head towards the outdoor setting where her fiancé, Jake, Brooke, Karen and Larry were all sitting around talking.

He looked up a moment later, sensing her gaze as he always did and gave her a soft smile. He'd been quiet most of the day, but it was understandable and she was just glad that her idea to have a barbeque with their friends seemed to have helped take his mind off things.

"Well, maybe not today." She replied softly, to Luke, never taking her eyes off Nathan who had been drawn back into the conversation.

"Yeah." He responded with a sigh. It was the tenth anniversary of Deb Lee's death. Luke had never witnessed it for himself, but since their reconciliation Nathan had confided in him just how badly he had handled this day every year. It seemed that the changes in Nathan's life and his new family were helping him deal with his grief much better than he ever had. "He really appreciates this, you know."

"I wish there was more I could do. He's been through so much and has felt alone for so long now. I wish I could take his pain away."

"You do, Hales. Nathan has never been happier than when he's with you. You and JJ mean everything to him, and letting him be a part of your family and giving him a child of his own means more than I think you know. It makes days like today easier for him." Luke promised, his eyes conveying just how strongly he believed his words.

Haley knew how hard the past ten years had been on Luke, being estranged from Nathan, and in his way he was thanking her for helping making Nathan so happy again. She could also see just how much progress the two brothers had made over the past few months. Nathan had gotten the fright of his life when he'd thought Luke was killed in that car accident and even though she wished it hadn't taken such extreme circumstances, she was glad that it had brought them together.

"It meant a lot to him, Luke; finding out that you were at Deb's funeral. Even though he had no idea until recently, it really means a lot."

It was obvious that he was surprised and touched by her comment, not realising how much it did mean to Nathan, but in typical male fashion, he brushed over any icky emotional stuff that involving himself and simply replied. "I'm glad."

"You two are so important to each other and I'm glad that you've started working things out. I think having you back in his life, and being someone he can turn to has really helped Nathan to deal with a lot of things and to cope with our situation better than if the two of you were still at odds. He loves you, Luke. You and Karen are the only links he has to his past and to his mother. He needs both of you."

He looked at her for a moment before shaking his head and smiling, "I never realized until this moment just how much you remind me of Deb. It's your strength. Deb had that strength and fierce determination to make sure the people she loved were happy. She also had a way with Nathan that no one else had. No one else could get through to him like she could… except for you. You get him and he responds to you. I wish you could have met her. You'd have gotten along like a house on fire."

"You miss her, don't you?" Haley asked softly, realising she'd never stopped to think about the impact of Deb's death on anyone but Nathan.

"Yeah, I do. She was like a second mother to me. I'm glad Nathan asked me to go with you to the cemetery this morning."

"I think it meant a lot to him to have you there; to have all of us there. He's felt so alone for a long time now and I think today it really hit home that he's not alone anymore."

_Nathan smiled as Haley took hold of his hand, her thumb brushing across his soothing him instantly. They both watched Lucas and JJ walking back to the car, their son turning back to wave and he sighed with relief once they'd driven out of view._

"_Are you sure he's going to be okay? I don't want this to upset him."_

_Stepping in front of her fiancé, she leaned up and kissed him softly. "I'm sure, babe. He wanted to come. He knows how important this is to you and even though he never met Deb, he considers her family now just like I do."_

"_Okay." He breathed out, taking his fiancé's small hand again between his own much larger ones. "Would you mind… would it be alright if I just have a couple of minutes?"_

"_Of course. I can just go back to the car and wait for you…"_

"_Actually... I kind of want to talk to you about some things. Do you maybe want to sit in the gazebo over there? I'll just be a few minutes."_

"_I'll be waiting." She promised before he kissed her sweetly. _

_Nathan watched her make her way over to the gazebo, never taking his eyes off her in case she needed him. He knew it sometimes drove her crazy, but he hated leaving her alone when she was this close to her due date._

_Turning back to his mother's grave, Nathan took a deep breath. "So that's my family, mom. I've done a lot of stupid things over the years and a lot of things you wouldn't be proud of… but I've changed. I've become a better person, the kind of man you always wanted me to be and it's because of Haley. She and JJ are my world now, mom. I wish you were here to meet them. I just know you'd love them."_

"_JJ is the brightest little boy and even though he tries to act tough sometimes, he's such a softy. I really love him. He's my son now and I couldn't love him more if he was my own flesh and blood." Nathan smiled as he looked at the bunch of handpicked little yellow flowers with the rubber band tied around them. JJ had insisted on bringing his 'Grandma Deb' some flowers. _

"_And then there's Haley. I really don't know where to start or how to describe what she means to me. I love her, mom. She's the one. I never actually believed in true love growing up, but I do now. I know you loved Dan, but then I saw how what he did to you and to Karen hurt you both so badly and I guess I just figured that love always had to be one-sided… but it's not. I know Haley feels the same way. Sometimes I still can't believe that someone as amazing as her, loves me so much, but she does and I'm not going to tempt fate by asking questions." He chuckled, jamming his hands into the pockets of his jacket._

"_I know I sound like an idiot right now, but I don't know… it feels like it's important to tell you these things. I want you to know all the great things happening in my life even though you can't be here. I guess the most exciting news at the moment is that Haley's pregnant. We're having a baby. I'm so excited and terrified and just feeling really out of my depth but I can't wait. And before you think I'm following in Dan's footsteps in any way… I've already asked her to marry me. I always said I was never going to get married, but I can't think of anything better than having Haley walking down the aisle towards me in a white dress, promising to love me forever. Oh… she said yes, just in case you were wondering. She's being stubborn though and won't marry me until… well there are a few reasons she wants to wait." _

_His voice cracked as his emotions started to get the better of him. He'd been determined to hold himself together today, but thinking about what Haley was going through and knowing that the same disease killed his mother and was the reason for him standing at her grave ten years on… well it was too much to keep everything bottled inside. With tears streaming down his face he let it all out. Explained everything that had happened and what he and Haley were dealing with and how scared he was of losing her or the baby. When the words finally stopped, he sucked in a breath of air and was surprised to find himself feeling relieved, as though the burden he'd been carrying on his own all this time had finally been shared and become a little lighter._

_Realising that he'd been standing there a lot longer than he'd planned, Nathan glanced at the gazebo where he found Haley waiting for him patiently. He knew she wouldn't mind, but he wanted to be with her, hearing her soft, soothing voice, her gentle touch comforting him. There were so many things he wanted to tell her. He already planned to talk about his mother and how her death affected him – all the things he knew she'd wanted him to open up about since the beginning of their relationship – but now, he felt this need to let her know exactly how he felt about her and their life together. He needed to tell her everything he'd just told his mother. Nathan knew he'd never been the best at expressing his feelings, but it was so important to him that Haley understood him and her place in his heart. _

"You're looking a little lost in thought there." Luke teased softly, brushing a lock of hair out of her face.

"Yeah. It's been a big day." She replied, breaking her gaze with Nathan who was watching her again with a smile. She'd been thinking about their visit to the cemetery and the talk they'd had when Nathan had looked up at her knowingly. He was sharing the same memories. She was still amazed and so very thankful to him for the step he took in opening up to her. They had a great relationship, but she knew the one area they had struggled with lately was communication. Nathan wasn't the kind of man to just express his feelings so for him to sit there and open up his heart and soul to her made her heart sing. They'd both cried, and laughed, and cried and finally held each other and it was like she could actually feel his heart mending. It was still a sad day, a very sad day, but Nathan was learning to celebrate his mother's life rather than just mourn her death and to look forward to the future rather than worry about 'what might be'. Nathan had really stepped up today and now she had to figure out if she had the courage to follow his lead.

* * *

Haley looked in the mirror one last time and took a deep breath to settle her nerves. She could do this. It was going to be difficult but she'd do it for him. Pulling the robe across her naked body she tied the sash and left the bathroom… a place that had been her private sanctuary and her private hell for months now. Well she wouldn't hide herself anymore. She was going to open up to Nathan and let him in, the way he'd done for her.

When she exited the en suite she found him sitting in their bed rested against fluffed up pillows, his dark head bent as he tinkered with the watch JJ had asked him to fix a few days earlier. The intense look of concentration on his face made him appear so childlike, as did the way the tip of his tongue poked out the corner of his mouth. It was the same look of concentration JJ would get when he really had his mind set on a task and in that moment she marveled at how easily he could pass as the father of her son. Oh, how she wished he was… but even if they didn't share the same DNA, they shared a connection and a bond that was stronger than that of most fathers and sons.

"Having fun?" she asked with an amused smile as he dropped the watch onto the bedside table with a huff, obviously having been unable to fix it.

His look of frustration quickly disappeared and was replaced with a mixture of surprise and appreciation. After allowing his gaze to run over her slowly, he met her eyes with a questioning glance. Nathan had bought her the sexy black and pink satin robe not long after she found out she was pregnant, eager to see her wearing it when her belly grew too big for her regular robe… but she'd never worn it. After her surgery, she'd protected herself and her vulnerabilities by wearing shapeless t-shirts and jumpers which would hide her body from him.

Even over the past week when they'd been so hot for each other; sharing smoldering glances when they couldn't be alone, and making love when they could, she'd still been hiding herself from him. He hadn't pushed her. He respected her insecurities even though he'd tried his damnedest to help her overcome them; showing her in every way possible how sexy she was and how much she turned him on. She felt herself changing every time they were together, growing a little more comfortable and a little more confident, but there'd still been this barrier she couldn't quite overcome.

Today when Nathan had opened himself up to her so completely, being emotionally vulnerable to her in every way, she'd known that this was a huge part of what love is - loving someone enough to trust them with your heart… and your hurt. She hadn't put enough faith and trust in Nathan that he'd be able to love her in the same way now that she looked so different. Deep down she'd known he wouldn't feel any differently about her, but her own insecurities and difficulties dealing with the change in her appearance – and the feeling of loss – had clouded her judgment and allowed doubt to seep into their relationship.

"Do you like it?" she asked with a smirk, already knowing the answer. She could practically feel the heat radiating off him as she stood beside the bed.

The sight of her walking towards him in the robe he'd bought her had taken his breath away. She was so damn beautiful and after the jolt of lust that had set his body aflame settled down, it had finally sunk in how odd this situation was. He was used to her fleecy pajama bottoms and bulky tops at night, and even though they'd begun making love again this week, her bra and t-shirts always stayed on, so seeing her in such skimpy, sexy attire was quite a shock. A welcome shock, but a shock all the same.

"Yes." He croaked out, his eyes taking longer to roam over her body this time, obviously no longer worried that his gaze might embarrass her. She hoped that as of tonight he'd no longer be hesitant about admiring her. "Fuck, you look sexy as sin, Hales."

His comment made her cheeks flush as pride swelled within her. The way his boxers were tenting showed that his body was most definitely turned on and his words weren't just to make her feel better. Now would come the final step. It was time for her to remove the robe, to show him what she looked like now. Untying the sash she let the material drop from one shoulder and then the next, before gathering her courage and uncrossing her arms, allowing the robe to fall to the floor leaving her completely naked before him.

She watched him closely, unable to stop herself from looking for any sign of disgust or repulsion, but all she saw were his sparkling blue eyes darkening with desire, his chest heaving as his breath quickened and his jaw clenching, a sure sign he was struggling for control. Haley felt empowerment wash over her in waves. For the first time in months - since a surgeon's blade had removed a very part of her which she felt made her a woman - Haley felt like more of a woman than ever before.

"C'mere sexy." He held out his hand and guided her to kneel on the bed, helping her straddle his hips. She often complained about moving like a geriatric hippopotamus, but he thought she looked amazing no matter what she was doing. He often wondered if other fathers-to-be felt such an overpowering rush of love and lust when they looked at their pregnant partners, growing large with their child. Every time he thought of a little part of the two of them forming inside of her he felt more complete as a person than ever before in his life.

She giggled when her leg brushed over his erection and he groaned loudly. This feeling of being so completely sexy and in control was a real rush.

"Oh, sorry. I guess I'd better not do this then, right?." She teased, scooting forward slightly and pressing down on him, feeling him pulse beneath the satin material of his boxer shorts as her belly rested against his own hard flat stomach.

Not knowing how he managed it, Haley giggled in surprise as Nathan lifted her from his lap and laid her back down on bedspread with her head at the foot of their bed. He kneeled by her side, smirking down at her before capturing her lips in a heated kiss. Her hands automatically reached out to touch him, wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer. She'd prefer him on top of her, having always loved the feel of his weight pushing her into the mattress but at this stage of pregnancy it just wasn't possible.

Their tongues teased and caressed as the kiss went on and on, the couple savoring the moment. They pulled apart for air briefly before Nathan's lips kissed their way along her jaw to the sensitive spot beneath her air that always had her mewling with pleasure, and then continued down her throat. She loved it when he did this, kissing and nipping and licking at her skin like he wanted to taste every part of her. Her hands ran up and down his arms, caressing his shoulders and the muscular back she loved so much.

He lost himself in the feel of her soft skin beneath his lips and her soft hands on his body. There was nothing better than making love to this woman and it was like the world disappeared when they were together… although he knew reality was seeping in when she stiffened slightly as his kisses moved lower. For a moment he felt panic, not knowing what to do. He had never been good at comforting or reassuring people and he had no clue how to prove to his fiancé that she was still the sexiest woman alive, but he knew he had to make a decision – and fast. Following his gut instinct, he kept going, never missing a beat as he kissed further down her chest. The first touch of his lips to the slightly puckered skin along her scar was light as his worry about hurting her battled against a need to cover every part of her healed flesh with kisses of love and desire.

He looked up at her then and found her eyes shining with unshed tears and her lips offering a soft smile of encouragement. He inwardly sighed, knowing he'd done the right thing. Reaching for both of her hands, he intertwined their fingers, needing that strong connection, to show her they were one in this, before lowering his head and continuing to run his mouth down her body.

Haley had never felt more cherished in her life and it was like a cloud had lifted, leaving her basking in the light and warmth of her fiance's love and desire for her. God, she felt so damn sexy, her body humming with pleasure and feeling the heat of desire radiating off Nathan's body beside her. She squeezed her thighs together, needing some sort of relief from the pleasurable sensations coursing through her.

Sensing the urgency growing within her, Nathan took charge, unwilling to let either of them suffer any longer. The need they both felt was taking them over and as they came together frantically, Haley knew without a doubt that the physical changes she'd had so much trouble coming to grips with didn't bother her fiancé in the least. God, his hunger for her was even more insatiable than ever – something she previously wouldn't have believed possible. Suddenly, she shattered as her orgasm hit and all conscious thought disappeared.

Nathan struggled to remain standing, his legs feeling like rubber after his intense climax. He looked down at Haley lying before him, her legs no longer wrapped around him but hanging limply over the edge of the bed. Her hair was fanned out on the bedspread, her eyes were closed as she captured her breath with a sated smile on her lips. Damn, he was one lucky guy. He glanced at the closed door quickly, realizing they'd been a lot louder than usual, but JJ usually slept like the dead so they shouldn't have to worry about waking him.

"God, I don't think I can move." Haley sighed, her eyes still closed as she held onto the buzz still radiating through her body. She felt and heard Nathan throw back the covers before his hands were upon her. She opened her eyes as he lifted her from the mattress and laid her down in the middle of the bed before sliding in beside her. Rolling slightly so that her belly rested against him, she let her head fall and rest on his shoulder.

"Mmm… this is nice." She whispered. It had been a long time since they'd snuggled up together like this completely naked. She'd forgotten how good it felt to lie there skin to skin. It was so… comforting.

"It sure is."

"Nathan?"

"Yeah, baby?" Nathan responded, placing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sorry it took so long for this… I mean, for me to open up to you again; to be naked with you again."

Nathan placed a finger beneath her chin, lifting her face so that she was looking into his eyes. "You don't have to apologize, Hales. I knew you'd do it when you were ready."

"You shared something very special with me today." She said, referring to their cemetery visit and their long discussion. "I know it was difficult and I know it hurt… but you were brave. You showed me how much you love me and trust me… and I just wanted to do the same. I guess before today I didn't have enough faith in you, or myself, to believe that you'd still want me in the same way after you saw me like this for the first time."

He groaned and shook his head sending her a mock look of frustration. "Of course I still want you. You – Haley James soon-to-be-Scott – are the sexiest woman on earth and I want you every time I see you. God, I don't even have to see you. I just have to think of you sometimes. It can be quite awkward if I let my mind wander at work." He added with a rueful chuckle.

Feeling a strong kick, Haley muttered teasingly. "Damn. You woke up the baby."

Nathan's eyes lit up, feeling the baby kicking against his side. His hand immediately fell to her stomach as the baby kicked again.

"Not long now."

"I know. I just can't wait, Nathan." She said with genuine excitement. They'd both spent so much time worrying about the baby and her health and her chemo treatments after the birth that sometimes they'd forget to just be excited about the simple things like other parents. The past week they'd put the finishing touches on the nursery and discussed name options, making sure they were ready for if the baby decided to make it's entrance into the world a little early.

"Today has gotten me thinking."

"Always dangerous." He murmured with a smirk.

Haley smacked him playfully before laying her hand over the top of his. "I'd really like to name our baby after your mother in some way."

Nathan was completely taken aback by the comment. He hadn't been expecting that suggestion at all and it brought a lump to his throat. Considering Haley was one of the most thoughtful, caring people on the planet he knew he shouldn't be surprised by it, but he was.

"I'd really like that, Hales. It means a lot to me… and it would to mom too. She'd adore you, you know."

Haley smiled, knowing that she'd have loved his mother too. "I wish I could have met her. She is the reason I have you, after all, so I'd definitely have to thank her for that."

"It seems the little one's stopped squirming and gone to sleep." Nathan commented, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Maybe we should do the same."

Haley nodded with a yawn. "You wore me out, Scott."

"Well I'm feeling pretty wrecked myself. You do crazy things to me, Haley James." He said softly, placing a tender kiss on her lips. As he heard her breath evening out shortly after, he smiled against her hair and murmured. "Sweet dreams, baby. I love you."


	25. Goodbye and Hello

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews and continued support from everyone reading this story. Thanks to **Diane** (paradiseblue) for taking the time to beta this at such short notice again and to **Kris**, **Dawn** and **Molly** for your feedback.  
_

* * *

"Alright, alright. I'm coming." Haley muttered under her breath as she very slowly made her way down the stairs to answer the front door. JJ was in the backyard shooting hoops and she knew he wouldn't have heard the door from out there and Nathan wasn't back from his team's afternoon practice session. She'd been going over the nursery again, making sure they had everything they needed when the baby came along in a couple of weeks. Nathan kept teasing her about her compulsion to do this task every day or so, telling her that nothing would have changed since the last time she checked, but she couldn't help herself. She knew it was part of the nesting phase of her pregnancy and it helped her feel like she had some sort of control over things. And it had worked. She remembered feeling terrified at this stage of pregnancy with Josh, but this time there was a calm within her that she hadn't expected, especially considering the struggle she'd have with chemo after giving birth. But this time around she had Nathan and that made all the difference. Smiling to herself as she opened the door, she knew she could get through it all.

Haley gasped as she found Mitchell standing on the other side of the door watching her with an anxious smile. "Hi, Hales."

"It's Haley." She growled, remembering she'd had to pull him up on that during the last conversation they'd had when he'd called asking to see JJ. This man had no right to use that endearment with her. He lost that privilege the day he walked out on her and their son. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry, I know you don't want to see me but I need to talk to you."

"What on earth could we possibly have to discuss? We've been divorced for years, Mitchell, which means we no longer have any ties… and the fact that you signed your parental rights away means that JJ isn't a link between us either. There is no reason for you to show up on my doorstep after all this time!"

"I know." He responded, hanging his head, his voice filled with remorse. Looking back up at the woman he'd loved so much as a boy, he was hit with that feeling of overwhelming guilt that overcame him whenever he thought about how he'd abandoned and betrayed her. "Please, Haley. I… I just need a couple of minutes of your time."

For a while after he'd left, Haley had been so hurt by his actions, felt so rejected and unworthy of his love because surely the man who had been her best friend nearly her whole life, her boyfriend and then her husband wouldn't just up and leave her for no good reason. Surely it must be something she'd done, or didn't do… or just some fundamental problem with her that couldn't be overlooked. Once she'd realized that it was not her fault, her feelings of self doubt turned to a seething anger which she always knew was unhealthy, but couldn't stop anyway. As angry as she'd been with her ex for all those years, Haley realized that her feelings had diminished to disappointment in the person who she'd once trusted with her whole world. How could she hold on to that anger, when in the end his leaving her had brought her here to Tree Hill and to Nathan? No, she couldn't be angry anymore. Her life was too good to hold on to that sort of toxic emotion. At the knowledge that she had finally released her issues with the man and let go of all the negative energy that came with it, Haley felt a sense of closure she hadn't dreamed possible.

Looking at him now she felt nothing but pity for the man. He'd made a lot of shitty decisions where she and JJ were concerned, but thinking back on the boy he was growing up, she knew deep down that he was a good person and living with the guilt of what he'd done was probably eating him alive. She could see by the pain in his eyes that this was difficult for him and decided that she could give him a couple of minutes. Closing the door behind her so that JJ wouldn't see them if he came inside the house, Haley stood with her arms crossed over her extremely large belly. "Okay, Mitchell. What do you want?"

"Thank you." He offered a hesitant smile before taking a deep breath. "I told them everything, Haley. I'm so ashamed of everything that happened, of everything I did and how I let you take the blame with our families. I still can't believe I was so selfish and reckless and that I hurt you that way. After seeing you at Taylor's wedding I knew I had to face up to my actions and come clean."

Haley struggled to keep her jaw from dropping at the news. She'd never expected that Mitchell would have the courage or the integrity to confess to his parents that he'd left her as opposed to her asking him to leave. It was obvious to her now that even after they'd married he had still not become a man. He'd been so determined to please his parents like a good little boy that he'd eagerly lied to them all those years ago so that he'd still be perfect in their eyes. Although she was relieved to know that the truth had finally come out, it didn't in any way make up for the fact that he did abandon her when she needed him the most or the fact that he'd wanted nothing to do with his own son.

"I'm glad you decided to put an end to the lies, Mitchell, but you didn't need to come here to tell me that. A letter would have sufficed."

He swallowed nervously and nodded his head. "Yeah, well… an apology just isn't the same if it's not in person… and I am sorry, Haley, for everything. We've both moved on with our lives. You've got Nathan now… and Joshua, of course."

"And I've got Darla and Caleb. I'm sorry you had to meet them like that at the wedding. I wanted to speak to you first and then introduce you… but it didn't work out that way. I'm sorry if it hurt you."

Haley sighed and shook her head. "It did hurt, Mitchell… but not for the reasons you probably think. I stopped loving you a long time ago so it wasn't jealousy or hurt pride I was feeling. My heart broke for my son… the son you walked away from. Do you have any idea how hard it was to see you with your new wife and baby; so devoted to them, when you couldn't stand to stay with me and JJ? That is why it hurt. My son grew up without a father and I always thought it was because you just realized you never wanted the whole family thing… but then to see you playing happy families with someone else… well, yeah, it hurt."

"God, Haley, if I could go back and handle things differently, I would. I loved you, I really did but I wasn't ready for marriage and a family." Looking up at her, Haley could see the truth in his eyes.

"I think we kind of fell into it, Haley." He whispered.

"Fell into what?" she asked, leaning against the door and wondering if this was real or if she and her ex-husband were actually discussing what when wrong in their relationship.

"Our life. Our marriage. Everything. Please know that I really did love you with everything I had, Haley, but in the many, many times I've thought about what happened, I can't help but wonder if we got married for the wrong reasons. Were we just doing what was expected of us? Nobody really talked about it, but I know our parents just expected that with us being high school sweethearts we would tie the knot and live happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence, two kids and a dog. We never really talked about it all. Never talked about what we wanted or needed… it was all just laid out for us."

Hearing his words, Haley felt the truth resonate through them. He was right. They had loved each other deeply, an affection that had grown throughout their childhood and adolescent years, but thinking back on their relationship it felt like it had been on autopilot.

"None of that excuses what I did and how I treated you, Haley, but as much as I hate how much I hurt you back then… I know that we weren't meant to be together. I saw the way you and Nathan looked at each other at the wedding. We never shared that. It's what I have now with Darla. We're with the people we were supposed to be with now. I really believe that."

Haley nodded her head. "I know that. My love for Nathan is deeper than I could ever have imagined… and if you've found that love with Darla, then I'm happy for you, Mitchell. Everyone deserves to find their true love."

Shifting on his feet, Mitch glanced across at his ex-wife and took a deep breath. "Haley. I know you already said no to this, but I have to ask again. It means so much to me… is there any chance I can see Joshua?"

Fighting back the sense of panic that washed over her; fear that her already unstable world could be disrupted even further, Haley stood straight, gathering her strength. "He's not your son anymore, Mitchell. I know you feel badly about it now, but the fact is that you signed a legal document which removed you from JJ's life forever. You're not his father and I don't think that bringing you into his life is going to do anything but harm him. There's a lot happening for all of us right now and he doesn't need more confusion."

"Okay." He whispered, and Haley could see him fighting back tears. "The last thing I want to do is hurt him. It's just that since Caleb came along I've realized what I gave up and I couldn't go through life knowing that I hadn't tried to at least meet him. Just once."

"Hey, mom! When's dad coming home? Mom? Mom, where are you?" JJ's call could be heard coming from inside the house. Only moments later the front door opened and the young boy stepped out to see his mother talking to a strange man.

"Hi." He said warily, eying the man who seemed to be making his mother a little uncomfortable.

"Hi." Mitchell responded, almost choking on the word.

The three of them stood in silence for what seemed like eternity. Haley watched them eyeing each other carefully and couldn't help noticing the small similarities. Now that they were together, she knew her extremely bright son wouldn't miss how much he looked like this other man. She could see the boy's mind working, putting all the pieces together and she wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all.

When JJ turned to her she knew by looking into his eyes that he had figured it all out. He knew that this stranger was actually his father and she dreaded the question she was sure was about to be asked. "Mom. When's Dad coming home? He's gonna help me with my jump shot tonight."

Shocked that her son had decided to ignore Mitchell and all the questions he must have, Haley wrapped a protective arm around him and smiled. "He should be home any minute, sweetheart."

Turning back to Mitchell, JJ stood tall and said firmly. "Nathan's my Daddy now… and he's the best dad in the world. I don't need anyone else."

Haley watched Mitchell visibly flinch at the rejection before her son walked back into the house and closed the door behind him; a firm signal that he wanted nothing more to do with Mitchell.

"Well, I guess that's my answer then." He gave a humorless chuckle. The sheen of tears in his eyes had Haley feeling a little sorry for him, but concern for her son couldn't allow her to do anything about it. Looking back at her ex-husband and seeing the defeat in his eyes, she knew he wouldn't be contacting her again. It would be completely up to JJ now if he ever wanted any contact with this man.

"Goodbye, Mitchell."

"Goodbye, Haley. Take care… of all of you." he said with a sad smile as he looked at the door which his son had just disappeared through.

Haley watched her ex-husband drive away and felt a sense of relief flood through her. That was one complication her family didn't need right now and that awkward meeting of father and son had gone better than she could have imagined. She just hoped that JJ would be okay. She and Nathan would have to talk with him about how he felt about Mitchell showing up today but she honestly believed that he meant what he said about having Nathan and not needing anyone else. She had seen the way that Nathan's love for her son had slowly removed any feelings of self doubt the boy may have had from Mitchell's abandonment, but she would make sure she kept an eye him just in case.

"Hey."

Haley jumped at the unexpected sound of her fiancé's voice. She hadn't seen him arrive and a quick glance at the driveway showed no sign of his car.

"Nathan." She said breathlessly, feeling like she'd never been happier to see him than in that moment. Facing Mitchell and her past may have been a relief, but having Nathan here with her now was extremely comforting. Moving quickly into his arms, she felt him hold her tightly, knowing instinctively that she needed it.

"Are you okay?" he asked, kissing her hair.

"Mitchell was just here." She uttered miserably.

"I know. I kind of overheard."

"You did?" she asked, looking up into his eyes with concern. She didn't want him thinking that she'd been speaking with Mitchell without telling him. He was JJ's father now and anything concerning their son needed to be discussed together. "I didn't hear you come home."

"I borrowed one of the school's trailers to bring home one of the backboards they replaced this week so I used the back gate to get it into the backyard instead of parking in the driveway."

"I'm sorry you had to get such a surprise; finding Mitchell here with us."

"I have to admit I thought I was going to throw up when I first heard Mitchell and then saw him here with you and JJ."

"Oh, baby. I'm sorry. I had no idea he'd just show up like that."

"I know and it's not your fault. As much as I hate the guy and what he did to you, it was worth that moment of panic seeing him here with you just to hear JJ tell him that I'm his father now. I know that's immature and selfish… but damn it felt good, Hales."

When he'd heard those words from the little boy the intense urge he'd had to be possessive and kick the other man off the property had subsided. His heart swelled with love for this family he was now a part of. It was then he decided to stand back and let them deal with their past. He was secure enough in his new family that he knew he didn't have to worry. There was no need to be jealous.

"It felt good for me too." She whispered before kissing him softly.

"Dad! You're home!" JJ cried excitedly as he opened the door to find his parents kissing. "Is that new backboard for me? Do we get to keep it?"

The two adults pulled apart, laughing at JJ's eager questioning. It was great to see that he wasn't upset by what had just happened.

"Of course it's for you, and yes, you get to keep it."

"Awesome! Just wait until I tell Jenny! Can I call her, Mom? Please?"

"Sure, honey. Go ahead."

JJ raced back through the house leaving his parents to chuckle at his antics. Haley's laughter broke off with a groan of discomfort and she began rubbing her lower back.

"What's wrong?" Nathan asked with concern, his arm quickly wrapping around to support her.

"Ugh. Just another little contraction." She replied casually as she waddled back into the house.

Everything within him froze for a moment, his heart stopped, he couldn't take a breath and he stared at her back as she wandered into their home as if she didn't have a worry in the world. Everything he'd learned over the last six months about what could possibly go wrong with the pregnancy and the birth came flashing into his mind. With everything they'd been going through he couldn't bear it if something happened to their baby.

"Contraction! Jesus, Hales. It's too early. You're not due for two weeks. Should I call the hospital? An ambulance? Um… shit, where did we put your hospital bag? Where are my keys? Oh crap, I need to take the trailer off the car! No, I'll just drive yours."

Haley bit her lip to stop from laughing at her fiancé's panicked rambling. It was touching that he was so concerned but his panic was completely unnecessary. Placing a hand on his arm, she squeezed it gently. "Nathan. Calm down."

"Calm down? Hales, you're having contractions. You're having a baby. We need to get you to the hospital."

"Believe it or not, I do have a little experience when it comes to giving birth, Nathan." She replied wryly. "And I do not need to go to the hospital. I've only had a few contractions because they're still about four hours apart. We've got a long wait ahead before my water breaks… and then we can worry about getting there."

Taking a few calming, deep breaths, Nathan eyed her warily. His heart was still pounding and he could swear he tasted his own fear. If anything happened to either one of them… "Are you sure?"

Stepping closer, Haley wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a heated kiss. Seeing that her plan to distract him from his panic had worked, she stroked his face. "Yes, I'm absolutely sure. Why don't you go out and set up the backboard for JJ while I fix dinner."

"No way! You are not to lift a single finger until our baby is born." Nathan instructed with determination before lifting her into his arms and carrying her out the back door to the swing seat on the back porch. Placing her long ways on the seat with her feet up and cushions at her back so she was close by enough to talk - and to keep an eye on - Nathan picked up one of her books from the small table next to the swing and pecked her lips sweetly.

"Hmm… this is nice and comfortable." She sighed, wiggling back against the soft cushions.

Her relaxed attitude and teasing had calmed him considerably. Nathan stole one more kiss from her before kneeling down beside her and talking to their child. "And you don't have to be in a rush, little baby. Just take your time… Daddy's freaking out here and needs a little longer to chill out."

Haley shook her head with an amused smile, glad to see some of his humor returning. "Daddy's going to be just fine." She whispered, stroking his hair softly. "He's going to be amazing."

Capturing her hand, he turned it over, placing a soft kiss on her palm before getting to his feet. "Now you stay here and relax… and that's an order."

Giggling, Haley shooed him away with a mock salute and a stern "Yes, sir."

~*~

"Nathan." Haley whispered as she prodded him with her elbow again. "Baby, wake up."

Well, she'd gotten her wish – he was finally fast asleep. Nathan had spent all evening stressing out about her and the baby and wondering why her contractions weren't progressing. He'd watched her like a hawk and even had JJ giving him reports when he had to leave the room. He'd called her doctor twice to make sure they didn't think she should go to the hospital before he'd finally given in and accepted she wasn't going to give birth at any moment.

The only way she'd managed to distract him was to wait until JJ went to bed before initiating some lovemaking. She held in a giggle at his look of surprise when she'd practically pushed him up the stairs and into their bedroom before ripping his clothes off. She'd known Nathan would be hesitant, but she'd simply reminded him of all of his jokes about how great it was that the books recommended sex as a way to bring forward labor. She'd never have believed that sex this close to giving birth – between three hourly contractions – could be so amazing, often wondering if men made it up to get laid, but she'd been shocked by how great it was. No wonder Nathan was sleeping so deeply now. If it weren't for the strong pains she'd been getting for the past half hour as she lay spooned with her back against his chest as he slept, she'd probably be in an orgasm induced coma herself.

Feeling him nuzzle her neck and murmur contentedly she wished she didn't have to wake him, but she knew it was time.

"Nathan!" she said louder this time, giving him a harder jab.

"Wha… what?"

"It's time to go, honey."

"Go?" he asked rubbing his eyes as he slowly became more alert before he jolted upright and leaned over her. "Are you okay?"

Reaching up, she stroked his cheek and gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm fine. We're both fine, but I think we need to go to the hospital soon."

Nathan gulped, feeling panic rise within him before he looked into her big brown eyes that were filled with such love and excitement and suddenly he wasn't scared anymore. Well… not quite so much. He was excited. Haley was about to have their baby and he couldn't wait.

"Okay. You get changed and I'll get your bag, wake up JJ and start the car." He wasn't sure how he managed to sound so calm, but it seemed to please her so he decided that was the best thing for both of them. He didn't want to worry JJ either.

Within the hour Karen, Luke and Jimmy were waiting with JJ after the nurses took Haley and Nathan into the birthing suite. JJ thought with all the excitement of driving to the hospital that it would all be over within a few minutes, but to his dismay there was still no sign of his little baby brother or sister. What a letdown.

When another muffled scream was heard from down the hall, JJ turned to his grandfather with a worried expression.

"Grandpa Jimmy?"

"Yeah, buddy."

"Is it going to hurt Mommy really bad when she has the baby?"

Jimmy inwardly winced, thinking about just how much it was going hurt but he just smiled at his grandson and replied "It's going to hurt a little bit, but your Mom's been through it all before with you, remember. She's an expert now."

"I'm bored. Can I go in there with Dad and watch? I wanna see the baby straight away."

Lucas and Karen who were listening in both chuckled at the question, knowing he had no idea what it was going to be like in there. Jimmy shook his head. "Sorry, buddy, you'll have to wait. They only allow adults in there but usually the family gets to see the baby pretty quickly."

"Okay." He sighed dejectedly. Sometimes it really sucked being just a kid.

~*~

"The baby's crowning now, Haley, so we need you to push for the head to come through. Take a deep breath and then push."

Haley knew she'd been through this before, but somehow she'd forgotten just how damn exhausting the process was. It felt like every muscle in her body was tensed and she couldn't relax. Even if it wasn't an involuntary tension she didn't think she'd be able to relax until she saw her baby born alive and well. She just wanted to hold him or her with Nathan and marvel at the miracle they'd created together.

"That's perfect sweetheart, just breathe." Nathan encouraged as Haley squeezed his hand harder and pushed like the doctor told her to. This had been the most amazing experience of his life and he was so proud of his fiancée who was so strong, working through the pain, her only concern that her baby was doing well.

"Okay that's great, Haley. You're almost done. Just one more push and you'll have your baby."

Haley panted heavily, wondering where she would find the strength for her next breath, let alone another push, but then she felt Nathan wiping a cool cloth across her forehead before kissing her softly and whispering encouraging words in her ear. She could do this. She had Nathan there to help her through it. Gripping his hand she took a deep breath.

"Okay. I'm ready."

Groaning loudly, she tried not to focus on the pain, but on the man standing beside her and their child who would be with them at any moment. The pain was excruciating but she breathed through it and when she felt the baby leave her body, hearing its first cries, Haley knew she'd go through that a hundred times over just to have the feeling of elation she experienced knowing that her baby was okay.

"You did it, Hales." Nathan whispered softly, kissing her lips.

"Congratulations, Mom and Dad. You have a beautiful little daughter."

"A daughter. We've got a little girl, Hales. A little girl."

Haley tried to choke back the tears, but failed as she watched them place her daughter in Nathan's arms for the first time. His expression was one she'd never seen before. It literally looked like they'd just placed the whole world in his hands and her heart fluttered at the sight. He took a seat on the edge of the bed beside her and they gently ran their hands over her, almost making sure she was real and this wasn't just a dream. Smiling at his fiancée, Nathan moved their daughter in her arms so she could hold her closer. She couldn't help running her hands over the baby's face all the way down to her tiny toes all over again, just to make sure everything was okay. Once assured that nothing was wrong, Haley grinned up at him. "Oh, Nathan. She's perfect."

As he took in his daughter's flushed little face, the dark fuzzy hair on her head which was obviously inherited from him and her tiny arms and legs, he struggled to find any words for this moment. He was so overwhelmed with love and awe for this tiny little person who he'd helped create and who he would be responsible for looking after for years to come. Nothing he'd read in any of their parenting books could prepare him for the way he felt looking at his child and his fiancée right then.

"She is perfect. Just like her mommy." Nathan added huskily, struggling with tears of his own. He didn't think he could ever feel happier than he did in that moment.

While the nurses took the baby to be cleaned up and all the regular tests performed, Nathan scooted onto the bed beside her. . "Thank you, Hales. Thank you for giving me a daughter… and a son. Thank you for giving me a family. I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

"Are you feeling okay, baby? I mean, besides the obvious." He added, feeling ridiculous for asking such a stupid question considering the ordeal he'd just watched her go through.

Haley thought about it for a moment knowing that she should feel like she'd been hit by a truck and could probably sleep for the next month, but the elation of finally having their baby and knowing that she was safe and sound gave her energy she didn't know she had. She felt so alive and happy. So damn happy she could burst.

"I feel wonderful. Everything right now is just perfect." She replied, looking into his eyes.

Pushing away the faint thoughts in his head about the fight she had ahead of her now against her cancer, Nathan decided to just concentrate on how amazing today was and all they had to be thankful for. "Yeah. It doesn't get much better than this."

"So… now that we've met our daughter, are you still happy with the name we decided on?"

"I think it suits her. How about you?"

"Yep. Now that I've seen her, I couldn't imagine a better name than Grace."

"Gracie Lee Scott. I love it… and if my mom's up there watching, she'll be damn glad we chose to use Lee, rather than Deborah. She always hated her name; said it made her sound like an old maid." Nathan chuckled, surprised that he didn't feel sadder that his mother wasn't there to see her granddaughter. He just knew she was watching over them now.

~*~

"Did we miss it? Did we miss it?" Brooke's excited call could be heard from the other end of the hallway as she, Jake and Jenny raced towards them. Luke had tried calling them a couple of times, but they'd slept through the phone ringing until about twenty minutes earlier when Brooke had answered, threatening that it had better be an emergency or she'd track the caller down and maim them. Once she'd heard that Haley had gone into labor she'd promised to be there as soon as she could.

"Aunt Brooke!" JJ jumped from his chair, glad to have some new faces around. This having a baby stuff involved a heck of a lot of sitting around doing nothing. No one ever warned a kid about just how boring it would be. "We're still waiting… and waiting."

Holding back an amused smile, Brooke hugged him close. "I'm sure it won't be much longer. Are you excited?"

He nodded his head eagerly. "I can't wait… but it's taking forever and I'm bored."

Jenny, who seemed to be trying to sleep through the commotion in her father's arms, suddenly became alert at the sound of her best friend's voice.

"Do we have a baby yet?" she asked animatedly, scrambling out of her father's arms to speak with JJ.

"Nope. It's taking forever." He replied sulkily. "Hey, you're in your pajamas."

The little girl just shrugged, not caring that she wasn't dressed properly. She was known to sleep anywhere, anytime if she was tired and so being in her bedclothes just made things easier.

At that moment Nathan joined them in the waiting room with a wide grin on his face.

"Has Mom had the baby yet, Dad? Has she?" JJ squealed, running into his father's arms so that Nathan could lift him up.

Nathan nodded his head, overjoyed to see their son so excited. He hugged the boy close as the rest of the group moved forward to hear the news.

"You have a little baby sister, buddy."

JJ's wide grin showed just how pleased he was with the news. "A sister! Cool!"

Everyone congratulated the new father and asked after Haley and the baby. Nathan promised that both were doing well.

Luke hugged his brother, grinning widely. It was amazing to see Nathan so happy and excited. It was obvious that his daughter already meant the world to him. "Well done, bro. I can't believe you were right all along. I was sure you were having a boy."

Nathan felt incredibly pleased that he'd managed to break the run of a male only Scott family line. It was one of many things he hoped to change, not wanting to be anything like his father. He looked his brother in the eye and smiled. "The first of many changes for the next Scott generation."

"Don't keep us in suspense. What's her name?" Brooke asked, clapping her hands together in excitement.

"Grace. Gracie Lee Scott." Nathan stated proudly thinking about how he was never going to tire of that name for the rest of his life.

"That's a beautiful name for my granddaughter." Jimmy said, clapping the proud father on the back. The time he'd spent with Nathan, watching him take care of his daughter and grandson had endeared the other man to him – so much so that he considered him the son he never had. Not only was he happy today for Haley, but he knew how much this meant for Nathan. "Congratulations, son. You're going to be wonderful father."

A moment passed between the two men and Nathan found himself fighting back tears again. He'd never known his father and having Jimmy there; loving him like a son felt like an old wound was finally healing. "Thanks, Jimmy."

Nathan noticed Karen tearing up next to his soon-to-be father in law. He also couldn't help but notice the protective hand that Jimmy had around her waist. He smiled slightly thinking that if something was developing between the two he couldn't think of another couple who fit more perfectly or deserved such happiness after hard times.

"I'm so happy for you, Nathan. You and Haley both." Karen cried, sniffling away her joyous tears.

He quickly pulled her into a hug. "You like the name?" he asked shyly, hoping that she approved. She'd been his mother's best friend and he knew how much she still missed her. "It's lovely, Nathan. Deb would have been honored... not to mention proud of you. Oh, how I wish she was here to see you becoming a new father."

Pulling away, Nathan smiled at her warmly and without even thinking he replied. "She's here."

He'd never really thought much about the afterlife, or spirits or angels, but he could feel his mother with him in some way and even if she couldn't physically be there with him on such a special occasion he was so pleased that he had Karen. "And I'm sure she's glad that Gracie has her Grandma Karen here."

"Can I see her, dad? Can I see my baby sister now?"

Taking JJ's hand, Nathan told the rest of the group that he'd go and check on Haley and then send a nurse for them when she were ready for visitors.

"Is she cute? Does she cry much? Does she look like you or mom?" JJ asked excitedly as he practically bounced along beside his father as they made their way to Haley's room.

"You'll see her for yourself in a couple of minutes, but I can promise you that she is very, very cute."

They entered the room to find Haley holding the baby, talking softly to her as she stroked her fine hair softly. Nathan almost cried again at the sight. She'd had a glow throughout the pregnancy, but in that moment, even after the hours of labor, Haley took his breath away.

"Mom!" JJ raced over to the bed, eager for a glimpse of his sister. His voice was full of awe as he whispered "Wow. She's so tiny."

"She sure is. She's even smaller than you were when you were born." Seeing how happy her son was with the new addition to their family, Haley thanked her lucky stars again for having such a wonderful life. "Now, why don't you sit in that chair by the bed to hold your sister for a little while? Dad can pass her over to you."

The little boy was fascinated with his sister. He couldn't believe just how small she was and was a little disappointed in how long it would be before she was big enough to play ball with him, but he soon perked up when his parents pointed out just how important his role was in her life. He would get to teach her new things, look after her and make sure she was safe. They could practically see him puffing out his chest at the prospect of being little Grace's protector.

A short while later everyone else came in to see the new arrival, taking turns to cuddle the baby or just watch her sleep contentedly. When Nathan noticed Haley starting to look a little tired, he asked Karen to watch JJ for the night and promised the little boy that he could come back in the morning with everyone else after Haley and Gracie had a good rest. He'd already spoken with the nurses and arranged to be able to stay with his fiancée overnight.

With Gracie in a crib by their bedside, Nathan and Haley lay there contentedly, just holding each other and taking in the magnitude of how much their lives had changed in such a short space of time.

"She looks so much like you, Nathan." Haley murmured with a smile. She knew the pleasure of seeing yourself in another person each and every day, and with Deb gone and Dan never being in the picture, Nathan didn't have that. She knew he'd take comfort in seeing his own features in their daughter.

"Yeah, she's got my hair and my eyes, I think… although they could change. But she's definitely got your cute as a button nose and she's got your mouth." He said before adding with a smile. "She's going to be the prettiest girl in the world."

"You do realize that means you'll be fending off boys left, right and centre." She teased, amused by the small snarl she heard him emit.

"I need a shotgun." He grunted.

Haley laughed, slapping his chest playfully. "You've got a good thirteen years before you need to invest in any firearms, babe."

"True. Plus, we've got a built in bodyguard. JJ's not going to let anyone near his little sis." He said with a smirk. That'll be one of the first things on my big brother training manual. Looking at her seriously he shook his head. "You know… I only just realized how little I actually know about girls."

Haley smirked and raised her brow disbelievingly. "And here I thought you were such a ladies man in your youth."

He chuckled at her joke. "Baby. Baby." He said with bravado. "If we're talking women… I think you have first hand knowledge of how good I am with the ladies."

She whacked him harder this time.

"But of course all of that knowledge is limited for use on one very special lady now."

"Damn straight." She giggled.

"But seriously, Hales. When it comes to little girls I really have no clue what I'm doing. I can tell you they like horses and Barbie dolls and that's about it. What the hell am I going to do? I grew up with boys. Luke and I spent our childhood playing hoops and breaking things and climbing things. I don't know any of the girl stuff."

Touched by the vulnerability in his voice, Haley turned and nuzzled his neck. "That's what I'm here for, baby. I'll help you through it… besides, I have a sneaking suspicion that our little girl might be quite the tomboy. I'm sure you and JJ will have her shooting hoops before she can even talk."

"You might be right, baby." Nathan agreed, kissing her hair.

After the grueling day she'd had, Haley soon drifted off to sleep, snuggling into Nathan who held her close, stroking her back soothingly.

For Nathan however, it was impossible to sleep and before long he gently slid from the bed and lifted his sleeping daughter into his arms. His mind just could not stop working at a million miles an hour. Not only was he discovering what it was like to feel that overwhelming love for a newborn child, but he was also dealing with the sense of fear that hit when you realized that this tiny little person relied on you to protect her from what suddenly seemed like a very big, scary world. Glancing back at Haley he felt a stab of pain in his chest realizing just how damn scary the world could be. Grace was a miracle and just as quickly as this miracle had come into his life today… it was possible that another one could be snatched away from him just as fast.

He thought back to her earlier words. _"That's what I'm here for, baby. I'll help you through it."_ The first niggle of fear had taken form then when he'd silently asked himself if she could promise him that. Could she promise she'd be there to help him change Grace's diapers properly, sing her the right lullabies, read her the right books, buy her the right clothes, play the right games? Would she be there for Grace's first day of school, her first sleepover, her first kiss or her wedding day? He couldn't do all that alone and he hated that the possibility needed to even be contemplated.

He'd managed to keep the thoughts at bay all day. His fears over Haley's health which had been plaguing him for months had taken a back seat to the birth of his daughter, but now when all was quiet and dark it was impossible for him to forget that the love his life was now going to have to prepare to fight for hers. A tear slid down his cheek as he looked from mother to daughter and contemplated the painful thought of living without the woman who had come to mean the world to him.

Leaning down to place a soft kiss on his daughter's chubby cheek he whispered, "You're momma's gonna be fine, baby girl. I promise I'll do everything I can to keep her with us."


	26. And Baby Makes Four

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _Thanks again to everyone reading and a big thanks to those who left feedback. It's very much appreciated. I am hoping to have this story completed in withing 5 chapters and hopefully that won't take too long to achieve. Thanks to **Diane** (paradiseblue) for taking the time to beta this and to **Dawn** and __**Kris** who helped me a lot._

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Haley thought to herself how amazing it was that priorities could shift and change in just a moment. Only weeks ago she'd been withdrawn and had difficulty dealing with her mastectomy; feeling as though she'd lost a part of herself, but the moment Gracie was born it was like all that overwhelming negativity had completely disappeared. The only thing that mattered now was getting well for her family. Even sitting here having to bottle feed her baby, rather than breastfeeding her wasn't bothering her the way she had thought it would. Yes, she had cherished the experience with Joshua and would love to share that very same experience with her daughter, but it just wasn't meant to be. She actually found that bottle feeding allowed her more time to enjoy watching her baby suckling hungrily on the bottle instead of feeling the discomfort that came with the natural process like biting and cracked nipples. There's always a silver lining, she thought, smiling with amusement.

Gracie finished suckling with a loud popping sound as she released the teat of the bottle and gurgled contentedly. She'd been the perfect baby since they'd bought her home over a week ago. She barely ever cried, only when she was hungry, lonely or needed changing… and there was no short supply of eager helpers to do it either. Their family and friends had been dropping by regularly, always happy to help out and JJ had been fantastic; a perfect little assistant wanting to help in every way he could. It seemed like little Gracie had her brother wrapped around her little finger already.

And it wasn't only her brother. Her father was well and truly hooked. Nathan was enamored with his daughter; always watching her, talking or humming to her, holding her, rocking her in the rocking chair or walking her around the house. The sight of them together never failed to tug at Haley's heart. He was an amazing father. The opposite of what Mitchell had been in every way. Sometimes when she was feeling exhausted and would hear Gracie crying out, she'd forget that she wasn't in this alone and by the time she reached the nursery Nathan would be mid diaper-change or he'd be coming down the stairs with her ready to heat up a bottle. And every single time there was a smile on his face… it may be an exhausted smile, but it was plain for anyone to see that he wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

"Do you want me to burp her for you?"

Glancing up at Nathan who'd just entered the nursery, she shook her head. "It's fine. You should go back to sleep."

Nathan kneeled down beside them and kissed his daughter's forehead sweetly before looking up at his fiancée. "I'd rather hang out with my two favorite girls," he whispered. Once the baby was sleeping contentedly, Nathan lifted her from Haley's arms. "Why don't we bring her back to bed… just for a little while."

"Okay." Haley agreed happily, loving it when they snuggled up in their bed with their daughter between them.

As they settled into bed, grinning like fools at each other, sharing in the miracle of having created such a perfect little person together, Haley felt a deep sense of knowing. There was no longer any fear or doubt about her cancer. She was going to beat it. There was no other possibility than for her to get well and spend the rest of her life loving her family and sharing many, many more moments of complete happiness like this one.

"What?" Nathan asked, with an amused smile.

"What?"

"I don't know… There's this look in your eye… like you somehow just figured out the secrets of the universe or something."

"Maybe I have." She joked, gently bushing her fingers across his cheek.

"You're amazing, you know that?"

She flushed as though receiving a compliment from a guy on the first date. She loved that he had the power to do that to her and hoped that it never changed.

"Thank you. But you're pretty amazing yourself. You're like Super Dad around here. You're a natural and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you being here to share this with."

"I love it, Hales. It's like nothing I could have ever imagined. I love JJ as my own son, but this is different. The love I have for Grace isn't more or less… just different. I grew to love our amazing little boy. He won me over with his smile, his enthusiasm, his big, big heart. It's different with Grace. I loved her before I even knew her. It was just there. The moment I found out you were pregnant I felt this overwhelming swell of love in my chest and even though we've been through so much these past months and I've had to deal with conflicting emotions about it all, my love for her only grew. Now that she's here I'm just in awe of… everything. I'm just in awe."

Reaching over the bundle between them, Haley stroked his face lovingly. She understood exactly what he was trying to say. No one could ever doubt the bond of love between Nathan and JJ; it was visible for all to see, but she also knew what it was like to experience the love for your own child. To think about them every second of the pregnancy and to be responsible for all of their needs once they're born. It was something that couldn't be described. You had to experience it to understand.

Taking her hand between his own, he lifted it to his lips to kiss her palm. "It actually makes me a little sad that I missed out on doing all of this for JJ. I never knew what it was like to hold him when he was small enough to fit into my hands, to rock him to sleep or have him need me for absolutely everything. It would have been nice to have that with him."

"You've been there for him in every way that matters and I know you'll continue to be the best dad he could have ever wanted. That little boy worships the ground you walk on, Nathan, and I don't see that ever changing. You're the best thing that ever happened to us." She whispered, a lone tear slipping down her cheek. She brushed it away, shaking her head at how overly sentimental she was being, damning her hormones for making her sound like such a sap.

"Well I guess that makes us even because finding you and JJ was the best thing that ever happened to me."

~*~

"Dad, can I play with Gracie yet?" JJ asked for the fourth time that morning. They'd been the first words out of his mouth every morning since they'd brought their daughter home a week earlier.

Nathan bit back a chuckle at his son's impatience. He'd only been awake for half an hour and yet he made it sound like he'd been waiting hours to see his sister.

"Not yet. Babies sleep when they need to and if Gracie is still sleeping this late, then she needs the rest. I'm sure she'll be crying out for her big brother soon enough." Nathan added with a smile. As if on cue, the sound of soft sobbing came through the baby monitor on the kitchen bench and without a word, JJ raced out of the room with Nathan hot on his heels.

Haley chuckled as she heard the footsteps on the stairs and hugged Gracie to her chest. She'd been just about to enter the nursery when she'd heard her daughter's soft cries and couldn't resist picking her up even though she knew one of 'her boys' would be there in a flash to do it for her so she could sleep in.

"Aww, Mom! I was gonna do that... I've been waiting for hours and hours!"

With her son pouting at her so adorably, and Nathan standing behind him with an almost identical expression, Haley suppressed a smile. Gracie had both her father and brother wrapped around her miniature sized pinkie already. If this was what she could achieve in just one week, Haley shuddered to think of how well trained her daughter would have them in a couple of years.

"Hours and hours, huh? And here I thought you only got out of bed half an hour ago." She teased, ruffling her son's hair. "How about you choose her outfit while I change her diaper?"

"Can I feed her too?" he asked excitedly.

"Hmmph. Guess I'm not needed at all. Way to make me feel useless." Nathan grumped.

Walking over to her fiancé, Haley batted her eyelashes coquettishly and whispered, "Oh honey… you've been very useful… in fact, I'd go so far as saying that we wouldn't be having this conversation if you hadn't performed a very, very vital role in helping make this precious little girl."

His eyes darkened at the innuendo and a familiar smirk emerged. If JJ hadn't been watching them with bored impatience he'd have continued on that track, loving the sexy banter they often bandied around, but he restrained himself and turned to their son instead.

"So, what will your sister be wearing today?" he asked even though both parents already knew the answer.

Racing over to the yellow chest of drawers that held Gracie's clothing, JJ quickly pulled open the middle draw and withdrew two items before placing them on the change table, ready for Haley to use once she'd changed the diaper.

"Again? Are you sure you don't want to choose something different, sweetie?" Haley asked sweetly.

"Nope. You said I could choose!" he exclaimed defiantly, pointing to the miniature sized pink and purple basketball shorts and matching singlet with 'Baby Scott' embroidered across the back. The outfit was a gift from Brooke who had also created a cheerleader style skirt and singlet to match. While everyone adored the two outfits, they hadn't anticipated JJ becoming so obsessed with his little sister wearing them. Their little girl was destined to be a tomboy.

"Okay, okay." She laughed, before sending them both off to get Gracie's bottle ready.

"You are going to be one spoiled little princess." Haley murmured before blowing a raspberry against the soft skin of her baby's belly.

"Ewww. I should have let your daddy take care of this one." No matter how much a mother loved her child… a dirty diaper was a dirty diaper and it was never fun having to change one. "Lord knows you didn't inherit this stench from your momma."

As much as she teased her son for his lack of originality when selecting outfits for his sister, Haley couldn't help the grin that came to her face when she'd finished dressing her daughter. The outfit was simply adorable, and with her diaper padded butt filling out the shorts, dark fuzzy hair and startlingly blue eyes, Grace was most definitely the cutest baby anyone had ever laid eyes on.

JJ was already sitting patiently at the kitchen table, Grace's bottle in front of him and a cushion resting on his arm to support her head. Haley loved the way both Nathan's and JJ's eyes lit up whenever the baby was in sight.

"Here you go." Haley murmured as she placed the baby in her son's arms.

She and Nathan took a seat at the table, drinking a cup of coffee as they watched their children. Haley had heard horror stories of children who resented their new siblings and who ignored them or even went as far as hurting them for attention, but JJ couldn't have been more overjoyed or protective of his little sister.

"Are you sure you're okay with me going in this morning?"

Nathan had not been into work since the birth and had organized another two months leave so that he could stay at home with Haley and the baby while she went through her chemotherapy, but Haley had been firm in her stance that he should continue to be involved with the team. His other duties at the school had been dropped, but he was to still attend practice sessions and games which only took a few hours of his time each week with the assistant coach stepping up to help out.

"I'm sure. The team needs you, babe." She said, covering his hand. She knew how much the team and the players meant to him as well as how much they relied on him. His love of the game and his dedication to those boys was part of the reason she'd fallen so deeply in love with him and she felt it was important for him to continue.

"I really don't have to. We don't need the money."

They'd been over it before, but he wanted to make sure she wasn't still worried about their lack of income. With Haley having stopped working a few months earlier and not being able to return for some time, she had stressed about their money situation for quite a while, but Nathan had assured her they would be fine. He was by no means rolling in cash, but his mother's insurance policy had been invested wisely and he had a nice little nest egg that would more than help them get through this tough financial time, including covering any medical costs that Haley's policy didn't cover. He didn't care about the money. He'd spend it all if it meant he could be there for her over the coming months.

"I know that, but I think it's important that you have a life outside of this house, Nathan. She watched him for a moment and then shook her head. "What is wrong with you? Most new fathers would latch onto any opportunity to escape the madness."

Glancing over at their children, Nathan turned back to her with a small smile. "This isn't madness. This is perfect… but I know you want me to go, so I'll go."

Haley's wide smile reassured him he'd made the right decision. Not only was he glad to make her happy, but he really did miss his team. They'd sent flowers and a card to the hospital congratulating them both on the new arrival as well letting him know he was missed by everyone associated with the basketball team.

"Now, Gracie and I have a busy morning planned, so I'll just burp her and then we'll be on our way."

Nathan and JJ reluctantly said goodbye before leaving Haley to get ready. Brooke had invited her over for coffee after Haley hinted that she was feeling she was going to get cabin fever if she didn't leave the house soon even if only for a couple of hours. She also knew that once her chemo started she might not have the energy to do much of anything for a while.

As fun as visiting Brooke had sounded, by the time she made it across town to Brooke and Jake's apartment, Haley was cursing her idea of leaving the house. It hardly felt like leaving when she'd basically brought the entire nursery along with her. She'd forgotten just how much stuff was required when going out with a new baby in tow.

"Moving in?" Brooke asked sweetly as she came out to help her friend with all of her belongings.

"Ha. Ha. Just you wait… it won't be long before you're in this position and you won't be laughing then."

"Hmm… true. Here, give me my favorite Goddaughter." Taking the bassinet from Haley, Brooke cooed at the baby as she carried her into the house. Haley followed behind feeling like a pack mule with the three oversized bags she'd packed. She knew she'd overdone it, but just because it was her second child didn't mean she wasn't as cautious and over-prepared as she'd been with the first.

"So has the morning sickness stayed under control?" she called out to Brooke in the kitchen as she dropped the bags on the sofa next to where her daughter's bassinet had been placed.

"Yep… not a single dizzy spell or sign of vomit for three whole days." Brooke sighed happily as she walked back into the room with a tray of biscuits and three mugs of tea. She placed the tray on the coffee table and picked Gracie up.

"Charming." Haley wrinkled her nose at Brooke's descriptive reply.

"I, however, have been throwing up morning, noon and night for a week now."

Haley spun around wide eyed at the sound of the familiar voice. It couldn't be! But oh, it was. Taylor stood in the entryway to the kitchen smiling at the look of shock on her sister's face.

"Tay?"

"The one and only. Don't I get a hug for flying all the way out here to see my little sis and my new niece."

"Oh My God!" Haley squealed, quickly crossing over to her sister, throwing her arms around her. Taylor had been there for her so much during her first pregnancy and when JJ had been a baby that it had been a little sad knowing she wouldn't be around this time. Seeing her here now had the blonde fighting back tears.

"Hey now, there's no need to cry." Taylor chuckled even though she was leaking a tear or two herself.

"How? When?"

"Brooke and I thought it would be nice to surprise you. I'm staying with Daddy for a couple of days before I head back home."

For the next few minutes Taylor and Brooke took turns holding and fawning over the baby, before Haley suddenly remembered her sister's words from earlier.

"You're pregnant!" she exclaimed so loudly that her daughter gave her a little disgruntled glare for interrupting her quiet nap. She grimaced, glad she hadn't started crying but then looked back at her sister with a questioning glance.

"Yep. I'm totally knocked up." she pronounced proudly in her own special Taylor way.

Haley couldn't have been happier for her sister. She'd often wondered if Taylor would find her own happily ever after. Settling down had always seemed so mundane to her older sister and Haley had never approved of her pattern of sleeping with married men - something that was obviously a way to avoid commitment – but one day that had all changed. Instead of their regular phone conversation consisting of Taylor gossiping about how she was bored with her latest lover and was going to dump him, she'd been sobbing about how she'd done something so painfully stupid; she'd fallen in love. It was only ever supposed to be a fling. Rick Bradley had been her boss; unhappily married to a woman Taylor called 'The Ice Queen' and it had started out just as all her other flings had, only this time her heart had gotten involved.

She'd broken things off with him immediately and resigned from her job, unable to continue working with him, seeing him each day knowing that she loved him and she was just his 'mistress'. She'd been determined to move on… only he'd had other plans. Rick had not let her go that easily. She'd ignored his phone calls for two months and thought she'd managed to get rid of him for good when there'd been almost a month of silence. Then out of the blue he'd shown up on her doorstep in the middle of the night looking disheveled as a drowned rat. Her heart had ached for him and the sad sight he made. She'd allowed him inside her apartment, making him a warm drink and deciding that perhaps he needed closure. She guess maybe she owed him that. They'd never really spoken about the end of their relationship. She'd just called it off and left.

That night he'd shocked the hell out of her by declaring his love. He explained that he'd left his wife the same week she'd left him. As if that hadn't been enough of a surprise, he'd knelt down on one knee, placed a diamond ring on her finger and begged her to marry him. Even more shocking was that she'd said yes. No hesitation, no doubts. Taylor had known straight away that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

They'd all been skeptical at first, but it hadn't taken long for everyone to see that Rick was in love with her. He was totally besotted with his fiancée and although they'd had an unconventional beginning it was obvious that they were meant to be. Seeing the couple at their wedding had only strengthened everyone's belief in them as well as giving hope that love could come in many different packages. And now they were having a baby. She was going to be an Aunty! Haley felt her eyes sting with tears again. Damn hormones.

"I'm so happy for you, Tay. Is Rick excited?"

"He's already cleared out his study and started buying furniture. The man is becoming baby obsessed." Taylor rolled her eyes in mock disgust, but Haley knew it was all for show. Her sister was just as excited as her husband even if she didn't want to show it. "He's at Dad's. I wanted to see you on my own first."

The three women chatted happily for hours about babies and pregnancy and at the end of it all they'd laughed about how they were acting like the mothers groups they'd all rolled their eyes at more than once, always pitying the women who had nothing better to talk about than their babies and cloth versus disposable diapers.

"You look amazing, little sis. I don't know how you manage to look so put together when you gave birth less than two weeks ago. You've always managed to do practically everything better than I have… and now you're like SuperMom. Way to intimidate me." Taylor joked watching her sister roll her eyes.

"Pfft. SuperMom I am not. Now, Nathan… I'm pretty sure he's earned superhero status. He's been amazing."

"You did good with that one. I had my doubts at first, but he's definitely the one for you. I'm still not too pleased that he knocked you up so quickly… but you were living together so I looked past it. But I'm sure you'll make an honest man out of him one day. Who'd have guessed that you'd be the black sheep. At least Rick put a ring on my finger before he put a bun in my oven." she teased, knowing how hypocritical her old fashioned comments were considering how their relationship had begun.

"Oh My God! She doesn't know!" Brooke exclaimed shrilly, practically bouncing out of her seat.

"What? What don't I know?"

Haley bit her lip guiltily. With everything that had been going on with the pregnancy and her surgery she'd completely forgotten to tell her sister that she was engaged. The only people she'd told had been her friends and family in Tree Hill because they'd seen the ring, and she'd never even though of it during her telephone conversations with her sister. They'd always been so focused on the baby and how she was coping after her mastectomy. It had honestly slipped her mind.

Holding out her left hand, Haley waved the engagement ring in front of her with a tentative smile. She really didn't know if Taylor's overriding reaction would be one of excitement or of hurt because Haley hadn't told her.

"Holy Shit! You're engaged." Taylor squealed in excitement before clapping a hand over her mouth and glancing at Gracie who was lucky still sleeping soundly. She immediately pulled her younger sister into a bear hug. "I'm so happy for you. How did I not know this? When? Where? I need details."

Brooke and Taylor shared smiles of amusement as Haley wistfully told them about Nathan giving her his Grandmother's ring. They both 'oohed' and 'aahed', even Brooke who had heard the story before, and Haley flushed with happiness as she thought about becoming Nathan's wife.

"So when are you going to put the poor guy out of his misery and marry him?"

Brooke rolled her eyes good naturedly. "That's something we've all been wondering."

"You act like it's been years." Haley scoffed.

"That boy is so damn in love with you that I'm sure it feels like centuries to him. I've only met him a couple of times, Haley, but even I can see how much he adores you. Why are you putting it off? Please don't tell me you're worried about making a mistake like you did with that slime ball of an ex."

Haley sighed. "This has nothing to do with Mitch. He's out of my life and out of my mind. It's hard to explain, but I want to make sure that Nathan and I have a day to cherish."

"I'm pretty sure committing to each other for the rest of your lives is going do that, Hales."

"When we look back on our wedding day, I want us to remember it as being a day filled with absolute joy and hope and clear conviction of the perfect future ahead of us and our family. I don't want to remember being worried that I might not be around for our first wedding anniversary. I don't want to remember feeling worn out and on the brink of exhaustion from chemotherapy. I don't want my memories tarnished that way… not for me or for Nathan. He deserves better than that."

Neither of them knew how to respond to that. It was so hard hearing those words from Haley's mouth. The possibility of her not being around in another year was too horrific to contemplate, and even though they'd had time to ponder the possibility, they'd never heard the words voiced aloud. When she put it that way, Haley's reluctance to set a date was completely understandable. A bride wanted her wedding day to be about the celebration of the long life she and her husband would share together. It would be difficult to push aside doubts and fears on such an emotional occasion.

"Nathan knows how you feel?" Taylor asked softly, pretty certain that her sister's relationship with her fiancé was close enough for her to be honest with him.

"Yeah, he knows and he understands my decision to wait. He doesn't like it, but he understands."

By the time Haley got home, fed Gracie and settled her for a nap she was exhausted. If this was how tired she felt at full strength she shuddered at the thought of how difficult it would be when she started her chemo. Slipping out of her shoes, she double-checked the baby monitor on the bedside table and curled up on the bed, letting her thoughts disappear and sleep take her within moments.

That was how Nathan found her an hour later. He wasn't surprised that she'd needed to rest. In all honesty, he'd been expecting her to fall in an exhausted heap all week, but somehow she managed to just keep on going. He stroked her hair softly and placed a kiss on her forehead. His next stop was the nursery to check on his daughter who had been lying quite contentedly in her crib staring up at the teddy bear mobile hanging above her. He'd picked her up, taking her down to prepare a bottle and then made his way back upstairs.

Sliding onto the bed beside her, Nathan rested against the headboard, smiling as Haley immediately sensed the shift of weight on the mattress and rolled over, draping her arm over his torso and snuggling into him with a contented sigh. He'd really enjoyed getting back into the gym today and spending time with the team, but nothing beat lying here feeding his baby and watching his fiancée sleep. School wouldn't finish for another few hours, so once Gracie settled and slept peacefully, he scooted down the bed, resting her in the nook of his arm and closed his eyes for some much needed rest.

~*~

"Nathan. Nathan."

His eyes opened slowly, glaring at the person responsible for interrupting his much valued slumber. "Luke? What are you doing here?" he mumbled, his mind still foggy.

"Uncle Luke brought me home." JJ stepped closer to the bed, his baby sister in his arms. Nathan looked across at Haley still sleeping beside him and shook his head in confusion. What was going on? He glanced at the alarm clock on his side table and realized with shock that it was almost 5pm.

"Jake was picking up Jenny from school and realized you weren't there, and weren't answering your phone so he took JJ home. When he hadn't heard back from the messages he left on your cell, he rang mom and I was there so I offered to go pick him up and bring him back here."

Nathan glanced anxiously at his son and put his arm around him. "I'm so sorry, buddy."

"It's okay. Jenny got a new Playstation game and I got to play it." It was obvious that the boy thought the situation had worked in his favor. "I need to practice my jump shot, can I take Gracie outside? I'll wrap her in a blanket."

"No, you can't buddy. Not unless an adult is with you. Why don't I take her and I'll bring her out to watch you soon?"

JJ handed his sister over and left the room, eager to go out and play.

"Shit. This is not good." Nathan muttered, cursing himself for being so careless. How on earth was he going to cope when Haley was sick if he couldn't even do something so simple as remember to pick up their son from school? He should have set a damn alarm. Running his fingers through his hair, he shook his head.

"Thanks for helping out, man."

"No problem… and don't stress, Nate. You and Haley are bound to be exhausted. JJ is fine and Gracie was perfectly happy when I got here so there's no harm done."

It didn't feel like it was ok. He was supposed to be responsible and being responsible included remembering to pick your kid up from school. He couldn't let Haley know they'd slept the day away or she'd be blaming herself for not waking up when it was his fault.

Standing up from the bed, he lifted the baby to smell her diaper. It smelled fresh.

"I've already changed her."

"You?" Nathan asked warily.

"Yes, me! I went to those classes with you, remember?"

"Yep… and I also remember all of your diapers falling off." Nathan laughed as the two of them made their way downstairs.

"I know you guys don't like asking for help, but, man, you look exhausted. Everyone is standing by waiting to help out so stop trying to be super parents and just call already. I swear mom is sitting by the phone waiting to be needed." Luke chuckled thinking of how much his mother talked of the baby. Luke adored his niece, but sometimes even he felt like telling his mom to give the baby talk a rest. "Gracie is her first grandbaby, Nate. She wants to be involved."

Nathan nodded. He knew their friends and family wanted to help them out, but it had been so nice doing everything for themselves; just their little family unit working together… but judging by the fact that they'd slept the day away it was obvious that he and Haley could probably do with some assistance. Things were only going to get harder for them. Just like he'd done for the past week, he pushed the thoughts aside. It took all of his energy and focus to be there for his family, trying to ease Haley's stress and make sure she felt like they could cope. He couldn't afford to lose focus by allowing his fears to overtake him.

Oblivious to his brother's sudden change of mood, Luke continued. "Speaking of… mom's planned a dinner tonight at her place. Everyone's invited and they're all dying to see Gracie."

"Well considering we've all had a good rest today I think Haley will be up for it. What time?"

"Seven. See you then." Luke said, clapping his brother on the back before he started to leave, calling out goodbye to JJ as he headed towards the front door.

"JJ changed the diaper, didn't he?" It was more of a statement than a question. It was too good a job for it to have been Luke.

The blonde man simply smirked, shrugging his shoulders. "I'll never tell."

Nathan chuckled and looked down at his daughter who was watching him with a small smile. "Your Uncle Lucas is sneaky… but we put up with him anyway."


	27. Blurred

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _Thank you to everyone who is continuing to read this story even though the updates aren't so regular anymore. I appreciate all the wonderful feedback and PMs I've received and can assure you all that this story will be finished. I owe a big thank you to **Dawn** who assisted me tremendously with this update and also to __**Kris** for all of her support._

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The world was spinning and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Her stomach lurched as her surroundings blurred and she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. When the retching was over she was thankful that she'd had no appetite and only managed to consume some fruit juice and a few crackers all day. Remembering the last time she'd felt this way, during the first few months of her pregnancy, Haley considered how different the circumstances were now. Rather than her body reacting to a new life growing within her womb, it was now reacting to the chemotherapy drugs running through her system for the past few days.

"Hales?" Nathan's concerned voice called to her through the door before he opened it and rushed to her side. He rubbed her back soothingly. "You done, baby?"

She nodded her head sluggishly and was thankful for the support of his arm around her waist to lift her off the tiled floor of their en suite. Holding her against his side, he wet a cloth before flipping down the toilet seat and pulling her onto his lap and back against his chest. She moaned softly as the cool washer came into contact with her forehead. The relief was unbelievable.

Nathan struggled to keep his composure. They'd discussed all the side-effects of her treatment and he'd foolishly thought he'd been prepared. He now realised that nothing could have prepared him for this feeling of helplessness and inadequacy. She was so tiny in his arms, weak and pale, the fatigue and nausea taking its toll on her fragile body. The first cycle of chemo hit the hardest, at least that was what the doctors had said, so he could only hope that it got better from here. Haley had another four to eight cycles remaining, with the drugs administered for up to five days and then a three week break to give her body a chance to recover before it went through the harsh process again. He didn't know how he would be able to bear watching his fiancée suffer like this for the next eight months.

"That feels so good; I could kiss you right now." Haley sighed, snuggling back against his chest, before laughing softly "But I should probably brush my teeth first."

When she received no response, she turned to look at her fiancé who was not smiling like he should be. Seeing his strained attempt she knew he was finding it difficult to see her this way and her heart ached for him. "I'm fine, Nathan. In a few days I'll be good as new. Just you wait."

While it was true that most of her nausea would pass soon, they both knew she'd be far from well as her body recovered over the next few weeks. On her good days she'd still feel tired and sluggish but on her bad days she'd want to crawl under the covers and sleep forever. Haley wasn't too worried about dealing with the symptoms, she'd been through them all before; the fatigue, nausea, nosebleeds, and diarrhoea. It was having Nathan and JJ watch her suffer that pained her the most, and then the fact that more often than not she'd be too ill to even look after her daughter.

"You're hot. Let me get the thermometer." Nathan said anxiously.

"I'm fine. I've got a slight fever, but nothing to worry about."

"Then there's no harm in me taking your temperature is there?"

There was no point arguing. When it came to her health, Nathan wouldn't rest until he was sure she was okay. She let him lift her into his arms and carry her to their bed.

Once he'd taken her temperature and was satisfied that she was okay, she brushed her teeth before he helped her into a pair of pajamas tucked her under the covers. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

~*~

Karen frowned at the sight of Nathan looking tired and dishevelled as he entered the cafe with Gracie in a bassinet and JJ carrying her large diaper bag. He looked like the walking dead. He and Haley had been a lot more open to offers of help over the last couple of weeks, but it was obvious that they were still taking too much of the burden upon themselves. She knew that Haley had been hit hard by her first round of Chemotherapy which meant that Nathan was spreading himself even more thin than usual... and as usual he was trying to do it all himself.

"Hi Aunt Karen!" JJ called out as they took a seat at their regular booth.

Walking over to greet them, she offered JJ a bright smile and Nathan one that was part sympathy, part admonishment for running himself ragged.

"Morning JJ. I wasn't expecting to you see you boys in here today."

"Mom was up puking all night again so we're letting her sleep in. I hope she's better soon." It was obvious that while the boy was trying to seem brave about it, he was very concerned about his mother's health. His parents had sat down with him to explain exactly what was involved with the process of Chemotherapy, but he still didn't like seeing his mother so sick.

Karen's concerned gaze flew to Nathan who was frowning at his son. "I don't think it's very nice of you to make comments like that about your mom in public, JJ."

It was unusual for Nathan to reprimand his son and JJ looked a little embarrassed by the scolding. "Sorry, Dad." he whispered sullenly.

Nathan wiped a hand over his face before reaching across the table to pat his son's hand. "It's okay. I didn't mean to snap at you, buddy. I'm just tired."

Cheering up automatically, JJ smiled and moved on from the incident as if it had never happened. Karen suggested that he head up to the roof where Lucas was playing a game of mini-golf. He needed no more prompting and quickly left the booth.

"How are you doing?" Karen asked, taking a seat

"I'm fine, Karen. Just a little tired. Nothing compared to what Hales is going through."

Sighing, she placed a hand on his stubbled cheek. "We're not comparing the two of you. What Haley is going through is tough and I'm not taking anything away from that, but you're going through a lot too, Nathan, and if you want to take care of your family the way I know you want to, then you need to take care of yourself first. No offence, but you look like crap."

Nathan chuckled, and pulled her into a one armed hug. "Thanks Karen. You always did know how to make me feel good."

Shrugging with mischievous smile, she quipped "I try. Now give me a look at that precious daughter of yours."

Placing the sleeping baby in her arms, Nathan was overcome by another yawn and received an 'I told you so' look.

"Why don't I take the kids tonight? Jimmy's coming over for dinner and I know he and Luke would love to spend some time with them."

Nathan shook his head, too tired to even attempt to tease her about her growing relationship with Jimmy. It was fairly obvious to all that there were more than platonic feelings between the two, but they hadn't announced a relationship so no one could be certain what was going on… or if they had even admitted their feelings to themselves.

"Hales wouldn't agree to it. She's been feeling guilty enough over the last few days about not being able to do much for Gracie, there's no way she'd let you take her. It's like she thinks she's a bad mother for not being able to do everything."

"Kind of like how you feel like you're a bad father if _you_ can't do everything? You don't have to be Superman, Nathan."

"I know."

"Well, how about you have us over for dinner tomorrow? Haley will want an early night and Jimmy can take JJ for the night. I'll stay in JJ's room and tend to Gracie. It'll give you a chance to get a decent rest."

"She won't like it."

"I know, but she'll appreciate it all the same. You know you need some help, Nathan."

"Yeah. Thanks, Karen."

"Great. I'll contact Brooke too and we'll bring the food. See you tomorrow night."

~*~

Are you sure you don't want some, Haley? You barely touched your dinner. Shouldn't you be keeping up your vitamins... or something?" Brooke said as she pushed a bowl of ice cream and fruit salad towards her friend.

"Yeah, pumpkin. I don't think I've seen you eat more than a mouthful tonight." Jimmy stated trying to be encouraging. He would have continued, but felt Karen's hand on his arm, warning him to stop.

"I'm fine. If I was hungry I'd eat." she gritted out, barely holding onto her temper.

Despite feeling exhausted, Haley had been looking forward to this dinner with her family and friends. The worst of her nausea seemed to have passed; the new anti-nausea drug she was taking seemed to be working better than the last and she only found herself feeling dizzy or ill if she exerted herself too much. Unfortunately, her pleasure at spending time with her loved ones was being ruined by their constant fussing over her. She couldn't stand being treated like a child just because she was ill.

"Still trying to lose all that baby weight, huh, Hales?" Luke asked with a teasing glint in his eye. He could see she was almost at boiling point and knew a few jokes could calm her down.

Seeing Nathan whack his brother on the back of the head and Luke's fake groan of pain had the tension leaving her body. This was what she wanted. She wanted to be treated like she always had, not coddled as though she were a child.

"Whatever. When was the last time you hit the gym, Pudgy?" She retorted, poking her tongue out at him.

Gasping, Luke covered his heart and pouted. "That hurt, Hales. You know I've kept up a strict regime since I quit the game."

Nathan snorted loudly. "Yeah, a strict regime if you mean playing Xbox and downing pizza and beer like there's no tomorrow. You're letting yourself go, bro. How are you going to find yourself a good woman to settle down with if you're getting pudgy?"

Brooke snickered, always having loved the brother's good natured teasing. It had been difficult seeing them separated for so long and having them back to their old teasing ways was wonderful to see.

Luke gave the brunette a mock glare and stared pointedly at her softly rounded stomach, which she was always rubbing instinctively as most pregnant women did.

"Don't even think about it man. Not if you want to leave here with your manhood intact." Jake warned playfully as his wife growled softly beside him. As much as they both loved the changes in her body as her pregnancy developed, he knew she was ultra sensitive to comments about her weight. It had never been an issue for her before and suddenly not fitting into her clothes was definitely an adjustment.

As much as it was true that Luke had definitely relaxed his lifestyle since he quit professional basketball, anyone could see there was not an ounce of fat on him. He still exercised regularly; always keeping the option of playing again in the back of his mind.

"Well I hate to love you and leave you… but I need drag my 'pudgy' self home to get ready for a hot date tonight."

"Really? That's awesome, Luke." Haley said with a grin. He'd been so restless since his accident. Coming so close to dying had made him think about what he really wanted from life. He could definitely have gone back to playing ball with a little time and rehab, but she had seen a change in him since he'd moved back to Tree Hill. The way he watched her family with longing, and how he surrounded himself with family and friends, showed how much he wanted that life for himself. He just needed to find the right woman to share it all with.

After plenty of teasing about his date, Luke left and Karen and Brooke began clearing the table.

"Nope, let me get that." Brooke chirped as she took the last dish from Haley's hands.

Haley sighed with frustration and dropped back into her chair. She knew that her friends were just trying to be helpful, but all they were doing was pointing out how useless she felt. She'd barely lifted a finger around the house in days. Nathan was getting up to Gracie at night, and changing her diapers during the day. He would let her feed the baby, but he always prepared the bottles first. Even JJ was doing more than her and she hated feeling like she couldn't look after her family.

"They're only trying to help. Just sit back and relax. Enjoy some cuddle time with your hot, sexy fiancé." Nathan whispered as he placed his arm along the back of her chair, eliciting a half giggle-half snort from her.

"Cuddle time does sound nice." she murmured as he nuzzled her neck playfully. She was in no shape for any real fooling around, but she'd love to actually stay awake long enough to have Nathan hold her as she fell sleep. She missed the feeling of his strong body engulfing hers. It was a comfort she could really use right now and she had the feeling that Nathan might be worried about hurting her. She would definitely have to have a chat with him about her not being a fragile porcelain doll.

The sound of a baby's cries disrupted their moment and Haley quickly stood up, determined to go upstairs to her daughter. She felt a little woozy from the sudden movement, but wouldn't let that deter her. She could feel Nathan beside her, about to tell her to sit down, but she quieted him with a stern look. Her feeling of triumph soon faded however when she heard Brooke's crooning voice through the monitor as she tended to baby Grace. It didn't matter that her friend was trying to help, and had no idea of the frustration building up with in her; in that moment Haley wanted to scream. Gathering what little energy she had, she marched off toward the stairs, meeting Brooke at the bottom and practically snatching her daughter out of her arms.

Having seen the tension building, Jake, ever the quiet observer, quickly walked over and placed his arm around his wife's waist. "Honey, I know you're keen to spend time with Gracie, but Jenny's about ready to drop. We need to get going."

Brooke glanced over at Jenny and JJ playing a video game, obviously full of energy and frowned at her husband. "She's not going to be ready for bed any time soon and there's still a heap of stuff that needs to be done here." Reaching across for the baby, Brooke lifted her out of Haley's arms and sniffed at her diaper. "Starting with changing this little one. Then Karen and I thought we'd prepare a few bottles for tonight and the morning... oh and JJ got a hole in his basketball shorts so I promised to sew that up for him too."

As Brooke listed of all of the motherly duties that Haley herself wanted to be doing, even if she knew she didn't have the energy for them, she suddenly saw red and once again grabbed Gracie from her friend.

"It's nice of you to offer, but I can manage."

Karen and Jimmy, who had made their way from the kitchen where they'd been washing up, hovered on the edge of the scene, not knowing how to diffuse the situation. Everyone understood the enormous pressure Haley was under and they hadn't meant for their actions to make her feel this way, but they also knew she needed the help. She and Nathan both.

"Hales." Nathan said softly as he joined her. "Brooke was just trying to help. She didn't mean any harm. We're both exhausted at the moment and she and Karen have offered to help out with some things. Actually... um, your dad was going to have JJ for the night... and we thought it might be a good idea if Karen stayed over to give us a break. Wouldn't it be nice to sleep through the night for a change." he added trying for humor.

"Nice to know how much my opinion about our children's lives counts these days. When you've decided which college they're going to why don't you let me know!"

Nathan winced at the anger in her voice, not only because he hated having her angry at him, but he knew it took a lot out of her to get this fired up and she was supposed to be relaxed.

"It's not like that Hales, you know that. We just want to make things easier. God, even I'm struggling and I'm not sick. This is as much about me as it is you."

"No! I think it's pretty obvious that none of you believe I can look after my own kids anymore. Well I've coped on my own for years," she hissed between clenched teeth, feeling a moment of regret as Nathan stiffened beside her. Excluding him from her comment was a low blow and she knew it considering he'd been an amazing parent since he'd come into their lives, but she was too angry to amend it now, "and I did a damn fine job. I certainly don't need any of you hovering around me like you're waiting for me to screw up."

"Pumpkin. We're all just trying to make things easier for you."

"That's all it is, baby. We know how much you love JJ and Gracie and so do they. Taking a few days off from some of your regular tasks isn't going to make them think anything different. Besides, they're more perceptive than we give them credit for. JJ understands what is going on and he's more than happy to step and help out. I think it even makes him feel important."

"Thanks for the insight Dr Phil, but being a parent for a year doesn't make you an expert."

Nathan flinched. Her comment hit him where he was most vulnerable. His biggest insecurity was about his parenting skills and whether or not he was being a good enough father and boyfriend. She was usually so supportive and praised him for his devotion to them all, so hearing her criticize him so scathingly broke his heart. He knew she wasn't herself at the moment and that she would feel terrible for her comments, but it didn't stop them from hurting him.

Haley could barely believe the words had come out of her mouth, but there was no way to take them back now or to erase the look of hurt that he quickly tried to hide. She didn't know what was happening to her but she couldn't stop herself from expressing her anger and frustration in vicious words to those she cared about most. "Maybe you do all think you're helping, but you're not. I'd like you all to leave. Now, please." she ordered tightly before adding, "and if you're not too worried that they won't make it through the night, I'd appreciate if you left my children in my care for the evening."

Brooke, who was usually the first to call someone on their nasty behavior knew better than to make comment and quickly gathered her family and their belongings. The three of them left with quickly murmured goodbyes.

"Can I still stay with Grandpa?" JJ asked quietly, and Haley spun around, having forgotten that he and Jenny were there to witness her outburst. Seeing the wary look in her son's eyes she felt her own eyes sting. She'd frightened him. Her erratic outburst had frightened him and he'd rather leave than stay with her. Fighting back the urge to refuse him, she summoned up a smile and passed Gracie over to Nathan before leaning down to hug him tightly.

"Of course. You can stay with Grandpa if you want to."

"I'll come back tomorrow after school though, okay? Dad and I will cook dinner and do all the laundry so you don't need to worry about anything. I promise."

"I love you, honey."

Grinning at his mom's return to her usual sweet self, JJ threw his arms around her. "I love you more."

"Not possible. Have fun." Standing up while JJ raced upstairs to get his overnight bag, Haley turned to Karen and her father. "I know you're just trying to help but I'm sick of everyone trying to take over. I'd appreciate being consulted on this kind of decision in the future. Good night."

With her back stiff from frustration and lingering anger, Haley turned from the group and made her way to her room. She only just made it to the en suite before she was throwing up what little she did eat at dinner. Her limbs were shaking from the confrontation and she realised she felt more drained than she had since the first day of her treatment. Flushing the toilet, she pulled herself up to stand in front of the mirror and stared at her pale, unhappy face. What was she doing? The last thing she wanted was to be alienating the people she loved most, and scaring her own son. Hanging her head in shame she closed her eyes to fight off another wave of nausea. It wasn't until she looked back up at her reflection that she realised she was crying. The blurred image made her cry harder until heaving sobs wracked her body and she leaned back against the wall, sliding down to the floor.

Nathan kissed his sleeping daughter's forehead before wearily making his way to the bedroom. The scene downstairs had shocked him and even though he knew his fiancée's behavior was due to stress and illness, that knowledge didn't make her comments hurt any less. He'd already forgiven her, though and just wished he could ease her pain.

"Hales?" he called softly when he realised she hadn't yet put herself to bed. Approaching the en suite he called he name again before he heard the unmistakable sound of crying and went to her immediately. Nathan ran his hands through her hair and gently caressed her face, until Haley looked up at him with such misery that it nearly took his breath away. Without hesitation he pulled her into his arms, cradling her like a child and rocking her as they clung to each other in the middle of the bathroom floor.

"I'm sorry. I'm... so... sorry." she swore struggling to catch a breath as she cried into the crook of his neck.

"Shhh. Its okay, baby. It's okay."

It was so like Nathan to forgive her in the blink of an eye, but she was feeling so bad about her behavior that part of her wished he'd punish her if even just for a little while.

Nathan wasn't sure how long they stay there, but after a while, her crying subsided and he stood, lifting her in his arms and taking her to their bed. They both changed quickly with Nathan doing one last check on Gracie before returning. As soon as he slid under the covers, Haley reached for him and burrowed into his side, needing to be held just as much as he needed to hold her.

"I am really sorry, Nathan. I know that everyone was just trying to help... and it was selfish of me to refuse that help, especially when you've taken on so much. You're exhausted and it's no surprise why. If you need help from any of our friends I promise I won't lose it again… and I'll never speak to any of you that way again. I'm so ashamed of myself" she whispered ruefully.

"I know you didn't mean it, Hales. They do too. We know how much strain you're under and no matter how much you push us away, we'll just keep coming right back. We love you too much to do anything else."

"I know. About the parenting comment... Nathan, you are an amazing father and I should never have belittled you like that. You may have only been a part of this family for a short time, but we wouldn't be the same without you... and honestly, you understand and connect with JJ in a way I never could. You're an amazing father… and partner. I love you so much."

"God, I love you too." he whispered desperately against her hair. "I don't think you'll ever know just how much."

Nathan felt her breathing even out and relished the feel of her in his arms again. He'd missed holding her this way and if it weren't for the fact that he was already exhausted and would be up in a few hours for Gracie, he would have liked to watched her sleeping all night.

~*~

Gracie's cries pierced Haley's subconscious and even though she knew it must have been hours since she'd fallen asleep, her mind and body protested to being woken as though it had only been minutes. Rolling over she expected to see Nathan already half way to the door as he had been each night this week, but instead she found him snoring softly, dead to the world. He looked adorable. His face was soft and peaceful, the worry lines that had marred his forehead over the past months were no longer visible, but she knew they'd be back when he woke.

She reached across ready to wake him, but withdrew her hand at the last moment. He was obviously exhausted and she'd ruined his chance for a full night of sleep by asking for Karen to leave rather than stay as planned. The least she could do was let him rest. Hopefully Grace would sleep through the rest of the night anyway so he wouldn't have to get up at all. Decision made, Haley got out of bed and slipped on her robe before padding out to the nursery.

As though sensing her mother's presence, the baby's cries stopped almost immediately and a small smile bloomed on her face as Haley came into view; her chubby arms reaching up for her mother instinctively.

"Aw, sweetheart. It's good to see you too." Haley murmured into her daughter's raven hair. Inspecting the diaper, she knew it needed to be changed and made her way over to the change table. Gracie was such an easy baby in nearly every way. Rather than squirming around like a worm, she lay still, only flapping her arms and legs around when it was part of a game. As gross as diaper changing could be, Haley had missed this. The last few nights she'd missed these stolen moments during the night when it was just the two of them sharing sweet kisses and soft giggles.

Once Gracie was bundled up again in her pajamas, Haley lifted her into her arms and slowly made her way downstairs to heat a bottle. She hated how out of breath she became after descending the staircase; hated being so weak. While waiting for the milk to heat, Haley took a seat at the kitchen table and rested for a moment while talking softly to her daughter. Still feeling a little drained, Haley decided to feed the baby downstairs, giving herself a break before venturing back up the stairs. Gracie drank from the bottle greedily. She had a healthy appetite and never refused to drink.

"What a hungry little girl you are." Haley crooned, kissing the soft skin of her daughter's forehead. Finishing with a slurp, Gracie sighed contentedly as her mother burped her. After one particularly loud burp, Haley laughed and told Grace that she most definitely inherited that trait from her father.

Haley found the trip back up the stairs difficult and paused a few times to catch her breath. She contemplated calling out to Nathan, but didn't want to disturb him, so just took her time and eventually made her way back to the nursery. Gracie was already asleep by the time she got there and Haley couldn't wipe the adoring smile off her face as she looked down at the perfect sleeping bundle in her arms. Noticing a dark spot on her daughter's cheek, Haley reached out to see what it was. As she touched the mark it smudge and she realised it was some kind of warm liquid. A moment later a drop fell on her own hand and she quickly realised her nose was bleeding. It was another symptom of the Chemotherapy and often occurred when she was stressed beyond at her limit.

As her vision began to blur and the room started spin around her, Haley quickly placed Gracie in her crib and staggered towards the chest of drawers, trying to hold herself up while she waited for it to pass. The dizziness was too much, however, and the last thing she saw before she succumbed to the darkness was the ground racing up to meet her.


	28. Reality Check

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. Your comments mean a lot to me and are always appreciated. There are only a few more chapters left and I hope to have them completed soon. Thanks to **Dawn** for her feedback and to **Di** for being a wonderful beta._

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"Nathan?"

Nathan's head flew up at the sound of his name being called. He'd been in the waiting room of the Oncology department for over an hour without a clue as to why his fiancée had collapsed and was still unconscious.

"How is she? Can I see her?"

Doctor Parish, who had come to the hospital after one of the nurses called him at home to advise that Haley had been admitted, placed a comforting hand on Nathan's shoulder. "I'm afraid that's not possible just yet. We've had to move her to Intensive Care into an isolated area."

"I need to see her!" Nathan growled, raking his fingers through his hair. "What's going on?"

It was difficult for the doctor, who had come to care for both Haley and Nathan, to see the young man so distressed. "Haley has what we call Neutropenia. Her white blood cell count is dangerously low which has left her vulnerable to infection. The white blood cells fight infection and while the chemotherapy drugs attack the cancer cells, they also harm her normal cells which is how she got such a low cell count. I'm a little surprised to see it this early on in her treatment, but while uncommon it's not impossible. It may be that with the ordeal her body has been through from the mastectomy and the pregnancy, it has made her a more likely candidate for infections."

Nathan was trying to take in all of the information but it was difficult when his mind was screaming out for answers. He just wanted to know if Haley was going to be okay. It just didn't seem right that his fiancée was alone somewhere, in God knows what condition and he wasn't with her. He was supposed to be with her through all of this.

"Just be honest with me. Is she going to be okay?"

"There's every chance she'll make it through this without any problems, Nathan, and I want you to stay positive. She needs you to stay positive. Just remember that Haley's a fighter and she's been through worse."

"But?..." he asked resignedly, knowing by the grim expression on Dr Parish's face that there was more to the story.

"But at this stage I can't promise you anything. It looks like her blood pressure dropped dramatically this evening, causing her to pass out and even though she never stopped breathing, her body is under a lot of strain and she hasn't regained consciousness yet which is a bit of a concern, but it's also a way of her body trying to repair itself. It needs time and rest to do that."

"What happens if she gets an infection?" He wasn't even sure if he wanted to know the answer. It was too frightening.

"Most infections can be treated, and now that we know she has Neutropenia we're in the best position possible to try to prevent her from getting a serious infection."

Noting Nathan's bleak look of impatience, the doctor realized he wouldn't be satisfied with just hearing the best case scenario. He was going to have to be honest about what could possibly happen in the worst instance. And he understood Nathan's need for all the information. He'd been there himself when his own wife was going through the same thing. It would be so much worse for someone without a medical background trying to make sense of it all.

"Alright," he sighed, rubbing his forehead, "Haley's body is weak and unable to protect itself against disease so something like the average cold which seems like nothing to a healthy person can be quite dangerous for her at the moment but can usually be managed. However, in the event that Haley did contract a more serious infection… well, it could be life threatening."

"So after everything she's been through, you're telling me something stupid like a simple cold might kill her? This is so fucked up!" he shouted, not caring that he was drawing concerned glances from the other staff.

"I know, Nathan. I know it is… but Haley needs you to be strong for her right now."

Shaking his head, Nathan wondered how that was even possible. He felt about as strong as a twig. He'd been trying so hard to keep it together for everyone but he knew he was close to breaking.

"Nathan!"

Karen and Jimmy raced towards him, their faces bleak.

"How is she?" Jimmy asked, terrified for his daughter.

Nathan didn't know where to begin and sighed with relief as Dr Parish began to explain Haley's condition to them. Taking a seat, he dropped his head in his hands and concentrated on breathing. One breath in. One breath out. One breath in. One breath out.

He wasn't aware of anything around him or how long he sat there. Lost in his own little world, Nathan thought of nothing but Haley and their children and what life would be like if they lost her. He knew it was wrong to think that way, but he couldn't stop his mind from taking him there. It was like being stuck in some sort of private hell where his worst nightmare was unfolding before him.

It was the feel of Karen's warm hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles that brought him back to the present. He swallowed the lump in his throat and lifted his head to look at her. He could see she'd been crying, but she was smiling at him with motherly concern. She knew he needed strength and was there to give it to him.

"The kids are with Jake and Brooke." She said softly, knowing that he'd soon be worried.

It hadn't even occurred to him to wonder about them even though before coming to the hospital, he'd dropped his daughter off at Karen's where JJ was already spending the night. He really was not in control of his thoughts or emotions.

"Okay. Thanks."

"The doctor said he'd be back for you soon. You're allowed to go sit with Haley; you just have to change into scrubs because they're trying to keep her environment as sterile as possible."

Realizing that Karen was going to be there to help him and take charge was an incredible relief. He felt so out of control that the thought of only having to concentrate on Haley and being with her lifted the weight of the world off his shoulders.

Seeing Jimmy sitting pale faced on the seat next to Karen, Nathan realized that maybe he'd want to see his daughter as well. He knew it was only right to ask even if he did want to be alone with her.

The older man shook his head.

"They're only allowing one visitor tonight and it should be you. Haley will want you to be there with her when she wakes up." Jimmy said huskily, trying not to give in to the tears that threatened to fall. "She's going to wake up soon, you'll see."

~*~

Haley squinted against the blinding brightness of a light above her, immediately becoming aware of a throbbing pain on the side of her head. It felt as though someone was hitting her repeatedly with a heavy object. Surveying the room with a quick glance, she quickly recognized her surroundings as some sort of hospital room. But what was she doing here now? She couldn't remember coming in and she wasn't due for another round of treatment for weeks.

The rising swell of panic within her began to fade as she saw her fiancé's head lay bent over the side of the bed, his cheek resting on his hand which held her own possessively. He was so beautiful when he slept. Even the frown creasing his brow couldn't detract from the aura of childlike innocence that surrounded him. She was so enthralled watching him sleep that she momentarily forgot her alarm at finding herself in the hospital with no recollection of what had happened. It was only a temporarily relief, however, before she felt the vise like grip constricting her heart. Why was she here? Where were her children?

"Hales?"

Nathan's groggy voice filtered through her anxious thoughts and within moments he'd left the chair he'd been occupying and was sitting on the edge of the bed watching her anxiously. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Where are the kids?" she asked urgently as he squeezed her hand. Something seemed odd about him and she realized that he was dressed in nurse's scrubs. "What's going on?"

The relief he felt was incredible. All night he had been stressed and worried beyond belief. No matter how many nurses and doctors told him that she seemed to be doing well and just needed some rest, he couldn't stop the sense of dread inside him until she opened her eyes and he could see for himself that she was okay.

It had been the worst night of his life. It had started off like any other evening when he'd woken up to the sound of his daughter's cries, finding Haley's side of the bed empty. His first thought was that she'd already gone to the baby, but instead of finding Haley holding their daughter in her arms lovingly like he was so used to seeing, he found her sprawled on the floor, a small pool of blood collecting near her face. The sight had knocked the breath out of him; fear spreading through his veins.

After checking the crib to make sure that Gracie was fine, he had undertaken the terrifying task of checking his fiancée's pulse. His hands shook as he searched for the pulse point on her neck and watched her chest for movement. He soon realized that she was breathing and with a small sense of relief, quickly called an ambulance. The eight minutes that it took for them to arrive seemed like an eternity when the woman he loved was lying unconscious before him and he'd never felt so helpless. It seemed to be a recurring theme in his life at the moment! Stripping off his t-shirt, he'd taken his daughter out of her crib to comfort her and pressed his discarded shirt firmly against the cut on Haley's temple even though it seemed to have pretty much stopped bleeding on its own.

When the paramedics arrived he raced downstairs to let them in and had watched helplessly as they checked over her and then took her away in the ambulance. Torn about what to do next, Nathan had decided to take Gracie over to Karen's, knowing there was no one else he felt more comfortable leaving his baby girl with than the woman who had helped raise him.

"Nathan? What's happening?" Haley prompted him out of his memories, needing to know what was going on.

"It's okay, baby. You had a bit of an accident, but you're at the hospital now. Dr Parish is taking good care of you."

"Accident?" she murmured, searching her memory for what he was talking about.

"You passed out last night…"

"Oh, God." Haley gasped as her memory of the night before came back to her. She remembered how exhausted she'd felt, then the nosebleed and rushing to place her baby in the crib before she was falling to the floor.

"Gracie. Is she okay? God, Nathan is she alright?" her voice broke as she thought about possibly hurting her daughter. She'd rather die than cause either of her children any harm.

"Yes, she's fine. She's with Brooke." He murmured as he pulled her into his chest and rubbed her back. He hated seeing her cry and knew she was beating herself up about what had happened. Each tiny sob broke his heart. "The most important thing to think about right now is how you're feeling. You had quite a fall."

"I'm fine. A bit of a headache, but I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Hales! You have pushed yourself to the point of exhaustion… beyond that point." he bit out in frustration, wishing he'd been more adamant about her resting instead of letting her get to the point she had.

Taken aback by his sharp words, Haley realized that she didn't have the whole story. "What else? What aren't you telling me?"

Sighing at his insensitive behavior, Nathan pulled back so that he could see her face as he explained what he knew. "I can't remember what the hell they call it, but your white cell count is down, your body is struggling to keep you well and there's a big risk of infection."

Haley sighed and slumped back against the pillow, her head throbbing.

"Neutropenia"

Nathan wasn't all that surprised that Haley knew of the condition, especially with her history. "Yeah. That's it."

"I guess that explains the scrubs… and this room," she joked half-heartedly looking around the isolation room. They'd attempted to make it look relatively normal, but it looked and felt different to her regular room. It suddenly hit her how serious this was and how easily things could have gone terribly wrong the night before.

"I'm so sorry, Nathan. When I think of what could have happened." She shuddered, remembering the difficult trip she'd made up the stairs and what would have happened if she'd blacked out on them with Gracie in her arms. "What kind of mother am I to put my daughter in danger like that?"

"Hales… don't do that."

"What? Beat myself up over the fact that my stubborn pig-headedness almost got our daughter killed?!" she cried, pulling away, swiping at her eyes angrily.

"Grace is fine, sweetheart. You had no way of knowing that would happen."

"I only just got her into her crib, Nathan. If I'd passed out a few minutes earlier we'd have tumbled down the stairs! Do you understand how serious this is! I'm a danger to my own children."

Grasping her shoulders gently, Nathan held her until she looked up at him. "Listen to me. You are a wonderful mother. I don't know anyone who could handle everything you've been through so well." She looked so miserable that he had to pull her close again, and he sighed as she wrapped her arms around his neck and burrowed her face into his shoulder.

"All this means is that we need to get some help. This infection thing is serious, babe, and you just need to concentrate on not getting sick. You have to stay here as long as Dr. Parish says and from now on you're not to lift a finger around the house unless I give you the okay. I know how much you want to be strong and do everything you can for your family, but we can't do everything ourselves anymore." He kissed her forehead softly, hoping she would understand how much he needed her to cooperate.

" We have amazing family and friends who are more than willing to offer the help we need. The most important thing for us to focus on now is to keep you… is to get you well. Please just let me take care of everything because I can't… I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you, Hales."

Haley heard the pleading in his voice and knew that she had already forgotten her need to hold on to her pride. This situation had scared the hell out of her. She'd been living with the threat of her illness for months, but it was suddenly so real sitting there in a room separated from the rest of the world in case she caught a simple infection like the common cold that could kill her.

Her fiancé was right. Being a supermom and managing her illness as well as her household and family was not important at all. No one expected it of her - she'd only expected it of herself. She didn't need to do it all. She needed to make sure that her family was safe and that she made it through this second battle with the illness that kept trying to get the better of her. She needed to get well for Nathan and their kids.

"Okay." She sniffled and took comfort in his embrace. He gave her so much strength that she wondered if she'd be able to make it through all this without him. Thankfully she wouldn't have to find out because if there was anything she was sure of, it was that Nathan would always be there for her.

~*~

"Hey buddy, it's time for bed so finish up your game, okay."

When he received no response, Nathan looked across to where JJ was playing his video game. He'd been extremely quiet all day, which was understandable when he was upset about his mother being in hospital, but it was worrying that the boy had barely uttered more than a few words since he'd come home from school.

"JJ?"

"I'm not finished." He yelled loudly, not looking away from the screen.

Nathan sighed. It was times like these when he wished Haley was here to help him. How did you handle a scared, angry little boy who didn't seem to respond to any offer of reassurance or comfort? JJ was trying his hardest to hide just how scared he was and Nathan could understand it. He'd been in the position of worrying about his mother himself and he'd been a young man by that stage, much more equipped to deal with the strain. Poor JJ was still just a little boy who had already had his father walk out on him. As much as he knew Nathan was there for him, Haley had been his whole world for all of his life and the threat of losing her would be traumatic.

Through the baby monitor, Gracie, who had been sleeping up in the nursery, whimpered before screaming loudly, obviously startled by her brother's shout. Nathan winced. The last thing he needed was an upset baby to go with the angry eight year old.

"Shut up!" JJ screamed, throwing his video game control on the floor and kicking it into the TV cabinet. "She made me crash! She always ruins everything. It's her fault I lost the game and it's her fault mom is gonna die! I hate her!"

"That's enough! You can go to your room and wait for me." Nathan said firmly. JJ crossed his arms over his chest and glared defiantly.

"Now." He added softly but with an authority that his son obviously recognized. JJ stomped up the stairs, slamming his door which only increased the baby's distress further. Nathan shook his head before going to comfort his daughter.

It had taken a while, but Grace went back to sleep and Nathan quietly left her room, making his way down the hall to JJ. Opening the door he was surprised to find the boy changed into his pajamas and under the covers. At first it seemed like he'd fallen asleep, but his breathing wasn't shallow enough for that. He was pretending.

Taking a seat on the bed, Nathan reached out a hand and stroked his son's hair. JJ opened his eyes, looking warily at Nathan and biting his lip.

"I'm sorry, Dad." He whispered on the verge of tears. "I didn't mean to wake Gracie… and I didn't mean what I said."

"I know, buddy." Nathan smiled softly. "I know you love your sister, but those feelings had to come from somewhere. I want you to tell me why you think Grace is responsible for your mom being sick."

JJ sat up and pulled his knees up against his chest. "I don't know. Mom was fine until she found out she was having a baby, then she got the cancer. "

"Oh, Josh. Your mom already had cancer before she got pregnant with your sister. In fact, it was the changes in her body while she was carrying Grace that made it easier for her to find the lump and see the doctor about it." It hadn't occurred to either parent that something as simple as timing would lead JJ to such a misguided conclusion.

"Daddy?"

As much as Nathan loved hearing that endearing word from his son, it tended to come when the boy was vulnerable and scared. He hated that JJ had to go through his.

"Yeah, buddy?"

"Is my mommy going to die?"

Nathan's heart stilled for a moment as he heard the pain and fear in his son's voice. How was he supposed to answer that? He needed to reassure him, but he didn't want to flat out lie to him either. He'd only been a parent for a year. Was that even long enough to be able to handle this stuff? Would he ever stop feeling so inadequate? Deciding to follow his gut, Nathan pulled JJ into his arms and held him tight.

"Your mom is very, very sick but we have to keep thinking positive and pray for her to get better."

"But she might die." the little boy said between sobs. It was a statement, not a question. Nathan didn't think he could have answered anyway.

Nathan didn't know what to say, but from the look in his son's eyes he could see that he already knew the answer. As he sat there holding his son and rocking him softly as he cried his little heart out, Nathan held on to every ounce of strength he had left not to fall apart. JJ needed his comfort and needed to know that he always had someone to lean on. His own tears would have to wait.

After rocking JJ to sleep, Nathan walked wearily down the hall to his room. Standing in the doorway he surveyed the empty bed and sighed. He didn't want to spend another lonely night without his fiancée. Sitting on the edge of the mattress he stared at the floor, trying not to think or feel. If he let go of his control now he didn't know how he'd pull himself back together.

The sound of his cell phone ringing had Nathan tensing. Phone calls were always stressful at the moment; his first worry that it was the hospital calling about an emergency with Haley or otherwise it was well meaning friends calling to see how he was doing… and as much as he loved that they cared, he hated talking about it. He had spent the last couple of days at the hospital, but once he left he would put all of his focus on making things as normal as possible for his children. It was too hard to do that when people called asking after Haley or seeing if he was doing okay.

"Hello?"

"Hi, sexy."

He wouldn't have thought it possible but Nathan heard himself chuckle. It was so great to hear Haley joking around, even if she did sound tired.

"Hey, baby. It's so good to hear your voice." he uttered softly with a touch of longing.

"I miss you."

'God, I miss you too, Hales."

"How are my babies?"

Nathan hesitated for only a moment before deciding to keep JJ's outburst from her. "They're both fine. Tucked away in bed asleep."

"Good. I'm sorry to call so late. I've been lying here staring at the ceiling just… thinking about things."

"Yeah?"

Haley sighed heavily, not looking forward to the conversation she was about to begin, but knowing it was necessary. She'd had these thoughts filling up her mind all day and she couldn't rest until she'd spoken to Nathan and sorted out her concerns.

"Nathan… I know you don't want to talk about some of this stuff but I need to you to just hear me out, okay?"

There was silence as Nathan held back the urge to argue, knowing already what she wanted to discuss. She'd tried to broach the topic before of her Will and making a plan for if things didn't go how they hoped and she didn't get better but Nathan had always shut her down telling her that she shouldn't focus on the 'what-ifs' and just think positively. He should have expected that this setback would bring those thoughts back to the forefront of her mind.

"Okay." He agreed reluctantly.

"Thank you. I'm not trying to scare you and I really hope everything is going to be okay… but I'm lying in a hospital bed unable to do much more than sleep or watch TV, isolated from everyone and everything. This is just so real now, Nathan. You saw how quickly things can change and I want to be ready. I need to be ready and to have that peace of mind that I've done everything I can to make it as easy as possible for you all."

Nathan couldn't prevent the bitter laugh from escaping. "Easy? You think anything we talk about now is going to make it easy?"

Haley swallowed hard and fought back the tears threatening to spill.

"God, I'm sorry, Hales. I shouldn't have said that. I know this is important to you."

"It's okay. I understand why you hate talking about it. I do, too… but we need to do this."

"Alright, let's talk then." He said softly, secretly glad that she wasn't there to see him in this moment.

"Well firstly, we spoke about you adopting JJ a while ago but then things got crazy and we haven't discussed it since. We both want to do it and I know he'll be thrilled so I think we should get the ball rolling on that as soon as possible."

Haley heard her voice break a little and cursed herself for it. As much as she needed to organize this, she wished it were under happier circumstances. She knew that Nathan officially becoming JJ's father should be cause for celebration, but instead it was becoming a matter of precaution. There was a real fear of Haley's illness overcoming her which made it important to push the adoption forward so that there would be no question over guardianship. It would also be imperative that her son feel secure. Losing his mother would be frightening enough without feeling insecure about his place in their family.

"You know how much I love our son and how much I want to adopt him. I'll call the lawyers tomorrow." He promised, amazed at how great it felt to be able to do anything to please her.

"Thank you, Nathan." she said and he could hear the smile in her voice.

"The other thing is that I need to update my Will. I haven't made any changes since we got together so it doesn't include you or Gracie."

"Of course. We'll organize a meeting when you come home."

There was a long pause before Haley responded, this time unable to mask hide the fact that she was crying. "No. I want it done straightaway. Can you make a time for my lawyer to come to the hospital with you. I want you there, too."

He could barely breathe. It hurt to take a breath as he realized that she was so worried about her health that she was considering the possibility that she might not even make it out of the hospital let alone beat this disease. "Hales…"

"Please, Nathan. Please do this for me."

That quiet, heartbreaking plea was all it took for him to acquiesce to her wishes. He promised to organize it for the next afternoon.

"You should get some sleep, baby."

"I am feeling tired." She admitted with a small yawn. "I love you."

"I love you so much, Hales." He whispered trying not to show how upset he was.

"Goodnight."

"See you tomorrow, Beautiful. Sweet dreams."

Flipping his cell shut, Nathan threw it on the bed before making his way into the en suite. Turning on the water first, he then stripped off before stepping into the hot spray. As stupid as it was, he felt himself hoping that the water would wash away some of the fear and grief that he was feeling. It was only then, closed off in the small steam filled room with the sound of gushing water to cover his sobs that Nathan finally let himself break down. Sliding to the floor, he tucked his knees up into his chest just as his son had done earlier and laid his head on his arms, crying more violently than he ever had before.


	29. Home Sweet Home

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _Thanks again to everyone who is still reading and reviewing. You're ongoing support means a lot to me. I need to give a big thank you to **Di** (paradiseblue) for being a wonderful beta and giving some great feedback._

* * *

Nathan stood in the doorway, leaning against it as he watched his fiancée fidget with her jewelry. He was fifteen minutes early and yet she was all packed up and ready to go, looking bored and impatient as she sat on the edge of the hospital bed.

"Hey, Beautiful. You ready to come home?"

She looked up immediately at the sound of his voice and smiled widely. "God, yes. Get me out of here." She laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck as he pulled her into an embrace. "I can't wait to get home to my family."

"And we can't wait to have you back, baby." Nathan whispered into her hair knowing he should probably let her go, but needing to hold her a little longer.

It had been two weeks since she'd been brought into the hospital and although she'd been in the clear for a few days now, with her white blood cell count high enough to signal she was no longer at risk of succumbing to infection, their troubles were far from over. His heart still lurched painfully thinking about it. Even with that fantastic news, and being able to look forward to Haley's return home, he was having trouble dealing with the reality of just how ill she'd become, how suddenly they'd almost lost her and how much worse it could have been... and could still get in the future. She may be okay now, but her Chemo had been pushed back to allow her body time to recover and there was still a long road ahead of them.

He remembered the night he'd lost it in their bathroom, crying for hours, unable to stop the steady flow of tears. It was like the tears he'd been holding in for months, trying to shield Haley and JJ from his own grief, were finally released and he could only be thankful they hadn't been around to see it. JJ had been scared enough as it was and the reality was that having Haley so determined to go through with the adoption 'just in case' and seeing their son so terrified about losing his mother had been enough to push him over the edge and make him lose the control he'd held onto for so long. He actually felt a lot better after that night. He'd let himself feel his worry and grief and it somehow gave him even more strength to move forward and help his fiancée get through all of this.

"How's JJ?" she asked anxiously.

Nathan had eventually told her about how upset JJ had been and even though he'd assured her that their son was now back to his normal happy self and excitedly awaiting her return, she couldn't help worrying about him. They'd decided to talk to him today about the adoption. The subject had been raised before but now they would be able to tell him that it was going to be official and very shortly the paperwork would all be complete. Her little boy was going to be over the moon. Although, she didn't think her son's feelings about it could outshine her fiancé's. Nathan loved Joshua with all his heart and she knew that he couldn't be happier or prouder to legally adopt the boy.

"I've already seen the doctor, been to the hospital pharmacy for my medication and signed the paperwork. Let's get out of here." She said with a note of excitement in her voice.

"Okay… but I've seen the doctor too and he's told me exactly what needs to be done from here out so no trying to trick me into letting you do things you shouldn't. For the next two weeks you are under house arrest. You're not to do anything more strenuous than feeding Gracie or changing a diaper" He placed his hands on either side of her face tenderly. "Okay?"

"Okay… But you can't do everything on your own, Nathan." She countered softly, not wanting to argue. After the scare she'd had, Haley was happy to do whatever the doctors told her to, but she just couldn't stand the thought of Nathan pushing himself to do everything.

"I won't be doing everything. Karen and Brooke have set up a schedule for everyone. We don't have to worry about cooking meals or racing JJ around to school or his other activities. For the next few weeks, it's all going to be taken care of. All we have to do is concentrate on looking after our kids and getting you better."

As much as it was in her nature to reject people doing things for her, Haley was grateful for the support of their family and friends. She'd learned her lesson and wouldn't push herself too hard again.

"Sounds good to me." She said, kissing him softly. "Now, can we please go home?"

"Anything you want, baby." Nathan promised, lifting up her bag and wrapping his free arm around her waist. He just hoped they wouldn't be back any time soon.

~*~

"How long noooow?" JJ whined as he followed his Grandpa Jimmy into the kitchen.

""Well it's about two minutes less than the last time you asked me, Sport." Jimmy laughed, ruffling the boy's hair. "Why don't we play that Box-Station game until they get home?"

JJ giggled at his grandfather's obvious lack of video game knowledge and shook his head. His mom was coming home from the hospital today and he knew he couldn't concentrate on a game when he was so excited.

Karen shook her head with a smile as she rocked baby Grace in her arms. It was no surprise the boy was impatient. He and Nathan had been anxiously waiting for days now for the doctors to give Haley the okay to go home and the better part of their morning had been spent clock-watching.

Nathan had told her that JJ had woken at four in the morning, creeping into his and Haley's room to ask if it was nearly time to pick up his mother yet. Promising that it wasn't too long to go, Nathan had let the boy climb into bed with him and watched him fall asleep, knowing that it would be the only thing to help time go faster for the excited child.

"Hello?"

JJ's eyes lit up as he heard his mother's voice calling from the front door.

"Mom!"

Haley grinned widely as her son came racing towards her. She wrapped her arms around him, holding onto him like she never wanted to let him go. It was so amazing to be in her own home again after two weeks in the hospital and she was sure she was going to start crying tears of relief any moment.

"It's so good to see you, sweetheart. I've missed you so much." She knew it was kind of ridiculous considering Nathan had brought him in to see her only two days ago, but it felt like a lifetime. And it was so different to seeing her child at home. She missed this normalcy where she could be with her family without the constant reminders of her illness that were present in her hospital room.

"I missed you more. I hate it when you're away, Mom."

"Me too, baby. I love you." She whispered, leaning down to kiss his hair.

"There's my Pumpkin." Jimmy said affectionately before hugging his daughter tightly. It felt so good to feel her in his arms; that physical reassurance that she was okay was something he needed to stop himself worrying. He'd been doing his best to keep on a brave face for everyone, but he'd spent the past couple of weeks terrified for his child. It was so damn good to have her home again.

"Hi, Dad. Thanks for all of your help these past weeks."

"I'd do anything for you, Haley. Anything you ever need, you just ask." He promised, kissing her forehead before glancing across at Karen and chuckling, "I believe Karen might hit me if I don't let her in for a hug soon."

Haley grinned widely at the older woman and went immediately into her open arms. Karen had been the mother she needed for seven years now and she was overwhelmed by that feeling of just needing a mother's embrace.

"Oh, Sweetheart, it's so good to have you home."

"Thanks, Karen." She replied, hugging her tightly before pulling back and looking into her eyes, "For everything."

"You're like my only daughter, Haley. You know you can rely on me for anything." Wiping away a tear, Karen chastised herself, "Now look what you've done. You got me all emotional."

"I love you, Karen." Haley said softly.

"Oh… I love you, too."

"Okay, okay. Enough with the waterworks. I think there's someone over here who wants her mommy." Jimmy announced, carrying his granddaughter in his arms.

"Gracie." Haley whispered reverently, taking the pink bundle into her arms. Her precious baby girl looked up at her with her daddy's blue eyes and gave her mama a big heart-melting smile. She'd worried about being away from her baby for so long during Grace's early development, scared that her daughter would forget her. Nathan had told her not to worry and that Gracie would always know who her mommy was, but until she gave her that big gummy smile, Haley hadn't quite been convinced.

"Hello, angel. Your mama missed you like crazy."

Nathan couldn't stop smiling at the sight of his fiancée and daughter. It felt so right having Haley back home, holding their baby and crooning to her in that soft voice of hers. Their house had felt so empty without her, even though they'd had more visitors around to help them than ever before. It just wasn't the same without Haley's warm, loving presence in the house.

"Why don't you sit down with Gracie while I grab her a bottle? You can feed her while we get lunch ready. Are you hungry?" he asked, anxiously. She hadn't been eating much at the hospital, but the doctor said her appetite should return a little now that she was feeling better.

"I'm starving. The hospital food still hasn't improved any. If that's not an incentive to stay out of the hospital, I don't know what is." She joked, kissing his cheek before focusing her attention back on her daughter.

The next few hours were spent in the lounge room with Haley nestled into Nathan's side on the sofa, Gracie in her arms and JJ alternating between sitting with them and playing video games. Karen and Jimmy had stayed, wanting to spend time with Haley before leaving the family alone, and the two of them had thought of every possible need, having prepared lunch and dinner, done the laundry, pre-prepared Grace's bottles and even offered to baby-sit if Haley wanted a quiet night, but she'd graciously refused their offer. Yes, she was tired, and as per doctors orders she was going to take things easy, but she couldn't bear the thought of missing out on time with her kids today.

Not longer after Karen and Jimmy had left, Brooke had called to see if her friend felt well enough for a visit. As much as she missed her friend, Haley wanted to spend the day alone with her family and was glad that she and Brooke were close enough that she could tell her truth, without having to worry about hurting her feelings. They'd arranged a visit for the following day and she was looking forward to having one of their regular gossip sessions.

"So… does it feel as good as you thought it would? Being home?" Nathan asked later that afternoon as they watched Gracie sleeping peacefully in her crib.

Curling into his side as his arm wrapped possessively about her waist, Haley sighed happily. "Even better."

"Do you think we should talk to JJ now that the munchkin's down for her nap?"

"Yeah. Let's do it." Haley beamed, rubbing his tummy the way she knew he liked.

"Hey, you'd better stop that or I'll be making JJ take a nap so we can have some 'non nap-time' in our room." Nathan whispered, as he kissed her neck.

Haley wanted to cry in frustration, knowing that as tempting as his threat was, there would be no alone time for them until after JJ had gone to bed. Considering she'd been barely able to pull the energy to stay awake just over a week ago, it surprised her how much she wanted to make love with her husband. They could go slow and not worry about her exerting herself too much. God, she couldn't wait.

Watching his fiancée's face flush a rosy pink, Nathan smirked at the obvious direction her thoughts were going. "Are you blushing, baby?"

Swatting him playfully, Haley gave a poor attempt a scowl as she back towards the door. "Stop teasing or you'll miss out."

"You know you can't resist me, Hales." He called out as she exited the nursery. He shook his head and laughed, loving their playfulness. "God, I love that woman."

~*~

Haley and Nathan sat on the sofa in the lounge room waiting for JJ who they'd called for a couple of minutes earlier. He was practicing his free throws in the yard and told them that he wanted to get to five in a row before he finished. By the sound of the hollering coming through the screen door, he'd just achieved his goal.

"I did it, Dad! Five in a row!"

"That's awesome, buddy. I told you, you were going to master it." Nathan said proudly, ruffling his son's hair.

Turning to his mother, JJ grinned widely. "Do you think I'll be as a good as Dad some day?"

"Oh I think so. You're a natural, honey."

JJ looked to his father with a skeptical smile. They both knew Haley had a limited knowledge of the game or what made a good player, but no matter what her son pursued, she'd support him whole heartedly, being his cheerleader and biggest fan.

"Why don't you come and sit down here for a minute?" Haley asked softly, patting the sofa between where she and Nathan sat.

JJ eyed them warily, a strange scary feeling building in his stomach. The last time they'd sat him down to talk here they'd told him about his mom's cancer. He tried not to remember it because it made him sad, but this reminded him exactly of that day.

"What's wrong?" he whispered, his lower lip trembling as he tried not to cry. Big boys don't cry and even when he did it was always when he was alone or only in front of Nathan. He would never let his mom see him cry because he was supposed to look after her, not make her worry.

Haley realized immediately what was running through her son's mind and she quickly reached out and pulled him into her arms. "Oh, baby. Nothing's wrong. We didn't mean to scare you."

"I'm not scared." He replied adamantly with a scowl that she found completely adorable. Her little boy was so brave.

"Alright, but it's okay to be scared, though… if you ever do feel that way." She said softly. "And if you do, you can come and talk to me or dad about it."

The boy looked at Nathan, the two of them acknowledging how JJ had already turned to his father. He knew he could talk to them and while he didn't feel comfortable worrying his mother; he already knew that he could go to his dad. He always seemed to make things better.

"I know. So you promise nothing's wrong? You don't have to go back to the hospital?" the boy asked skeptically.

Nathan spoke up this time, patting the boy's shoulder. "No, buddy, we promise it's not bad. We've actually got something good to talk to you about. At least we hope you think it's a good thing."

Haley guided JJ to sit between them and turned inwardly to face him. "So, Dad and I have been talking about something for quite a while and it affects you so we wanted to sit down and see how you feel about it."

"Okay." JJ replied, glancing between them curiously.

Nathan cleared his throat, suddenly feeling unsure of himself. Not unsure of his decision, but JJ's reaction to it and how to discuss it. "You know, one of the best moments of my entire life was the time you asked me if you could call me dad."

"Really?" JJ asked, feeling pretty special that he made such a good moment for his dad.

"Definitely. I've loved you as a son for a long time now, JJ, and knowing that you think of me as your father means the world to me."

"You're the best dad ever." JJ replied, hugging Nathan tightly.

"I'm glad you think so, because I'd like to make it official. I'd like to adopt you, JJ, so the whole world knows that you're my son and I'm your dad."

"Cool!" he exclaimed, grinning at his parents.

"Do you understand exactly what an adoption is, sweetheart?" Haley asked, trying not to cry. She couldn't believe how lucky she was to have found a man who could love not only her, with all his heart, but her son as well. He'd given her everything she could ever hope for and to know that her son now had a loving father, who he adored to the point of hero-worship, filled her with so much joy she couldn't help but feel the tears well up.

JJ nodded his head enthusiastically. "Yep. Christopher in my class is adopted. Except he got adopted when he was a baby, not a grown up kid like me. It's when your mom or dad isn't around anymore and someone else who loves you signs a piece of paper that says you're their kid now and that they'll love you and look after you. Right?"

Nathan and Haley shared a smile, pleased with their son's simplified wording that showed that he understood the general concept and how it would it apply to him.

"That's right. So you're okay with it?"

"Yep. It'll be awesome. Do I get to be a Scott now? Do I get to have Scott on the back of my basketball jersey?"

"Is that what you want?" Nathan asked carefully, not wanting to put any pressure on the boy even though he'd been hoping that JJ would want to change his surname to match his own.

"Yeah! Scott's are the best. You're cool and so is Uncle Luke, plus Gracie is already a Scott and when you and mom get married she'll be one too. I don't wanna be the only one left out."

"You'll never be left out, buddy. This family wouldn't work without you, and I'd love it if you changed your name to Scott."

"When do I get adopted? Can I change my name now? I can't wait to tell Jenny."

"Well we have to finish all the paperwork but it should be official soon." Haley replied, hugging her son who was still smiling excitedly. The boy pulled back and looked at his mother intently.

"So, when are you getting married? I want us all to be Scotts, Mom."

Haley glanced across at Nathan, curious to see his expression. He'd been trying to get her to marry him for months and months now and she'd been putting it off, for what she now realized were stupid reasons. It didn't matter if she wasn't looking her healthiest or hadn't had reconstructive surgery before their big day. All that mattered was that the two of them were there; ready to commit to each other and their family. She noticed that Nathan had looked down, obviously trying to hide his feelings on the matter. He'd stopped mentioning the wedding, trying his best not to pressure her and she loved him for it. She couldn't wait to tell him so, but it felt like a conversation for just the two of them, so she quickly looked back at her son with a smile.

"We're not sure yet, honey, but I can't wait to be a Scott either. Now it's almost dinner time, so why don't you go wash up and then come back down to eat."

"Okay, mom." He complied, but she could see he wanted a better answer than the one he'd been given.

"Well that went well." She said, stroking Nathan's cheek.

"Yep. Really well." He agreed with a grin. "I still can't believe this is my life."

"Lucked out, didn't ya?" she laughed, giving him a smacking kiss on the lips.

"I sure did." He replied, pulling her onto his lap. "I know how lucky I am, Hales… and I know that you love me, so I don't want you to worry about the wedding stuff. We can wait as long as you want to. I have everything I could ever want right here. I want to be your husband so bad, but it's like icing on the cake, baby. I'm a happy man as I am now."

"I love you, Nathan Scott." Haley whispered, kissing him softly.

"I love you, too, Hales." He said, kissing her more deeply. He pulled away with a groan. "Now let's eat dinner and get our boy to bed before I lose my mind with wanting you." he growled playfully, lifting her off his lap and patting her butt.

"Aw, I know you can't resist me, Nathan," She quipped, taunting him with his earlier words and looking pointedly at the obvious bulge in his pants. "But you'll just have to wait." She said saucily, swinging her hips as she sauntered out of the room.

~*~

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Nathan asked as he entered the kitchen with Jake in tow.

"Ask me that one more time, Nathan Scott, and there'll be trouble." Haley growled, trying not to laugh. She'd been asked that question countless times in the one day she'd been home from the hospital, and even though the doctors had advised she was no longer suffering from a dangerous low white cell count, and therefore in no extra danger of contracting an illness, she knew that her family and friends were still upset over everything that had happened in the past couple of weeks.

Nathan smiled ruefully and squatted beside his fiancée who was feeding their daughter her bottle. "I'm sorry. I know it drives you nuts, I just worry."

"I know." Haley lifted her free hand and stroked his face. "And I love you for it… but Gracie and I will be fine without you for a couple of hours."

"Yeah… they're in capable hands." Brooke added, smirking at her friends.

"Oh God. Now I'm more scared than ever." Nathan joked, dodging the grape promptly thrown at him for his comment.

"C'mon, man." Jake chuckled, after kissing his wife on the cheek. "You do not want to mess with her today. Pregnancy hormones… you know what I mean?"

"I heard that, husband!" Brooke yelled as the two men went outside calling for JJ and Jenny so that they could take them down to the Rivercourt for a couple of hours.

Once they were gone, Brooke leaned over the table with an excited grin. "Okay, so I managed to get us some alone time. What's with the cloak and dagger stuff? I love a good secret."

Haley laughed, her body shaking as Gracie let go of the teet of her bottle, giving her mother an indignant little glare for interrupting her feed. Her daughter was going to be a real handful when she grew up.

"Don't be so dramatic. I just said I didn't want Nathan or JJ hearing."

"Mmhmm… so what is it?"

"I need a favor."

"Ooh. What kind of favor?"

"I need you to design me a dress."

The brunette's eyes lit up and she clapped her hands, bouncing up and down in her seat. "Yay! Oh my God, do you have an idea in mind, or do you want me to come up with something… because I have a few new sketches at home for some designs that I've come up with recently and there's this absolutely gorgeous evening dress with these ribbons straps that would look amazing on you. It's actually kind of perfect because it's modest enough to help hide your mastectomy bras but still sexy as hell. I can totally see you in it. I hadn't decided on a color for it, but I think it'd be fabulous in Jade green with your eyes and complexion."

Haley smiled at her friend's enthusiasm but knew she needed to interrupt before Brooke had the dress made and delivered to her door without allowing her to get a word in.

"Brooke!"

"Yeah?" she asked, jotting down some ideas on a notepad she'd grabbed from her purse.

"I've already chosen a color."

"Oh… okay. I suppose I was getting away with myself there. What color do you want?"

"White."

"Ooh… you look fabulous in white, Haley. Not many women can pull it off, you know, but you've got a great figure… and an ass to die for. No wonder Nathan's always trying to feel it up."

The blonde blushed and tried to cover up her embarrassment by glancing down at her daughter who was now suckling lightly, drifting off to sleep as she finished the last of her milk.

"Okay, so it's going to be white. I can do that. I have some amazing fabric swatches at home that you can take a look at…" Brooke looked up with a suspicious glint in her eye. "What's this dress for?"

"My wedding." She replied with a little shrug.

"Oh My God!" Brooke squealed, jumping out of her chair and running around to hug her friend. "You set a date! This is sooo exciting. So he finally wore you down, huh?"

Haley glanced down, thankful that Gracie had drifted off and hadn't been woken. "Shhh. They can probably hear you all the way over at the Rivercourt."

Grimacing apologetically, Brooke sat back down but continued her questioning. "So, when did this happen? How did he finally get you to set a date?"

"Actually… Nathan doesn't know. I'm going to surprise him."

"A surprise wedding?" Brooke asked in awe as though the concept was the most ingenious thing she'd ever heard.

"Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead. JJ asked last night when we were going to get married and I suddenly knew that it was the right thing to do it straightaway. I don't want to wait anymore, Brooke. I thought there were so many things holding me back, but I think most of it was to do with my image issues. I couldn't bear the thought of not looking like a picture-perfect glowing bride on the big day. I think I imagined waiting until after all my chemo and possibly a breast reconstruction so I could wear a strapless gown and not feel like less of a woman, you know? But having that scare and being in hospital has made me see how unimportant all of that stuff is. I know Nathan will think I look beautiful no matter what and I honestly believe that I'll feel beautiful. God, the way he looks at me, Brooke, how could I not feel gorgeous?"

"You are gorgeous! And yes, Nathan hasn't even noticed that other women exist on this planet since he first laid eyes on you. And that man is desperate to marry you, Haley. I'm so glad you've made this decision!"

"Do you think a surprise wedding is a good idea, though? That was a totally spur of the moment idea. Obviously I haven't mentioned anything to him, but I hadn't really planned on keeping it a secret either. I just wanted to get started early on a dress. I may be feeling a little differently about things now, but I still want to look good!" Haley laughed, feeling girly and loving the excited butterfly feeling in her stomach.

"Oh please, you're going to look fabulous. You'll be wearing a Brooke Davis original! And of course you should have a surprise wedding! It would be amazing. Can you imagine Nate's face if we tricked him into meeting somewhere and he finds you in a wedding gown… it'd be priceless. It's perfect, don't you think?"

Haley was surprised to find herself actually considering the idea. Brooke was right. Doing this for Nathan as a surprise was a great idea. It would probably be a bit tricky organizing the details, but with the help of their friends and family, she could probably pull it off.

"You don't think he'll be a little upset that he missed out on planning everything and having time to prepare?" she asked, a little worried that doing this without him might not be what he'd want.

"Are you kidding me? That man wants to put a ring on your finger so bad he wouldn't care if you kidnapped him, took him to Vegas and made him get married in a pink tutu by a lame Elvis impersonator. He just wants to be your husband. Full stop. End of story. That's all folks."

She felt a familiar thrill of excitement knowing how much Nathan loved her and wanted her to be his wife. She loved knowing how much it meant to him. The feeling was almost euphoric.

"Oh c'mon. I'm going to die of anticipation over here. Are we planning a secret wedding?"

Haley shrugged and let out a laugh of disbelief. "Yeah, I think we are. We're planning a secret wedding."


	30. One Perfect Day

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**AN:** _Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last update. This is the second last chapter, with just an epilogue to go. I'm not quite sure how I feel about wrapping this fic up, but it's time to do so. I need to give a big thank you **Dawnie** (BabbleBaby) for her encouragement and feedback, Kris for her support and to **Di** (paradiseblue) for giving me feedback and being a awesome beta._

* * *

"So, you happy?" Luke glanced across at his brother in the passenger seat as he slowed down for an amber light coming up ahead.

"That was unbelievable. I can't believe this is actually going to happen. It's only been two months since the idea came to us and here we are, with a signed contract."

"I know. You should be proud, Nate. I may have helped you get some meetings set up, but this is your baby… and you were awesome in there. Not only did you get them to agree to a basketball camp for talented players in the Tree Hill school district, but they actually came around to your insistence that they also open it up to kids from some of the outer, disadvantaged communities. This opportunity could change some of these kids' lives. Do you remember how some of those boys out at Oak Ridge community school went from glaring at us to giving us their full attention when you spoke to them about the camp?"

"I'm pretty sure that had more to do with the Bobcats newest player being there with me, Luke. Without you there they probably would have walked out… or thrown stuff at me." Nathan chuckled remembering how quickly the kids' demeanors changed once they realized they had 'The Lucas Scott' in their gym.

"Speaking of your admirers…" Nathan cocked his head towards the driver's window where two women in a convertible were sending less than subtle looks their way.

"Damn, we must look good in these suits." Luke put on his sexiest smirk that had both women giggling in seconds.

"This is why you've decided to play again, isn't it? It makes it easier for you to pull women."

"Well who wouldn't want attention from women who look like that?" Luke's lecherous expression was enough to make his brother laugh out loud.

"Not me. The only person I want looking at me like that is Haley. I don't care about anyone else, but if Hales is still looking at me like I'm the sexiest man alive when we're old and grey, I'll be a very happy man."

Luke smiled at his brother before the lights changed and he sent a quick wave to the women in the car beside them before they drove off.

"Yeah, I get that. And as much as the attention can be pretty awesome sometimes, I'd rather have what you guys have. God, I really want what you and Hales have. Why do you think I was such a jackass and made moves on Brooke even though she was so into Jake that I never had a chance? I just wanted to have my 'the one' and I wanted it so badly that I convinced myself Brooke was the one that got away."

"You'll find her, Luke. I never dreamed I'd meet Haley. Ever since everything happened with Mom dying and us not speaking anymore, I went years not making any real connections with anybody, and I honestly thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Then I moved back home and this amazing little boy came into my life and I felt a real connection for the first time in years."

"JJ." Luke murmured thinking about the close bond between his brother and his son.

And just when I was getting used to that, his mother came and turned my world upside down. I knew the moment that I saw her that she was supposed to be mine. God, it was torture when she refused to date. I wanted to be with her so badly, but I didn't want to push her. As soon as we went on our first date it was all over for me. My previous life was done. There was no life without her and JJ for me anymore. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her."

"And you will. I'm sure she'll be ready for this marriage stuff soon enough."

"The marriage and the wedding don't matter anymore, although being able to call her my wife is going to be awesome. It's the getting to be with her for the rest of my life that matters now. What if I only get to be with her for the rest of her life? What if that's not long enough?"

Luke heard the pain and worry in his brother's whispered words and felt his heart ache.

"Things are going well for her, Nate. Her doctors still haven't found any sign of the cancer having spread and unless that changes, they say she'll be through with the Chemotherapy within three months. They got it all, Nate. I know they did. She's going to be fine and you will get your dream of having Haley looking at you like you're a hot young stud, even when you're old and grey and look more like a dried up apricot."

"Thanks, Luke." Nathan smiled at his brother and then glanced down at his new suit. "You know, Haley and I haven't been out in a while. Maybe I should call her and tell her to get a little dressed up. I can take her out to lunch. As you pointed out earlier, I don't dress up often even though she loves me in a suit. We should do something special today. It feels like a special day."

Luke hid a smirk. "It sure does."

~*~

"Was that Luke?"

Brooke rolled her eyes and hid a grin as she adjusted the bottom of her friend's wedding dress. "Yes, Haley. For the hundredth time, I've got it under control. Now would you stop worrying?"

"What about the celebrant?"

"She's downstairs with Karen, where she's been for the past half hour."

"Okay. Okay. What about Tay? Have she and Rick arrived yet? Dad said their flight had been delayed."

Releasing a loud sigh of impatience, Brooke stood and placed her hands on her hips. "Oh for God's sake, Haley. Their flight was delayed yesterday morning. They arrived last night and are downstairs with Jimmy. If you don't chill the hell out, I'm going to ring Nathan and just ruin the surprise for you, seeing as though you seem to be so convinced that nothing is going to go to plan anyway!"

Haley bit her lip and let out a chuckle. "I'm sorry, Brooke. I know I'm being a Bridezilla… but I just want this to be perfect for him. We've gone a whole two months without spilling the beans and I'd hate for it to get ruined today."

Brooke reached for her friend's hands. "Nothing is going to be ruined. Luke says everything went well in the meeting and your very-soon-to-be husband is really excited about it. He's all suited up and looking gorgeous and Luke is driving him straight back here as we speak. Seeing as though he had to spend the night away from you in Charlotte, he's anxious to get back. I'd say we've got about twenty minutes to calm you down and have you ready to get hitched."

Taking a deep breath, Haley nodded, feeling a lot less stressed. Not only was today wonderful because it was her wedding day, she was excited for Nathan. What had started out as looking for an excuse for Luke to get Nathan out of the way more often so that they could make wedding plans, had actually resulted in her fiancé coming up with the idea for his basketball camp. Luke had begun taking him along to contract negotiations and some meet and greet drinks in Charlotte for his new team, the Bobcats, telling his brother he needed the moral support, when he was really just under orders from his soon-to-be sister-in-law to get Nathan out of the house for a while. Otherwise he was doting on her twenty-four seven, which was actually kind of nice, but did not allow her any sneaky time to make plans with Brooke or Karen or her dad… or any of their other friends and family who were all in on the surprise. Luke had even made sure to have the contract signing on this very morning so the house could be set up for the wedding and he could get Nathan into a suit without arousing any suspicions. He'd made it so easy for her.

Actually, everyone had. It really did seem they all had it under control. She wasn't sure why she was so worried to begin with. Since she'd included Brooke, Karen, Jimmy and Luke in their plans, they'd all pulled together to help her organize what was going to be one of the best days of her life. Besides telling them all what she wanted, she'd barely had to lift a finger. It was like having an army of her very own personal wedding planners. Knowing how much this day meant to them, and how much they wanted to see her and Nathan happy, was overwhelming. With all the troubles in her past and feeling so out of place within her own family, Haley couldn't believe how lucky she'd been in finding and creating a new one.

"Oh my." Haley turned when she heard Jimmy's voice, filled with awe. "You look so beautiful, sweetheart."

Holding back the tears, Haley laughed and hugged her father. "It's not like it's the first time you've seen me in a wedding dress." She deadpanned. He'd been teasing her for the past two months every time he'd been assigned a task, asking if she was sure this would be the last wedding he had to help with because he was certain there must be some rule in the daddy handbook that stated he only had to go through this hoopla once and he was already onto round two.

Jimmy laughed, but then turned to her and spoke with all seriousness. "This is nothing like before, honey. When you married Mitchell you were caught up in the excitement of the day itself and everything happening around you. You were caught up in realizing a dream you'd had since you were a little girl, one that I admit your mother and I instilled in you. That day wasn't about your love for Mitchell; it was about beginning your 'perfect life' with the 'perfect boy next door'. It wasn't real."

Haley stood shocked, her mouth gaping at the wisdom and truth in her father's words. She'd never been able to analyze exactly what had been going on inside her heart and head when she was younger, especially when she had decided to marry so young, but he'd summed it up perfectly.

Looking up at him she smiled. "This is real."

"Oh, I know it is. I don't think I've ever seen anything more real between two people. I'm so happy for you."

"Oh, Daddy." She was in his arms again, hugging like she didn't ever want to let go. It was so amazing to have her father back after years of estrangement… but it did make the absence of her mother all the more real.

"It's weird, and would probably be awkward, especially for you, but I kind of wish Mom could be here."

She read the guilt in her father's eyes and hated that he felt like his ex-wife's behavior was his responsibility.

"Daddy, don't. You are not the reason she didn't come. She knows she is welcome to be a part of my life if she can just let go of the notion that I've betrayed her; that I should still be with Mitchell even after everything he did. I know she's hurting because you left and came here to be with me, but I told her that if she can accept my decision to leave Mitchell and make a new life for myself, that I'd find a place for her in it."

"I don't think your mother has it in her to change, Pumpkin. Her world and looking respectable to the people in it have always mattered too much." Jimmy stroked her cheek.

"I know. And as much as it's hurt me in the past, that hurt fades more and more each day. I have a new family now, and Karen has been more of a mother to me than Mom ever was. And I have you."

"Always."

Brooke entered the room again after having left to give father and daughter a few minutes alone. Her smirk took away from the air of annoyance she was trying to achieve as she stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. "Hey. You're not allowed to make the bride cry, Jimmy. You're going to ruin all my hard work on her makeup."

"Is it time?" Haley asked, her voice filled with a mixture of excitement and anxiousness.

"Yep. Luke's car just pulled into the drive."

~*~

"Hales? JJ?"

Nathan glanced around the empty kitchen and frowned when he got no response. He heard the back door open a few moments later and smiled as his son entered the room.

"Dad!" JJ ran to his father and wrapped his arms around him.

"Hey, buddy. Looking sharp. What's with the suit? Are you coming out with your mom and me?"

Shaking his head with a cheeky smile, JJ grabbed his father's hand and pulled him through the house. "We're not going to lunch. We've got something more important to do."

"Much more important." Luke followed them both with a grin a mile wide.

The smiling faces of all of his friends and family hit him first and he gave them a bemused smile in return. He knew he was seeing Taylor and her husband Rick standing next to Brooke, Jake and Jenny, all of them dressed up quite formally, but none of it was making any sense. It took a moment for him to take in the whole picture, to notice the carpeted aisle with chairs on either side leading up to an arch with was covered with a creeping vine and combination of pink and white flowers.

"We're making Mom a Scott." JJ's grin was infectious.

Heart racing, Nathan closed his eyes and said a silent prayer of thanks for fulfilling one of his greatest wishes. He couldn't believe it. How was this happening? They hadn't even discussed getting married for months. Did Haley know about this, or was she going to be just as shocked as him?

"Surprised?" JJ asked, jumping like a jellybean on the balls of his feet.

"Very. I can't believe it."

Karen beamed at him from the front of the aisle as she rocked Gracie in her arms. Nathan knew he sported a goofy grin when he saw his daughter dressed in a gorgeous pink silk dress with a matching headband and booties. Instinctively, he moved towards her, JJ's hand in his as he walked.

"Hey, Princess. Aren't you just the prettiest little girl there ever was?" There were a number of 'awwws' issued from surrounding female guests but Nathan didn't hear them. As always, his daughter had all of his attention.

"Does Haley know?" he asked Karen as she took the baby back into her arms when the celebrant announced it was time to begin.

"She planned it."

Shaking his head in wonder and joy at the thought of his fiancée organizing all of this for them, Nathan watched everyone take their seats as Jake sat on a chair to the side of the arch and began to play a beautiful tune on his guitar. Nathan had no idea what it was, didn't know much about music at all, but he knew he'd never forget because it was the music that brought his bride to him. All heads turned towards the house as Haley came down the steps off the back porch on her father's arm.

When she smiled at him, his heart stopped and he knew he'd carry that image of her with him forever. She was a goddess in a flowing white dress that fit perfectly to her petite, but curvaceous body, and her blonde curls cascading down around her shoulders. She wore no jewelry; she didn't need it. Her eyes had always been like sparkling jewels to him and she required no further adornments because nothing could shine brighter than the happiness in her eyes and her glowing smile.

He couldn't take his eyes off her. It was only when Jimmy unlinked their arms and presented his youngest daughter to him, that he realized his participation was needed.

"I'd tell you to look after my baby-girl… but I don't need to." Jimmy nodded his approval and took a seat next to Karen and his grandchildren.

Taking Haley's soft hand in his, he leaned forward and kissed her lips. "You're a Goddess."

Her heart leapt at his words. She had worried for so long about not feeling beautiful enough on her big day, but the way he'd watched her walk down that aisle as though nothing and no one else existed made her feel more beautiful than she ever had in her life.

"You look pretty amazing yourself." Her eyes travelled over the charcoal suit he had on and all of a sudden she couldn't wait to get him out of it. Her face flushed as she realized the thoughts she was having while standing in front of all of her friends and family.

"Are we ready to start?"

Haley nodded, excited to begin.

"Actually. not yet." Nathan winked at his startled fiancée before turning to their audience. "I thought maybe our children could be a part of this, too."

Glancing over at JJ and Gracie, Haley beamed and nodded her head before Nathan went to pick up his daughter and told his son to come and stand with them.

"Okay. Now we're ready."

~*~

"I'm a little jealous of you, Sis. Your wedding is better than mine and you probably won't be still paying yours off when your kids are in college."

Haley, who had been watching JJ dancing with his Aunt Karen, smiled at her sister who was holding Gracie in her arms. Taylor's stomach was showing clearly now and although she had been a wild one growing up, and not considered the most likely of mothers, Haley could see her sister was going to be an excellent mom.

"Yeah, it was perfect. I wouldn't have changed anything."

"When Nathan had the kids stand up there with you, I thought I was going to cry. And I never cry at weddings. I didn't even cry at my own!"

Returning a small wave to her husband, who was chatting with Jake and Rick, Haley chuckled. "It's just like Nathan to do something like that. I thought I had everything planned out exactly how I wanted it, but once the kids were with us I knew I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. The look on JJ's face when he got to stand beside us was priceless. I'll never forget how happy or proud he looked."

"I'll never forget how happy you and Nathan are today. Congratulations, sis."

"Thanks, Tay."

"Hey, girls." Brooke joined the two sisters, throwing her arms around their shoulders and settling her ever expanding stomach between them and sighed. "I'm jealous. I wish this was my wedding."

Taylor and Haley giggled, leaving Brooke wondering what she'd said.

When Haley let out a little yawn, both girls immediately started fussing over her. While she appreciated the concern, Haley was sick of being treated like a fragile flower all the time and quickly asked them to stop worrying. "I feel fine, you guys. Yes, I'm a little tired, but I have been up since very early this morning, so it's normal."

"Okay, okay. But this means it's time for you to go. No way do you want to be falling asleep on that sexy husband of yours before you take advantage of the cottage I booked you."

"What?"

The brunette flashed a triumphant smile. "Well it's not a proper wedding day without a wedding night… if you know what I'm saying. Jake and I decided our wedding gift to you guys would be a two night stay at those gorgeous little bed and breakfast cottages out by Lake Ramsay. We booked the honeymooner's cabin… which really just means that it's out in the middle of nowhere so you can scream as loud as you like while doing the horizontal mambo."

Taylor gave her a nod of approval and a high five. "I like your style, Davis. Plus your gift totally works with mine." Turning to her sister she gave an exaggerated wink. "By the way, sis, don't open that big purple box on the gift table in front of anyone. It's kind of a 'personal' gift for yours and Nathan's eyes only."

"Jeez, thanks for the warning. Thank God we didn't open gifts when JJ begged us to earlier." Haley chuckled and then turned to Brooke. "So who has the pleasure of looking after my children for the next two days?"

"We're taking turns. There are two day shifts and two night shifts. Everyone gets a turn."

"Well I'm sure JJ will be thrilled to be spending time with everyone, and you know what Gracie is like, feed her and give her some attention and she'll love you for life. She's such a good baby… if I do say so myself."

"I have to agree." Nathan's voice cut into the conversation and Haley turned to him immediately with a wide smile.

"I missed you, husband." She whispered as he pulled her into his arms and they both ignored the teasing from Brooke and Taylor about how they were such a cheesy married couple.

"Missed you more, wife." He responded, kissing her soundly.

"Guess what?" Her breathless tone was turning him on even more than he was already. He was starting to wish everyone would leave so he could carry her up to their bedroom.

"What? Another surprise?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yes, actually… only it was Brooke's doing, not mine. We're having a mini-honeymoon courtesy of Brooke and Jake. Two days alone at those cottages near the lake."

Nathan glanced up at Brooke before kissing her on the cheek. "Wow. Thank you. This really means a lot to us."

"You're welcome and it was my pleasure. I love being sneaky. Speaking of… Luke and I packed your bags for you already so you're good to go. Don't even bother denying that you just wanna find a room right now. We're married, too, remember? I've never been as horny in all my life as I was on my wedding night."

"Uh, thanks for the over-share, Brooke." Nathan retorted, shaking his head. "What about it, Hales? Ready to go?"

"Hell, yes!" Grabbing his hand, she pulled him towards the other guests so that they could say their goodbyes.

"And don't forget the purple box, sis. Trust me; you'll want to take it along."

"Purple box?" Nathan muttered.

"Later." She promised with a seductive gleam in her eye.

~*~

"Oh My God. I thought she'd never leave!" Nathan groaned as though in physical pain. The cottage owner, Mrs. Abernathy had shown them to their cottage and given them a tour, outlining all the facilities and services available to them. They were still in their wedding outfits, so the lady, while perfectly lovely, went on and on about all the different honeymooners who'd stayed there and then recounted the story of her own wedding… something that was apparently magical, but she didn't like to think of it because it reminded her of her cheating, lying, scumbag ex-husband, Mr. Abernathy. The couple had stood silently together, afraid to say too much in case it got her talking about another story.

"She just seems lonely… but man, can she talk?!"

"Well now that she's gone… what would you like to do, Mrs. Scott?"

Haley inwardly preened at the use of her new name. It had a nice ring to it. Sending her husband a faux-innocent shrug, she let out a sigh with a hint of boredom. "I don't know, Mr. Scott. We could unpack, then make some dinner, maybe check out those ahhh-mazing tree trunks carved to look like woodland animals that Mrs. Abernathy said were a must-see…"

Nathan growled menacingly, before sweeping her up into his arms and marching into the bedroom. He dropped her on the centre of the bed and crawled over her until they were nose to nose. "I have some extra-special wood for you to play with, baby."

They both stilled for a moment before Nathan turned pink with embarrassment and Haley struggled to control her laughter.

"I really said that, didn't I?" he groaned, dropping his head into her shoulder.

"Yep."

"Wow that was lame." He laughed, rolling off her. "Way to start the wedding night, Mr. Smooth."

"Hey! Come back here." She ordered, grabbing his tie and pulling him back to lie above her. She gave him a wink and her most sexy voice. "I'm ready to play with your extra-special wood."

"Minx." He chuckled before capturing her mouth with his. What began softly, with him cradling her face in his hands, soon turned into something much more intense. Every soft sigh of hers fueled him on, stoking the fire within him. When he struggled for breath, Nathan pulled back and with Haley's assistance removed his shirt and tie. Her soft hands roamed over every inch of his bare skin, before moving lower and sliding into the back of his pants.

"Take them off." She panted, slipping off the side of the bed as he stood to remove the rest of his clothing. It took only seconds before he was standing before her completely naked. She was so turned on in that moment, she thought she'd spontaneously combust.

Turning her back to her new husband; partly needing the reprieve from seeing the glorious sight of his naked body, but also to have him assist her with the zip at the back her dress, she took deep breaths to calm her racing heart. God, it was stupid, but it felt like a proper wedding night. She was suddenly a little nervous. Wordlessly, he knew what to do and slid the zipper down slowly; so careful with her dress where he'd been so careless with his own clothing.

He kissed her neck, sweeping the blonde locks to one side. When she shivered at his touch, he smiled, kissing her again as he slid the straps off each shoulder until the dress fell and pooled at her feet. He pulled her back against him, his erection settling against her back and she wriggled against him, knowing it would drive him crazy. He loved it.

She reached around and unclasped her strapless bra, letting it fall to the floor, before Nathan tugged at the waist of her thong, it too falling down her legs. She stepped out of it and turned to face her lover, her soul mate, her husband.

"God, you're even more beautiful now than when you were walking down the aisle today." He whispered, reaching out to cup her cheek.

She shook her head in amazement. "You know, I believe you. Even with my scar and my thinning hair…" she shrugged with a sparkling smile. "I feel beautiful. That's because of you, Nathan. I can't thank you enough for that."

"You are beautiful."

The tear that slid down her cheek told him just how much his words affected her. He lifted her then, depositing her back on the mattress. There was no time for foreplay when they needed each other so much. Needed to celebrate the commitment they'd made that day. She begged him to enter her and when he did it was like coming home.

Later, when they lay in each other's arms, they'd never been so happy. They were husband and wife. They had a beautiful family and life was good.

Haley's mind wandered to the future and even though she felt it in her bones that she was going to be okay, there were still some unpleasant things to come. The Chemotherapy was horrible, and she dreaded going in to the hospital every time. Thankfully the doctors were pleased with her progress and the number of cycles she had to have had been reduced. All going well, she'd be finished in three months. That would mean no more hospital visits, no more nausea, nosebleeds or dizzy spells. It meant getting her life back. Unfortunately, another three months of Chemo was still enough time for it to further affect her body.

"I think I might have to shave my hair off soon. How do you feel about that?"

"You know exactly how I feel about that, Haley James Scott." Her husband whispered, running his hands over her hair then down her back to rest on her ass. Pulling her closer he ground his arousal against her, letting her know that he didn't think the question warranted a conversation and he'd much rather be doing something else. As he'd told her previously, on several occasions… her shaving her head was a non-issue for him. All he cared about was how she felt about it.

She looked up at him with a pout and he knew she just needed a little more reassurance. He'd keep giving it to her until she believed him.

Nathan pulled her hair back from her face and kissed along her jaw. "Hmmm, let me think. How to explain… Okay, think of it like this. There are certain… advantages to having your hair shaved. For example, I wouldn't have to sit around for an extra half hour while you perfect your curls before we leave the house." He smirked at her playful glare, knowing she was enjoying their banter.

"What else, smartass?"

"This one's my favorite and I think you'll like it too. I get more of your…" Kiss. "Delicious…" Kiss. "Skin..." Kiss. "To taste? I'm definitely looking forward to that." Nathan nipped her neck gently before suckling on her earlobe. "Mmmm. Yummy."

Haley was enjoying herself immensely. They'd lived with a dark cloud over their lives for such a long time that it had often felt like they'd forgotten how to let go and have fun. That had been changing lately and even when it came to the bad stuff, the scary stuff, they dealt with it together and with an optimism and positivity that made life so much easier than before. She was loving life again and it felt great. For a while she'd been terrified of having to shave her head, worried not only about the embarrassment, but of how Nathan would feel about it. Well as of this moment, she was no longer worrying. With the way Nathan spoke about it all, she thought she might even be looking forward to some of it.

After her giggles subsided, she pulled back and turned his face toward her, pouting as she put on her whiniest voice. "What if I have a weird shaped head?"

"Oh, baby. You do not have a weird shaped head." He chuckled, causing her to chuckle along with him. "You have a gorgeous head and you'll look beautiful, just like you always do."

He kissed her forehead, and held her close. "I know it's not the same, but I'll be shaving my head with you…" He laughed before adding "And I do have a weird head. You know JJ mentioned something about shaving his too. He thinks it'll be cool for us all to look the same. Although, I suppose that would mean Gracie…"

"Go anywhere near our daughter's hair, and you'll pay, Nathan Scott!" Haley smiled as his chest rumbled beneath her cheek.

"I love you when you go into 'overprotective mama bear' mode."

Haley rolled her eyes playfully. "You love me no matter what."

Nathan stilled, pulling back to look into her eyes.

"Yeah, I do."

"I love you, too."


	31. Epilogue

**Title:** Holding On To Hope

**Summary:** Nathan and Haley, along with her young son have become a family. But they're soon faced with a heart-wrenching decision that could put one of their lives at risk. Will they survive through this desperate time or will they be torn apart?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters.

**Author's Note:** _I cannot believe that this story has come to an end! It's been two and half years and a lot of time and effort, but it was all worth it. Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with the story and supported me. The feedback I've received has been immensely helpful and I'm very grateful for every comment. I need to send an extra special thank you to the girls who have been my biggest support, because without them I couldn't have made it this far. So thank you Dawnie, Kris, Diane, Molly and Ashley. You're all angels!_

_Also, although I'm no longer writing a lot of fanfiction, I am still writing in general, so any feedback you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear from you!_

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"Dada! Dada!"

Gracie waddled away from her mother across the front lawn towards her father who was making his way up the driveway. Her giggle immediately brought a smile to her parents' faces.

"Hi, Princess. Have you been a good girl for your mama?"

He still couldn't believe that his baby was walking and talking. The two years since she'd been born had flown by and he'd enjoyed every moment.

"Hi, honey. How was work?"

"Great. How did your appointment go?"

Even though he was smiling, Haley could see the anxiety in his eyes. She'd been to the hospital for one of her six month check-ups in the oncology department. He usually insisted on going with her, but he had a basketball camp running and three of his staff were out with the flu so he was needed at work.

"Brilliant. The doctor said I'm fine and I have nothing to worry about. The tests were all clear."

Nathan pulled his wife close, needing to feel her in his arms, and placed a whisper soft kiss on her lips. "Well I know you're fine," he quipped, slapping her denim clad ass, "but I'm glad to hear you've got a clean bill of health."

"Me kiss! Me kiss!" Glowering was a skill that little Gracie had perfected and the look she gave her parents at that moment gave them no doubt as to how she felt about being left out. She was the baby in the family, coddled and fawned over; the centre of attention. And that's how she liked it!

"Aw, sweetie." Haley chuckled at her daughter's expression before she and Nathan planted noisy kisses on her cheeks.

"Okay, Gracie. You've seen Dada and now it's time for your bath."

"No!" The little girl threw her arms around her father's neck, and burrowed her head in tight as though she could hide herself away.

The couple's eyes met in shared exasperation. Getting their daughter into the bath was a nightly battle, one that was all the more frustrating because after all the tears and tantrums, she would play happily with her water toys and then refuse to get out of the tub no matter how much her chubby little hands puckered into wrinkly prunes.

JJ seemed to be the only one able to coax her in and out peacefully and the sneaky little bugger wouldn't spill his secret. Nathan had suggested bribing him for the answer, but Haley had given him one of her disapproving looks that he hated so much and he knew that was the end of the discussion. Haley's idea had been to approach her father, thinking he could get the truth out of his Grandson, but the two of them were thick as thieves and Jimmy had flat out refused to get involved. In the end, she'd caved and their current solution was to up their son's pocket money for every night he successfully got his sister out of the tub without any tears. Not the ideal solution, but when you have kids and jobs you learn to work with what you can.

"Oooh!" Nathan crooned. "I know! How would you like to have a bath with Mama tonight? And you can have extra bubbles!"

Gracie pulled away from Nathan's chest, looking like a turtle coming out of its shell; cautious of possible enemies. "Lots bubbles?"

Seeing the hesitation in Haley's eyes, Nathan stroked her cheek. "You go ahead. Soak in the tub with this one for a while and I'll fix dinner. Tonight, we celebrate. JJ should be home by the time you're done." he added with a wink.

"Bubbles now, Mama!" Gracie squirmed in her daddy's arms, placing her pudgy fingers on Haley's cheeks and giving her an 'Eskimo kiss'.

"So now you want your bath, huh? Fickle little munchkin."

"Bye bye, Dada!" Gracie called over her shoulder to Nathan as she scrambled into her mother's arms.

Nathan laughed as he watched his two girls head into the house. Gracie chattered at a million miles an hour in her own combination of baby babble and half sentences while Haley nodded her head and responded at all the right moments, usually indicated by a brief pause in the chatter where Gracie expected a reaction. Haley stopped at the door and they both turned to wave at him before disappearing inside.

Damn he was a lucky man. He never forgot just how blessed he was to have this wonderful life with a beautiful family and great friends. He had more in his life than he ever dreamed for himself. And now he also had a career he loved. After losing his dream of ever playing pro basketball, he never thought he'd find another job he could love more… until he started his basketball camps and mentoring program. It had been so successful that there were now several other programs running through the state.

"Dad!"

Startled out of his thoughts, Nathan smiled at his son as he ran up the driveway and waved goodbye to his father-in-law as he drove away from the curb, beeping his horn.

"Hey, buddy. How was training today?"

"It was awesome. I think we're going to make it all the way to the final this season."

"That's great, son. Why don't you tell us about it at dinner?"

"Cool. What's mom making?"

"I'm in charge of dinner tonight. What do you feel like?"

Without a moment's pause, he responded. "Pizza."

Nathan chuckled, knowing he really should prepare something healthy, but it was nice to treat themselves once in a while. Pizza wasn't exactly the special celebratory meal he'd had in mind for Haley's good news… but he had a feeling they'd be doing a little celebrating of their own, after the kids were asleep.

"You're on. Pizza it is. Why don't you go inside and grab the menu. It should arrive by the time Gracie and your mom are done in the tub."

The gleam in his son's eye meant trouble and Nathan knew exactly what he was thinking without him having to utter a word.

"I'm not upping your pocket money again… but I might consider letting you invite the whole team to your birthday sleepover next month if you tell me the bathtub secret."

JJ considered it for a moment, but then shook his head. "No way. Grandpa Jimmy says knowledge is power. The more you want it, the more it's worth… and this secret is so worth more than a sleepover."

Nathan laughed and ruffled his son's hair. "I think I need to have words with Grandpa Jimmy."

~*~

"Nathan, get up!"

He grunted in response, but refused to open his eyes, instead turning his head the other way. Haley was still amazed at how alike her husband and son looked in sleep even though they shared no blood. Tugging at the sheets, she was momentarily distracted by the sight of his low riding silk boxers, before crawling back on the bed to tickle his belly.

"Nathan! There's so much to do. Get up."

With his eyes still closed and his body heavy from a well rested sleep, Nathan caught his wife off guard as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her down on top of him.

"It's five in the morning, Hales. We do not need over three hours to get Gracie ready for her first day of school."

Not even bothering to struggle against his hold, Haley rested her cheek against his chest. "But we do! Today is her first ever day of big-girl school and there's lots to do. We have to get her dressed…"

"Gracie has tried on her school uniform twenty times this week, so I'm sure it won't take long. Besides, I'm pretty sure she slept in one of her school dresses last night. She's probably half way ready as we speak."

Pulling away to scowl at his smirking face, Haley pointed a firm finger at him. "Nathan Scott, our daughter is not going to school in a crinkled uniform! So yes, we have to get her dressed. And she's going to need a good breakfast. We don't want her falling asleep in class on her first day."

"Karen is bringing over breakfast from the café for everyone. All we have to do is brew some coffee and set the table."

Sitting back until she was straddling his stomach, Haley folded her arms and pouted. "Well… we still have to pack her lunch and take photos."

"We have to wait until everyone is here so that your dad can take the photos, and I'm pretty sure Brooke will take charge of that. You know every event in Jenny's and Maddy's lives get put in those scrapbooks of hers." He rolled his eyes, and chuckled. It was something that he took pleasure in teasing their friend about.

Half groaning, half chuckling, Haley shook her head. "Please do not get started on that with Brooke again this morning. You know how sensitive she gets about it. I think it's cute that she makes them."

"Try telling Jenny that."

They both laughed, thinking how much Jenny hated those scrapbooks, especially when Brooke would show them to visitors. She and JJ had gone so far as to steal them and hide them away, but Brooke had scared the kids into giving them back and now had them locked away, only to be brought out on special occasions.

"Just don't ever tell JJ that I have a hidden book with embarrassing photos of him to show his future girlfriends."

"You are one evil woman, Haley James Scott. So… can we agree that there's no need to get up this early?" Nathan reached up and stroked her cheek, smiling as she turned and placed a kiss on his palm.

"Yeah, sorry. I guess I'm a little anxious about today."

"A little?"

"Okay, a lot. But our baby's going off to school today, Nathan. It seems like only yesterday that she was still waddling around with that big baby diaper butt of hers, needing us for everything… and now she's going off to school where she won't need us at all."

Nathan sent her a knowing smile. He'd been waiting for her 'freak-out'. She'd been so calm and rational about their baby girl going to school and he knew it would only be a matter of time before this time came.

"She's always going to need us, Hales. Especially her mommy. She adores you and even though our girl is very independent and it feels like she's growing up way too fast, she loves us and all she's going to want to do is come home and tell us about her exciting day at school with the big kids."

"You always know the right things to say." Leaning down, she placed her lips against his softly. "I'm sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep. I'll wake you in an hour."

When she went to pull away, he clamped her securely in his arms. "Nuh-uh. You woke me, you have to keep me occupied for the next hour." He whispered huskily against her lips.

"I think I can do that." She replied, running her hands down his torso until they slipped beneath his boxers.

"Mommy! Daddy! It's time for school."

"She is so your daughter." Nathan sighed, breaking the kiss.

Haley's chuckle rumbled against his lips as she sat up and whispered a promise of 'later' before sliding across to her side of the bed, thankful that they hadn't got as far as removing any clothing.

When they'd both sat up and taken a good look at their daughter who was hopping from foot to foot with a big grin, they had to suppress their laughter. Gracie was wearing the school dress she'd obviously slept in, but the buttons were all done up incorrectly, bunching the front of the dress in odd places. She'd combed her hair and tried to put it in a side ponytail, which was her favorite, but it was something that she needed her mother to help her with. The little girl's attempt looked more like she'd just been rolling around on the ground, wrestling with JJ's puppy, Jordan. But most adorable of all were the pink and black basketball shoes she liked to wear everywhere. Her parents had told her repeatedly that she couldn't wear them to school, but she obviously had other ideas.

"Honey, it's not time for school yet. We have to wait for Aunt Karen and Grandpa Jimmy to bring breakfast. And remember, Madison is coming over with Aunt Brooke, Uncle Jake and Jenny."

"But I'm ready now!" she whined, pushing out her lower lip as far as it could possibly go.

"Why don't you go wake up your brother and ask him to put on some cartoons for you?" Nathan suggested, knowing his daughter would jump at the idea.

"Yeah!" she squealed before running out of the room, her little footsteps audible all the way down the hallway. She raced into her brother's room, taking a flying leap onto his bed and jumping up and down to get his undivided attention.

"Go away!" The fourteen year old's voice, having broken months earlier, was loud and deep even from under the covers he'd quickly dragged up over his head, but there was no anger to accompany his words. He adored his baby sister and had the patience of a saint when it came to her often demanding presence.

"JJ! Wake up!"

"Why?" he asked, glad she couldn't see his grin. She would hate the thought that he'd forgotten her special day. He chuckled at her gasp, imagining, correctly, her hands planted firmly on her hips.

"It's school today!"

"So? I've been to school a million times." He replied, the quilt shaking with his silent laughter.

"But it's my first day at big-kid school." She sounded so outraged, that he threw the covers off, unable to resist seeing her expression. She was so damn cute when she got mad.

"Well… you're not very big…" he said slowly, assessing her from head to toe. "Maybe you should wait until next year."

"I'm telling." She yelled, jumping off the bed, ready to race into their parents' room.

JJ was too quick for her though, wrapping his arms around her middle and spinning her around until the pout on her faced transformed into a wide smile as she giggled loudly.

"Put me down, stinky-face." She yelled between giggles.

"Who's gonna make me, short-stack?" he replied, carrying her out of the room and almost barreling into his mother who had come to check up on them.

"What are you two up to?" Haley asked, shaking her head.

"Look at me, mommy!" Gracie's muffled voice called out from her current position, hanging upside down from her big brother's arm. Her dress had fallen over the top of her head, showing off her bright pink Hello Kitty underwear.

"I see you." Haley replied, feeling her heart burst at the sight of her two children playing. She loved how close they were despite the age difference. She gave her son a sweet smile, before kissing his cheek. "'Morning, sweetie."

"Hey, buddy. Sleep well?" Nathan greeted his son with a smile, before wrapping his arm around Haley.

"Fine, until I was attacked by a munchkin." He complained, sending his father a pointed look. He knew who would have sent Gracie into his bedroom.

"Hey! I'm not a munchkin."

"Speaking of munchkins. Where's your sister?"

"I'm right here, Daddy."

Nathan winked at his wife and put a finger to his lips. "I swear I can hear her… but I can't see her anywhere. Have you seen Gracie?"

"I'm here! I'm here!"

Kneeling down, Nathan lifted his daughter's dress and gasped loudly. "There you are! I thought we'd lost you."

Taking her out of JJ's arms, Nathan hoisted Gracie onto his hip. "Let's go watch some cartoons before we have to get you ready for school."

"It's big-kids school, Daddy. I'm growed up now and I'm gonna learn about everything."

"She already thinks she knows everything." JJ grumbled before laughing with his mother. It was common knowledge that Grace-Lee Scott was a little know-it-all. Fortunately she was cute enough to get away with it.

Haley hugged him closely. "I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop growing, honey."

JJ laughed off her comment, used to her regular complaints about him being as tall as her these days. "Sorry, Mom. It must be all those vegetables you made me eat as a kid. Hey, maybe if you stop making me eat them I'll stop growing."

Playfully ruffling his hair, she pushed him forward to follow the other two downstairs. "Nice try, kid… but not a chance."

~*~

"God, I needed this." Haley sighed as she snuggled against her husband's naked chest.

"I thought a weekend away would be a good way to spend our anniversary and Brooke recommended this resort. You certainly deserve some pampering after all the hard work you've put in lately, Vice Principal Scott."

Her joyful giggle made his heart skip a beat. He loved nothing more than seeing his family happy and Haley had worked hard for her promotion to Vice Principal. Ever since she'd returned to work five years ago when Gracie began school, she'd done everything she could to balance home life and work and it had all paid off.

"It's got a nice ring to it, doesn't it? But I couldn't have done it without you. Especially these last few months with all the extra hours I've had to put in, you really stepped up for me, Nathan."

Nathan ran his hand up and down her back, taking time to enjoy the feel of her soft skin beneath his fingertips. He loved holding her this way. Always needing to touch her. To feel her. Even after ten years of marriage, the love and passion he felt for Haley had never dimmed. It had only ever grown stronger.

"You've done the same for me, babe. There's no way I'd have been able to build up the scholarship scheme without having you there, backing me up the way you did. I could have gone back to teaching and coaching when the funding for the basketball camps fell through, but you were there supporting me and encouraging me to find another way… and now I have an organization that helps underprivileged kids to excel in all sorts of things, not just sports. These kids have scholarship opportunities and can see that college is a real possibility for the first time in their lives. That was both of us, Hales. We're a team."

"A damn good team."

"The best. Speaking of teams… how do you think JJ and Jenny are going with the girls?"

Haley chuckled. "They'll be fine. If I know those kids, Madison will have convinced Gracie to do a fashion show and poor JJ and Jenny will be forced to sit through it all. She may be the youngest, but Maddie is Brooke's daughter. She knows how to get what she wants." Pausing for a moment, she looked up at her husband, biting her lip. "To be honest. I'm more worried about JJ and Jenny. Things have been tense between them since she started college this year. They used to do everything together, but now she's living in the dorms and she's making new friends and he's busy studying for his SATs. He's having a hard time adjusting."

Nathan had noticed the change in their son also. He missed his best friend and as much as he tried to hide it, he was hurt each time Jenny was busy doing something for school or hanging out with her new friends. They had been unsure how to tackle the problem, but after some discussion had decided to wait it out and see if JJ came to them. He knew it killed Haley not being able to fix this for their child, the same way it did him, but this was something the two kids had to work out. Hell, they were nineteen and eighteen years old now. Technically they weren't even kids anymore.

"Hey, suggesting that the two of them look after their sisters together this weekend wouldn't be some scheme you and Brooke cooked up to get them hanging out again, would it?"

"What? No! Of course not!" she denied, looking away from him. When he tipped her face up so that she couldn't hide, she huffed out quick sigh of defeat. "Okay, fine. Yes. But it's not meddling. Not really. It doesn't mean they're going to work everything out… but it is a chance for them to spend some time together like they used to. JJ's not the only one who has been unhappy. Brooke says Jenny misses him too."

"Well I hope it doesn't blow up in your faces. Those two can be so damned stubborn. They get it from their mothers."

"Humph" Nathan pouted as he rubbed where Haley had just hit him. "Ooh, feisty. It's such a turn on."

Haley rolled her eyes playfully. "I don't see how it can be a turn on, when that seems to be your default setting."

"Well I have a fucking hot wife… I can't help it if I'm always turned on."

Haley's cheeks bloomed rose red, but she fought to hide just how much his words affected her. Haley James Scott was in no way immune to some dirty talking.

"Language! This is supposed to be a romantic getaway… not some sleazy porno."

Nathan made a grab for her wrists, and rolled over until he rested between her thighs, pressing himself against her to show just how true his words were.

"You know you love it." He whispered, his warm breath mingling with hers. He was so close that their noses almost touched and he could see her looking at his lips, her eyes practically begging him to kiss her but he held back, teasing her. Building up the anticipation. It was always that much sweeter if you had to wait for it.

"Actually, I'm feeling kind of tired. Maybe I'll just go to sleep." She gave a disinterested yawn and turned her face away from his.

Nathan smirked. Moving closer, he heard her sigh of relief that he was about to give her what she wanted, no matter how much she fought to hide it, but instead he denied her, laughing at the little growl she gave him.

"Nathan. You're being an ass." She whined, pouting her soft, shiny lips at him. He loved her lips. "You'd better watch out or I might just start to feel a headache coming on."

"Okay, I'll stop teasing." He kissed her pouting lips and gave her his killer boyish grin. "I know how I can make it up to you."

She chuckled. "Oh yeah. How are you going to do that?"

"I brought the video camera." She followed his eyes as they darted over to the dressing table where he'd set up their handycam earlier when she was in the tub. His smirk grew wider as he heard her quick intake of breath. He could practically feel the excitement thrumming through her. "So what do you say, Hales? Still in the mood for romance… or maybe something a little more sleazy?"

"Romance is overrated." She laughed before rolling them over and taking his mouth in a sizzling kiss.

~*~

"I hate you! You're ruining my life!"

Nathan winced more at the ugly words than at the loud slamming of Gracie's bedroom door. He knew it was average teenage behavior, but his daughter had never acted this way with them. He'd almost talked himself into believing that she was miraculously skipping the hormone induced tantrums of an adolescent girl, but after today's row it was obvious that had been wishful thinking.

No matter how normal it was, or how many people would say that he shouldn't take it personally, Nathan knew he'd never get used to his baby girl shouting that she hated him. It felt like only moments ago when she'd tell anyone who'd listen how much she loved her daddy. She'd been a Daddy's girl from the very beginning. This sudden change in their relationship was so jarring. He didn't know how to handle it.

"You okay?" Haley's hand moved in slow circles on his back, soothing his tense muscles. It felt almost as good as the way she looked at him with perfect mixture of love, understanding and concern.

He sighed. His rigid shoulders drooping slightly as he turned and pulled her into his arms. It always felt so good to hold her.

"Yeah. I don't know…"

Taking hold of his hand, she led him to their room, closing the door behind her. "What was that all about?"

"I came home to find her practically being mauled by that little punk, Tristan, so I threw him out. She's been screaming at me ever since." Slumping on the end of their bed, he pulled her down to sit beside him.

"Are you sure you didn't overreact? Tristan's a good boy. We've known him for years now."

The way his wife's left eyebrow rose let him know she doubted his explanation. In the fifteen years they'd been married, he'd learned all her expressions well.

"Don't look at me like that. If I'd been a couple of minutes later who knows what would have been happening. He was all over her and I know Gracie wouldn't have started it. He must have pushed her into it, but she's too embarrassed to admit it."

Taking a deep breath, Haley took his hand. "Baby, I know you don't want to hear this, but Grace is growing up. She has been for a while now and even though you prefer to pretend she's still your little girl, she's a teenager now. She and Tristan have been making goo-goo eyes at each other for months." Before he could deny it, she held a finger to his mouth.

"Yes. They have. And I know you don't think Tristan is a 'little punk'. He's one of your favorite kids from the program and has spent almost as much time here in our house as our own kids. He's respectful, kind hearted and so damn loyal to you, Nathan. He'd never take advantage of Gracie. So why don't you tell me exactly what you walked in on? We'll figure out how to handle the situation."

They'd always tackled parenting issues together, backing each other up and never letting the kids play them against one another, but Haley had a feeling that she might need to get her husband to acknowledge he may be being a little too overprotective of their daughter. If Gracie needed to be spoken to or, some rules had to be put in place they'd have to show a united front, but Nathan needed to calm down and think rationally before speaking with her again.

With slight huff, Nathan nodded. "I came home and obviously they didn't hear me. When I got to the lounge room I found them on the couch… making out."

The way his nose scrunched up almost made her laugh, but she knew he wasn't finding anything about this funny, so she held it in. "Were they just kissing? Were they sitting, or lying down?"

Narrowing his eyes at the memory, Nathan sighed, realizing that the horror he'd felt earlier probably wasn't warranted. "Well they were sitting… but real close and he had his arm around her shoulders and they were kissing."

"But that was all? No wandering hands? No clothing removed? Just kissing."

"Yes." The reply was so faint she almost didn't hear it, but judging by the way he was avoiding looking at her; it was obvious he felt guilty about his overreaction.

"Shit! I really fucked that up, Hales… but I freaked out! She's too young to be kissing boys. She's… she's still my little girl."

Straddling his lap, Haley wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She waited for him too look at her and then gave a sad smile. "She'll always be your little girl… but she is growing up and you need to let her. We've been lucky at her lack of interest in boys so far, but it was bound to happen. If anything more serious had been going on, I'd be worried, but from what you've told me she was just kissing a boy she has a crush on."

Closing his eyes, Nathan rested his forehead against hers. "You've known about this crush for a while, haven't you?"

Haley nodded. "And that's why I had a chat with her last week about boys and sex and…"

"What?! She's having sex with him?!"

"No! God, Nathan. You need chill out before you give yourself a stroke." She joked. "It's the opposite. Gracie came to me because she was nervous that she hadn't had her first kiss yet. In fact I think the reason she's so upset with you is that you interrupted her first kiss."

"Really?" His voice was a little too pleased for her liking, so she elbowed him.

"You need to apologize to her, Nathan. I would offer to go speak with her, but nothing I say is going to make this better. She loves you and idolizes you… no matter what she said in a moment of anger. And as mad and embarrassed as she may be by the whole incident. I'd say she's more upset by the possibility that you're mad at her or ashamed of her for catching her out earlier."

"It was never this hard with JJ. Why am I flipping out like this with Grace?"

"Simple. You were too busy dealing with _my_ freak-outs! As soon as he hit puberty, I was constantly on the lookout, watching for signs that he was doing anything more than just looking at girls. Don't you remember calming me down and promising me that our son wouldn't become a teenage father?"

Nathan chuckled. She'd been so adorable back then. Her overactive imagination had her scared that their son was growing up to fast and was going to end up getting a girl pregnant. It was totally unfounded, of course, because she'd raised him to know right from wrong since he was a baby. JJ had actually pleasantly surprised her by not showing much interest in girls at an adolescent past some light dating. As they now knew, he'd probably always been harboring his crush for Jenny Jaglielski and that was why no girls ever held his interest for long. He'd been building the courage to go after her.

"For me, it was the fear of the unknown. Not knowing how to handle my child growing up when I'd never been through it all before. I had no idea what it was like for a teenage boy. For you, it was different. You'd been in JJ's place before and knew what he was going through. With Gracie, you have that inbuilt need to protect your little girl from all the big bad boys out there. I think all fathers are the same with their daughters."

"That makes sense. But it doesn't change the situation." He closed his eyes, shaking his head in defeat. "She was so hurt and angry, Hales."

He looked so shamefaced, that she pulled him in for a hug. "She'll understand if you just explain it to her. I know how scared you are of her growing up, but she doesn't get that. Just tell her how you feel and that you know you overreacted. And remember… she never could stay mad at you for long. She'll be back to being Daddy's Little Girl by the time you walk back out of her bedroom."

"Thanks, baby." He whispered against her lips, before pressing against them softly. "Love you."

"Love you, too." She promised as she watched him walk out of the room, breathing deeply as though preparing himself for battle… which it was likely to be at first. But Haley knew her husband and knew her daughter. They'd work it out.

And when she heard laughter from Gracie's room only fifteen minutes later followed by Gracie's shout of "Mom! We're going for ice-cream. Hurry up!" Haley smiled in contentment. Life was good.

~*~

Nathan smiled as JJ fidgeted with his tie.

"You nervous?"

Glancing at his father in the mirror, he gave a short nod and took a deep breath. "Terrified."

"Last minute nerves terrified… or I have to go out and cancel the wedding, terrified?" he asked, moving behind his son and placing his hands on his shoulders. Looking at JJ in the mirror, Nathan couldn't believe that his son was now twenty eight years old and about to take the biggest step in his life so far.

JJ frowned at his father. "What? Of course I'm not cancelling the wedding. I love Tara. I want to spend the rest of my life with her!"

"Then stop looking so damn nervous."

Nathan's teasing removed the pinched look from JJ's face and replaced it with a smile.

"Besides… I think mom would kill me if I called it off. She's so happy to welcome Tara into the family that I think she'd swap me for her if she had to make a choice."

"And then there's the matter of your sister. I think I recall her exact words after you bought Tara home for the first time. They went something like 'Screw this up and I'll castrate you!'"

"I wouldn't want to test her on it, either." JJ admitted. His sister was one tough cookie. She loved her big brother, but she was so protective of him and his happiness that she seemed to have assigned herself the role of deciding who was or wasn't worthy of him. Between Gracie and Jenny, he'd had a hard time finding a girl that met expectations. Tara was the first and only woman to pass the test. While his mother had been less vocal about her opinions, and always perfectly lovely to his admittedly few girlfriends, he knew that she'd been taken with Tara the first time they met. The two had been close ever since. It was kind of scary how well his bride-to-be got along with the other women in his life. It was sure to cause trouble for him down the track. But no matter how much they all joked about it, JJ knew his mother had his back no matter what. Both his parents did and had proven it to him over and over again.

"All right, it's time to go. You ready?"

"Yes." He replied, smiling widely and holding his chin up with a confidence he'd lacked only minutes earlier. "Let's go."

He waited patiently at the altar, anxious to see his bride. His mother was crying already, smiling up at his father who was dabbing her moist cheeks with his handkerchief. They were still so much in love and he knew he and Tara would be blessed if they had even half the love that his parents shared. Although he wouldn't have to worry about that because he couldn't imagine loving anyone more than he did his fiancée.

"Are you doing okay?"

Jenny's voice had him turning around to face her. It was terribly unconventional, but he'd asked his best friend to be his 'best man' and stand up with him for this important day. For a girl who had barely cried a day in her life, the tears had come thick and fast when he'd asked her. She'd even offered to wear a tux so that she wouldn't stand out so much, but he'd refused. She wore the same color dress as the bridesmaids, but stood on his side of the aisle instead of the bride's. He could have chosen one of his other two groomsmen to be do the honor, but he honestly couldn't imagine doing this without her there right by his side, where she'd been since they were kids.

"I'm good. How about you? You don't need to sit or anything?" he asked, frowning first at her eight month pregnant belly and then at the high heeled shoes she'd insisted on wearing so that she matched the other girls.

"I'm fine. The girls came three weeks late and I don't expect this one will be any different." She said, rubbing her belly softly. "Plus I already get to guilt-trip him about the cramps, swelling and weight gain. He really won't want to add upstaging my best friend at his wedding to the list of things I can bring up for the rest of his life."

"Still adamant it's a boy?" JJ smirked.

"Matt is determined to have at least one boy and I really don't think I can carry another one of these so I damn well hope so." She replied firmly, but he knew she loved her kids and loved being pregnant. She would probably try for another one… or maybe two, to the horror of their grandmother, of course. Brooke was still having trouble adjusting to being one. She doted on her grandchildren, but refused to be called Grandma. Instead, they all called her Brookie.

The music began to play and he quickly turned to face the back of the church, smiling as he watched his sister walk up down the aisle, looking beautiful and shockingly grown up in her bridesmaid dress. She'd been a cutie growing up, but now, as a young woman of nineteen, she was stunning with her curly raven hair and fair skin, big eyes and wide mouth. He, his father and Uncle Luke had their work cut out for them fending off the boys that were drawn to her so naturally. It was more than a little difficult with her living in a dorm on campus.

Gracie was followed by two of Tara's friends and then it was time for the bride to emerge. She was so beautiful he felt his heart stop. Her eyes found his immediately and she didn't look away once as her father escorted her down the aisle. As he watched his fiancée walk towards him, everyone else fell away. He took her hand and smiled, knowing that nothing could feel more right than this.

Nathan leaned over his wife's shoulder and smiled at Jake's granddaughter Libby who was fast asleep in his arms. "Mind if I steal my wife away?"

Haley turned and smiled, taking his hand as he pulled her up from her seat. "I feel like I haven't seen you all night." She whispered when he drew her into his arms.

"I know. But now that we've done our duty and mingled with the guests, I can have you all to myself."

It was nearing the end of the night. The reception was being held at a fancy hotel in Charlotte in a large, elegant ballroom. The bride and groom had left quite some time ago, obviously eager to retire to the penthouse suite that Lucas had booked for them as a wedding gift. Many of the guests had either driven home if they weren't drinking, or had retired to the rooms they were staying in. Glancing around, Haley realized that it was really only her family and friends left standing.

Luke sat at a table with his wife, Sherri who was laughing at something he'd said. As always, she was so glad to see her friend so very happy. His first wife, Gemma, had been a gold-digging shrew who had denied Lucas the children he so desperately wanted and then left him when he'd been injured and forced to retire. They had worried that Luke would never have the family he dreamed of, but then Sherri had come along. She'd won him over with her warm smiles, kind heart and complete lack of basketball knowledge, not even blinking when he'd been introduced as a previous NBA great. She hadn't cared about Lucas Scott the, basketball player. She loved Lucas Scott, the man. Now he had a wife who adored him and two kids who thought he hung the moon.

Haley's smile grew even wider as she watched her father slow dancing with Karen. "Do you think they might be next?"

Nathan shook his head and chuckled. "I doubt it, baby. I honestly think they get too much of a kick out 'living in sin' to ever make it official. They're happy. I don't think they'll change anything any time soon."

"So I guess that means Gracie's most likely to be next." She replied, keeping a straight face.

"Over my dead body!" he growled, scowling at the group of young men who were chatting with Gracie and Madison.

"She is going to meet a man one day, Nathan. You do realize that, right?"

"Yes." He replied grudgingly.

"And you're going to be happy for her because she's going to experience what JJ is right now with Tara…" she watched his face soften a little before adding, "and what we've had together for the past twenty years. She deserves that."

"Yeah, you're right. I want that for her, too." He whispered, resting his forehead against hers. "I want her to know how it feels to love someone so much that your heart aches when they leave a room and beats like a drum when they enter it again. I want her to know the feeling of pure joy I have when I wake up each morning with you by my side. To know how lucky I feel when I drive home each day knowing I'm going home to you."

"I love you." She kissed him deeply, not caring who saw. They were always affectionate, so no one would bat an eyelid at their steamy kiss. She pulled away and gave her husband a smile so filled with love and joy and thankfulness for everything he brought into her life that he wondered what miracle he'd performed in his life to deserve such happiness. He had more in his life that he ever could have dreamed up for himself, more than he ever could have thought possible.

"You are my world, Haley James Scott." He swore, kissing her again more fiercely. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

"I have a fairly good idea… but how about you show me." Glancing around the room, she gave him a sultry smile. "Want to get out of here?"

"Why, I thought you'd never ask." Nathan drawled, fluttering his lashes to go with the Southern Belle accent. Haley giggled childishly. She looked so happy in that moment it took his breath away. If he could keep her this way, he'd die a happy man. Until then, he was determined to spend every moment showing this woman just how much he loved her. And he did, for many years to come.


End file.
